Fic Quotes #6
Pairings this post: Sam/Dean, John/OFC, Jensen/Jared, John/Mary/OFC, OC pairings
Note: This post is super long and it's all from one fic. Well, one 'verse with something like four hundred chapters and over 3.5million words. Needless to say the further down you go in this post, the more spoilery the quotes are. Also, this is kidfic and there are eventual Winbrothers.
"I want my ball pit.”
“Fine.” Sam sighed. “If you’re really good we’ll get it for you.”
“What if I’m bad?”
“Then you’ll probably get it a lot sooner.” Sam grinned.
--
They went out to buy two gallons or paint and a few new brushes while Sam was sighing and shuffling his feet around the store. He didn’t have a problem with painting, but they had a whole empty house and dozens of surfaces that could support their combined weight. It seemed like a waste to be painting, but Dean was so excited, he didn’t care.
--
“You know what’s great?” Dean asked. “We can talk about sex and not worry about them over hearing us. Anal sex!”
Dean spent the next two minutes yelling every sexual term he had ever heard and a few Sam was sure he invented. He was expecting him to be in a pretty crappy mood without the kids around but he was handling it just fine, he barely even cried when John left with them.
“I can’t believe you’d rather paint when you could be doing all those things to me.”
“It’s eleven Sammy. We have six hours until they come back. We have time to do the dippety doo again.”
--
“We can talk about it.”
“That doesn’t make me feel better.”
“What if I.” Sam sighed. “What if I tie you up and spank you when we get home?”
“No.”
“Slap you around?”
“No.” Dean frowned.
“Oh God, it’s worse than I thought.”
--
How was school? Say something sexy if you’ll tell me later.”
“I’m wearing a pair of jeans and my blue shirt.” Sam laughed. “Should I unbutton it a little?”
“So it was pretty bad then?”
“I’m tugging on my belt right now. These jeans are so tight.”
“Wow.” Anthony sighed. “He’s okay though, right?”
“Yeah.” Sam nodded. “I think so.”
“Stop talking about me!” Dean yelled grabbing the phone. “You’re fired.”
--
“Cookies before dinner?”
“Sam.” Dean stood. “I gave them cookies. I am fully responsible.”
“Don’t punish him daddy.” Mikey said tugging at Sam’s jeans. “Please.”
Ethan and Evan both kept quiet while they moved a little closer to each other. Mikey always got what he wanted and Sam was going to give it to him.
“Alright Mikey. I won’t punish him.” Sam smiled. “For three weeks.”
“What!” Dean yelled. “Three weeks the baby will be here! Then I’ll never get to be punished!”
“Enjoy your cookies kids.”
Mikey was tugging on Dean’s jeans when Sam went back to the kitchen but he didn’t even realize it. Sam meant business when he was disciplining Ethan, but with Dean he was just cruel and unusual.
“Daddy.”
“Yeah?” Dean asked looking down at him.
“You’re welcome.” Mikey smiled.
--
“Shut up.” Amy laughed. “So this is the baby?”
“No, this is a stunt baby. We keep Ollie in a curio downstairs.”
--
He made a quick trip to the office and came back holding a DVD in his hands. He was twisting it back and forth so it would catch the light and shine in back in Dean’s face. He looked thrilled beyond belief, unfortunately it wasn’t what he really wanted.
“It’s not me and Anthony.”
“You and Bruce?”
“No.”
“The three of you?”
“No.” Sam laughed.
“Oh, the three of you and Alex and Auden.”
“Yes Dean. I’ve made you a sex tape featuring two of my best friends, my step brother and our son’s teacher. There are special deleted scenes with Nick, Amy and that nice plumber who came over when Ethan flushed his diaper.”
--
“So everything worked out.” Dean smiled. “I guess I just need to make things up to you.”
“Indeed you do. I want some more orchids and maybe we’ll see what else you can do when we get upstairs.”
“God, is the sink leaking again? I’m going to have to get down on my hands and knees while you’re behind me with something shaped like a flashlight.”
--
“What’s third base?” Mikey asked.
“We’re going to play baseball.”
“You need a glove to do that daddy. Where’s your glove?”
“If you ask him why he thinks you’re the catcher.” Sam whispered. “I will kill you.”
“No Mikey, I don’t need a glove. Sammy is the catcher.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Why not?” Dean asked. “I can pit…
Sam shoved him hard just as John was closing the window before Dean had a chance to psychologically scar Mikey any further.
--
“I am so wired.”
“You drank too much espresso. You barely even fell asleep afterwards.”
“I know.” Dean laughed. “Ball pit?”
“What the hell.” Sam shrugged. “Let me get the spatula, I’ll meet you there.”
--
“I may have heard a rumor that you kind of like to get, you know, slapped around, maybe.”
“Completely untrue. Sam likes to slap me around. I let him because I love him.”
“Oh, so then you have no helpful suggestions for getting slapped around?”
“Well uh…” Dean shrugged. “I’d just go out of your way to get into trouble. What are we talking about here? A little light nipple play or do you want him to spank with a spatula while you’re gagged with a bright blue ball from your children’s ball pit?”
“Well, I was thinking…” Bruce started.
“I mean you could maybe get your hair pulled and then the next thing you know you’re tied up in the closet and the motorized tie rack is doing double duty while there’s hot candle wax and magic shell involved.”
“Dude.” Alex said shaking his head. “I’m calling child protective services.”
“And the entire time you’re wondering how the hell someone can be so nice one minute and then the next minute, you’re hog tied and he’s wearing a cowboy hat, boots and nothing else but a shit eating grin because he knows you can’t do a damn thing about it.”
When Dean finally looked up from the lights in his hands Alex and Bruce were both wearing twin expression of horror on their faces. He didn’t really see what the big deal was because he left out all the really bad stuff that went on after they put the kids to sleep each night, sometimes twice.
“What?” Dean asked.
“Dude.” Bruce said still staring. “I was thinking about a blindfold and maybe some of those furry handcuffs. What the hell is wrong with you?”
--
“Anyway.” Luke said. “Sit down, it’s time for your present.”
“Is it porn?”
“Yes, it’s me and Sam. In front of a mirror so there are four of us.”
“I’m gonna need some Gatorade then.”
“Would you just sit!” Luke yelled. “Jesus, he’s like a child.”
“Tell me about it.” Sam sighed.
--
“You two still not kissing?”
“Dad!” Dean yelled. “What did I tell you about that?”
“You know in my day babies just happened, it didn’t matter how much time you spent not kissing.”
“Yeah, well in your day dinosaurs roamed the earth and everyone used dialup.”
--
Sam kissed the huge red splotch across his face and exhaled once more as they got started making a baby. It was their nasty Wednesday but what happened was anything but. Dean kept his lips on the back of his neck and whispered in his ear the entire time. He told him how he fell in love with him when he was twenty years old and all he ever really wanted to do was be close to him. He never really thought about sex and when he did he always finished up by thinking about what it would be like afterwards when they were quiet and holding on to each other.
--
“It’s roleplaying Friday and freaky Saturday. A good assistant would know that.”
“Is that why you needed a cowboy hat?” Anthony asked.
“Yes.” Sam nodded. “And the boots.”
“And the feathered headband?”
“For him.” Sam motioned to Dean. “His Indian name is sits with a wince.”
--
“Oh?” Anthony asked turning back around. “You take care of him?
“Yes, he’s like the little brother I never deflowered [...]"
--
Sam sighed. “Okay, this, tastes like ass.”
“Aw.”
“Bad ass. Like, processed ass.”
“That makes me feel better.”
--
“Nick was just in bed with me.” Anthony shrugged. “Kind of a fantasy, huh? Having both brothers?”
“Tell me about it.” Auden winked.
“Pregnant wife.” Amy pointed at herself. “Right here.”
--
“What about Leroy?” Michael asked. “I like that.”
“Michael.” Dean said as he looked into the rearview mirror. “I respect your heritage and love you more than the moon, but I refuse to listen to anymore of your hillbilly name suggestions.”
“That’s hillWilliam thank you very much. Cletus is out then?”
--
“Now if you ever have any problems I want you to tell your teacher and she’ll get Alex.”
“Okay daddy.” Evan said.
“Even if it’s a little problem, just tell her to go get him and he’ll either help or call us.”
“Okay.” Ethan nodded.
“And if someone tries to offer you…”
“Dean.” Sam sighed. “You’re at about a twelve I need you to scale it back to a six.”
“Sammy, I need a solid eight as soon as we get out of here. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes.”
“Twice.”
“Inappropriate in school. Also, closer to nine.”
“What is?” Evan asked.
“Uh.” Dean said as he cleared his throat. “The time. Here we are, your big boy classroom.”
--
“That is enough.” Sam sighed. “Not the time nor the place. You’re an educator and shouldn’t be discussing this in the classroom and you’re someone’s father so you shouldn’t be talking about this with our kids right there.”
“They’re all the way across the room.” Dean laughed. “They can’t…”
“What’s a bottom?” Ethan asked.
“Well.” Mikey sighed. “If I understand it a bottom is a boy who needs extra love all the time, usually someone pretty cute like uncle Bruce, Mr. Watkins or daddy.”
“What does that make daddy?” Evan asked.
“Oh, well he’s a hot top. I heard Anthony say that once. Him and daddy are hot tops, grandma too.”
“So grandpa is a bottom?” Ethan whispered. “Makes sense.”
“Oh yeah, grandpa is a total bottom.”
“Oh man.” Alex sighed. “I am going to sleep good tonight.”
--
“That’s why daddy, uncle Bruce and grandpa get in trouble sometimes. Bottoms do that a lot.”
“Oh no.” Ethan frowned. “Am I a bottom?”
“No, you’re just a kid.” Mikey nodded. “You don’t mean to get in trouble. Besides I’m pretty sure you’ll end up being tops since daddy is a top. I however have decided after a lot of careful deliberation to be a side.”
“Aw, my babies are tops.” Sam smiled. “Isn’t that…”
“Sweet Jesus, someone kill me.” Dean said. “This is the…”
“And when you’re a bottom you get punished in the closet a lot. Sometimes two or three time a day. I don’t know what happens but I have some theories. When daddy gets punished he cries a lot.”
“Aww.” Evan said. “Poor daddy.”
“Oh yeah.” Mikey nodded. “I’ve heard him before saying “No Sammy, please, no that hurts so good.” And always crying. “No Sammy, not so hard.” Then crying louder!”
“He’s spakin’ him?” Ethan whispered. “Poor daddy!”
“Don’t feel bad, he’s a bottom, he likes it.”
“Enough!” Dean yelled. “You’re all sides until you’re thirty.”
“I want to be a top!” Ethan said.
“Me too!”
“That solves one of our problems.” Dean sighed.
