Chapter 5: The Impossible Dream
Chapter 5: The Impossible Dream
Author: Cherie_morte
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Who is even keeping track of this, honestly?
Word Count: 2,420
Summary: The part where, contrary to all laws of god and man, Chad is the one to keep things on task.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Some Time Later
The longer Jeff stared at Chad, the more he began to question whether there was anything at all going on behind that vacant façade.
“My liege,” one of the Doublemints says, breaking Jeff’s concentration. “Is there a reason you have been glaring so intently at your slave for three days?”
Jeff coughs awkwardly. Has it already been three days? “The author must have gotten distracted by gay burritos,” he muses aloud. “Or perhaps she’s still bitter that we’re space pirates, meaning she won’t get to write in a sexy kraken, and she’s taking it out on us by leaving us stranded on this crummy planet.”
“I don’t believe in god,” says Jensen. “But if they existed, that sounds like exactly the kind of thing they would do.”
Jared nods solemnly. “We’ve been stuck on this crummy planet our whole lives. Try that.”
“Wait, what?” asks the Silver Fox Chad arrived with. “You are the Heart and the Hands of our people!”
“Yeah, sorry about this in advance, Timmy,” Jensen says, picking up a large piece of wood conveniently left by his feet and knocking the guy out.
“He doesn’t like to be called that,” Chad informs them, before his squint somehow becomes more pronounced. Jeff is almost worried for the guy. His eyes look like they’re just a few centimeters away from poofing out of existence entirely. “Ah. Hey. How come you got to hit him and when I did it he was so fast?”
“I’m a capable action hero,” Jensen explains. “You’re the comic relief.”
Chad makes a face like he’s considering this, then frowns, as if he hadn’t already known. Poor bastard, maybe he didn’t.
Jared sighs, looking almost as vapid as Chad. “Isn’t Jensen super dreamy?”
“No!” Jeff says, then, “Well, yes, but-that’s not the point! Why did he just knock out-the other hot bearded guy? Is this a habit with him?”
As a hot bearded guy himself, Jeff takes a few steps away from Jensen. And to think he’d put his dick in there. Not that he wouldn’t again. Just…no, dammit, the plot! There’s no time for getting distracted!
“Timothy is a good and honest man-” Jared begins. On some planet, that may be a good excuse for knocking a guy out cold. If this is that planet, Jeff is just glad he has a lifetime of piracy under his belt.
“But he is loyal to the community,” Jensen finishes.
Their talking in turn thing is starting to have more of a serial killer edge than the endearing party trick it had appeared when Jeff first crash landed.
Well, he’s been in danger of being killed by uglier creatures, so that’s something. He waves for them to continue.
“If you want to get off this rock-”
“-men like him simply cannot be included in the plans.”
Jeff blinks a few times. “You want to help us get off this planet?”
Jared and Jensen share another one of those looks, and then they sigh at once. Jeff gets the uncomfortable feeling that he’s the Chad in this situation.
“Why do you think I was sucking your dick?” Jensen asks.
“Yeah,” Jared says, pointing to Jensen’s mouth. “You think I share that with just anyone?”
Jeff looks again at the man’s lips and his dick sags sadly between his legs. Would now be a bad time to ask about getting back to that?
Apparently it is, because Jensen continues, “You’re the best chance we’ve had to get the hell out of Dodge since-ever!”
“Wait a minute,” Chad interrupts. “You mean…this planet is literally called ‘Dodge’?”
“That bad,” Jared and Jensen reply in unison.
“But this is your home,” says Jeffrey, the King of Dodge. “You can’t mean to leave it to whatever threat is lingering and abandon it to whatever evil plan Misha is cooking up?”
“Misha’s not a bad guy, really,” Jared tells him. “Just a little megalomaniacal. He’s good at the administrative stuff. I think things would run just fine if he was in charge, but he’s so dramatic, he has to make his takeover, like, a whole thing. And the people on this planet are, well, um…how do I say this?”
“Only Misha would want to rule over people this dim!” Jensen shouts, as if he’s been trying to keep it in for years. “The threat you’re here to save us from is a fucking poppy field.”
Jeff blinks a few times. “Huh?”
