Epilogue: Chad, Probably: A Memoir
Title: Chad, Probably: A Memoir
Author: tebtosca
Rating: M for Mayhem
Pairings: #anal
Word Count: Chad POV transcends math
Summary: Chad and Miss Ginger the cat wrap this clusterfuck up
“I know what you’re thinking.”
Chad squints into the really awesome holographic futuristic camera-like thing in front of him.
“You have no fucking clue what is happening. You and me both, sister.”
Chad sighs deeply and sinks back into the recliner he’s lounging in.
“The shenanigans started after Jensen gave birth to what can only be described as a Tentacular Spectacular, if you get my drift. Jared took one look at it and was like “ah, but it has pretty hair like Genevieve the tentacle monster” and Jensen was like “who the fuck is Genevieve the tentacle monster?” and Danneel was like “oh baby, let me tell you about Genevieve the tentacle monster” and then they started slapping at each other and shit and, not even gonna lie, that shit was kinda hot. Like, we’re used to Jeff getting a boner over the Wonder Twins but add in a gratuitous ginger and even my dick was like --ZOINKS!”
Chad stops to smack himself in the head.
“Of course they made up quickly via the usual method - lots of anal. Which was fine and everything, until the really freaky shit started and Tentacular Spectacular started talking and demanding everyone in the crew call him ‘the Overlord’ and, trust me, folks, you have not lived until you have seen a newborn tentacle monster with fabulous hair make a ship full of space pirates bow to it. I thought Jeff was going to piss himself. Again. Hi-lar-ious.”
Chad laughs so hard he starts wheezing, but sobers up when he sees the awesome holographic futuristic camera-like thing blinking at him impatiently.
“Anyway, we all kind of wanted the Overlord and his terrified parentals off the ship as fast as possible, so we dropped them off on the third moon of Communia. Danneel went with them as nanny or ginger consort or whatever, and I hear they bought a little boathouse and are totes living the dream, so seriously, dudes, don’t stress about those bitches until the next round.”
Chad winks.
The awesome holographic futuristic camera-like thing shudders.
“So there we were, thinking that everything was hunky dory and what not. We got rid of the ridiculously good looking troublemakers, the megalomaniacal assbaby, and the chick who put us over our ship’s approved ginger ratio . We then figured out that Alaina was suffering from previously unknown side-effects of the demon flowers being in the vicinity, which explained her agreeing to the marriage with the Cap, which was too weird even by the standards of this clusterfuck, amirite, and then she proceeded to start banging that Tim dude with the hair and the gravitas, which is much more up the alley of a classy chick like that - don’t tell her I called her that - and all was well.”
Chad’s eyes opened wide, going from squint to half-squint effortlessly.
The awesome holographic futuristic camera-like thing held its breath.
“That’s what we all thought, but of course the minute we headed into the dark barren wilds of the Livejournal Galaxy, things started to get странный. I had just figured out how to take a nap with my eyelids open, when the ship was attacked by another space pirate by the name of Amell. We had tangled with the douchenozzle a while back, over in the Salmon Ladder Galaxy near the parched desert planet of Thirstistan, but thought he had gone underground. Turns out he’d been laying low but had managed to cut a deal with the Slug Lord Kosterman to get him the coordinates to find- you guessed it, god you bitches are smart-The Hair and the Mouth. Amell snuck onto the planet without any of us knowing he was there because we’ve been stuck doing other shit for ten chapters. Instead, he made a deal with what turned out to be a third personality of Misha’s named ‘William Shatner’ to put a GPS tracking chip on Tweedlefuck and Tweedlesuck. Long story short, he got lost because he’s a loser, ended up on our ship and in a confrontation with Jeff before Alaina and Felicia double-teamed him - not like that, you kinky fucks - before Tim suggested they joust or some shit while he sang and they did and it was actually super hot so then the Captain accidentally hit the ‘Don’t Touch Me Or I’ll Explode, Morons’ button with his boner and the ship blew up and everyone died except me and the cat. Dramatic, right?”
The awesome holographic futuristic camera-like thing blinks.
Chad chuckles as Miss Ginger crawls over the side of the recliner and curls her tail around Chad’s arm.
“Now, I know what you are really thinking - why did it take eleven whole chapters for them to give you this many monologues, Chadwick? Well, I think we know the answer to that one.”
The awesome holographic futuristic camera-like thing has the good grace to blush.
“The important thing was that someone had to tell our story. The story of how we fought, how we loved, how we almost destroyed several planets because none of the writers could keep the plot straight. “
Chad leans forward, smiling seductively.
“The story of how Chad Michael Murray got his balls back -- ”
The awesome holographic futuristic camera-like thing chooses that exact moment to shut itself off.
Chad sighs. Miss Ginger purrs.