--
As soon as they decided to go away for a weekend he started to get lots of very scandalous ideas that only got naughtier when Auden offered up the house. He had masturbated all over Sam and in return Dean was going to masturbate all over his house and probably in the freezer just for the hell of it. That alone was reason to go and then there was Sam who Dean was finding more and more attractive with every year they spent together. Since their night on the balcony he was watching him constantly, often time risking his relationship with Ollie just to sneak a peek.
“Uh oh.”
“What?”
“Uh, nothing.” Dean said nervously. “Sammy, hand my that instruction book.”
“We just have to paint.” Sam said as he handed it over.
“I just want to see what’s next.” Dean said as he placed it in his lap. “Just uh…”
“You’re a bad boy.” Sam whispered. “Who’s your daddy?”
“You.”
“Yeah, I’m your daddy. You need to be punished. I’m your daddy.”
“I am!” John yelled. “What the hell is wrong with you two?”
--
“Dean.” Anthony smiled. “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be with you.”
“Awesome!” Ollie said as he slapped Anthony. “Go away!”
“Don’t worry baby.” Dean laughed. “I’d be happy to show you.”
“Really?” Anthony asked.
“Oh yeah, why don’t you go get my a bagel and a beer can?”
“On that note I have to go to work.” Bruce said quickly.
--
“Is there anyone you would want enough to cheat on me?”
“Can I count Ollie?”
“No, I mean have sex with and I’m not counting McGriddles.”
“Um.” Dean said. “Well, since I sort of thought about you every time I had sex I’m gonna say no.”
“I was twelve the first time you had sex.”
“And I was thinking that I could have spent those sixteen seconds hanging out with you. What about you? Auden?”
“Nah.” Sam shrugged. “Who needs lust when you’ve got love?”
“And a little lust.” Dean said as he raised an eyebrow.
“I’m very proud of your accomplishments today.”
“Thank you, Sammy.”
“I’m still going to beat you for challenging me in front of Ollie.”
“Thank you, Sammy.” Dean smiled. “I also thought you were being a dick and a dumbass.”
“Well.” Sam shrugged. “Someone’s gonna have a black and blue ass to explain to the neighbors.”
--
Usually when he was nervous he could count on Sam to talk some sense into him but he was an ingrate and barely woke up that morning. He just sort of stumbled to the car in his pajamas hugging Ollie to his tight defined chest. Before they even left Sam was back asleep with his head on a pillow pressed against the passenger window. Dean wasn’t too upset about it because he looked very cute and more than once he had stroked the front of his pajama pants and listened to Sam happily sigh. Had they been alone Dean could have spent the entire five hour drive giving him a slow tortuous hand job, but with three baby Winchesters in the backseat he had to control his urges and pet him instead like the pretty pony he was.
--
“Good morning, Sammy. We’re going to stop in Winchester, New Hampshire for breakfast and maybe bottles.”
“Winchester, New Hampshire? Is that the town where everyone does their brother?”
“Yes, dad’s already alerted Mikey to keep Ethan and Evan separated.”
--
[out of order]
“Oh, Mikey.” Dean frowned. “It’s like someone just kicked the junk of my heart.”
--
“Michael.” Mikey said as he stopped pacing. “I accidentally hit Mr. Watkins in his junk, now I apologized, but I’d like you to make sure he’s okay.”
“Maybe you could kiss it.” Ethan smiled.
Evan took one look at him and then punched himself in the crotch. That was by far the funniest and most disturbing thing Sam had ever seen. Ethan hadn’t noticed it and Evan looked mighty upset that he hadn’t offered to make it better but he just shrugged and went back to smiling at everyone.
--
“Yes, his name is Petunia and he’s secure in his manhood. Except he doesn’t have balls anymore.”
--
“No talking!” Evan yelled before he leaned in and whispered. “But once we’re done playing ice cream war on dinosaur back I do want you to talk to me again because I love you and think you’re a hot power bottom.”
“I wuvah too.” John said around Evan’s finger. “Make da deal, Dwean.”
“What are the terms?” Dean asked.
“We get Ollie back.” Mikey said as he cocked his arm. “And you have to turn over Mr. Watkins”
“Have you ever done this before?” Dean asked. “Why would I give up my hostage, who is very cute by the way, and my only other viable soldier?”
“Because we got your daddy.” Ethan said as he raised his finger. “And we’ll pump him full of Chunky Monkey.”
“I’m a chunky monkey.” Ollie giggled.
“Dude, I don’t even really like him.” Dean shrugged.
“Very well.” Mikey said as he walked out from behind the sofa. “Then I’m going to shoot ice cream all over the upholstery and when daddy comes back we’ll all pretend we didn’t do it and we outnumber you and he’ll be really mad and not in a good it’s your birthday kinda way!”
“Whoa!” Dean yelled as he let Ollie go. “Just be cool. Alex get out here.”
--
“So he insulted you by saying his baby was cuter than you?”
“In fwont of Miwhoa.” Ollie said. “Way cutah than Chawee.”
“Okay.” Dean said as he kissed his nose. “Anthony, you’re fired a month ahead of schedule.”
“Don’t I get to defend myself?”
“No, this is America where justice favors the rich.”
--
“Well…” Anthony paused. “Can I…like can I help?”
“You want to help?”
“Well, I don’t want to kill people and I don’t want to die even if that apparently isn’t that big of handicap as everyone makes it seem. I was thinking I could be like your Fred.”
“My…huh?”
“You know, Fred, she’s not really a fighter, but she’ll stay back at the hotel and maybe research or like offer new insight.”
“Fred’s a girl?” Sam asked. “Is she a friend of yours?”
“Fred from Angel.”
“Now there’s an angel?”
“Thank God you’re so pretty.”
“Oh, this is one of those pop culture references I don’t get because I was busy killing things and then being studious then killing things for a few weeks, then being crazy then being a daddy.”
--
“You did tell mom you made that video, right?”
“Actually.” John laughed. “I was going to take a shower and film it and she called me a penis tease.”
“Huh?”
“She doesn’t say the word cock.”
“Oh.”
--
“I’m really good in the kitchen! Okay, so I did sling batter on her, but that was because my precious baby boy was on his way, weren’t you?”
“I was made wit a baby batter.” Ollie nodded. “Daddy batter from a junk stick.”
“Yes you were!”
--
All right you punks time to get back to work!”
“Don’t call them punks!”
Dean got up off the sofa to kick Alex’s ass, but he was very quickly distracted by the kids all sitting quietly at the table. Their hands were folding together and all their lunch boxes were stacked nice and neat on the counter for Dean to take back upstairs.
“Did you enjoy lunch?” Alex asked.
“Yes sir, Mr. Watkins.” Ethan nodded. “It was delicious and now we’re ready to resume our education.”
“Yeah.” Alex said as he rubbed his hands together. “They’re my army of super disciplined children.”
“Shut up!” Ollie yelled. “No more wit a talking.”
“Young man, I want you to take your chair to the corner.”
“I wan you to kiss my monkey.” Ollie said as he walked to Dean’s side. “Is a butt.”
“Ha!” Dean laughed. “Who’s my rebel with a curls?”
--
“What are you making now?”
“Well, we missed Jared’s birthday last week and because he grew up in Massachusetts I’m making a Boston Cream Pie.”
“It was your birthday?” Alex asked. “Last week?”
“Yep.” Jared nodded. “It was my birthday….it was…”
“Like six months ago. Also you’re not from Massachusetts.” Alex sighed. “Sam, I told you not to trust people while you’re baking.”
“You lied!”
“I elaborated.”
“How did you elaborate being from someplace you’re not and having a birthday in the wrong month?” Sam asked. “I’m going to whack off in this batter.”
“You reward people for lying?” Jared asked. “I’m also a certified air traffic controller.”
“You’re a bad person.”
“Come on, I really like pies and cakes. Pwease?”
--
“You are so flirtatious.” Dean grinned. “Be gentle with my…Ah! Mother fucker!”
“What?” Sam asked as he raised his head. “You said gnaw.”
“Yeah but…” Dean panted. “Jesus, it’s not a tootsie pop. If you bite it in half there’s no delicious candy treat and….Ah! Fucking fucker! Sam, I…Ah! Ahh! What did I…Ah! What did I say?”
“Sixty-forty.” Sam said as he looked up. “Baby.”
“You’re at about ninety-ten.” Dean sighed. “Is this because of the…Ah! Fuck! Ah! I…Goddamn it I love you.”
Dean considered himself a highly functioning masochist because he was perfectly fine with about sixty percent pain and just a little of pleasure. Sam was giving him about ninety percent pain and the ten percent was only there because it was cold out and Dean’s penis felt great in a nice warm mouth.
--
“And he wants to bond with us.” Dean whispered.
“Fanastic.” Sam grinned. “I’ll rig the harness and wax my taint.”
“Oh thank God.” Dean said. “It’s like an enchanted forest down there I’m just scurrying around like a mystical elf looking for the honey pot brandishing my plus seven and a half helm of deflowerzation.”
--
“You are looking hot, my friend.” Jensen said as he checked him out. “The husband’s in another time zone, that means it’s open season.”
“Sorry.” Dean frowned. “Bruce is back, but you’re right behind him.”
“Well that sounds promising.”
“And he’s behind Sam.”
“Alright!” Jensen yelled. “Sounds like a party!”
“Yeah until you factor in Ollie scowling at me from across the room.” Sam said.
“Oh, I can’t compete with him. Shall we go gentlemen and you can show me what it’s like to drive around in a car that cost more than most people’s homes?”
“We would be delighted.” Sam said as he took Jensen’s and Dean’s arm. “Hmm, I look pretty good between you two.”
“Perfect.” Dean sighed. “Sporting wood is the best way to accept the Newbery.”
--
“This is as queer as a clockwork orange.”
“What?” John asked. “What did you call me?”
“It’s an old cockney expression that Anthony Burgess used to title the book of the same name.”
“How the hell do you know that?” Sam asked.
“Hello? Doing a college. Well, Sammy, this is just…it’s fantastic.” Dean nodded. “It’s…fantastic.”
“I know you hate it.”
“No! It’s really beautiful in here.”
“It looks like Frank Lloyd Wright fucked Eames in the ass, ate him, and then threw up all over the place.” John said. “Then he shot himself in the head.”
“Dad!” Dean said as he punched him in the shoulder. “Jesus, why are you so grumpy?”
“I’m not I…aw, Sammy.”
Sam’s big smile was gone and he was hugging his bible protectively to his chest. He looked like John had just diagnosed him with cancer of the puppy.
--
“I’m just cooking.”
“Oh, yeah right.” Dean whispered. “You’re trying to seduce me!”
“No, I’m just cooking.”
“Then why do you keep smirking at me?”
“Because you look cute wit a Mawy.” Sam whispered. “Why would I need to seduce you, I’ll just wait until you’re not looking and then….Bam!”
“Ah!”
“Bam!” Ollie laughed. “Wit a bam in a butt. Oh boy.”
“That’s right.” Sam said.
