Touched by Death Chapter 15
Officer Padalecki sat ramrod straight in the paisley green hospital arm chair. His hands were clasped in front of his torso, long arms tucked in close as if to avoid touching any more of the depressing room then he had to. His hazel eyes traveled up the white walls to the white ceiling. He catalogued every ceiling tile that was askew, he knew that there were 15 across longitudinally and 12 across in latitude. He spent five minutes accumulating every detail about the kitten poster which quoted cheerfully, “Hang in there.” It was really quite a depressing poster when you contemplated it. That poor baby tabby hanging ass off a tree with only their tinny front paws scarring into the bark. He spent 10 minutes contemplating it. He invested a half hour in memorizing the washing hands instructions. He’d have to remember to scrub under his nails for two minutes next time he went to the bathroom. He then spent 20 minutes scrutinizing his nail beds. He wasted as much time as he could staring at the sparingly furnished room, staring at anything other than Jensen.
His eyes betrayed him however and after 3 hours of counting tiles and grimacing at the number of fingerprints on the window, Jared’s eyes fell on his lover. The stark white and bleeding internally shell of the man he adored. Tubes twisted and twined together, attempting to assert themselves in every viable vein and orifice. There were only a couple of contraptions cataloguing his vital signs, a heart monitor reassuring Jared that his heart was still beating and an oxygen monitor that was clipped to his finger. Jared dragged his chair closer, cringing at the squeal of the wooden legs on the linoleum floor, and placed himself along-side the hospital bed. He stretched a long arm up over the white hospital blanket and intertwined his fingers with Jensen’s cold ones. A fat tear rolled down his cheek at the lack of response.
“The doctor said you’re going to be fine babe. You’ve got some internal shit but it will all heal as long as you give it a chance. I know I need to just let you sleep it off but I’m going out of my mind Jen, just sitting here watching and waiting… It’s been two weeks…I know you’d be pissed that I’m spending so much time just sitting here, god I feel stupid for it, but I can’t leave you here all alone. What if you wake up and I’m not here? Could you just give me a sign baby, that you can hear me?” Jared waited for a moment, completely still. He allowed himself to be acutely aware of everything Jensen; his breath sounds, his loose grip, his long lashes-- but nothing so much as quivered. “You’re never this still.”
All of the movies and books say that a person lying unconscious in a hospital looks like they do when they sleep, but not Jensen. Jensen was never this still. He threw his limbs across Jared’s side of the bed, he screwed up his face and muttered responses to questions in his head, he attached himself to Jared’s overheated side like a heat seeking missile, but now, now he was just still. He face smoothed out and lips slightly parted, he looked young and empty. Unaware of the danger and issues swirling around him, Jared was half way between grateful for relief his partner was experiencing and distraught over how not Jensen that was. Jensen was always aware, always wanted to protect everyone and take their burdens. God knows he had taken so many of Jared’s burdens as his own.
“Jared.” The new voice startled Jared out of his musing, causing him to snap his head up, wincing at the pull of his neck from staying in that bent position for so long. Hesitantly standing in the doorway was Misha Collins. His lower lip worried between his teeth and his blue silk tie crookedly draped across his chest. “Sorry to intrude but I just wanted to… I don’t even know.”
Jared appraised the stiff coroner, tousled dark hair and lined mouth, he nodded rigidly. He waved wanly at the chair across the room and Misha walked stiltedly over to it, dropping into the padding awkwardly. He wrung his hands in his lap, blue gaze glued to Jensen’s white face. He winced with every beat of the heart monitor. “You know I don’t hate him. I’d hate for him to…” He swallowed down the subject, “I’d just hate for him to think that.”
“He knows Misha.” His shoulders ached with the weight of his hanging head, neck muscles pulled tight and shirt bunched up by the collar. They filled the silence with breath and silent questions. Misha shuffled, cheeks flushed pink at Jared’s unbashed scrutinizing. His blue eyes flickered around the planes of Jensen’s face, like he was reading a book he had memorized long ago but couldn’t put down. An old comfort shoved in a drawer. Jared twitched in realization, as Misha blinked down in regret and sorrow, suddenly seeing for the first time.
“Is it a self-preservation mechanism? Acting like you hate him instead of that you’re in love with him.” His tone was careful, almost careless, as to not cause a scene. He didn’t wish to attack his college, he imagined he was in enough pain. Something swelled in his temporal lobe, an uneasy thump a bit like jealousy, but he blinked it away. Really, he respected the man, how incredibly strong he must be to let go of the man he loves. Strong enough to stay in this same room everyday and watch fevered glances and easy smiles between his desire and another. Strong enough to never have Jensen at all.
Misha’s eyes opened wide and he swallowed convulsively trying to work words up into his gaping jaw. Jared stared at him compassionately and Misha down cast his gaze, mumbling softly, “I’d never do anything, he loves you, and you belong together. He’s so much happier with you. He was always…haunted, something was eating at him. Maybe it was guilt, or regret, I don’t know, all I know is that with you when he smiles I can see it in his eyes. It’s a smile to appease everyone watching him, it’s real joy, it’s real love. He thinks he’s better with you. And whether he is or not really makes no difference because he’s the only one who’s ever thought he wasn’t good enough. Jensen and you don’t make any sense logically, but since when has love ever been logical? Maybe that’s always been my problem.”
“Did you ever…?” The words caught against his throat, eyes downcast and meaning clear. Misha shook his head reverently. A flush of heat flooding the apples of Misha’s cheeks and draining down his throat.
“We kissed once.” Memory clouded his expression. The pounding in Jared’s temple returned, his eye twitched. “It didn’t mean anything. We were drunk, you know how Jensen can be when he’s drunk. He doesn’t even remember it.”
He did remember. Jensen had told him the story on their fourth date when they got on the topic of exes. It had been a Tuesday, it had been particularly hot and the sun unbearably bright, that’s why the dank confines of a bar had looked so inviting. A cold beer to wash away the bad taste of the worst of humanity that lingered on his tongue. Some crimes required whiskey, and this had been a whiskey day. Jensen had been drunk, falling off his barstool drunk, and Misha had been there. That was all it was. A sloppy, drunk, meeting of lips and gnashing of teeth. Jensen had grinned, smacked his shoulder with an open palm, and declared himself shitfaced. They didn’t speak of it again, and Jared was too selfish to mention it now.
A smile twitched at Jared’s lip and his fingers clenched. In that moment he wasn’t angry, he wasn’t even jealous. He felt sorry for the man across from him, because he understood how easy it was to fall for Jensen Ackles. He was brash and sarcastic, chewed with his mouth open, treated his car like it was his prom date, and had a horrible case of morning breath. He drank too much and could drive you up the wall with how stubborn he could be, especially when it came to the job. But he also loved fiercely, kissed softly, and was protective till his last breath. He was magnetic. There was no real comfort that Jared could give except to say, “I’m sorry…”
“Don’t be.” Misha replied tightly, “Just don’t tell him.”
Misha didn’t wait for a reply. He straightened up from the chair, the padding re inflating with a groan, and walked surely to the door. He left without looking back. Jared guessed he was well rehearsed with that.
Jared turned back to Jensen and his heart shuttered. The magnetic, charismatic, love of his life wrapped in gauze and help together by thread. Jared draped his torso over his lover and felt the thud of his heart beneath his fingertips, skin sleep warm. With his eyes closed, pressed close to Jensen, everything felt okay. The heart monitor shattered the allusion and Jared whimpered.
He couldn’t lose him. He finally had all of him.
Jared pressed his face into the warm expanse of Jensen’s chest. “I love you.”