“Well, maybe next time. Probably.”
The End
Author: tebtosca
Rating: M for Mayhem
Pairings: #anal
Word Count: Chad POV transcends math
Summary: Chad and Miss Ginger the cat wrap this clusterfuck up
“I know what you’re thinking.”
Chad squints into the really awesome holographic futuristic camera-like thing in front of him.
“You have no fucking clue what is happening. You and me both, sister.”
Chad sighs deeply and sinks back into the recliner he’s lounging in.
“The shenanigans started after Jensen gave birth to what can only be described as a Tentacular Spectacular, if you get my drift. Jared took one look at it and was like “ah, but it has pretty hair like Genevieve the tentacle monster” and Jensen was like “who the fuck is Genevieve the tentacle monster?” and Danneel was like “oh baby, let me tell you about Genevieve the tentacle monster” and then they started slapping at each other and shit and, not even gonna lie, that shit was kinda hot. Like, we’re used to Jeff getting a boner over the Wonder Twins but add in a gratuitous ginger and even my dick was like --ZOINKS!”
Chad stops to smack himself in the head.
“Of course they made up quickly via the usual method - lots of anal. Which was fine and everything, until the really freaky shit started and Tentacular Spectacular started talking and demanding everyone in the crew call him ‘the Overlord’ and, trust me, folks, you have not lived until you have seen a newborn tentacle monster with fabulous hair make a ship full of space pirates bow to it. I thought Jeff was going to piss himself. Again. Hi-lar-ious.”
Chad laughs so hard he starts wheezing, but sobers up when he sees the awesome holographic futuristic camera-like thing blinking at him impatiently.
“Anyway, we all kind of wanted the Overlord and his terrified parentals off the ship as fast as possible, so we dropped them off on the third moon of Communia. Danneel went with them as nanny or ginger consort or whatever, and I hear they bought a little boathouse and are totes living the dream, so seriously, dudes, don’t stress about those bitches until the next round.”
Chad winks.
The awesome holographic futuristic camera-like thing shudders.
“So there we were, thinking that everything was hunky dory and what not. We got rid of the ridiculously good looking troublemakers, the megalomaniacal assbaby, and the chick who put us over our ship’s approved ginger ratio . We then figured out that Alaina was suffering from previously unknown side-effects of the demon flowers being in the vicinity, which explained her agreeing to the marriage with the Cap, which was too weird even by the standards of this clusterfuck, amirite, and then she proceeded to start banging that Tim dude with the hair and the gravitas, which is much more up the alley of a classy chick like that - don’t tell her I called her that - and all was well.”
Chad’s eyes opened wide, going from squint to half-squint effortlessly.
The awesome holographic futuristic camera-like thing held its breath.
“That’s what we all thought, but of course the minute we headed into the dark barren wilds of the Livejournal Galaxy, things started to get странный. I had just figured out how to take a nap with my eyelids open, when the ship was attacked by another space pirate by the name of Amell. We had tangled with the douchenozzle a while back, over in the Salmon Ladder Galaxy near the parched desert planet of Thirstistan, but thought he had gone underground. Turns out he’d been laying low but had managed to cut a deal with the Slug Lord Kosterman to get him the coordinates to find- you guessed it, god you bitches are smart-The Hair and the Mouth. Amell snuck onto the planet without any of us knowing he was there because we’ve been stuck doing other shit for ten chapters. Instead, he made a deal with what turned out to be a third personality of Misha’s named ‘William Shatner’ to put a GPS tracking chip on Tweedlefuck and Tweedlesuck. Long story short, he got lost because he’s a loser, ended up on our ship and in a confrontation with Jeff before Alaina and Felicia double-teamed him - not like that, you kinky fucks - before Tim suggested they joust or some shit while he sang and they did and it was actually super hot so then the Captain accidentally hit the ‘Don’t Touch Me Or I’ll Explode, Morons’ button with his boner and the ship blew up and everyone died except me and the cat. Dramatic, right?”
The awesome holographic futuristic camera-like thing blinks.
Chad chuckles as Miss Ginger crawls over the side of the recliner and curls her tail around Chad’s arm.
“Now, I know what you are really thinking - why did it take eleven whole chapters for them to give you this many monologues, Chadwick? Well, I think we know the answer to that one.”
The awesome holographic futuristic camera-like thing has the good grace to blush.
“The important thing was that someone had to tell our story. The story of how we fought, how we loved, how we almost destroyed several planets because none of the writers could keep the plot straight. “
Chad leans forward, smiling seductively.
“The story of how Chad Michael Murray got his balls back -- ”
The awesome holographic futuristic camera-like thing chooses that exact moment to shut itself off.
Chad sighs. Miss Ginger purrs.
“Well, maybe next time. Probably.”
The End