--
"[D]o you remember anything from Friday night?”
“At the party?” Jensen asked. “Hmm, I remember us sitting around smoking cigars and drinking scotch in front of a fireplace. A perfectly lovely evening. I had on a top hat, you of course were wearing a bottom hat.”
--
“I’m totally making gumbo!”
“Ooh.” Dean moaned. “You’ve been a very, very bad boy.”
“He is a bad boy and he need a spankin!” Ollie nodded. “You spank him, I will eat eggs. What a bad Sammy! Such a bad little boy!”
“You mustn’t want gumbo.” Sam said.
“I get a quatah fwom Aweks wit a machine in a basement.”
“That’s gumball, baby.” Dean smiled. “Gumbo is what drips out of God when he sweats.”
--
“It would be kick butt if we didn’t have to come here for dancing.” Ethan nodded. “That would be cool if we could learn at home like with school.”
“But daddy said that Alex can’t dance. He said he’s not gay like that.”
“But Craig is gay like that.”
“He is?”
“Oh yes, I heard daddy telling grandpa all about him being a flaming queen.”
“I guess he left his crown at home.”
“I don’t think I could dance with a crown on.” Ethan said as he shook his head. “It would mess up my hair anyway.”
--
“You’re more possessive than usual.”
“I had a sleep with gwampa! Not lumpy enough for a Beans, and with a honking, what in a world! Then when a wake up, have a pig wit bweakfes, then…Then!”
“What!” Dean asked. “God, the suspense is killing me!”
“Then a burn spasketti! A burn! Wha! How!”
“How…” Sam laughed. “How did he managed to burn spaghetti?”
“Grandpa.” Mikey said as he shook his head. “He found a way.”
--
“You do look a little tired, Anthony.” Sam frowned. “Seriously, how about half days for the rest of the week? We promise we won’t make a mess.”
“Alright, um, I’ll go home after I fix the website.”
“No.” Dean said. “You’ll go home after your sandwich. I’ll call Derek, he can fix the site in a few minutes instead of you spending the day doing it. Charlie’s going to go back to sleep after he’s fed and you can take a nap.”
“I had a plan.” Anthony said. “I was going to take care of my baby, my brother, my husband, and still kick ass at my job.”
“I was going to rock out with an electric guitar and nail a different chick each night.”
“I was going to go to law school and marry a girl.”
“I was going to kill millions of people until I brought forth Armageddon and have sex with Sam every night.” Jeremy shrugged. “I still might do one of those…”
“You wish.” Dean laughed. “Anthony, nobody can do it all and no expects you to.”
“You do it all.”
“I sure do.” Dean said. “With a man-nanny, an assistant, a private teacher, ballet instructor, grandpa, grandma, uncles, a husband, and a lot of coffee. You can get all those things, or you can pick what’s most important and it’s not your job.”
--
“Sam is my best friend.” Dean said. “But I guess based on child transportation you’re number two.”
[Alex] “Aw!”
“A big steaming number two.”
“Hey!”
--
Dean knew that John was just joking and he really appreciated it because nothing lightened the mood like a little conversation about listening to your father beat off while thinking about your brother.
--
“You’re lucky I am so smart.” Michael whispered. “So lucky.”
“What?” Dean laughed. “Why?”
“Because I gave a tour of this whole kitchen and made sure no one saw dad doing a button kiss.”
“Oh, shit.”
“Yeah, that’s right!
“Oh.” Dean groaned. “Oh, God, I’m sorry, I thought we were far enough out.”
“Well, maybe next time you make sure that fire isn’t burning so bright.”
“I am so responsible for warping you and I apologize.”
“It’s okay.” Michael said before he nudged him. “My boyfriend was dad’s age once.”
“He doesn’t…well…you don’t do stuff like that with him.”
“Of course not.”
“You’re going out there in like ten minutes, aren’t you?”
“I sure the hell am.” Michael laughed. “But if anyone asks we’re just going stargazing.”
“That’s what we were doing!”
“Of course you were.” Michael said as he looked at Sam across the kitchen. “No better place to see stars than where the sun don’t shine.”
--
"[...] Ya know wha? I kinda like a Mawy.”
“Seriously?” Dean asked. “I thought you were emphatically anti-Mawy.”
“Is diffwent.” Ollie said as he held out one hand. “But wit Chawee is diffwent too. He got a tan wit fuzzy hair then wit Mawy and a vagina. Still a baby, still pwetty, still make a poop.”
“Are you suggesting that Mary, Milo, and Charlie are all essentially the same even if he’s a different color and she has girl parts?”
“Essenwally.”
“That’s called progress, baby.” Sam smiled.
--
In an effort to make up for years of shoddy fathering Dean got to go third when and if the time came for John to start sticking his dick in other guys. He figured it would make up for all the hugs he didn’t give which seemed to be a logical conclusion he would come to as Dean’s father. Sam made a note to hug all the kids as soon as he got back home so he wouldn’t be on the other end of the conversation one day.
--
“Can I paint the car black?”
“Whatever you want.” Sam smiled. “But it’s Mikey’s the minute he gets his license.”
“Dude.” Mikey whispered to Evan. “I’ve got two cars now.”
“I have a twin!”
“I has a penis!” Ollie giggled. “Put a Mawy on a floor!”
--
“I don’t know about ya’ll, but I would rather [have] me some fruit.” Michael said. “Delicious.”
“Please refrain from innuendo in front of the children and flirt with Mr. Watkins in private.”
“I’d say the bigger problem is him hitting on you right in front of me.” Alex said. “Yes, I went there.”
“An addendum.” Dean said as he glared at Alex. “After crawling under the rope you’re to punch Mr. Watkins in the nuts, bonus points if he falls over.”
“I’m not going to do that.” Mikey whispered. “He needs those.”
“I get to do it twice then!” Ethan said as he raised his hand.
--
“Oh!” Dean said before he clapped. “No! I do remember my first kiss! Right after you were born I gave you a kiss. I remember asking if it was okay and dad said to kiss you on the forehead, then he left and mom said I could kiss you anywhere because you were mine.”
“So you were my first kiss too?”
“Mmhmm. It was really romantic too and because I’m such an obedient son I always remembered her telling me I could kiss you anywhere and I still do that today.”
“You sure do.” Sam smiled. “Come over here and make her proud.”
“Well, if you insist.”
Sam was sure that someone out there would argue that they couldn’t count a kiss that happened when he was just a few hours old and Dean was only four, but those people were called assholes.
--
“Gimme like a phat beat, daddy.”
When Dean started beatboxing Ollie put his hands up in the air and began to dance. He was actually sort of grooving along to the beat and kept pointing at his adoring fan, Oinkers, who waved and then grunted at him. Sam was sure the pig was part of the show somehow, but it was just Ollie and Dean becoming the worlds greatest father and son rap duo.
“You see a daddy! He lookin’ pwetty hot!” Ollie rapped. “Wha you want a belly? Then a shoot you wit a glock!”
“Dean!”
“Here go daddy Sammy, yah he got a hot stick! One time I see it say “Wha! Is too thick!” Yah he really pwetty, yah he so nice, but I say sit a ass down and make Your Beans a wice!”
“Oh my.” Aaron whispered.
“Did a see a pig? Yah, Oinkahs is a name! I use fwuit loops when pwacticing my aim! Don step to me ‘cuz boy I’m da fire! I’m too cool for a punk ass choir! Look at a fool wit a shock and a awe, peace out punk, word to a mawmaw.”
--
“No let ‘em wrassle, dad.” Michael said. “Oh you two fighting over lil’ ole me!”
“Is that what they’re fighting over?” Alex asked as he rolled up his sleeves. “I’m gonna have to get in on that.”
“Mr. Watkins, they’d hurt you.” Evan said. “You stay back here with Spotty, he’s just a baby, you know. He’s helpless and needs me to take care of him because I’m big and strong. I’m his Michael.”
“Hah!” Dean laughed. “You just got compared to a baby beagle!”
--
“When [Ethan] was bad I would tell him to be good, and did he listen?” Mikey asked. “No, he still put cereal in Ollie’s pants.”
“I got a Fwuit Loop in a butt.” Ollie frowned. “Ten time.”
“Aww!” Dean said before he kissed his head. “Just like daddy.”
--
“You’re unbearable.” Jared said. “Seriously, John. You need to relax. Maybe there’s something you could do to relax.”
“What?”
“Just get your mind off of things, maybe chill out to some Zeppelin, eat some hot fries…you know.”
“Jared, I really don’t think that particular activity is going to help anything.” Sam smiled. “And I don’t feel like it’s appropriate to discuss it at the dinner table where my children…”
“Will you do it with me?” John asked.
“Absolutely!”
“Do what?” Evan asked as he picked up his fork. “Something grown up I’m sure.”
“Buttsex.” Mikey sighed. “I know it’s buttsex. It’s always buttsex.”
“Oh…” Evan whispered. “For the record kissing your brother is the best thing you can do after kissing your puppy. Shame on you grandpa.”
“You make daddy very proud.” Dean smiled. “Very proud!”
--
Ethan’s first ride in his new truck didn’t last long but Dean was very impressed with his handling of it. It didn’t go very fast at all, but he picked up a little speed and made sure to start braking before he got too close to them. Ollie was still trying to run James over, but Ethan had come back because Evan was always letting him pet his puppy and he obviously wanted to share his truck.
“Hey, good looking.”
“Hi.” Evan laughed. “Do you like it?”
“It’s pretty awesome. Daddy, I’d like to take Evan on a date.” Ethan said. “To the tree and back.”
“Well, I don’t know.” Sam sighed. “What are your intentions?”
“Kissing when we’re sixteen, then babies after college. I’m gonna put so many babies in him!”
“Oh geez.” Evan blushed. “Ethan.”
“What?” Ethan asked. “I’m the little brother. That’s my job, right?”
“You have no idea.” Dean laughed. “Wow, it’s like looking at you when you were four years old.”
“Mmhmm.”
--
“Stop shoving me!” John said before he shoved Sam back. “Why are you such a bitch!”
“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!”
--
Sam smiled and started measuring out the rest of his ingredients while Dean squatted down next to the playpen. Milo was still reading his book and actually sighed before looking over after Dean poked him a few times to get his attention. Mary, as always was very attentive especially when Dean was telling story and they both seemed to enjoy the epic tale of Daddy’s jewels which were as nice as grandma’s but bright blue in color. If he wrote it as a book he knew it would be another bestseller, but Dean didn’t think the public would be as interested to hear about his blue balls as Mary and Milo were.
--
“That’s what you’re wearing?” Sam asked. “Seriously?”
“What’s wrong with it?”
“Uh…it’s a gay wedding. I’d like everyone to still be gay tomorrow.”
--
“Daddy, what do you think she’s thinking?” Mikey asked as he looked back. “When it was painted and right now.”