“The poppies, you see, we’re allergic to them. Everyone from this planet is. They’re slowly encroaching on our farmland. In, like, 500 years they’ll have taken over so much we won’t be able to feed ourselves.” Jared shrugs. “But all you have to do to be our wonderful magical savior is go in there and pluck a few plants.”
“I wouldn’t even call it a field. It’s more of a large patch. The plants themselves are not even big, honestly,” Jensen says. “It would probably take an hour if you and the others you arrived with were all working at it.”
“That’s…it?” Jeff demands. “That’s the giant daunting task that is going to be announced at the feast? I…could actually do that.”
“Why do you think Misha has been so afraid of you?” Jensen asks. “Any idiot could do it, and then everyone on the planet will be so impressed with you that you’ll be crowned King of Dodge forever. The book just says it was going to be a guy with a beard whose ship crashed.”
“Or, you know, ‘whose vessel falls divinely from the heavens,’” Jared says, speaking in air quotes. “Hell, he could probably be the Prophesied One-”
Jared points to Chad, and Jensen interrupts, “If he can grow a beard.”
“As a matter of fact,” Chad says, puffing up his chest like one of those birds trying to do a mating dance. You know the ones. “I grow magnificent facial hair!”
Jared and Jensen look to Jeff for confirmation, and he discreetly shakes his head. What Chad grows resembles a high school freshman’s first face pubes, but he’s never had the heart to say as much. Why break the little fella’s spirit? Someone already stole his balls.
“Chicks dig the Chadster,” Chad continues, pointing to his puffed up chest. Jeff imagines his thumb poking too roughly and all the air being let out and has to cover his mouth to keep the laugh in.
“Uh, not to seem insensitive,” Jared hedges.
“But you don’t have balls,” Jensen finishes.
Jeff is starting to sense that Jared and Jensen may have more different personalities than they appear to on first glance. Jensen, Jeff feels safe concluding, is the blunt one, while Jared is the, you know…blunt one.
“Yeah, I know!” Chad says, his arms drooping. “And you all could be a little more considerate about waving those things around.”
Jeff, Jared, and Jensen all look down and realize their dicks are still hanging out. Mostly soft now, thanks to all the interruptions. What a bummer. He tucks himself away and manfully resists the urge to cry as the Js do the same.
“I was working on saving the ladies of the universe from my tragic lack of balls, but then everything went wrong!”
“Oh no,” Jeff says. “Not this again.”
“See, before we crash landed on your planet, we were on an incredibly important journey.”
Jared and Jensen should really know better by now, but apparently they do not. They look to each other excitedly, then nod to Chad to go on.
“We were searching the galaxy for that treasure which was stolen from us!”
Jeff tries to sink into the floor. Unfortunately, it’s not that kind of planet.
“This is just what we’ve dreamed of,” Jared says, his eyes practically reshaping themselves into stars.
Jeff had kind of hoped Jensen, as the smart one, would slap some sense into his bigger half, but no such luck. Maybe there isn’t a smart one? Jeff wishes he could make up his mind about this. Sometimes he feels pulled in so many directions, it’s like there’s twelve people deciding what he’s thinking at any given time. And they’re all drunk.
“Yes, Jared and I have spoken of rebuilding the Shrine and flying out into the sky, but some of the parts are well and truly toasted.” He smiles at Jeff. “We’ve created a catalogue of what is in good shape and what isn’t and will be glad to share it with your redheads so that they can assess if we can get your vessel back in shape-”
“-but only if you agree to take us with you.”
Jeff is down one blow-job and two of the better asses he’s seen in his travels (And he’s seen some asses. Assloads of them.) if he leaves them here, so he nods easily. “Of course we’ll take you with us, but we have to find a way to get off this damned planet first!”
“Ah, that will be simple,” Jared says. “While everyone in town is at the feast, Felicia-that was her name, was it not?”
Jeff nods.
“Felicia can take the parts we salvaged and hid behind the LubeGummiDiapernator3000™ and restore the ship.” Jared grins. “Why, you’ll be expected to go clear the poppy field immediately after, since the idiots on this planet genuinely believe getting drunk and then doing physical labor that might include operating heavy machinery is good luck. That should buy her plenty of time!”
“But won’t Misha notice she’s gone?” Jeff asks.
