Softly, softly...
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately... thinking about what would make someone incapable of saying one of the pairs of two magical words we all learned as children:
"I'm Sorry."
I am a deeply apologetic person. I say "I'm sorry" dozens of times a day. And despite my seemingly overuse of the two words, I really AM sorry.
I am sorry when I accidentally brush against someone on the tube. I'm sorry when I shift my feet and I accidentally bump into someone's bag.
I'm sorry when I cross paths with a colleague and can't figure out which way to go. I'm sorry when I am using the water cooler to refill my water bottle, and a colleague comes up and has to wait behind me for all of 10 seconds so they can do the same. I'm sorry when I bump into someone as they come out of the bathroom, especially when I startle them.
I'm sorry to my customers, sorry that their needs are outside the scope of my role or that the printer ran out of ink or that they have been misinformed about our holdings.
I'm sorry to my husband because dinner went awry or because I was late back from work or because I forgot I needed something and now we both have to trek out to get it.
I say "I'm sorry" many times throughout the day, every day of my life.
So how could it be so hard for someone to say "I'm sorry" just one single time? How could it take them more than a year to come to that vital step? Or rather, longer, as the apology has never come.
How can you be mean to someone you supposedly love, and NOT feel sorry about what you said. I feel sorry all the time for things I did to others years and years AND YEARS ago. I tripped a kid named Justin on the playground when I was about 7 or 8 years old. I STILL feel bad about it. I never had done it before, and I never did it again. If I hurt someone, I carry that hurt around with me every day for the rest of my life. I regret many things I have said or done, and I wish I could take them back. That is what being sorry is all about.
What must it be like not to feel sorry about the things you have done to another person?
Maybe it isn't as simple as that. Maybe it goes deeper than that. Maybe some people can not say they are sorry, because it would show they are infallible. That their version of history is not perfect. That they have a weakness, and that weakness is being wrong (even if it is only every once in a while).
A simple Google search returned a few relevant articles on the subject. I'm including links and a few excerpts.
For non-apologists, saying "I’m sorry" carries psychological ramifications that run far deeper than the words themselves imply; it elicits fundamental fears (either conscious or unconscious) they desperately want to avoid.
Admissions of wrong doing are incredibly threatening for non-apologists because they have trouble separating their actions from their character. If they did something bad, they must be bad people; if they were neglectful, they must be fundamentally selfish and uncaring; if they were wrong, they must be ignorant or stupid, etc. Therefore, apologies represent a major threat to their basic sense of identity and self-esteem.
Why some people will never apologize
People only change if they want to change. You cannot force someone to respect you. You cannot force someone to admit they were wrong or apologize. Only they have the power to shift their perspective. And sometimes, it’s just not going to happen.
I finally realized that sometimes, people are just mean. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
When People Are Mean and Refuse to Admit It or Apologize
I'm not sure which is true, which is correct. I suppose the Psychology Today article is a bit more 'researched' and 'academic', whereas the blog post from someone's own personal experience with a non-apologist reflects the way I feel about my own personal experience with this.
Life goes on, and I know mine has moved on. I wonder what will happen when they realise the enormity of their mistake. When they realise that they have a lot more to apologise for--not just for the initial causation, but what the year and potentially YEARS of avoiding that apology equate to in wrongness and hurtfulness.
Mischief managed.