[oneshot] no other reason
Title: no other reason
ORIGINAL
ONE SHOT
Comments: An old piece of writing, typed up on Friday, April 14, 2006. Written because my badminton partner didn't show up on the day of the tournament, and so I sat through it doing nothing. Except for this, I suppose.
I was alone.
Even though many faces surrounded me, I was alone. I had been let down by someone I didn’t even trust.
I could have left. I could have left that people filled place, to escape the utter loneliness that struck me. You may wonder why I didn’t leave though. You even told me that I could go.
I just laughed and said it was okay. I would stay. I would stay with everyone else until they left. Then I would leave with them. There was no need to call someone to take me away sooner if I could leave later. No need to bother anyone who didn’t need to be bothered. I would wait patiently. Mindlessly.
You may think that I was being stupid. Maybe I was. To be truthful, I stayed just for you.
You were a familiar face among others that I didn’t know. There were other faces that I knew, but seeing yours made me feel less lonely. It took away the feeling of being let down.
It didn’t matter that you were busy. It didn’t matter that you didn’t look at me every time we passed. It didn’t matter that you didn’t seem to look for my face as I looked for yours. All I needed was the knowledge that you were around.
The few times that you talked to me were more than enough to sustain me through the times of nothingness. Actually, they weren’t. I kept wishing that you wouldn’t sit so far away from me when you weren’t busy. But I never went to you. I didn’t know if you wanted my company. I didn’t know if you like me; what your opinion of me was. I didn’t know you at all.
How absurd that someone I knew so little of could comfort me so much. How absurd that I was willing to stay, alone amongst the crowd of unknown people, just to stay in your presence that much longer. I still wonder at my decision.
For I knew that you only talked to me for the sake of alleviating my loneliness. It almost bordered on pity. Almost, but not quite, because you didn’t stop every time you saw me to signal to me in any way. I wished for you to, but I knew that I couldn’t get everything that I wanted. And yet I lingered.
I watched you when I could. Out of people’s way, I only saw you if you were nearby. Often you weren’t. But that didn’t bother me. That didn’t bother me at all.
Then it was time to leave. The wait had been excruciatingly long, and yet it seemed to have ended too soon, just because of you. I wanted to say goodbye, but my body wouldn’t move your way, my voice wouldn’t call out your name. So I left without saying goodbye, taking one last look at you. I wonder what your reaction to that was.
I wonder if you would long for me if you had been in my position. I wonder if you would be stupid enough to stay for me, as I did for you. I wonder if you thought I was stupid to stay. I wonder, but I don’t know how you think; I don’t really know you at all. Your inner self remains hidden, closely guarded. Anything I know of you didn’t come from you.
Yet I stayed. I stayed alone.
And then I left without a word.
ORIGINAL
ONE SHOT
Comments: An old piece of writing, typed up on Friday, April 14, 2006. Written because my badminton partner didn't show up on the day of the tournament, and so I sat through it doing nothing. Except for this, I suppose.
I was alone.
Even though many faces surrounded me, I was alone. I had been let down by someone I didn’t even trust.
I could have left. I could have left that people filled place, to escape the utter loneliness that struck me. You may wonder why I didn’t leave though. You even told me that I could go.
I just laughed and said it was okay. I would stay. I would stay with everyone else until they left. Then I would leave with them. There was no need to call someone to take me away sooner if I could leave later. No need to bother anyone who didn’t need to be bothered. I would wait patiently. Mindlessly.
You may think that I was being stupid. Maybe I was. To be truthful, I stayed just for you.
You were a familiar face among others that I didn’t know. There were other faces that I knew, but seeing yours made me feel less lonely. It took away the feeling of being let down.
It didn’t matter that you were busy. It didn’t matter that you didn’t look at me every time we passed. It didn’t matter that you didn’t seem to look for my face as I looked for yours. All I needed was the knowledge that you were around.
The few times that you talked to me were more than enough to sustain me through the times of nothingness. Actually, they weren’t. I kept wishing that you wouldn’t sit so far away from me when you weren’t busy. But I never went to you. I didn’t know if you wanted my company. I didn’t know if you like me; what your opinion of me was. I didn’t know you at all.
How absurd that someone I knew so little of could comfort me so much. How absurd that I was willing to stay, alone amongst the crowd of unknown people, just to stay in your presence that much longer. I still wonder at my decision.
For I knew that you only talked to me for the sake of alleviating my loneliness. It almost bordered on pity. Almost, but not quite, because you didn’t stop every time you saw me to signal to me in any way. I wished for you to, but I knew that I couldn’t get everything that I wanted. And yet I lingered.
I watched you when I could. Out of people’s way, I only saw you if you were nearby. Often you weren’t. But that didn’t bother me. That didn’t bother me at all.
Then it was time to leave. The wait had been excruciatingly long, and yet it seemed to have ended too soon, just because of you. I wanted to say goodbye, but my body wouldn’t move your way, my voice wouldn’t call out your name. So I left without saying goodbye, taking one last look at you. I wonder what your reaction to that was.
I wonder if you would long for me if you had been in my position. I wonder if you would be stupid enough to stay for me, as I did for you. I wonder if you thought I was stupid to stay. I wonder, but I don’t know how you think; I don’t really know you at all. Your inner self remains hidden, closely guarded. Anything I know of you didn’t come from you.
Yet I stayed. I stayed alone.
And then I left without a word.