“Um…” Sam said before he cleared his throat. “At the time I’m sure she was thinking about getting her portrait painted and right now she’s probably thinking about what a bunch of handsome admirers she has.”
“She wants me.”
“Dad.” Sam sighed. “No, she doesn’t.”
“Yeah, she does, she wants me so bad.”
“Gwampa, is a Mona Lisa.” Ollie said. “Is not a Milton Larry, sheesh.”
--
All the rich smells of delicious food were wafting through the air and just begging him to come a little closer for a taste. Everything smelled so incredible, but Dean was going to be happy with his coffee and croissants at least for another hour or so then he was going to find some hot meat and once he was done with Sam he was going to look for lunch.
--
The queen’s bedchamber made the king’s look downright dowdy. Henri told them the room was exactly as it had been when Marie-Antoinette left during the French Revolution in 1789. Sam thought that was kind of creepy because that was well over two hundred years ago and he was wondering if their house might be a museum one day. If that happened he was going to have to empty out the sock drawer before he died just to be on the safe side.
--
“It’s fantastic.” Sam sighed. “I love Marie-Antoinette.”
“What’s her whole deal, Sammy?”
“Well.” Sam said as he clapped his hands together. “Marie-Antoinette is basically the French version of me.”
“She was a bossy power bottom with a ten inch dick too!”
“My goodness.” Henri gasped. “You’re a bottom, Mr. Michaels?”
“Oh, God no.” Sam blushed. “But when I do bottom I’m a power bottom. I top even when I’m getting fucked.”
“And why don’t you question him having a ten inch dick?” Dean asked. “Shouldn’t that be more shocking?”
“Not at all.”
Henri looked out the door and then reached into his pants to pull up the band of his underwear. They were Armani which Sam complimented him on because clearly he preferred the finer things in life.
--
Sam had already sucked on the bright red candy for a second and Dean was almost positive it was sweeter since it had already been in his mouth. While he licked and sucked at it Sam had the naughtiest little grin on his face. It would have looked a lot naughtier if his face wasn’t so tear stained, but Dean could still tell he was about to suggest something nasty and therefore fantastic.
“What are you thinking?”
“Nothing.”
“Sammy come on.” Dean said as he stood up. “So far this week we’ve had sex a million times, been in each other’s bodies, you peed in me, and we did sex in public. You can tell me.”
“I’m shy!” Sam said before he put the ring back in his mouth. “Bashful!”
“You wanna put that big candy ring in my ass, don’t you?”
Sam nodded like he was ashamed of himself and Dean tried to pretend like he was annoyed and disgusted but he was too turned on. He helped Sam up from the ground and then they walked back to the limo to thank Henri for a wonderful evening after promising to invite him to their next wedding.
When they were in the back of the limo Dean undid his belt, unzipped his pants and let Sam push the RingPop into his cute little hidey hole. It actually made Sam giggle and as soon as he pulled it out he popped it back in his mouth. He was a nasty boy and Dean officially had something to talk to Alex about on Monday.
--
Dean smiled. “Joe, your ass looks so nice and tight in that camo, I wanna pound your hole!”
“You know what’s sad?”
“What?”
“That’s so not the first time Superman has said that to GI Joe.”
Dean laughed and then Alex did too when Superman pounded Joe like the cheap whore he was, like all men in the service, particularly Marines. Spiderman got in on it next and then they invited one of the Ninja Turtles over for a little more hot plastic action.
--
Carol said. “My meeting was today for PFLAG. Last month we took nominations for the new president this year and…and…I can’t even say it.”
“Is it a bad word grandma?” Ethan asked. “Is it shit?”
“Ethan!” Sam whispered. “Don’t say that.”
“Is a fuck?”
“Ollie!”
“Wha? Is what a do to a duck.” Ollie said as he looked over at Dean and a thrusted his hips. “A fuck a duck.”
“When you’re eighteen!”
“Wha? Jeez.”
--
“Break a leg, baby.”
“What kind of clumsy bitch actually breaks a leg?” Dean asked. “Really?”
“Hmm. Just for that I’m going to sodomize you tonight and punch you in the back of the head the very moment I climax.”
“Shut the fuck up! Martha told me the same thing!”
--
“Oh, a know.” Ollie nodded seriously. “Maybe you take a walk to see Anfony. See wit a house over there? Is where a west of a dwama queen live. Tell ‘em you get da cwown!”
--
“This is ridiculous, you’re not going to just stop working. I didn’t raise Dean to raise you to just give up.”
--
"Now remember what I told you!"
"You don wan the Beans to be a bad boy!"
"Exactly! Your Deans likes good boys."
"Yeah." Ollie scoffed. "A so sure daddy Sammy is wit being good."
"Good point." Dean whispered. "Well, most of the time he is."
"I tell him to give you a butt, daddy!"
"Don't you worry about daddy! I'm gonna get a butt from him either way."
--
"Don't yell at Mikey you butt!" Ethan yelled. "Get a grip, daddy!"
"That's it! Come here! Over my knee!"
"Why?"
"Because I'm going to spank you!" Dean said. "That'll teach you to sass daddy!"
"Awesome!" Ethan said as he jumped off the sofa. "Evan, pay attention."
--
On the ride to school Ollie listed all the reasons why Sam should get a butt from and give a butt to John instead of Dean. The most obvious was that Ollie didn't give a Bzz what anyone did with John and Dean was his property. Also he try to explain to Sam that if they got rid of the contacts John would wear his glasses all the time which made him almost as good as Dean. Sam was in the front seat and Dean saw him roll his eyes about six times but eventually he crossed his fingers and promised that there would be no giving or getting butt from anyone except grandpa.
"Those fingers look good together like that, Sammy." Dean whispered. "Add that ring finger to the mix and you'll have one happy daddy on your hands…then face."
"Stop it." Sam blushed.
--
"[...] Should we all go to church tomorrow?"
"No, thank you." Ethan said. "It makes no sense to go somewhere that puts you to sleep as soon as you wake up."
"Hmm." Dean whispered. "Not how I would have put it, but I still have work to do on some enchilada costumes."
"Sammy?"
"Uh, I'm helping Dean." Sam laughed. "With the enchilada costumes."
"Am I the most boring priest in the world?"
"You're the most boring priest at this table." Evan said. "I don't know about the world, but it's a safe bet."
"When a say "And Jesus come down and smite a sinnahs!" The Beans hears "Waaaaaahnnnnkkk waaahhh waaahnkkk." Ya sound like Jawhead Quackalicky."
"I don't think Jesus ever smites sinners." Aaron whispered. "I…"
"And a say they shall be wit a smoten!"
"Beanie baby!" Dean laughed. "That's a very good impersonation of Aaron!"
"Wight!"
--
"I'm scared." James nodded. "I'm just scared."
"That's okay." Sam said. "You know what I do when I'm scared?"
"Fart a little and then blame it on the cat." James sighed. "Or whichever of your children happen to be closest."
"I…When…."
"Ah ha!" Dean yelled. "You're the worst father since dad! I knew there was no way Mary farted as often as you said she did!"
--
"Sammy, big brothers as a whole tend to be a lot smarter than little brothers. Isn't that right, Jason?"
"Oh, yes sir. That's why Michael's at Yale and I'm basically a day laborer."
--
"Your Beans wants a pwashooto wit a melon."
"Like all two year olds." Sam laughed. "Baby, if I can find proscuitto in this podunk town I will wrap a whole melon with it."
"Hey now!"
"Todd." Dean frowned. "It is a podunk town."
"I know, but still!"
--
"Let's just park behind this empty guest house…"
"I ain't poking you."
"I fart one time in nine years and you want to break up with me!"
"Don't be stupid." Sam laughed. "You ate four bowls of chili. No self respecting gay man would venture into your forbidden zone."
"I got other zones!"
"Fine, I'll fuck you in them big goofy ears."
--
"Wha! Don spit on a cupcake and say is fwosting!" Ollie screamed. "A shame, devil!"
--
"I…" Dean said before pausing. "Is that a new sweater?"
"I was cold this morning."
"Liar! Why must you test our love, Sammy?"
"My toe." Sam whispered. "Your butt."
"All is forgiven!"
"Thought so."
--
Dean sighed. "I sort of miss Aaron. I haven't been molested in a really long time."
"Well, that won't do."
"It's not the same when you do it, Sammy." Dean frowned. "You never get the catholic guilt right and you encourage me to tell dad after it's over."
"Oh, gimme another shot."
"Fine!"
"Call me Father Winchester."
"Sammy…"
"Blessed is the fruit of thy womb." Sam whispered. "Lead us directly into temptation and deliver us from sex with people not in our immediate family."
"Nasty!"
"You love it." Sam said before pausing.
--
"That was fantastic!" Sam laughed. "Very nicely done, Evan!"
"Thanks, daddy! I like singing, but sometimes I worry it might conflict with my dancing." Evan said and then paused. "But I guess you can write books and still be a highly paid wiener model."
"That's um…that's true…who said I was a wiener model?"
"Uh…" Evan whispered before playing with his hands. "I think I heard that when we were in France…someone on the internet, maybe...wienermodels.com/daddy."
"Did daddy say that?"
"Maybe…don't hit him daddy, he's so short!"
"Don't you worry, baby. I won't hit him even once!"
--
"Well, look who it is!" Ollie said once he noticed Aaron. "A guess a have time to see The Beans aftah a spend so much time makin' out wit a Jesus!"
"Ah." Aaron said after looking at his watch. "I've made it five minutes before hearing my first bit of blasphemy. A new record. Hey guys!"
"I bet Jesus is a top."
"Ethan!" Sam whispered. "I don't think that…"
"Clearly he is." Mikey added. "I heard that Aaron is what's refer to an as uberbottom, even worse than grandpa."
"Someone's more of a bottom than me?" John smiled. "Awesome!"
--
Craig smiled. "And just to let you know gay men like you have made it hard for me too."
"How so?" Porter asked. "I'd like to know."
"Well, on the way over here." Craig said before he leaned in to whisper. "A woman tried to insert me to cleanse herself vaginally because I guess she thought all gay men were douches…like you?"
"Okay." Dean chuckled. "Craig gets the best off the cuff insult."
"Thank you, Dean. I've actually been working on it since I heard he was here. Come on kids, let's go warm up."
--
"Well, I…A plastic banana! Thank you Milo!"
"Bwahdah!"
"This will ensure I get my daily requirement of plastassium!"
--
"Shh! Pst! Pbbt! Shhh!" Michael hissed. "Win-chest-ter, W as in 'Whip your ass.' I as in 'I'll whip your ass.' N as in 'No, don't move I'm going to whip your ass.' C as in 'Hey, Cun…'"
--
Sam knew that Dean wasn't going to stick to the five present rule, but he had been putting off making out with Jared for a pretty long time and it was Christmas, the season of making out with people who looked similar to you while other people watched. When Jared came into the bedroom ready to bring out more presents, Sam grabbed him by the front of his shirt and threw him up against the wall. He looked a little nervous at first but then he grinned and took it like a man before attempting to make Sam do the same.