“Nah,” Jensen replies, waving his hand dismissively. “Just tell them Alaina was the only female companion you had in tow and it only appeared otherwise because she has mysterious redhead powers that allow her to be in two places at once.”
Jeff scratches his beard. This plan in no way seems legit. “They’ll…buy that?”
“Oh, sure,” Jared says. “You think Chad is the only Chad in the galaxy? Imagine a whole planet of them!”
“Hey!” Chad says, but it’s clear he doesn’t understand the insult well enough to follow up on defending himself from it, so Jensen continues on as if he hadn’t spoken.
“They once arrested Danneel for breaking into Old Man Beaver’s hut and stealing all his cream-”
“And let me guess,” Chad says, clearly very proud of his intelligence in deducting how this story ends. “Turns out it was this crazy Ruthie broad instead.”
Jared sighs and looks down at the floor, and Jensen pats him on the back. “Worse,” Jensen says. “It was his cat Ginger.”
“We’re surrounded by idiots,” Jared concludes with a sniff.
Jensen shushes him lovingly. “It’s okay, my Jared, don’t cry. Soon we’ll be out of here and someone will appreciate your enthusiasm for applied engineering.”
He looks up to Jeff like he’s worried no such person in the universe exists, and Jeff is happy to give him a solid nod of encouragement. Felicia is just the nerd Jared is apparently looking for.
“Right, right, sure, and then we can get back to the quest,” Chad says. “We can’t forget the quest!”
“Dammit, Chad,” Jeff says. “Would you shut up about that idiotic quest? That’s how we ended up stranded here in the first place!”
“Excuse you,” Chad replies. “We would have known about the asteroid field if you’d thought to ask the oracle. After, you know, we flew three weeks to find her on that weirdo ass moon she lived on. But, no, you got distracted! Like you always do!”
“That Genevieve was a hell of a woman,” Jeff says. He looks back on his youth and gives a wistful sigh. Yes, last Thursday had been a better time. “She was very distracting. That hair! Those eyes. And all those blessed tentacles.”
Jared looks deeply engrossed. “Please, continue.”
Jensen growls under his breath, and Jared looks up and around, then bows his head subserviently. “I’m sorry, alpha.”
“Let’s get one rule very clear. If we’re going to be on your spaceship traveling with you from now on. No one touches Jared except for me. I don’t care how many tentacles they have!”
“You should see what he did to Amell,” Jared confirms, nearly cowering.
Jeff pouts. “But we were just about to-”
Jensen’s ears go a pretty color of pink and the scary look fades from his face. “Well, you know, I mean. It’s different if I’m in on it, too.”
Jeff lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, his relief palpable. Man, that was close. He was really scared for a few moments there.
“The quest!” Chad yells again. “We must stay on task.”
“What is this quest he’s so invested in anyway?” Jensen asks. “Though I almost fear to know.”
“It’s stupid,” Jeff tells him. “We’re gonna ignore it.”
“But you promised,” Chad says, his blue eyes filling with tears. “You promised after you forgot my birthday!”
“I’m a very busy man,” Jeff replies, resolute not to let his guilt get the best of him. Again.
“Three years in a row!” Chad reminds him.
And, okay, the guy’s an idiot, but Jeff does feel kind of bad about that one.
“Chad, if we manage to get off this planet, we can all weigh the potential benefits of pursuing the, er, treasure against the fact that it made us lose all of our plunder and got us stranded on a planet only a lunatic would want to live on, and then we can all vote on whether or not to continue with the mission or try something more…lucrative.”
“Come on!” Jared interrupts. “What kind of pirate are you?”
“Yeah,” Jensen agrees. “You don’t want to go after lost treasure?”
They’re both glowing with the promise of unnamable riches, and Jeff has to fight the urge to plant his face squarely in his palm. Ah, to be as ignorant of the true stupidities contained within Chad as they are.
“Right?” Chad smiles, not used to having support. And from two people at the same time. “And this-you guys. This is the greatest treasure of all time. The most important objects ever to exist. When we accomplish this task, we will have everything a man could ever want!”
“Well,” Jensen says, practically vibrating. “What is it?”
“Yes, please tell us!” Jared nods with the energy of a thousand Dreundian fire pixies. “What could it be?”
“We’re going after the impossible dream, my friends,” Chad tells them. “We’re going to find my balls!”
