Steaming Audio / Stream of Consciousness
Click to viewI am such a different person than I used to be. I think it is for the better, but I so miss the ease of how I would talk to ANYONE and EVERYONE as if I had known them for 5 years or more. I was so outgoing... I was independent and free and and... and? I don't know maybe I never was those things... maybe that is just what I want to believe is different and that I am really not that different from before. In the past year or two, I have met an amazing man whom I love to death and whose family I feel as close to as my very own.... I have graduated college and started a new life in a new place with a brand new job that I could have gotten right out of high school... Does that bug me... a little... I display my college degree when all it has done thus far is collect the dust that is probably accumulating over my other past achievements.... if there are any notable enough to be called achievements.
What path lies before me... Where am I to go next. I don't believe this is the life I am made to live. My job is fine for what it is, but it is not what I have a passion for. But what do I live to do... what makes me "ALIVE"? I love talking to people... I love listening to their stories on life, love, and everything in between. I love music and mixed CD's from people I don't know from artists I never heard of with beautiful beats, lyrics that hit the soul and evoke emotions that I never knew I had. I want to receive letters from anonymous... I want to send my reply in a bottle and throw it into the sea... I want to be a speck in the great world but still feel needed for it to go round. What does it all mean to want to be small but large? Is such a thing even EVER possible. I want more than to be what I am... I think I am made for more... to do SOMETHING worth ANYTHING. I am losing my ability to think... I am falling into comfortability and not driving myself further... not doing the risky or reaching for the unreachable.... I am only staying in the same place... doing the same thing... because I know how. I don't think Columbia is the right place for me... but then where? St. Louis would just be more of the same.. yes people I love live there... but I think it makes visiting that much more precious. Chicago seems to be close yet not to far away... Washington is still a very doable option, but I would want to make that move my last for awhile.
Now please don't think this as a sad or even a bad post.... I just feel like a commoner when I know there is more to me... if not why would my heart and head be telling me so? I just want to know where to go from here... with what I have learned where am I to apply it... with who I love by my side what should WE conquer... with what I think is there an idea? Should I go back to school... and if so for what? Should I move or more of the same? No no no... I need something though... this is just a push to get it.