While they were making out Jared tried his very best to gain the upper hand but Sam was a hell of a lot stronger. When Jared grabbed his ass, Sam grabbed his big hands and pinned them above his head which caused Jensen to audibly moan. Dean was hoping for a hell of a lot more, but Sam stopped it at that because Jared was thrusting into him like he was trying to get through to the other side.
--
The only thing better than being the most important person in the world was being the most important person in the world’s bitch. That was Dean’s own opinion to which he was completely entitled. If anyone had a problem with it, he had a dick they could suck, which was located in John’s pants since his own dick was Sam’s exclusive property. Dean wasn’t suggesting that Sam always was or always would be the most important person in the world, but on Saturday night it was the absolute truth. No one was going to argue with that and if they did Dean still had a handy dick which he kept in John pants for just such an occasion.
--
Dean being all sweaty in the pants gave Sam about fifty ideas and all of them ended with buttsex and ice cream.
--
"Now apparently Emmy, second assistant to the makeup artist, went to Jared's trailer around one in the morning because they were almost done with the scene and she wanted him to have first dibs on the food."
"Oh, so this was a premeditated." Dean said. "She seduced him."
"So it would seem, but when she got to the trailer, which was filled with smoke, she found Jared drunk off his ass. She even fondly recalls a wizard shaped bong on the coffee table in front of the sofa and gigantic bag of pot with Jared's name on it."
"I don't remember any of that…"
"Apparently not because Emmy is a lesbian, and she left when you tried to put the wrapper from a bite sized Snicker bar on your cock through your jeans so you could fuck her in the ass."
"Oh, boy." Dean whispered. "What an unlikely turn of events."
"Apparently you called her Jen-Bunny the entire time she was in there, which was less than two minutes."
"I had sex that night, I'm sure of it."
"We had sex before we went to eat." Jensen said as he shook his head. "Are you seriously telling me that we've been through all this and nothing happened?"
"No, I had sex with her, she was…she rode me and called me her cowboy."
"Wow." Dean said. "You are going to be sleeping on the sofa for the longes…"
"That was me."
"She had on boots."
"That was me."
"Jen." Jared whispered. "She told me I was making her puddy cat wet."
"That was me!" Jensen said again. "You cheated on me with me, you dumb piece of shit!"
--
The billboard was twice as big as the last one and at least ten times sexier. It was about sixty feet high and Sam was about fifty feet tall in it which proportionally made his jock about eight or so feet. Armani couldn't have picked the nice conservative black boxer briefs either. They had to go with the tiny white briefs which were a size too small and looked to be about two sizes too small. They were so tight and the shadows in the ad had been so heavily edited that Sam could clearly see the outline of his eight foot cock which was humiliating and incredibly gratifying at the same time.
"And to think I jacked off on his face last night."
"It's so…big!"
"Yeah, that goes in my butt." Dean nodded. "Right in the pooper."
"Do you think it's a little lewd?"
"You're selling underwear. It's supposed to be."
"I guess."
"You look really butch." Dean frowned. "You better get your bitch ass in the kitchen and bake me something tasty when we get home."
"Whatever you say, darling. You're the man."
"I'm the man!"
--
"Besides, look at all this stuff you bought! We're on vacation! I'm not eating fruits and…is that a giant sack of oysters?"
"Yep." Sam said as he stood up. "I hope there's a shucker at the house."
"Imma shuck you off as soon as I'm done with this sandwich."
--
After slicing one sandwich into eight pieces John passed them out and waited. The babies wanted nothing to do with them, but the rest of the kids at least tried it. Mikey made a little impressed noise and the twins knocked off all the olive salad before switching pieces which Sam completely expected. He also knew exactly how Ollie would react since the whole sandwich was basically a tribute to the glorious and tasty pig. His eyes rolled back in his head, he shuddered, swallowed, and then very calmly put his sandwich down.
"Well?" Dean asked. "How was it, baby?"
"Your Beans." Ollie panted. "Daddy, Your Beans is close."
"To what!"
"A don even know." Ollie whispered. "Is like getting hugged weal hawd…fwom a pig."
"Do you…"
"Shh shh shh." Ollie said as he pressed a finger to Dean's lips. "Ya don talk to me wight now. Ya keep a pwetty mouth shut and eat a Mufasa. Ya got a weal pwetty mouth, daddy. Yeah, ya do. I like that. Getting me hot."
"Amy totally jumped my bones after I took her to Central Grocery." Auden whispered. "Twice."
"Really?" Sam whispered back. "Here's hoping."
When Sam glanced back at Dean he looked completely naughty. Sam didn't want to get his hopes up but then Dean made a little ring with his thumb and index finger from his left hand, and rammed it through with two fingers from his right hand. Mikey ended up slapping him in the back of the head for being inappropriate, but Sam knew what it meant and he was really looking forward to it after he ate at least a half of a muffaletta himself.
--
After taking a deep breath and searching for the panel Dean slid open the pocket door and stepped into another world. The empty room had been completely transformed to look like something out of the sleaziest gay club in the world. The sling was in the middle of the room suspended from the ceiling and against one wall was a whole case of dildos that reminded Dean of those big variety bags of jellybeans. He spotted three cameras, two gigantic televisions, a small refrigerator, and shackles that were bolted to the wall. The only real furniture in the room was a shiny black leather chaise and a chair that would put someone at a very nice height when seated at the harness. Dean's embarrassment over Antony knowing just how kinky they could get suddenly didn't seem like that big of a deal, not when he knew what he was in for.
"Holy butt fucker." Dean whispered. "Seriously?"
"I don't appreciate your smartass comments about my peacock room."
"Whuh?" Dean asked before he looked back. "What are…oh…my…Jason."
"You'll speak when spoken to."
"Uh, okay and…Ow!"
In the few seconds while Dean had been checking out the room Sam had armed himself with a riding crop, removed his sweater, and slipped on a little black leather mask. When Dean spoke out of turn Sam smacked the shit out of him right across the handsome face with the riding crop. It stung like a bitch, brought tears to his eyes and wood to his jeans. Dean honestly couldn't remember the last time he had been so turned on, but he was pretty sure it involved a blowjob, a sexy dance, and maybe a thick sandwich.
--
"It's more important that this fucking…" Alex said before he paused. "Excuse me? Yes, I am aware that I've said fuck three times, sir. Your pain in the ass daughter screamed for nine straight hours and I could hear her in first class, so if you don't mind, please fuck the fuck off, fucker."
--
"What are you guys talking about?" Dean asked as he walked over with Mary. "What's going on?"
"Mikey just informed me that pretty soon he's going to be having lots of sex with chicks that play the clarinet."
"Mikey! Don't forget about the flute. They'll work too."
"Dean!"
"Right, right. Sweet bitches who can work the woodwind."
"Mikey." Sam said calmly. "Why would you want to date a…"
"Hit and run, daddy."
"Okay….why a girl who knows how to play the clarinet?"
"Daddy." Mikey sighed. "Because they're very, very classy. These bitches drink their juice boxes pinky up."
"Ah…okay. Go play. I have to call child services on your father."
--
Dean was borderline freaked out, but he took a deep breath and put on his brave big brother pants. They were a lot like his daddy pants, just a little tighter across the ass.
--
"They are so cute!" Sam said as he took a piece of pizza. "Daddy and I have decided to have fifteen more!"
"Absolutely not!" Ethan said as he hit the table with his fist. "Mikey is cute."
"Thank you." Mikey said. "Pretty sure this is going to be a backhanded compliment though."
"Evan and me are ten thousand times cuter."
"There it is!"
"Then Ollie came out and he's as fat as a pig."
"Ethan! A so sweet!"
"Then those two with the hair." Ethan said as he pointed at the babies. "And those little dresses. Now there's Buster who makes Mikey looks like a pile of garbage that a homo puked on and then set on fire."
"I am so going to kick your ass one day." Mikey whispered. "The day you turn thirteen. Kickassmas!"
--
"Okay, well, if you're not worried, I'm not."
"Good! Let's go win this hooker baby festival."
"Oh, he's cheating." Sam whispered. "He's totally cheating."
"Baby, if you consider that cheating then you're never allowed to take your shirt or pants off again outside of our bedroom."
"And what exactly does that mean?"
"It means you're a wonderful writer, the best of your generation."
"Thank you!"
"And you're also a hot piece of ass with a painfully thick dick."
"Huh…"
--
"Where's Sam?" Jared asked. "He'll know what to do. He can use the magics."
"He's s-i-c-k."
"Sick?"
"Whuh!" Milo yelled. "Who!"
"Um…Anthony is sick."
"Me, I don't care. More milk, mommy."
"Okay, baby." Dean said before he shook his head. "Don't repeat things I s-p-e-l-l, dumbass."
"Spill what?"
"Is spell." Ollie sighed. "Thank God ya pwetty in the wight lights."
--
To add insult to injury Sam did fetch and pen and a pad before jamming his entire arm elbow deep up a turkey's ass. If memory served, and it did, Dean had been asking for the same treatment for quite a few years and four fingers was Sam's limit. The damned turkey was getting more action than him and that just pissed Dean off. He thought about saying something, but then Sam shoved his other arm up inside another turkey. That was the main problem with having a huge family, at least once a year Dean had a double reminder that no one was willing to fist him.
--
"Sorry." Sam said before he narrowed his eyes. "I'm so deep inside this turkey I may never find my way out…"
"Hey!"
"God, he's so tight." Sam whispered. "Look at me flex my massive forearms. I could split him in half if I wanted to."
"Okay." Ollie sighed. "Are we still talkin' 'bout a turkey? Mikey!"
"Good idea." Dean said. "Go get Mikey to draft some plans for your pigs. I need to talk to daddy about the stuffing."
"I like stuffin', daddy!"
"I like stuffing daddy too."
-- Mikey 'Verse by bitchandjerk, (Sam/Dean, John/OFC (later John/Mary/OFC), OC pairings, kidfic, Winbrothers)
Note: This post is super long and it's all from one fic. Well, one 'verse with something like four hundred chapters and over 3.5million words. Needless to say the further down you go in this post, the more spoilery the quotes are. Also, this is kidfic and there are eventual Winbrothers.
"I want my ball pit.”
“Fine.” Sam sighed. “If you’re really good we’ll get it for you.”
“What if I’m bad?”
“Then you’ll probably get it a lot sooner.” Sam grinned.
--
They went out to buy two gallons or paint and a few new brushes while Sam was sighing and shuffling his feet around the store. He didn’t have a problem with painting, but they had a whole empty house and dozens of surfaces that could support their combined weight. It seemed like a waste to be painting, but Dean was so excited, he didn’t care.
