a revision to another story that i had to do for class and I can't think of a good title, so suggest

[spazalastic_me]

The small plastic water tower outside the building and the plastic wood siding that gave it it’s “quaint” look of a tourist’s museum/activity/souvenir shop all rolled into one. I was not excited to go in. I was better than that, and seventeen

Comments

[buella_pearl]

I really liked this. I feel it does a good job of conveying how stressful and hurtful it was, but it also throughout has that filter of "this is how it was, and it was hard, but this isn't how it is now." which you actually make explicit at the end.

How do you feel about "Not-Really-A-Family Feud" as your title? It is a theme that keeps coming up.

"I won their marriage that day. I was fourteen." is a part that just really stood out to me. Well-phrased.

It could use a closer read for grammary-type things. Like few vs. less.

[spazalastic_me]

haha.. i know that "less" was there but few didn't go with the others and i liked less better.

any others though? besides fragments... i'm pretty quick to skim these things.

and the end... i feel really at odds with it. any suggestions?

[buella_pearl]

I always sort of feel like in this sort of story that fragments aren't so disturbing...but maybe you're not famous enough to write incorrectly.

The end is a little tidy and forced. Like I said, the feeling that you guys get along better now is already present in the story. You could maybe even just chop off that last bit, then work with the end of the ring story to make it seem more like a conclusion. I hope that's maybe somewhat helpful.