(no subject)
Nyquil has officially failed me.
I just don't understand. I like to consider myself to be a really good person. For the most part I considered myself to be someone that someone would easily want to be with. But now that I'm looking back on it, the majority of the people that I liked pulled the whole "friend card." When I like someone I fall hard. No...Let me rephrase. I like a lot of people. But when I really like someone I can't help but to let myself fall for them. I try really hard not to but it happens every time. I fall hard. And I fall fast. I'm very selective and picky. I have high standards and a lot of people don't meet up to them. I just know what I look for in a guy and it's very rare for me to find it. Drew, Shane, Joe, and now Evan. All four times I've fallen hard and only one time did someone fall hard for me.
I said I wasn't expecting anything. To be honest, I wasn't. I just wasn't expecting the whole "best friend role." I just kind of figured we would do what we had been doing and then seen where it would take us. It was kind of a shock I guess. A slap in the face if you will. It kind of came out of nowhere especially since the other night I thought we had a good time.
I'm a very logical and level headed person. I'm usually good at reading people and understanding their thinking process. I just don't get it this time. He kept mentioning a love triangle and I wasn't sure what he meant by it. Then he said something and it all made sense. I like Evan. Evan likes Shane. Shane likes me. Well...what a wonderful situation to be in! hah. After I found out this information I began to think of what Shane has that I don't. I get the whole appeal. I really do. I've been there. But after talking to Evan I felt like I was the type of person he wanted. I felt like I was his "type" of guy. I felt like we were on the same page when it came to relationships and dating. We are very similar and Shane and I are very different from one another.
Then...he has the balls to ask me advice on how to pursue Shane. ... . I guess I set myself up for that. He had said something about no one being able to give him good advice so I asked him what was up and he told me. As he told me this my mouth literally just dropped and I sat at my computer screen in complete shock. I felt so nauseous. I really thought someone had punched me in the stomach. Like...really dude? You just told me you wanted to be my friend a few hours ago and now, knowing that I liked you, you're going to ask me advice on how to get with my ex boyfriend. Okay. I wanted to scream at him but all I could manage to say was that I couldn't help him.
I'm feeling so shitty about myself. Yeah I talked to Cortney about it and Mike and even Joey put in his two cents through a 5 page text message that I never responded to, and they all made me feel a little better but I just can't get over the fact that I feel like there is something wrong with me. I told Cort earlier that I feel like that nerdy ugly kid in the movie that is in love with the pretty girl who is in love with the cool guy. As lame as that sounds it's true. Well...part of me wishes it was true. At least in the movie the nerdy guy ends up getting the girl he wants. This is real life. I never get what I really want. Let's be serious.
I'm just tired. I'm tired of getting rejected. I'm tired of putting myself out there to only have people that I'm not interested in like me back. I'm tired of being in situations that I can't control. I'm tired of being single. And most importantly...I'm tired of being lonely.
I just thought that maybe this time was different. Maybe this time things will work out in my favor. Maybe someone other than Shane would realize what I have to offer. But it wasn't...
I sit here at 4 in the morning and I literally beat myself up over it. I don't handle rejection well. And what makes it worse is that it has been less than a week since I've been talking to this kid. Granted I've liked him for months now but still. I shouldn't feel like this. I feel like one of those crazy psychotic girls who fall in love with every guy they see. It's very out of character for me to like someone a lot. I mean I've been around for 21 years and I've only really liked 4 people. Well 5 but I don't count Ryan because I initially didn't feel this way around him.
Everything about this situation bothers me. Just from what was said to me and from what I was saying back I thought there was something there. Something that could have been great. But I guess I will never know.
He said that I was different because I know a good thing when I see it and I can appreciate it. I thought he did too but maybe I was wrong...
Seriously. Fuck my life.
I just don't understand. I like to consider myself to be a really good person. For the most part I considered myself to be someone that someone would easily want to be with. But now that I'm looking back on it, the majority of the people that I liked pulled the whole "friend card." When I like someone I fall hard. No...Let me rephrase. I like a lot of people. But when I really like someone I can't help but to let myself fall for them. I try really hard not to but it happens every time. I fall hard. And I fall fast. I'm very selective and picky. I have high standards and a lot of people don't meet up to them. I just know what I look for in a guy and it's very rare for me to find it. Drew, Shane, Joe, and now Evan. All four times I've fallen hard and only one time did someone fall hard for me.
I said I wasn't expecting anything. To be honest, I wasn't. I just wasn't expecting the whole "best friend role." I just kind of figured we would do what we had been doing and then seen where it would take us. It was kind of a shock I guess. A slap in the face if you will. It kind of came out of nowhere especially since the other night I thought we had a good time.
I'm a very logical and level headed person. I'm usually good at reading people and understanding their thinking process. I just don't get it this time. He kept mentioning a love triangle and I wasn't sure what he meant by it. Then he said something and it all made sense. I like Evan. Evan likes Shane. Shane likes me. Well...what a wonderful situation to be in! hah. After I found out this information I began to think of what Shane has that I don't. I get the whole appeal. I really do. I've been there. But after talking to Evan I felt like I was the type of person he wanted. I felt like I was his "type" of guy. I felt like we were on the same page when it came to relationships and dating. We are very similar and Shane and I are very different from one another.
Then...he has the balls to ask me advice on how to pursue Shane. ... . I guess I set myself up for that. He had said something about no one being able to give him good advice so I asked him what was up and he told me. As he told me this my mouth literally just dropped and I sat at my computer screen in complete shock. I felt so nauseous. I really thought someone had punched me in the stomach. Like...really dude? You just told me you wanted to be my friend a few hours ago and now, knowing that I liked you, you're going to ask me advice on how to get with my ex boyfriend. Okay. I wanted to scream at him but all I could manage to say was that I couldn't help him.
I'm feeling so shitty about myself. Yeah I talked to Cortney about it and Mike and even Joey put in his two cents through a 5 page text message that I never responded to, and they all made me feel a little better but I just can't get over the fact that I feel like there is something wrong with me. I told Cort earlier that I feel like that nerdy ugly kid in the movie that is in love with the pretty girl who is in love with the cool guy. As lame as that sounds it's true. Well...part of me wishes it was true. At least in the movie the nerdy guy ends up getting the girl he wants. This is real life. I never get what I really want. Let's be serious.
I'm just tired. I'm tired of getting rejected. I'm tired of putting myself out there to only have people that I'm not interested in like me back. I'm tired of being in situations that I can't control. I'm tired of being single. And most importantly...I'm tired of being lonely.
I just thought that maybe this time was different. Maybe this time things will work out in my favor. Maybe someone other than Shane would realize what I have to offer. But it wasn't...
I sit here at 4 in the morning and I literally beat myself up over it. I don't handle rejection well. And what makes it worse is that it has been less than a week since I've been talking to this kid. Granted I've liked him for months now but still. I shouldn't feel like this. I feel like one of those crazy psychotic girls who fall in love with every guy they see. It's very out of character for me to like someone a lot. I mean I've been around for 21 years and I've only really liked 4 people. Well 5 but I don't count Ryan because I initially didn't feel this way around him.
Everything about this situation bothers me. Just from what was said to me and from what I was saying back I thought there was something there. Something that could have been great. But I guess I will never know.
He said that I was different because I know a good thing when I see it and I can appreciate it. I thought he did too but maybe I was wrong...
Seriously. Fuck my life.