I will survive
Title: I will survive (from the song by Gloria Gaynor)
Characters: Sam, Dean
Word count: 3293 words
Summary: Winchesters deal with Dean's disability (MS)
Time Frame: Set immediately after Acquiesced
Disclaimer: Oh how I wish... Alas!
Rating: Gen
The first time Dean noticed the drop in his foot was when he was walking to the bathroom after tending to Sam’s injuries that he got during the hunt. It wasn’t much, a couple of bloody scratches on the back and mild concussion, but Dean wasn’t going to take any chances. Sam was his responsibility after all. And he’d be damned if Sam got an infection because Dean was too lazy to clean him up properly. He slowly limped to the bathroom and didn’t think of it much. Just thought he twisted his foot while running out of the forest, because running in the forest is their daily activity.
Snorting, Dean swallowed a couple of pills for his throbbing head, he came out to the room and checked the salt lines on the windows and doors, and made sure Sam was resting well before getting in the bed and getting some rest himself.
Few days later, couple thousand miles away, after Dean first noticed his own limp, Sam asked him about it. Dean knew that it was bad enough that Sam actually asked him about it. Although he knew his brother noticed every little thing about him but he had hoped that Sam would somehow been blind towards his now well-pronounced limp. The day Sam had asked about it had been the day when Dean had had enough. Making some excuse about going to get some lunch while leaving Sam to get some research done, he entered a drug store that kept some medical aid equipment as well. Dean knew he wasn’t the smartest of all but everyone knew how to use Google. And that’s what he did. He still didn’t know what was wrong with him and why he felt tired even after a day’s worth of sleep but right now, making his limp disappear was more important, and that’s what he’d stick with.
Entering the store, it didn’t take long for Dean to find the aisle where they kept the foot braces. It wasn’t what was recommended on the internet but this would have to do for now. Dean didn’t have the time or money to run around a doctor’s office and get fitted for the brace, nor was he interested in letting Sam know that there really was a problem with him. And more importantly, he wished that it would get better or just go away. So foot brace it was.
Purchasing it, Dean ran out the store as fast as he could and sat in the Impala. He ripped out the packaging and immediately tried it on. It didn’t do much good but he thought with the help of it, he should be able to cover his limp enough to not let Sam notice it again.
It worked.
At least for a while.
Then something even worse happened. Dean’s hands started shaking when he was cleaning his guns. He’d been doing that since he was 10. He could even do them blind-folded and the fact that he couldn’t do it scared the crap out of him. But then his whole leg just stopped working, stop listening to his commands and that was unacceptable. And yet, there was nothing he could do about it.
“Think that’s enough for today” Sam‘s voice broke Dean out of his past.
Concentrating on the task and ignoring Sam, Dean continued what he was doing. They were doing the exercises to retain some of muscles, improvising it a bit, Winchester style. Sam had him sitting on one of the work benches. Dean was working on his arms with the weights while Sam worked on his legs. ‘Whatever good that would do’ Dean bitterly thought to himself.
“You’re gonna overwork yourself” Sam said getting his wheelchair next to him.
“One more set” Dean said as he continued working the weights. Sam stood their glaring at him but didn’t say anything. After Dean was finished, Sam quickly took the weights away and handed him a towel.
“You’re so bossy” Dean said. Sam had a flash of the time when he told Dean that. He felt guilty for putting that kind of a pressure on him. Sam knew how seriously Dean took the responsibility for his safety. Always putting himself in danger so that Sam would be safe. And now it was Sam’s duty and he fully intends to fulfill it.
“You hungry?”
“Nah, just tired” Dean mumbled. Sam watched as Dean tried to move into his wheelchair. Usually he could transfer himself from a steady surface into his chair, while transfer from the bed was a bit harder. Sam had seen Dean exhausted and unable to make the transfer countless times but it never got any easier for the younger Winchester to see his brother, his hero so weak and helpless.
