Hugs. I'm sorry to hear how that experience affected you.
Personally I have trouble conceiving of how I would feel comfortable in any play space - I don't know if it's just because the people I like are men, and that there is just something inherently intimidating about a bunch of horny men. Perhaps if I were a queer woman in a women's space, this would not be the case, but it's hard for me to hypothesize like that.
I'm more inclined, though, to chalk it up to how intensely private I feel about sex. Nothing shuts down my sex drive more than exposing it to scrutiny. On some level I feel like this is causing me to "miss out" on something. But I think it's also unrealistic to expect myself to keep up with the most intensely sexual elements of gay culture just because it's gay and so am I. I'd rather just devote energy to what I know makes me happy.
What I'm leading up to, though, is - bravo on your comfort level in women's play spaces. I hope you can realize how amazing that is. :)
Our head and our heart are two very different things. We all require time to heal those wounds on our heart and the scars that are left there. I know I'm less comfortable in a space if it includes men even if those men have never harmed me or anyone I know in any way. It is due to the reality of being harmed by men in the past. I can intellectualize that I should feel that way, but it doesn't change things. It is only through healing the past issues and finding men whom I can trust and have positive experiences with that those things change.
Fair enough, yeah. I struggle with similar issues, although I know for a fact I'm not actually a lesbian. I suppose there's a need for both types of spaces, because I know my partner, being more rabidly bisexual than I, laments the single-gender nature of most play parties. While I agree with him, I also feel your pain. It's so not fair that we as women just become shut down in any space where men proliferate. I'm certain it has to do with hegemonic gender structure, but it doesn't stop it from being real. I'm so sorry you had such a difficult experience... *hugs*
"I'm certain it has to do with hegemonic gender structure, but it doesn't stop it from being real."
i think we always have to struggle with individual needs in broader quests for justice. i, for one, have been guilty of eclipsing the former with the latter quite often.
Thanks. It's part of why I can't do the activism thing. The feminist mantra of "The personal is political" is fine and dandy if the personal isn't tearing you to shreds, right? It's important to focus on your own needs sometimes. Take good care of yourself, k?
Re: off-topicsplinterjeteJanuary 24 2010, 04:09:23 UTC
hi gina! i am likely going to delete this LJ (or take it offline). it's got a lot of great writing on it but also a lot of stuff that i don't feel comfortable floating around in the ether. ;) thanks for finding me though - and it was great to meet you too!
Comments 7
Personally I have trouble conceiving of how I would feel comfortable in any play space - I don't know if it's just because the people I like are men, and that there is just something inherently intimidating about a bunch of horny men. Perhaps if I were a queer woman in a women's space, this would not be the case, but it's hard for me to hypothesize like that.
I'm more inclined, though, to chalk it up to how intensely private I feel about sex. Nothing shuts down my sex drive more than exposing it to scrutiny. On some level I feel like this is causing me to "miss out" on something. But I think it's also unrealistic to expect myself to keep up with the most intensely sexual elements of gay culture just because it's gay and so am I. I'd rather just devote energy to what I know makes me happy.
What I'm leading up to, though, is - bravo on your comfort level in women's play spaces. I hope you can realize how amazing that is. :)
Reply
Reply
Fair enough, yeah. I struggle with similar issues, although I know for a fact I'm not actually a lesbian. I suppose there's a need for both types of spaces, because I know my partner, being more rabidly bisexual than I, laments the single-gender nature of most play parties. While I agree with him, I also feel your pain. It's so not fair that we as women just become shut down in any space where men proliferate. I'm certain it has to do with hegemonic gender structure, but it doesn't stop it from being real. I'm so sorry you had such a difficult experience... *hugs*
Reply
"I'm certain it has to do with hegemonic gender structure, but it doesn't stop it from being real."
i think we always have to struggle with individual needs in broader quests for justice. i, for one, have been guilty of eclipsing the former with the latter quite often.
Reply
Thanks. It's part of why I can't do the activism thing. The feminist mantra of "The personal is political" is fine and dandy if the personal isn't tearing you to shreds, right? It's important to focus on your own needs sometimes. Take good care of yourself, k?
Reply
xox,
gina
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment