Lighter Fare

[spencer_mato]

To follow that rather angry post I have a poem I wrote at work while I was waiting for people to come into the shop. I rather like it, although it could use some work maybe. Let me know.

The ObeliskOver golden waves I drift

Comments

Poem

[sryope26]

Spencer -
It's not too bad. I like the subtle yet obvious sexual imagery you're presenting - your imagery is really strong, and that's good. the wording itself is a bit repetetive, especially around the beginning - you overuse the words "waves" & "golden." However, I enjoy the way you use a variety of "color" words through out.

With perhaps some new word choices to give it more variety, and maybe even adding another couple of lines of "action" in the middle, this could be a really good poem. It's a very solid beginning.

I've been writing poetry since age 12, and still write with a Thesaurus nearby. :)

Good luck!
-SG

Re: Poem

[spencer_mato]

Thanks for the advice, but everything in the word choice was intentional. It was orginally called "The Golden Journey" but I changed it because the journey itself wasn't the focal point.