--
“You know what’s great?” Dean asked. “We can talk about sex and not worry about them over hearing us. Anal sex!”
Dean spent the next two minutes yelling every sexual term he had ever heard and a few Sam was sure he invented. He was expecting him to be in a pretty crappy mood without the kids around but he was handling it just fine, he barely even cried when John left with them.
“I can’t believe you’d rather paint when you could be doing all those things to me.”
“It’s eleven Sammy. We have six hours until they come back. We have time to do the dippety doo again.”
--
“We can talk about it.”
“That doesn’t make me feel better.”
“What if I.” Sam sighed. “What if I tie you up and spank you when we get home?”
“No.”
“Slap you around?”
“No.” Dean frowned.
“Oh God, it’s worse than I thought.”
--
How was school? Say something sexy if you’ll tell me later.”
“I’m wearing a pair of jeans and my blue shirt.” Sam laughed. “Should I unbutton it a little?”
“So it was pretty bad then?”
“I’m tugging on my belt right now. These jeans are so tight.”
“Wow.” Anthony sighed. “He’s okay though, right?”
“Yeah.” Sam nodded. “I think so.”
“Stop talking about me!” Dean yelled grabbing the phone. “You’re fired.”
--
“Cookies before dinner?”
“Sam.” Dean stood. “I gave them cookies. I am fully responsible.”
“Don’t punish him daddy.” Mikey said tugging at Sam’s jeans. “Please.”
Ethan and Evan both kept quiet while they moved a little closer to each other. Mikey always got what he wanted and Sam was going to give it to him.
“Alright Mikey. I won’t punish him.” Sam smiled. “For three weeks.”
“What!” Dean yelled. “Three weeks the baby will be here! Then I’ll never get to be punished!”
“Enjoy your cookies kids.”
Mikey was tugging on Dean’s jeans when Sam went back to the kitchen but he didn’t even realize it. Sam meant business when he was disciplining Ethan, but with Dean he was just cruel and unusual.
“Daddy.”
“Yeah?” Dean asked looking down at him.
“You’re welcome.” Mikey smiled.
--
“Shut up.” Amy laughed. “So this is the baby?”
“No, this is a stunt baby. We keep Ollie in a curio downstairs.”
--
He made a quick trip to the office and came back holding a DVD in his hands. He was twisting it back and forth so it would catch the light and shine in back in Dean’s face. He looked thrilled beyond belief, unfortunately it wasn’t what he really wanted.
“It’s not me and Anthony.”
“You and Bruce?”
“No.”
“The three of you?”
“No.” Sam laughed.
“Oh, the three of you and Alex and Auden.”
“Yes Dean. I’ve made you a sex tape featuring two of my best friends, my step brother and our son’s teacher. There are special deleted scenes with Nick, Amy and that nice plumber who came over when Ethan flushed his diaper.”
--
“So everything worked out.” Dean smiled. “I guess I just need to make things up to you.”
“Indeed you do. I want some more orchids and maybe we’ll see what else you can do when we get upstairs.”
“God, is the sink leaking again? I’m going to have to get down on my hands and knees while you’re behind me with something shaped like a flashlight.”
--
“What’s third base?” Mikey asked.
“We’re going to play baseball.”
“You need a glove to do that daddy. Where’s your glove?”
“If you ask him why he thinks you’re the catcher.” Sam whispered. “I will kill you.”
“No Mikey, I don’t need a glove. Sammy is the catcher.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Why not?” Dean asked. “I can pit…
Sam shoved him hard just as John was closing the window before Dean had a chance to psychologically scar Mikey any further.
--
“I am so wired.”
“You drank too much espresso. You barely even fell asleep afterwards.”
“I know.” Dean laughed. “Ball pit?”
“What the hell.” Sam shrugged. “Let me get the spatula, I’ll meet you there.”
--
“I may have heard a rumor that you kind of like to get, you know, slapped around, maybe.”
“Completely untrue. Sam likes to slap me around. I let him because I love him.”
“Oh, so then you have no helpful suggestions for getting slapped around?”
“Well uh…” Dean shrugged. “I’d just go out of your way to get into trouble. What are we talking about here? A little light nipple play or do you want him to spank with a spatula while you’re gagged with a bright blue ball from your children’s ball pit?”
“Well, I was thinking…” Bruce started.
“I mean you could maybe get your hair pulled and then the next thing you know you’re tied up in the closet and the motorized tie rack is doing double duty while there’s hot candle wax and magic shell involved.”
“Dude.” Alex said shaking his head. “I’m calling child protective services.”
“And the entire time you’re wondering how the hell someone can be so nice one minute and then the next minute, you’re hog tied and he’s wearing a cowboy hat, boots and nothing else but a shit eating grin because he knows you can’t do a damn thing about it.”
When Dean finally looked up from the lights in his hands Alex and Bruce were both wearing twin expression of horror on their faces. He didn’t really see what the big deal was because he left out all the really bad stuff that went on after they put the kids to sleep each night, sometimes twice.
“What?” Dean asked.
“Dude.” Bruce said still staring. “I was thinking about a blindfold and maybe some of those furry handcuffs. What the hell is wrong with you?”
--
“Anyway.” Luke said. “Sit down, it’s time for your present.”
“Is it porn?”
“Yes, it’s me and Sam. In front of a mirror so there are four of us.”
“I’m gonna need some Gatorade then.”
“Would you just sit!” Luke yelled. “Jesus, he’s like a child.”
“Tell me about it.” Sam sighed.
--
“You two still not kissing?”
“Dad!” Dean yelled. “What did I tell you about that?”
“You know in my day babies just happened, it didn’t matter how much time you spent not kissing.”
“Yeah, well in your day dinosaurs roamed the earth and everyone used dialup.”
--
Sam kissed the huge red splotch across his face and exhaled once more as they got started making a baby. It was their nasty Wednesday but what happened was anything but. Dean kept his lips on the back of his neck and whispered in his ear the entire time. He told him how he fell in love with him when he was twenty years old and all he ever really wanted to do was be close to him. He never really thought about sex and when he did he always finished up by thinking about what it would be like afterwards when they were quiet and holding on to each other.
--
“It’s roleplaying Friday and freaky Saturday. A good assistant would know that.”
“Is that why you needed a cowboy hat?” Anthony asked.
“Yes.” Sam nodded. “And the boots.”
“And the feathered headband?”
“For him.” Sam motioned to Dean. “His Indian name is sits with a wince.”
--
“Oh?” Anthony asked turning back around. “You take care of him?
“Yes, he’s like the little brother I never deflowered [...]"
--
Sam sighed. “Okay, this, tastes like ass.”
“Aw.”
“Bad ass. Like, processed ass.”
“That makes me feel better.”
--
“Nick was just in bed with me.” Anthony shrugged. “Kind of a fantasy, huh? Having both brothers?”
“Tell me about it.” Auden winked.
“Pregnant wife.” Amy pointed at herself. “Right here.”
--
“What about Leroy?” Michael asked. “I like that.”
“Michael.” Dean said as he looked into the rearview mirror. “I respect your heritage and love you more than the moon, but I refuse to listen to anymore of your hillbilly name suggestions.”
“That’s hillWilliam thank you very much. Cletus is out then?”
--
“Now if you ever have any problems I want you to tell your teacher and she’ll get Alex.”
“Okay daddy.” Evan said.
“Even if it’s a little problem, just tell her to go get him and he’ll either help or call us.”
“Okay.” Ethan nodded.
“And if someone tries to offer you…”
“Dean.” Sam sighed. “You’re at about a twelve I need you to scale it back to a six.”
“Sammy, I need a solid eight as soon as we get out of here. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes.”
“Twice.”
“Inappropriate in school. Also, closer to nine.”
“What is?” Evan asked.
“Uh.” Dean said as he cleared his throat. “The time. Here we are, your big boy classroom.”
--
“That is enough.” Sam sighed. “Not the time nor the place. You’re an educator and shouldn’t be discussing this in the classroom and you’re someone’s father so you shouldn’t be talking about this with our kids right there.”
“They’re all the way across the room.” Dean laughed. “They can’t…”
“What’s a bottom?” Ethan asked.
“Well.” Mikey sighed. “If I understand it a bottom is a boy who needs extra love all the time, usually someone pretty cute like uncle Bruce, Mr. Watkins or daddy.”
“What does that make daddy?” Evan asked.
“Oh, well he’s a hot top. I heard Anthony say that once. Him and daddy are hot tops, grandma too.”
“So grandpa is a bottom?” Ethan whispered. “Makes sense.”
“Oh yeah, grandpa is a total bottom.”
“Oh man.” Alex sighed. “I am going to sleep good tonight.”
--
“That’s why daddy, uncle Bruce and grandpa get in trouble sometimes. Bottoms do that a lot.”
“Oh no.” Ethan frowned. “Am I a bottom?”
“No, you’re just a kid.” Mikey nodded. “You don’t mean to get in trouble. Besides I’m pretty sure you’ll end up being tops since daddy is a top. I however have decided after a lot of careful deliberation to be a side.”
“Aw, my babies are tops.” Sam smiled. “Isn’t that…”
“Sweet Jesus, someone kill me.” Dean said. “This is the…”
“And when you’re a bottom you get punished in the closet a lot. Sometimes two or three time a day. I don’t know what happens but I have some theories. When daddy gets punished he cries a lot.”
“Aww.” Evan said. “Poor daddy.”
“Oh yeah.” Mikey nodded. “I’ve heard him before saying “No Sammy, please, no that hurts so good.” And always crying. “No Sammy, not so hard.” Then crying louder!”
“He’s spakin’ him?” Ethan whispered. “Poor daddy!”
“Don’t feel bad, he’s a bottom, he likes it.”
“Enough!” Dean yelled. “You’re all sides until you’re thirty.”
“I want to be a top!” Ethan said.
“Me too!”
“That solves one of our problems.” Dean sighed.
--
As soon as they decided to go away for a weekend he started to get lots of very scandalous ideas that only got naughtier when Auden offered up the house. He had masturbated all over Sam and in return Dean was going to masturbate all over his house and probably in the freezer just for the hell of it. That alone was reason to go and then there was Sam who Dean was finding more and more attractive with every year they spent together. Since their night on the balcony he was watching him constantly, often time risking his relationship with Ollie just to sneak a peek.
“Uh oh.”
“What?”
“Uh, nothing.” Dean said nervously. “Sammy, hand my that instruction book.”
“We just have to paint.” Sam said as he handed it over.
“I just want to see what’s next.” Dean said as he placed it in his lap. “Just uh…”
“You’re a bad boy.” Sam whispered. “Who’s your daddy?”
“You.”
“Yeah, I’m your daddy. You need to be punished. I’m your daddy.”
“I am!” John yelled. “What the hell is wrong with you two?”
--
“Dean.” Anthony smiled. “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be with you.”
“Awesome!” Ollie said as he slapped Anthony. “Go away!”