Tossing these balls to fiercelynormal.
Author: Cherie_morte
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Who is even keeping track of this, honestly?
Word Count: 2,420
Summary: The part where, contrary to all laws of god and man, Chad is the one to keep things on task.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Some Time Later
The longer Jeff stared at Chad, the more he began to question whether there was anything at all going on behind that vacant façade.
“My liege,” one of the Doublemints says, breaking Jeff’s concentration. “Is there a reason you have been glaring so intently at your slave for three days?”
Jeff coughs awkwardly. Has it already been three days? “The author must have gotten distracted by gay burritos,” he muses aloud. “Or perhaps she’s still bitter that we’re space pirates, meaning she won’t get to write in a sexy kraken, and she’s taking it out on us by leaving us stranded on this crummy planet.”
“I don’t believe in god,” says Jensen. “But if they existed, that sounds like exactly the kind of thing they would do.”
Jared nods solemnly. “We’ve been stuck on this crummy planet our whole lives. Try that.”
“Wait, what?” asks the Silver Fox Chad arrived with. “You are the Heart and the Hands of our people!”
“Yeah, sorry about this in advance, Timmy,” Jensen says, picking up a large piece of wood conveniently left by his feet and knocking the guy out.
“He doesn’t like to be called that,” Chad informs them, before his squint somehow becomes more pronounced. Jeff is almost worried for the guy. His eyes look like they’re just a few centimeters away from poofing out of existence entirely. “Ah. Hey. How come you got to hit him and when I did it he was so fast?”
“I’m a capable action hero,” Jensen explains. “You’re the comic relief.”
Chad makes a face like he’s considering this, then frowns, as if he hadn’t already known. Poor bastard, maybe he didn’t.
Jared sighs, looking almost as vapid as Chad. “Isn’t Jensen super dreamy?”
“No!” Jeff says, then, “Well, yes, but-that’s not the point! Why did he just knock out-the other hot bearded guy? Is this a habit with him?”
As a hot bearded guy himself, Jeff takes a few steps away from Jensen. And to think he’d put his dick in there. Not that he wouldn’t again. Just…no, dammit, the plot! There’s no time for getting distracted!
“Timothy is a good and honest man-” Jared begins. On some planet, that may be a good excuse for knocking a guy out cold. If this is that planet, Jeff is just glad he has a lifetime of piracy under his belt.
“But he is loyal to the community,” Jensen finishes.
Their talking in turn thing is starting to have more of a serial killer edge than the endearing party trick it had appeared when Jeff first crash landed.
Well, he’s been in danger of being killed by uglier creatures, so that’s something. He waves for them to continue.
“If you want to get off this rock-”
“-men like him simply cannot be included in the plans.”
Jeff blinks a few times. “You want to help us get off this planet?”
Jared and Jensen share another one of those looks, and then they sigh at once. Jeff gets the uncomfortable feeling that he’s the Chad in this situation.
“Why do you think I was sucking your dick?” Jensen asks.
“Yeah,” Jared says, pointing to Jensen’s mouth. “You think I share that with just anyone?”
Jeff looks again at the man’s lips and his dick sags sadly between his legs. Would now be a bad time to ask about getting back to that?
Apparently it is, because Jensen continues, “You’re the best chance we’ve had to get the hell out of Dodge since-ever!”
“Wait a minute,” Chad interrupts. “You mean…this planet is literally called ‘Dodge’?”
“That bad,” Jared and Jensen reply in unison.
“But this is your home,” says Jeffrey, the King of Dodge. “You can’t mean to leave it to whatever threat is lingering and abandon it to whatever evil plan Misha is cooking up?”
“Misha’s not a bad guy, really,” Jared tells him. “Just a little megalomaniacal. He’s good at the administrative stuff. I think things would run just fine if he was in charge, but he’s so dramatic, he has to make his takeover, like, a whole thing. And the people on this planet are, well, um…how do I say this?”
“Only Misha would want to rule over people this dim!” Jensen shouts, as if he’s been trying to keep it in for years. “The threat you’re here to save us from is a fucking poppy field.”
Jeff blinks a few times. “Huh?”
