In which Spider sings the Woe Is Me aria once again.
I've pretty much come to the realization that I'll never be employed again.
--> I used to think I was really damn good at what I used to do; evidently I'm not, or I would have a job by now.
--> I've interviewed for two jobs that I truly thought I was "born to do"; evidently I was not, or I would have a job by now.
__> I've applied for service and retail jobs that "anyone can do"; evidently I can not, or I would have a job by now.
For a while now I've been getting serious anxiety attacks every time I look at the job listings. That's not hyperbole; I mean shaking hands, hyperventilating, bursting into tears. My cursor hovers over the Craigslist link and I literally can't bring myself to click it. I get an urge -- literally, not figuratively -- to run away and hide.
I have an opportunity to do piecework in someone's basement, assembling leather sex toys. It's legitimate work and I should do it, but for some reason I can't. I try to think of it as "kindergarten craft time" -- playing with glue and little rivets and buckles -- but after a few hours it turns from "kindergarten" to "sweatshop" and tears start leaking down my face when no one is looking. Then I hate myself for being such a special snowflake that I can't do honest work without a minor breakdown.
Yes, I'm going back into therapy. Yes, I have the support of friends and loved ones. No, I'm not posting this to get comments of support and love and good thoughts. I appreciate them, but I don't have the energy to appreciate them right now, if you know what I mean.
Don't worry about me killing myself. Not going to happen. Doesn't need to happen. I'm just going to lie down and not think at all. There are enough videos on YouTube to keep me functioning without a brain for the rest of my natural life.
I've always been proud of being strong and resilient, but theses days I feel very fragile. I feel like something inside me has physically broken. Not the usual "the well is dry and I need to refill it." Something has snapped.
I'm not the Intrepid Arachnid anymore.
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