“Don’t worry baby.” Dean laughed. “I’d be happy to show you.”
“Really?” Anthony asked.
“Oh yeah, why don’t you go get my a bagel and a beer can?”
“On that note I have to go to work.” Bruce said quickly.
--
“Is there anyone you would want enough to cheat on me?”
“Can I count Ollie?”
“No, I mean have sex with and I’m not counting McGriddles.”
“Um.” Dean said. “Well, since I sort of thought about you every time I had sex I’m gonna say no.”
“I was twelve the first time you had sex.”
“And I was thinking that I could have spent those sixteen seconds hanging out with you. What about you? Auden?”
“Nah.” Sam shrugged. “Who needs lust when you’ve got love?”
“And a little lust.” Dean said as he raised an eyebrow.
“I’m very proud of your accomplishments today.”
“Thank you, Sammy.”
“I’m still going to beat you for challenging me in front of Ollie.”
“Thank you, Sammy.” Dean smiled. “I also thought you were being a dick and a dumbass.”
“Well.” Sam shrugged. “Someone’s gonna have a black and blue ass to explain to the neighbors.”
--
Usually when he was nervous he could count on Sam to talk some sense into him but he was an ingrate and barely woke up that morning. He just sort of stumbled to the car in his pajamas hugging Ollie to his tight defined chest. Before they even left Sam was back asleep with his head on a pillow pressed against the passenger window. Dean wasn’t too upset about it because he looked very cute and more than once he had stroked the front of his pajama pants and listened to Sam happily sigh. Had they been alone Dean could have spent the entire five hour drive giving him a slow tortuous hand job, but with three baby Winchesters in the backseat he had to control his urges and pet him instead like the pretty pony he was.
--
“Good morning, Sammy. We’re going to stop in Winchester, New Hampshire for breakfast and maybe bottles.”
“Winchester, New Hampshire? Is that the town where everyone does their brother?”
“Yes, dad’s already alerted Mikey to keep Ethan and Evan separated.”
--
[out of order]
“Oh, Mikey.” Dean frowned. “It’s like someone just kicked the junk of my heart.”
--
“Michael.” Mikey said as he stopped pacing. “I accidentally hit Mr. Watkins in his junk, now I apologized, but I’d like you to make sure he’s okay.”
“Maybe you could kiss it.” Ethan smiled.
Evan took one look at him and then punched himself in the crotch. That was by far the funniest and most disturbing thing Sam had ever seen. Ethan hadn’t noticed it and Evan looked mighty upset that he hadn’t offered to make it better but he just shrugged and went back to smiling at everyone.
--
“Yes, his name is Petunia and he’s secure in his manhood. Except he doesn’t have balls anymore.”
--
“No talking!” Evan yelled before he leaned in and whispered. “But once we’re done playing ice cream war on dinosaur back I do want you to talk to me again because I love you and think you’re a hot power bottom.”
“I wuvah too.” John said around Evan’s finger. “Make da deal, Dwean.”
“What are the terms?” Dean asked.
“We get Ollie back.” Mikey said as he cocked his arm. “And you have to turn over Mr. Watkins”
“Have you ever done this before?” Dean asked. “Why would I give up my hostage, who is very cute by the way, and my only other viable soldier?”
“Because we got your daddy.” Ethan said as he raised his finger. “And we’ll pump him full of Chunky Monkey.”
“I’m a chunky monkey.” Ollie giggled.
“Dude, I don’t even really like him.” Dean shrugged.
“Very well.” Mikey said as he walked out from behind the sofa. “Then I’m going to shoot ice cream all over the upholstery and when daddy comes back we’ll all pretend we didn’t do it and we outnumber you and he’ll be really mad and not in a good it’s your birthday kinda way!”
“Whoa!” Dean yelled as he let Ollie go. “Just be cool. Alex get out here.”
--
“So he insulted you by saying his baby was cuter than you?”
“In fwont of Miwhoa.” Ollie said. “Way cutah than Chawee.”
“Okay.” Dean said as he kissed his nose. “Anthony, you’re fired a month ahead of schedule.”
“Don’t I get to defend myself?”
“No, this is America where justice favors the rich.”
--
“Well…” Anthony paused. “Can I…like can I help?”
“You want to help?”
“Well, I don’t want to kill people and I don’t want to die even if that apparently isn’t that big of handicap as everyone makes it seem. I was thinking I could be like your Fred.”
“My…huh?”
“You know, Fred, she’s not really a fighter, but she’ll stay back at the hotel and maybe research or like offer new insight.”
“Fred’s a girl?” Sam asked. “Is she a friend of yours?”
“Fred from Angel.”
“Now there’s an angel?”
“Thank God you’re so pretty.”
“Oh, this is one of those pop culture references I don’t get because I was busy killing things and then being studious then killing things for a few weeks, then being crazy then being a daddy.”
--
“You did tell mom you made that video, right?”
“Actually.” John laughed. “I was going to take a shower and film it and she called me a penis tease.”
“Huh?”
“She doesn’t say the word cock.”
“Oh.”
--
“I’m really good in the kitchen! Okay, so I did sling batter on her, but that was because my precious baby boy was on his way, weren’t you?”
“I was made wit a baby batter.” Ollie nodded. “Daddy batter from a junk stick.”
“Yes you were!”
--
All right you punks time to get back to work!”
“Don’t call them punks!”
Dean got up off the sofa to kick Alex’s ass, but he was very quickly distracted by the kids all sitting quietly at the table. Their hands were folding together and all their lunch boxes were stacked nice and neat on the counter for Dean to take back upstairs.
“Did you enjoy lunch?” Alex asked.
“Yes sir, Mr. Watkins.” Ethan nodded. “It was delicious and now we’re ready to resume our education.”
“Yeah.” Alex said as he rubbed his hands together. “They’re my army of super disciplined children.”
“Shut up!” Ollie yelled. “No more wit a talking.”
“Young man, I want you to take your chair to the corner.”
“I wan you to kiss my monkey.” Ollie said as he walked to Dean’s side. “Is a butt.”
“Ha!” Dean laughed. “Who’s my rebel with a curls?”
--
“What are you making now?”
“Well, we missed Jared’s birthday last week and because he grew up in Massachusetts I’m making a Boston Cream Pie.”
“It was your birthday?” Alex asked. “Last week?”
“Yep.” Jared nodded. “It was my birthday….it was…”
“Like six months ago. Also you’re not from Massachusetts.” Alex sighed. “Sam, I told you not to trust people while you’re baking.”
“You lied!”
“I elaborated.”
“How did you elaborate being from someplace you’re not and having a birthday in the wrong month?” Sam asked. “I’m going to whack off in this batter.”
“You reward people for lying?” Jared asked. “I’m also a certified air traffic controller.”
“You’re a bad person.”
“Come on, I really like pies and cakes. Pwease?”
--
“You are so flirtatious.” Dean grinned. “Be gentle with my…Ah! Mother fucker!”
“What?” Sam asked as he raised his head. “You said gnaw.”
“Yeah but…” Dean panted. “Jesus, it’s not a tootsie pop. If you bite it in half there’s no delicious candy treat and….Ah! Fucking fucker! Sam, I…Ah! Ahh! What did I…Ah! What did I say?”
“Sixty-forty.” Sam said as he looked up. “Baby.”
“You’re at about ninety-ten.” Dean sighed. “Is this because of the…Ah! Fuck! Ah! I…Goddamn it I love you.”
Dean considered himself a highly functioning masochist because he was perfectly fine with about sixty percent pain and just a little of pleasure. Sam was giving him about ninety percent pain and the ten percent was only there because it was cold out and Dean’s penis felt great in a nice warm mouth.
--
“And he wants to bond with us.” Dean whispered.
“Fanastic.” Sam grinned. “I’ll rig the harness and wax my taint.”
“Oh thank God.” Dean said. “It’s like an enchanted forest down there I’m just scurrying around like a mystical elf looking for the honey pot brandishing my plus seven and a half helm of deflowerzation.”
--
“You are looking hot, my friend.” Jensen said as he checked him out. “The husband’s in another time zone, that means it’s open season.”
“Sorry.” Dean frowned. “Bruce is back, but you’re right behind him.”
“Well that sounds promising.”
“And he’s behind Sam.”
“Alright!” Jensen yelled. “Sounds like a party!”
“Yeah until you factor in Ollie scowling at me from across the room.” Sam said.
“Oh, I can’t compete with him. Shall we go gentlemen and you can show me what it’s like to drive around in a car that cost more than most people’s homes?”
“We would be delighted.” Sam said as he took Jensen’s and Dean’s arm. “Hmm, I look pretty good between you two.”
“Perfect.” Dean sighed. “Sporting wood is the best way to accept the Newbery.”
--
“This is as queer as a clockwork orange.”
“What?” John asked. “What did you call me?”
“It’s an old cockney expression that Anthony Burgess used to title the book of the same name.”
“How the hell do you know that?” Sam asked.
“Hello? Doing a college. Well, Sammy, this is just…it’s fantastic.” Dean nodded. “It’s…fantastic.”
“I know you hate it.”
“No! It’s really beautiful in here.”
“It looks like Frank Lloyd Wright fucked Eames in the ass, ate him, and then threw up all over the place.” John said. “Then he shot himself in the head.”
“Dad!” Dean said as he punched him in the shoulder. “Jesus, why are you so grumpy?”
“I’m not I…aw, Sammy.”
Sam’s big smile was gone and he was hugging his bible protectively to his chest. He looked like John had just diagnosed him with cancer of the puppy.
--
“I’m just cooking.”
“Oh, yeah right.” Dean whispered. “You’re trying to seduce me!”
“No, I’m just cooking.”
“Then why do you keep smirking at me?”
“Because you look cute wit a Mawy.” Sam whispered. “Why would I need to seduce you, I’ll just wait until you’re not looking and then….Bam!”
“Ah!”
“Bam!” Ollie laughed. “Wit a bam in a butt. Oh boy.”
“That’s right.” Sam said.
--
"[D]o you remember anything from Friday night?”
“At the party?” Jensen asked. “Hmm, I remember us sitting around smoking cigars and drinking scotch in front of a fireplace. A perfectly lovely evening. I had on a top hat, you of course were wearing a bottom hat.”
--
“I’m totally making gumbo!”
“Ooh.” Dean moaned. “You’ve been a very, very bad boy.”
“He is a bad boy and he need a spankin!” Ollie nodded. “You spank him, I will eat eggs. What a bad Sammy! Such a bad little boy!”
“You mustn’t want gumbo.” Sam said.
“I get a quatah fwom Aweks wit a machine in a basement.”
“That’s gumball, baby.” Dean smiled. “Gumbo is what drips out of God when he sweats.”
--
“It would be kick butt if we didn’t have to come here for dancing.” Ethan nodded. “That would be cool if we could learn at home like with school.”