And today, with the extended therapy and the weakness in his arm, Sam watched as his both his arms shook from the pressure of holding his body upright. He couldn’t take it anymore and finally helped him settle in the chair. He then noticed the sweat covering his face from the exertion. Opening the cap of the water bottle, Sam handed it to Dean and took the towel from the bench and started patting his face.
“Dude, get off me!” Dean pushed his hands away. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”
“I... uh...” Sam didn’t know what to say. He doesn’t even know why he did that. It was so weird.
“You’re so weird” Dean laughed, echoing his thoughts, as he wheeled out the room. Sam smiled despite himself, relishing the sound of Dean’s laughter, which seemed to have become quite rare nowadays.
Dean pulled his chair next to the bed and locked the brakes. “Need help” Sam asked hesitantly.
“Yeah”
Sam almost tripped over his own feet to get to Dean’s side. “Dude, what’s the rush?” Dean commented as he saw his brother tumbling towards him. “You know you don’t have to be excited to help me” Dean said softly as Sam picked him and laid him in, ”Gonna need your help a lot in the future”
“Yeah, well...” Sam was lost for words. It was another thing about Dean being disabled. Sam just didn’t know what to say most of the time. And that was unheard of.
“Eat something, Sammy, get some rest, I’m gonna sleep for a bit” Dean said, before doing just that. Sam looked at his brother, noticing how the pain lines that seemed to have made a home in his brother’s face eased out. He also saw how Dean’s face cleared as he fell into a deep sleep and snored lightly.
Sam didn’t know what took over him and he leaned down and brushed his brother’s slightly longer hair out of his face. He needed to give Dean a haircut soon. Maybe he could convince his brother to go out in public to get it. Sam was pretty sure, the latter wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. But one could still hope, right?
Pulling the blanket over Dean’s weak body, Sam turned the lights off and left the door open, in case his brother woke up. On his way to the kitchen to grab something to eat, Sam turned on his laptop.
Sitting on the table, eating salad and drinking juice, Sam started browsing the net for some other ways to help Dean. He’d spent most of his days doing that. He browsed all of Google and yet it felt like he knew nothing. He had nothing that would help ease his brother’s pain. Nothing that would make him better.
******
Sam startled awake from his nap. He was at the table with the laptop in front of him and neck full kinks due to the awkward position he slept in. He looked at the clock and noticed it had been almost four hours since he left Dean alone in his room. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he made his way down the hall to Dean’s room. He pushed the door open and strode in.
“Dean?” he called softly so as not to jostle his brother. Walking closer to his brother, Sam noticed beads of sweat on his forehead. Dread came over Sam as he stood beside his brother, trying to wake him up, “Dean?!”
Dean’s eyes startled open, “S’m?” he mumbled. Sam’s gut rolled when he saw the raw pain reflecting in his brother’s eyes.
“Dean, what’s wrong?” Sam said brushing the strands away.
“Hurts” his brother admitted. Dean admitting to pain was bad but it just made it all the more worse when tears fell down his eyes and landed on to the pillow beneath his head.
“Oh shit, Dean” Sam cursed as he opened the drawers on the side table, pulling out Dean’s medication and taking out a couple and filling the glass with the water from the sink, “Here” he pulled Dean up slightly to sit beside him so his head rested on his shoulder while also supporting his back. Sam put the pills in his mouth and helped him hold the glass when he noticed Dean’s hands were shaking. Dean swallowed the pills and fell against Sam, body relaxing slowly as the spasm eased and the stiffness in his limbs reduced. As Dean relaxed, his breathing got more normal as well.
“Better?” he asked quietly.
“Yeah” Dean said shifting slightly and grimacing, “Sorry about that”
“Nothing to be sorry about. I’m the one who forgot about your pills...”
“Not your responsibility to remember”
Sam rolled his eyes, “Yeah, well, I’m making it my responsibility. So deal with it”
He felt, more than he saw, Dean smiling. He shifted a little more, just enough for Sam to get up from behind him and sat there staring at him.
“What?” Sam asked, “Something on my face” he said rubbing his cheeks.
