I have no idea about my life.
Heck, even Susie is back to college to get a Nursing Assistant degree as I speak!
I would like to go back to school, but how can I? I don't make enough money on my own to even pay for the stuff that I would need to get done prior to even going to school. I can't even have Aaron's help for me to go to college because he is still paying off his Masters degree.
How the hell am I supposed to do anything with my life?
I wouldn't mind acting or at least voice acting, but I've tried outlets and have yet to get anywhere.
I wish that there was a way with my job that i could pursue what I would like to do, but how can I?
Acting and being better than others is unfortunately in my blood. I look at family history and all that I see are people who were great and knew what they wanted.
So far, the only thing that I knew that I wanted was to Marry Aaron!
I want to do so many things, and only in one convincing thought, I know that if I were an actress, I could do and be all of those things that I wish I could be.
I didn't know that I would like to act until a very small play in fourth grade, and the only reason why I was a main person in that small play, #1. I was out sick and had absolutely no say when my Mom said YES to my Fourth grade teacher that I might enjoy that. #2. My partner in that play was a kid that not many people liked, but I got along with him really good. (He was the only classmate of mine to actually visit me in the local hospital back when I was in fifth or sixth grade.) We used to be good friends, but then he got held back a grade and then he went all dark and goth like. After he went through that, I would wave to him and he would just nod and I could never get a chance to talk to him. Most of my classmates didn't want to talk to me after what the high school did to me for the senior trip to florida. I was just lucky that I had a few classmates who wanted to walk around with me and just hang out for a change. They finally got to see more of who I am and was back then. Most of them didn't know that I was working 2 jobs in order to pay for my trip to florida, but my friends who were walking around the parks with me eventually got to know how hard i was trying to pay and to get to go someplace with my classmates. I was always held back when it came to hanging out with friends due to my dialysis at home. They didn't really get to realize that I wanted to hang out with all of my friends so that they could get to know me a little more so. Nobody at school really knew me. I wanted for others to get to know me, but that never really happened.
I need help in getting to where I want to get my life to. I've tried to tell Aaron this, but I can't get to explain it right for him.
Anyways, we can't even afford for me to go to college for anything while Aaron has his college grad bills to pay for and for us to get a house or something in June.
I basically just give up here. I'm not gonna get to go to college because it just will never happen. I've tried that D.O.R.S. (Department of Rehabilitation Services) program down here in Maryland, and they want people who know exactly what they want to do and they want to know more than just that. The people there are just so rude to me and all of that. They don't want to help, but they want to lead people to what they think they want. I don't want to be lead, I want to LEED myself in my own journey, but I can't do it without some help.
Now, if anyone wants to get upset with me and my complaining about simple life things that annoy me, then just shut up and think about everything I have just said. If you have gone to college and have the sort of life that you wish you had, then really think about what I said and try to see life from my point of view.
Try and see life from the eyes of someone who has spent over half of their life sick and almost has died a whole bunch of times. Try and see life from a point of view where I have worked so hard and put my small body through so much hard times and heart ache. Try and see from my point of view where I have done so much more than any other person who has been through everything in which I have been through. I'm lucky to still be alive and back to normal!!! (Well, almost normal for me.)
I can't keep talking about this because it has had me crying and getting so angry and mad at myself and my life. I just can't keep in this cycle of life that I am in. It needs to change to something different and soon.
I want to better myself, but I know that I NEED help!!! Why can I not get any help with my life?