Randomly organised wonderings
I mean randomly organised. We're going in head first.
If someone you're entangled with is.. how can I put this..... a negative influence on themselves, is it really alright to say to yourself, hey, I like this person a lot, but because of how negative they are I really can't get involved here? I feel like I've worked hard to get myself out of that sort of building-blocks-of-codependency bullshit that was hanging around me for a few years, and to be honest, I just want to be happy and not have to excessively work against an oncoming tide of depression, anxiety, everything from someone else. I know how hard it is - my Dad's got issues with both and he was hard enough to deal with, I couldn't be happy with that in a partner. I feel bad about thinking this, because of course you get all these movies and so forth telling you love conquers all, and I'm a psychologist so I should know that everyone's got some shit.. but when a good 60% of what I see from a person is them attacking themselves or their situation, I start to get edgy. I know what I'd like to be the case, but I also know that when someone's used to being negative or has bad issues with anxiety or whatever, that's a really hard thing to work with. I don't know, I think I know the answer to this, I just really don't like it because it makes me feel like a selfish person. But I know that I'm not, as such.. I think making relationships has to be a selfish en devour for both parties, in many ways.
Also, I feel like I'm not getting enough writing done... she says as she writes a journal. I mean academic writing. There's been a lot to juggle and I've had to change methods on a few things and there's been scanning and off days... I don't know, those feel like excuses. I need to sit down and get some actual prose out, because for all the reading and things I've done I don't have anything other than coursework to show for it right now. It's always an arse when I'm doing applications or whatever and they have a publications section that I have to leave empty.
I'm 80% sure I'm not going to Asylum next year. Which bums me out, I have some amazing memories there. But I think Rogue have run it really fucking hard into the ground, and to be honest the Supernatural fandom is kind of fucking awful. Like a 'did your parents raise you like that or is this a cathartic mess of bullying and gay porn' sort of awful. With exceptions, of course, but I see so much vile behaviour that I don't really want to be affiliated with it. The show is fine (read: trash, but enjoyable), but yeah... not so up for the people at the moment. They'll hopefully never be as bad as the Night Vale fandom though (read: obsessed with race and social justice to the point of civil war - "Every head cannon for Cecil is right, but YOURS IS OPPRESSING ME").
Charity shop up the road is selling everything for £1 - I got a skirt that I made into a dress - it's red as all hell, and makes me feel like I'm in Deadly Premonition. I'll be wearing it in Newcastle, I think, if it's not too cold. Oh, and I'm visiting Newcastle from the night of the 4th to the morning of the 9th next month. I'm coming up for the colour run and my Dad's birthday, mainly, but I don't think I'll be spending a while lot of time in the house. I miss being in the city, and having some solo time. Having a housemate that is very close can be tiring. Especially when he wants to be romantically entangled and you can never tell if he knows that's not the case or not (he says he knows).
I've fucked up my left elbow pretty badly, so I've not been able to pole for about a week, which is annoying. Classes have stopped for the summer down here, and I was toying with the idea of getting a private with Cherry when I visited, but I'm not sure my arm will hold up. I might try and do a little strengthening this week and see how I feel by maybe... Friday.
Swansea is toasty warm. Holy shit man, is this what summer is?!