Now it was Dean’s turn to roll his eyes, “No. You big girl. Help me in the chair”
“Dean, you need to rest”
“Sam...”
“Dean...”
Dean glared at him, “I’ll rest in the living room. I’ll even lie down on the couch if that makes you feel better”
“Why not just stay here?”
“Because I don’t have a TV here. So unless you wanna wear a clown’s costume and entertain me, I’d like to go out and watch some real TV”
Sam shuddered thinking that, “No thanks”
“Oh right, I forgot. Little Sam is scared of clowns” Dean teased.
“They kill!”
“Whatever gets you through the night buddy. Now, you gonna help me or what?” Dean asked raising his eyebrows.
Shaking his head at his brother, Sam helped him.
After getting some food in Dean, Sam watched as his brother hurried to the washroom. He had most of the feeling in his abdomen intact, for now. So bladder and bowel were still in his control.
Holding a box in his hand, Sam stood outside the bathroom door and waited for his brother to finish.
He heard the flush go off and positioned himself. Dean opened the door and was startled to see his giant brother looming in the doorway.
“Can I help you?” he asked uncertainly.
“Nope, but I certainly will help you”
“I don’t need...” Dean started but was cut off by Sam as he strode in the room and opened the box revealing its items. “What the...”
Sam flashed him a smile, “You need a haircut”
Dean sighed, “I’ll do it later...”
“You, brother, don’t need to do anything. Just sit back and relax while I do all the work”
“What?” Dean asked, with something of a shock on his face. “You wanna cut my hair?”
“Well that’s the plan”
“No. Hell no. I’m not letting you near my head with the damn scissors. I remember what happened the last time!” Dean said wheeling his chair out the door. Sam pulled the handle at the back, effectively stopping his brother.
“C’mon man Dean. That happened over 10 years ago!”
“So? I still like my ears how they are, attached to my head”
“It was barely a cut!” Sam said exasperated.
“Nu uh, not taking a chance”
“You do my hair all the time!”
“Yeah well, my hands are rock steady when I...” Dean abruptly stopped.
Softening his voice, Sam kneeled in front of him, “Do you wanna go out and get it done then?”
“No” Dean mumbled. Dejected Sam stood and started packing the hair kit. “If you wanna... really wanna do it, then go ahead” Dean said softly, “Just promise not to cut my ears off”
Sam smiled a wide smile, “Promise, now come on!” Dean smiled at him and wheeled back in.
******
After about thirty minutes, Dean groaned, “For the love of god! Just get it over with!”
“I’m trying. I’m being careful and safe and well... perfection takes time” Sam said.
Sighing loudly, Dean watched Sam in the mirror. Tongue in between his teeth as an indicator of his determination, Sam continued to cut the last bit of hair, “Done!” he yelled enthusiastically.
“Finally!”
“How does it look?” Sam asked eagerly.
“Like it did a month ago” Dean answered rolling his eyes. Truth be told, Sam had done a good job. Even though, it took him forever.
“Good. At least you look more human now!” he smiled as he swept the hair off the bathroom floor and threw it in the garbage.
Just when Dean was done checking his hair in the mirror and was about to leave the room, Sam came and flopped in between his legs and held up a pair of scissors and comb.
“What?” Dean asked confusion written clearly on his face, “You don’t want me to...”
“Yeah I do”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Sammy. If I mess it up...”
“Then let it mess up. As it is, I have more than enough hair to deal with a small mess up”
“I’m not sure I can...”
“I am. And you know how much I love my hair. Maybe more than you love yours. Just trust yourself” Sam told him firmly.
“But what if my hands start shaking?” Dean asked, eyes huge as he contemplated the task.
“Then you stop, take a deep breath and start again” Sam said confidently.
Dean still looked unconvinced but surprised Sam, “Okay, I’ll try”
Moving Dean’s legs aside and positioning himself between them, Sam passed Dean the scissors.