“The poppies, you see, we’re allergic to them. Everyone from this planet is. They’re slowly encroaching on our farmland. In, like, 500 years they’ll have taken over so much we won’t be able to feed ourselves.” Jared shrugs. “But all you have to do to be our wonderful magical savior is go in there and pluck a few plants.”
“I wouldn’t even call it a field. It’s more of a large patch. The plants themselves are not even big, honestly,” Jensen says. “It would probably take an hour if you and the others you arrived with were all working at it.”
“That’s…it?” Jeff demands. “That’s the giant daunting task that is going to be announced at the feast? I…could actually do that.”
“Why do you think Misha has been so afraid of you?” Jensen asks. “Any idiot could do it, and then everyone on the planet will be so impressed with you that you’ll be crowned King of Dodge forever. The book just says it was going to be a guy with a beard whose ship crashed.”
“Or, you know, ‘whose vessel falls divinely from the heavens,’” Jared says, speaking in air quotes. “Hell, he could probably be the Prophesied One-”
Jared points to Chad, and Jensen interrupts, “If he can grow a beard.”
“As a matter of fact,” Chad says, puffing up his chest like one of those birds trying to do a mating dance. You know the ones. “I grow magnificent facial hair!”
Jared and Jensen look to Jeff for confirmation, and he discreetly shakes his head. What Chad grows resembles a high school freshman’s first face pubes, but he’s never had the heart to say as much. Why break the little fella’s spirit? Someone already stole his balls.
“Chicks dig the Chadster,” Chad continues, pointing to his puffed up chest. Jeff imagines his thumb poking too roughly and all the air being let out and has to cover his mouth to keep the laugh in.
“Uh, not to seem insensitive,” Jared hedges.
“But you don’t have balls,” Jensen finishes.
Jeff is starting to sense that Jared and Jensen may have more different personalities than they appear to on first glance. Jensen, Jeff feels safe concluding, is the blunt one, while Jared is the, you know…blunt one.
“Yeah, I know!” Chad says, his arms drooping. “And you all could be a little more considerate about waving those things around.”
Jeff, Jared, and Jensen all look down and realize their dicks are still hanging out. Mostly soft now, thanks to all the interruptions. What a bummer. He tucks himself away and manfully resists the urge to cry as the Js do the same.
“I was working on saving the ladies of the universe from my tragic lack of balls, but then everything went wrong!”
“Oh no,” Jeff says. “Not this again.”
“See, before we crash landed on your planet, we were on an incredibly important journey.”
Jared and Jensen should really know better by now, but apparently they do not. They look to each other excitedly, then nod to Chad to go on.
“We were searching the galaxy for that treasure which was stolen from us!”
Jeff tries to sink into the floor. Unfortunately, it’s not that kind of planet.
“This is just what we’ve dreamed of,” Jared says, his eyes practically reshaping themselves into stars.
Jeff had kind of hoped Jensen, as the smart one, would slap some sense into his bigger half, but no such luck. Maybe there isn’t a smart one? Jeff wishes he could make up his mind about this. Sometimes he feels pulled in so many directions, it’s like there’s twelve people deciding what he’s thinking at any given time. And they’re all drunk.
“Yes, Jared and I have spoken of rebuilding the Shrine and flying out into the sky, but some of the parts are well and truly toasted.” He smiles at Jeff. “We’ve created a catalogue of what is in good shape and what isn’t and will be glad to share it with your redheads so that they can assess if we can get your vessel back in shape-”
“-but only if you agree to take us with you.”
Jeff is down one blow-job and two of the better asses he’s seen in his travels (And he’s seen some asses. Assloads of them.) if he leaves them here, so he nods easily. “Of course we’ll take you with us, but we have to find a way to get off this damned planet first!”
“Ah, that will be simple,” Jared says. “While everyone in town is at the feast, Felicia-that was her name, was it not?”
Jeff nods.
“Felicia can take the parts we salvaged and hid behind the LubeGummiDiapernator3000™ and restore the ship.” Jared grins. “Why, you’ll be expected to go clear the poppy field immediately after, since the idiots on this planet genuinely believe getting drunk and then doing physical labor that might include operating heavy machinery is good luck. That should buy her plenty of time!”
“But won’t Misha notice she’s gone?” Jeff asks.
“Nah,” Jensen replies, waving his hand dismissively. “Just tell them Alaina was the only female companion you had in tow and it only appeared otherwise because she has mysterious redhead powers that allow her to be in two places at once.”
