National Enquirer Moment
A/N: Hey guys! This one is for the latest challenge at it's_always_been over at lj. Prompts I used were 16 and 26. Hope you guys like this one. Pure crack, that's all it is.
Warning: This is a crack fic joking the fact that Tony may have slept with a transgender. If this is something that you would find offensive, then please don't read it. You are hearby warned.
National Enquirer Moment
Pepper sighed as she cleaned out Tony's mailbox. Junk, junk and more junk kept reappearing before her: Time Magazine wanting to do a special edition dedicated to Iron Man, Fox News wanting to interview Tony for Iron Man's most recent rescue, and Vanity Fair's Christine Everhart wanting to do another interview just because she feels entitled to it. Pepper slammed her laptop shut, grabbed her blackberry off the couch and walked down the stairs to the basement. She punched in her code and walked over to Tony, who was using a screwdriver to adjust one of the gauntlets.
"Hey sexy lady," she heard him call to her. Pepper snorted, stopped in front of him and crossed her arms over her chest.
"Miss Everhart would like to do another interview with you," she said as sweetly as she could.
"Oh my god," Tony huffed in disgust. He placed both the gauntlet and screwdriver on the table and walked around her. "Seriously, that woman is driving me insane."
"You're not the only one," she mumbled under her breath, following him over to the kitchenette.
"With her, 'no' means 'yes' and 'yes' means 'no'." Pepper watched him pour some coffee into a cup and took a sip before turning back to her. "It's like the more I turn her down, the more she wants it. She's like a guy!" Pepper giggled at the remark, but then the realization hit her. Immediately her smile was gone and her eyes widened. As Tony took another sip of his coffee, he noticed her reaction. "What? It wasn't funny? I thought it was," he said arrogantly.
"No, Tony," Pepper began while shaking her head. "Do you realize what you just said?"
"Yeah, I said she's like a…"
At that moment it hit him. The coffee cup fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces while the contents splattered all over the floor. Pepper jumped hearing the loud crash on the floor and quickly walked over to him.
Tony stared off into space as his breathing accelerated. His whole body began to shake and he began wringing his hands together. "Oh god, Pepper," he said breathlessly. Pepper placed a hand on his face trying to calm him down.
"Tony, it's okay. Calm down before you hyperventilate." At that moment, she heard his stomach churning. If she had never seen him go green in the face before, she certainly saw it then.
"I think, I'm gonna be sick," he grunted and sprinted for the bathroom. Pepper followed close behind him, and stood over him as he shoved his face into the toilet. She rubbed his back soothingly as his body convulsed and everything in his stomach emptied into the bowl. Finally, the convulsing stopped and the disgusting sloshing sounds stopped.
"Are you okay now?" she asked him. Tony held up his hand.
"Gimme a minute. I'm having a National Enquirer moment."
After a few moments she was able to coax him up, cleaned his face up, and got him lying down on his couch with a cold rag on his forehead.
"I don't know which is worse, you having a hangover or you whining over a silly possibility," she said bitterly, sitting beside him and soaking another rag in a bowl of cold water.
"I did it with a guy, Pepper," he whined.
"Well, it would serve you right for not keeping it in your pants." She watched his reaction as she switched rags. You could see the shame as he closed his eyes and breathed deeply.
"Yeah," he said softly. Pepper cleared her throat.
"Besides, you don't know that for sure," she said, desperately trying to make light of the situation.
"No, it's gotta be true. She has a scar…"
"Tony!" Pepper closed her eyes and held up her hands. "Let me make something perfectly clear here." She opened her eyes and looked at him. "I don't want to know about it." Tony nodded and looked away. "If it'll make you feel any better, I can do a background check on her." He looked up to her.
"I'm not sure if I want to know or not. What if…" Pepper held up her hand.
"Tony, calm down. I'm pretty sure all this is, is just a silly misunderstanding."
"What if it's true, Pepper?" Tony shouted. "Do realize that this would make me a homosexual?" Pepper rolled her eyes.
"Oh my God, Tony, no it wouldn't," Pepper said, feeling exasperated by now.
"I can see it now. You pulling up her… his… its information and it revealing the truth. It wasn't until just then that I realized just how much of a bitch karma is. I deserve it though, figures I would be attracted to a woman who was once a man." Pepper pinched the bridge of her nose as she listened to Tony babble. "I'm gay, point blank. I had sex with a man, therefore I can no longer have sex with women because I…"
Pepper didn't let him finish, she was done listening to him whine. She stood up, ripped open her blouse and let him just gaze at her chest. Tony's eyes went straight down to her breasts and wished so much that she wasn't wearing a bra.
"… am totally not gay," he said with a choked voice. Pepper smirked to herself.
"You want to touch?" she asked him sweetly. Tony threw the rag off his head and lunged off the bed, pulling her into his arms.
A few hours later Tony woke up in the bedroom alone. He searched the bed and didn't find her anywhere in the bedroom. He got up, slipped his boxers on and went to find her. He ran his fingers through his hair as he made his way to her office. Just as he reached for the knob to her office door, the door flew open.
"Hey," she said, smiling at him, looking very delicious in his button up shirt. "What are you doing up?"
"I came to find you. What were you doing?" he asked tiredly.
"Oh, nothing. Just some research," she said, trying to keep a straight face.
"On that woman or man or whatever she is." Pepper snorted and placed her hands on his face.
"Tony, you have nothing to worry about." She leaned into his face and kissed his lips gently. After a moment, Tony leaned back and looked at her.
"So, I'm not gay?" he asked her. Pepper laughed at that and pulled him into her arms.
"No, Honey, I promise you that." She felt him relax in her arms.
"Let's go to bed, I'm exhausted," he mumbled into her neck, then pulling her towards the bedroom.
Back in the office, Jarvis hacked into her computer and erased her search history, thus eliminating all the evidence she had found on one 'Christian Everhart', who coincidentally had received a very expensive operation to change his sex the year before 'Miss Christine Everhart' had graduated from college.