Sitting there, Sam bowed his head down to make it easier for Dean. Usually he’d sit in the front of the mirror and supervise Dean’s every move. It pissed Dean off every time and that was one of the reasons Sam did it for. But right now, Dean didn’t need Sam bitching at him for nothing, instead he needed him to be supportive. And that’s the least Sam could do.
“Turn around a bit” Dean’s quiet husky voice still managed to echo through the silent bathroom. Sam did as instructed. “Stay still” Dean said a few seconds later and Sam realized he was almost rocking back and forth. Bracing himself by putting his arm on his brother’s legs, Sam couldn’t help but cringe inwardly when he noticed how fast his legs were deteriorating and losing muscle. He had to start working harder on them. It’s not like Dean would complain about being sore or anything.
Few minutes later, Sam was turned around to the other side. He was now facing his brother’s bedroom. It made his chest ache to see Dean’s room so clean and tidy. Dean was never the one to clean, especially when it came to his own stuff. But now it was more than necessary since Dean needed space to manoeuvre his chair and wheeling over his own clothes wouldn’t have bothered him so much except now he couldn’t even pick it off the floor in case he did drop something. And asking for his help was something that was a rare occurrence with Dean. The only times Dean asked for his help was to either make Sam feel better about himself, or to end a fight between them. Just like he did few hours ago.
“All done!” Dean exclaimed excitedly. It was all Sam needed to know as jumped up and saw his hair in the mirror. “Like it?”
“Dean! This looks better than anything I’ve had before!” Sam almost squealed.
Dean snickered, “Yeah, and you could’ve had it before but you weren’t too stubborn to let me do it my way.”
“Yeah well, you’re gonna make up for it now. You’re doing this every month!” Sam said, still looking at the mirror.
“Quit admiring yourself and start cleaning” Dean said dusting the hair off his legs.
“Mind styling my hair?” Sam asked. He broke out laughing when he saw Dean’s horrified face. “Dude, calm down! I’m just kidding”. Still laughing, Sam started cleaning the floor and packing the kit for the second time in less than an hour.
Sitting on the couch in the living room and watching some game on the TV since there was nothing else on, Sam passed Dean one beer. If it had been to him, he would’ve resisted but the look on Dean’s face shouted that he needed one and the fact that Dean acted more human today than he had in the past six months, melted Sam like cheese in the oven. Sam was about to get up to put the empty bottles away when Dean stopped him.
“Thanks” he said softly.
Confusion seeped into Sam’s face, “For what?”
“Just... you know...” Dean said gawkily.
Smiling at his brother’s awkwardness, “Anytime bro. Anytime”
Dean watched as Sam disappeared in the kitchen and a smile tugged at his lips. He wasn’t the only one this had been hard on and yet unknowingly he’d hurt Sam more than he ever wished to. But now it was time to change it.
Bringing his eyes down to his lap, he looked at his hands. One day, it is more than likely that he will lose the use of both his arms and the last thing he wanted was to be a burden on his little brother. Sometimes he felt like it would’ve been better if his dad had let him die in the crash. Sam and dad would’ve had problems at first but they would’ve gotten along later. Maybe his death would’ve done what he was never able to do. Make his dad and brother see eye to eye.
Shaking the thoughts away, Dean focussed on the now. Because it doesn’t matter what he wished would’ve happened. What matters is that he’s here and Sam is here. But he’ll be damned if got in the way of his brother’s life. Maybe now Sam could finally have the normal that he always wanted. And Dean would do anything to make that happen. He will figure out a way to make Sam’s life better.
Just because his life is becoming a living hell, doesn’t mean Sam needs to suffer along with him. As it is, he’s probably having a hard time paying the bills and all. This is a nice place to live in and there’s no way it’s going to be cheap. And if by some miracle Sam does manage to pay the bills, it’s only because of Bobby. So now, on top of everything else, Dean needs to figure out a way to pay him back too. He already has wasted so much time in his self-pity party, but now it’s time to deal with it and suck it up.
Rubbing a hand over his face, Dean made up his mind. He was going to a make Sam’s life better. Because it’s the only thing he knows how to do. Because it’s the only thing he knows he can do.