Dean loves Pie.
WARNING. DEAN HAS SEX WITH PIE. IT HAPPENS. THIS IS ALSO CRACK.
Written for a challenge over at The Fandom Zoo.
Dean loved pie. Probably a very unhealthy amount. More than a man should ever love a food. He loved pie more than he loved burgers, and beer. He loved pie almost, if not just as much, as he loved the Impala, and Sam.
He really, really loved pie.
When Dean was twenty one, he saw a certain movie, in which the main character had sex with an apple pie. At the time, Dean had found it hilariously embarrassing for the character, especially when said character’s father walked in on him.
Well, he wasn’t laughing now that he was in a similar situation.
“Dean what the fuck are you doing!?” Sam shouted, covering his eyes to block out the horror that was in front of him.
“Oh god.” Dean said, scrambling to cover his bits and his pie lover with a sheet. “You weren't supposed to come home so soon!”
“A-Are you pulling an American Pie?!” Sam gasped, still covering his eyes.
“No! Well, maybe...but blueberry pie was half off at the supermarket and I’ve never tried it with blueberry...” Dean said
“You’ve done this more than once?!” Sam said incredulously.
“Well yes. I love pie, Sam.” Dean stated simply, like there was nothing wrong. “I’ve done it with almost every kind of pie there is. I don’t know why I put off blueberry for so long. I suppose its because I didn't want a purple dick.” he said. “But I’ve got to say, its quite the experience. You should try it. I bought two. I was going to eat the other one, but you can have a go.”
Sam made an inhuman noise.
“I’m not going to have sex with a pie!” Sam said, his voice getting higher.
“Well you should have sex with something. I know you havent gotten any in a while, man.” Dean said. “The pie feels so goooood Sam. Cmon, Try it.” Dean said.
“No. I’m leaving.” Sam said “I’m- going to a bar to try and drink away what I just saw.” Sam grunted and grabbed the keys from the table.
“I am never buying you pie again. You are getting only cake from now on.” Sam said sternly.
“Cake? Well I guess that would feel different....” Dean mumbled.
“ICE CREAM CAKE” Sam shouted “DEAN JUST STOP PUTTING YOUR DICK IN DESSERT FOODS.” He said and slammed the door behind him.
Later, when Sam came back from drinking a truly impressive amount of alcohol at the bar (Really, Sam is surprised he hasn’t passed out drunk by now), he finds Dean dressed and sitting on the bed watching TV, no sign of a pie anywhere.
Maybe Sam had imagined the entire thing.
“Sam we need to talk.” Dean said once Sam shut the door behind him. “Listen. I just want you to know, I’m sorry you saw what you did earlier.” He said
So Sam hadn’t imagined his brother having sex with a pie. Awesome.
“I just, I want you to know that this isnt some phase, or some act of rebellion.” Dean said, wringing his hands together nervously. “I’ve been feeling this way for a while now, and I think its time I came out. Sam I’m....well, I’m Piesexual.” Dean said.
“Dean this isn’t funny, I’m scarred for life.” Sam said.
“I’m not trying to be funny, Sam. I’m piesexual. I love pie. I love to love pie. I love the way it tastes, I love the way it feels, I just...love pie. If I could marry pie, I would.” Dean said
“Dean please stop. I’m going to bed. I don’t give a shit what you do with pie as long as its not when I’m around, and you never, ever talk to me about it again.” Sam said.
“Fine.” Dean said. “Goodnight Sam.”
“Goodnight Dean.”
And they never, ever discussed Dean’s Piesexuality again.
The End
Written for a challenge over at The Fandom Zoo.
Dean loved pie. Probably a very unhealthy amount. More than a man should ever love a food. He loved pie more than he loved burgers, and beer. He loved pie almost, if not just as much, as he loved the Impala, and Sam.
He really, really loved pie.
When Dean was twenty one, he saw a certain movie, in which the main character had sex with an apple pie. At the time, Dean had found it hilariously embarrassing for the character, especially when said character’s father walked in on him.
Well, he wasn’t laughing now that he was in a similar situation.
“Dean what the fuck are you doing!?” Sam shouted, covering his eyes to block out the horror that was in front of him.
“Oh god.” Dean said, scrambling to cover his bits and his pie lover with a sheet. “You weren't supposed to come home so soon!”
“A-Are you pulling an American Pie?!” Sam gasped, still covering his eyes.
“No! Well, maybe...but blueberry pie was half off at the supermarket and I’ve never tried it with blueberry...” Dean said
“You’ve done this more than once?!” Sam said incredulously.
“Well yes. I love pie, Sam.” Dean stated simply, like there was nothing wrong. “I’ve done it with almost every kind of pie there is. I don’t know why I put off blueberry for so long. I suppose its because I didn't want a purple dick.” he said. “But I’ve got to say, its quite the experience. You should try it. I bought two. I was going to eat the other one, but you can have a go.”
Sam made an inhuman noise.
“I’m not going to have sex with a pie!” Sam said, his voice getting higher.
“Well you should have sex with something. I know you havent gotten any in a while, man.” Dean said. “The pie feels so goooood Sam. Cmon, Try it.” Dean said.
“No. I’m leaving.” Sam said “I’m- going to a bar to try and drink away what I just saw.” Sam grunted and grabbed the keys from the table.
“I am never buying you pie again. You are getting only cake from now on.” Sam said sternly.
“Cake? Well I guess that would feel different....” Dean mumbled.
“ICE CREAM CAKE” Sam shouted “DEAN JUST STOP PUTTING YOUR DICK IN DESSERT FOODS.” He said and slammed the door behind him.
Later, when Sam came back from drinking a truly impressive amount of alcohol at the bar (Really, Sam is surprised he hasn’t passed out drunk by now), he finds Dean dressed and sitting on the bed watching TV, no sign of a pie anywhere.
Maybe Sam had imagined the entire thing.
“Sam we need to talk.” Dean said once Sam shut the door behind him. “Listen. I just want you to know, I’m sorry you saw what you did earlier.” He said
So Sam hadn’t imagined his brother having sex with a pie. Awesome.
“I just, I want you to know that this isnt some phase, or some act of rebellion.” Dean said, wringing his hands together nervously. “I’ve been feeling this way for a while now, and I think its time I came out. Sam I’m....well, I’m Piesexual.” Dean said.
“Dean this isn’t funny, I’m scarred for life.” Sam said.
“I’m not trying to be funny, Sam. I’m piesexual. I love pie. I love to love pie. I love the way it tastes, I love the way it feels, I just...love pie. If I could marry pie, I would.” Dean said
“Dean please stop. I’m going to bed. I don’t give a shit what you do with pie as long as its not when I’m around, and you never, ever talk to me about it again.” Sam said.
“Fine.” Dean said. “Goodnight Sam.”
“Goodnight Dean.”
And they never, ever discussed Dean’s Piesexuality again.
The End