Jeff scratches his beard. This plan in no way seems legit. “They’ll…buy that?”
“Oh, sure,” Jared says. “You think Chad is the only Chad in the galaxy? Imagine a whole planet of them!”
“Hey!” Chad says, but it’s clear he doesn’t understand the insult well enough to follow up on defending himself from it, so Jensen continues on as if he hadn’t spoken.
“They once arrested Danneel for breaking into Old Man Beaver’s hut and stealing all his cream-”
“And let me guess,” Chad says, clearly very proud of his intelligence in deducting how this story ends. “Turns out it was this crazy Ruthie broad instead.”
Jared sighs and looks down at the floor, and Jensen pats him on the back. “Worse,” Jensen says. “It was his cat Ginger.”
“We’re surrounded by idiots,” Jared concludes with a sniff.
Jensen shushes him lovingly. “It’s okay, my Jared, don’t cry. Soon we’ll be out of here and someone will appreciate your enthusiasm for applied engineering.”
He looks up to Jeff like he’s worried no such person in the universe exists, and Jeff is happy to give him a solid nod of encouragement. Felicia is just the nerd Jared is apparently looking for.
“Right, right, sure, and then we can get back to the quest,” Chad says. “We can’t forget the quest!”
“Dammit, Chad,” Jeff says. “Would you shut up about that idiotic quest? That’s how we ended up stranded here in the first place!”
“Excuse you,” Chad replies. “We would have known about the asteroid field if you’d thought to ask the oracle. After, you know, we flew three weeks to find her on that weirdo ass moon she lived on. But, no, you got distracted! Like you always do!”
“That Genevieve was a hell of a woman,” Jeff says. He looks back on his youth and gives a wistful sigh. Yes, last Thursday had been a better time. “She was very distracting. That hair! Those eyes. And all those blessed tentacles.”
Jared looks deeply engrossed. “Please, continue.”
Jensen growls under his breath, and Jared looks up and around, then bows his head subserviently. “I’m sorry, alpha.”
“Let’s get one rule very clear. If we’re going to be on your spaceship traveling with you from now on. No one touches Jared except for me. I don’t care how many tentacles they have!”
“You should see what he did to Amell,” Jared confirms, nearly cowering.
Jeff pouts. “But we were just about to-”
Jensen’s ears go a pretty color of pink and the scary look fades from his face. “Well, you know, I mean. It’s different if I’m in on it, too.”
Jeff lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, his relief palpable. Man, that was close. He was really scared for a few moments there.
“The quest!” Chad yells again. “We must stay on task.”
“What is this quest he’s so invested in anyway?” Jensen asks. “Though I almost fear to know.”
“It’s stupid,” Jeff tells him. “We’re gonna ignore it.”
“But you promised,” Chad says, his blue eyes filling with tears. “You promised after you forgot my birthday!”
“I’m a very busy man,” Jeff replies, resolute not to let his guilt get the best of him. Again.
“Three years in a row!” Chad reminds him.
And, okay, the guy’s an idiot, but Jeff does feel kind of bad about that one.
“Chad, if we manage to get off this planet, we can all weigh the potential benefits of pursuing the, er, treasure against the fact that it made us lose all of our plunder and got us stranded on a planet only a lunatic would want to live on, and then we can all vote on whether or not to continue with the mission or try something more…lucrative.”
“Come on!” Jared interrupts. “What kind of pirate are you?”
“Yeah,” Jensen agrees. “You don’t want to go after lost treasure?”
They’re both glowing with the promise of unnamable riches, and Jeff has to fight the urge to plant his face squarely in his palm. Ah, to be as ignorant of the true stupidities contained within Chad as they are.
“Right?” Chad smiles, not used to having support. And from two people at the same time. “And this-you guys. This is the greatest treasure of all time. The most important objects ever to exist. When we accomplish this task, we will have everything a man could ever want!”
“Well,” Jensen says, practically vibrating. “What is it?”
“Yes, please tell us!” Jared nods with the energy of a thousand Dreundian fire pixies. “What could it be?”
“We’re going after the impossible dream, my friends,” Chad tells them. “We’re going to find my balls!”
Tossing these balls to fiercelynormal.