depression isnt it great.. =/ *sighs*
I am going to try and sort out into words all that i have been feeling and whats been racing through my head lately. Good luck to those who decide they wanna take a go at reading and understanding it.
With the realization with this chapter in my life is changing, totally scares me.
When i first moved out of my house it wasnt so bad because it would always be there and i could go back. Not so true anymore, my grandma is dying getting worse every single day. So she moved out and into my aunts house, now they are getting rid of the house to help pay for taking care of her. Steve is moving out, and all of our stuff we are packing up and moving out. Because we only have a short period of time to move things out before they start to get it fixed..
Mom and i have an apartment as of this weekend. we are moving in as soon as possible. Steve is still working on getting a house. He has one picked out and has four bedrooms. He already told me i have a room there even though i might not live with him. I really dont know how i feel about that. Because i dont know how i am suppossed to feel about him.
I try not to think about it much. when i do i get stuck on the what if's, and how all the facts point to how he might have hurt me as a child. Though the memories i have are very vague. i dont even know if i handle it. Considering the fact of my abusive childhood and how i ball my eyes out everytime i try to think of how i should feel about him. Like "Am i a bad person to hate him?" "Or how could i not hate him for all he has done?" It isnt right in anyways shape or form.
He is getting help for it, but i still think he should go back to jail. But all the hurt he caused seems to be going unpunished. Being around him isnt helping me much at all. I hurt everytime i see him. All i want to do is cry and runaway. But he is here in my life and there is nothing i can do about it.
I know that i am getting better with dealing with steve, because i no longer have nervous breakdowns when i am around him. Yet did i just surpress those feelings? I mean no one really knows if they really have closure on some point in their life. Considering the fact of how complexed and unique we think and our minds work.
I am starting to feel so depressed, to the point where i get sick everyday as an excuse to not get up in the morning. At night i toss and turn not being able to sleep afraid that some way all the hidden memories from my past will come back. Once more i will be left alone in the dark crying, screaming to be held. I cant take that most of all, it makes me feel as if there is no hope for me, no hope of escaping all these awful feelings and memories. Im not myself anymore inside and in my eyes atleast.
Alogn with it all i am losing my grandma along with my mind. The day she dies i dont know what i am going to do i love her so very much. despite all the things she has done.
I guess thats just the just of everything, but the efect it is taking on me is just so heavy and unable to deal with all these things running through my head. Part of me thinks i should go into therapy, because i dont know how to handle with these situations. Yet also i feel as if i am giving up on myself by doing so. If i cant help myself what makes me think someone who doesnt know me can.
I guess i am really just asking for advice. I know everyone goes through so many hardships and struggles.Just throw in a word of advice, i will welcome it with open arms. I am at my bottom right now.