“But daddy said that Alex can’t dance. He said he’s not gay like that.”
“But Craig is gay like that.”
“He is?”
“Oh yes, I heard daddy telling grandpa all about him being a flaming queen.”
“I guess he left his crown at home.”
“I don’t think I could dance with a crown on.” Ethan said as he shook his head. “It would mess up my hair anyway.”
--
“You’re more possessive than usual.”
“I had a sleep with gwampa! Not lumpy enough for a Beans, and with a honking, what in a world! Then when a wake up, have a pig wit bweakfes, then…Then!”
“What!” Dean asked. “God, the suspense is killing me!”
“Then a burn spasketti! A burn! Wha! How!”
“How…” Sam laughed. “How did he managed to burn spaghetti?”
“Grandpa.” Mikey said as he shook his head. “He found a way.”
--
“You do look a little tired, Anthony.” Sam frowned. “Seriously, how about half days for the rest of the week? We promise we won’t make a mess.”
“Alright, um, I’ll go home after I fix the website.”
“No.” Dean said. “You’ll go home after your sandwich. I’ll call Derek, he can fix the site in a few minutes instead of you spending the day doing it. Charlie’s going to go back to sleep after he’s fed and you can take a nap.”
“I had a plan.” Anthony said. “I was going to take care of my baby, my brother, my husband, and still kick ass at my job.”
“I was going to rock out with an electric guitar and nail a different chick each night.”
“I was going to go to law school and marry a girl.”
“I was going to kill millions of people until I brought forth Armageddon and have sex with Sam every night.” Jeremy shrugged. “I still might do one of those…”
“You wish.” Dean laughed. “Anthony, nobody can do it all and no expects you to.”
“You do it all.”
“I sure do.” Dean said. “With a man-nanny, an assistant, a private teacher, ballet instructor, grandpa, grandma, uncles, a husband, and a lot of coffee. You can get all those things, or you can pick what’s most important and it’s not your job.”
--
“Sam is my best friend.” Dean said. “But I guess based on child transportation you’re number two.”
[Alex] “Aw!”
“A big steaming number two.”
“Hey!”
--
Dean knew that John was just joking and he really appreciated it because nothing lightened the mood like a little conversation about listening to your father beat off while thinking about your brother.
--
“You’re lucky I am so smart.” Michael whispered. “So lucky.”
“What?” Dean laughed. “Why?”
“Because I gave a tour of this whole kitchen and made sure no one saw dad doing a button kiss.”
“Oh, shit.”
“Yeah, that’s right!
“Oh.” Dean groaned. “Oh, God, I’m sorry, I thought we were far enough out.”
“Well, maybe next time you make sure that fire isn’t burning so bright.”
“I am so responsible for warping you and I apologize.”
“It’s okay.” Michael said before he nudged him. “My boyfriend was dad’s age once.”
“He doesn’t…well…you don’t do stuff like that with him.”
“Of course not.”
“You’re going out there in like ten minutes, aren’t you?”
“I sure the hell am.” Michael laughed. “But if anyone asks we’re just going stargazing.”
“That’s what we were doing!”
“Of course you were.” Michael said as he looked at Sam across the kitchen. “No better place to see stars than where the sun don’t shine.”
--
"[...] Ya know wha? I kinda like a Mawy.”
“Seriously?” Dean asked. “I thought you were emphatically anti-Mawy.”
“Is diffwent.” Ollie said as he held out one hand. “But wit Chawee is diffwent too. He got a tan wit fuzzy hair then wit Mawy and a vagina. Still a baby, still pwetty, still make a poop.”
“Are you suggesting that Mary, Milo, and Charlie are all essentially the same even if he’s a different color and she has girl parts?”
“Essenwally.”
“That’s called progress, baby.” Sam smiled.
--
In an effort to make up for years of shoddy fathering Dean got to go third when and if the time came for John to start sticking his dick in other guys. He figured it would make up for all the hugs he didn’t give which seemed to be a logical conclusion he would come to as Dean’s father. Sam made a note to hug all the kids as soon as he got back home so he wouldn’t be on the other end of the conversation one day.
--
“Can I paint the car black?”
“Whatever you want.” Sam smiled. “But it’s Mikey’s the minute he gets his license.”
“Dude.” Mikey whispered to Evan. “I’ve got two cars now.”
“I have a twin!”
“I has a penis!” Ollie giggled. “Put a Mawy on a floor!”
--
“I don’t know about ya’ll, but I would rather [have] me some fruit.” Michael said. “Delicious.”
“Please refrain from innuendo in front of the children and flirt with Mr. Watkins in private.”
“I’d say the bigger problem is him hitting on you right in front of me.” Alex said. “Yes, I went there.”
“An addendum.” Dean said as he glared at Alex. “After crawling under the rope you’re to punch Mr. Watkins in the nuts, bonus points if he falls over.”
“I’m not going to do that.” Mikey whispered. “He needs those.”
“I get to do it twice then!” Ethan said as he raised his hand.
--
“Oh!” Dean said before he clapped. “No! I do remember my first kiss! Right after you were born I gave you a kiss. I remember asking if it was okay and dad said to kiss you on the forehead, then he left and mom said I could kiss you anywhere because you were mine.”
“So you were my first kiss too?”
“Mmhmm. It was really romantic too and because I’m such an obedient son I always remembered her telling me I could kiss you anywhere and I still do that today.”
“You sure do.” Sam smiled. “Come over here and make her proud.”
“Well, if you insist.”
Sam was sure that someone out there would argue that they couldn’t count a kiss that happened when he was just a few hours old and Dean was only four, but those people were called assholes.
--
“Gimme like a phat beat, daddy.”
When Dean started beatboxing Ollie put his hands up in the air and began to dance. He was actually sort of grooving along to the beat and kept pointing at his adoring fan, Oinkers, who waved and then grunted at him. Sam was sure the pig was part of the show somehow, but it was just Ollie and Dean becoming the worlds greatest father and son rap duo.
“You see a daddy! He lookin’ pwetty hot!” Ollie rapped. “Wha you want a belly? Then a shoot you wit a glock!”
“Dean!”
“Here go daddy Sammy, yah he got a hot stick! One time I see it say “Wha! Is too thick!” Yah he really pwetty, yah he so nice, but I say sit a ass down and make Your Beans a wice!”
“Oh my.” Aaron whispered.
“Did a see a pig? Yah, Oinkahs is a name! I use fwuit loops when pwacticing my aim! Don step to me ‘cuz boy I’m da fire! I’m too cool for a punk ass choir! Look at a fool wit a shock and a awe, peace out punk, word to a mawmaw.”
--
“No let ‘em wrassle, dad.” Michael said. “Oh you two fighting over lil’ ole me!”
“Is that what they’re fighting over?” Alex asked as he rolled up his sleeves. “I’m gonna have to get in on that.”
“Mr. Watkins, they’d hurt you.” Evan said. “You stay back here with Spotty, he’s just a baby, you know. He’s helpless and needs me to take care of him because I’m big and strong. I’m his Michael.”
“Hah!” Dean laughed. “You just got compared to a baby beagle!”
--
“When [Ethan] was bad I would tell him to be good, and did he listen?” Mikey asked. “No, he still put cereal in Ollie’s pants.”
“I got a Fwuit Loop in a butt.” Ollie frowned. “Ten time.”
“Aww!” Dean said before he kissed his head. “Just like daddy.”
--
“You’re unbearable.” Jared said. “Seriously, John. You need to relax. Maybe there’s something you could do to relax.”
“What?”
“Just get your mind off of things, maybe chill out to some Zeppelin, eat some hot fries…you know.”
“Jared, I really don’t think that particular activity is going to help anything.” Sam smiled. “And I don’t feel like it’s appropriate to discuss it at the dinner table where my children…”
“Will you do it with me?” John asked.
“Absolutely!”
“Do what?” Evan asked as he picked up his fork. “Something grown up I’m sure.”
“Buttsex.” Mikey sighed. “I know it’s buttsex. It’s always buttsex.”
“Oh…” Evan whispered. “For the record kissing your brother is the best thing you can do after kissing your puppy. Shame on you grandpa.”
“You make daddy very proud.” Dean smiled. “Very proud!”
--
Ethan’s first ride in his new truck didn’t last long but Dean was very impressed with his handling of it. It didn’t go very fast at all, but he picked up a little speed and made sure to start braking before he got too close to them. Ollie was still trying to run James over, but Ethan had come back because Evan was always letting him pet his puppy and he obviously wanted to share his truck.
“Hey, good looking.”
“Hi.” Evan laughed. “Do you like it?”
“It’s pretty awesome. Daddy, I’d like to take Evan on a date.” Ethan said. “To the tree and back.”
“Well, I don’t know.” Sam sighed. “What are your intentions?”
“Kissing when we’re sixteen, then babies after college. I’m gonna put so many babies in him!”
“Oh geez.” Evan blushed. “Ethan.”
“What?” Ethan asked. “I’m the little brother. That’s my job, right?”
“You have no idea.” Dean laughed. “Wow, it’s like looking at you when you were four years old.”
“Mmhmm.”
--
“Stop shoving me!” John said before he shoved Sam back. “Why are you such a bitch!”
“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!”
--
Sam smiled and started measuring out the rest of his ingredients while Dean squatted down next to the playpen. Milo was still reading his book and actually sighed before looking over after Dean poked him a few times to get his attention. Mary, as always was very attentive especially when Dean was telling story and they both seemed to enjoy the epic tale of Daddy’s jewels which were as nice as grandma’s but bright blue in color. If he wrote it as a book he knew it would be another bestseller, but Dean didn’t think the public would be as interested to hear about his blue balls as Mary and Milo were.
--
“That’s what you’re wearing?” Sam asked. “Seriously?”
“What’s wrong with it?”
“Uh…it’s a gay wedding. I’d like everyone to still be gay tomorrow.”
--
“Daddy, what do you think she’s thinking?” Mikey asked as he looked back. “When it was painted and right now.”
“Um…” Sam said before he cleared his throat. “At the time I’m sure she was thinking about getting her portrait painted and right now she’s probably thinking about what a bunch of handsome admirers she has.”
“She wants me.”
“Dad.” Sam sighed. “No, she doesn’t.”
“Yeah, she does, she wants me so bad.”
“Gwampa, is a Mona Lisa.” Ollie said. “Is not a Milton Larry, sheesh.”
--
All the rich smells of delicious food were wafting through the air and just begging him to come a little closer for a taste. Everything smelled so incredible, but Dean was going to be happy with his coffee and croissants at least for another hour or so then he was going to find some hot meat and once he was done with Sam he was going to look for lunch.
--
The queen’s bedchamber made the king’s look downright dowdy. Henri told them the room was exactly as it had been when Marie-Antoinette left during the French Revolution in 1789. Sam thought that was kind of creepy because that was well over two hundred years ago and he was wondering if their house might be a museum one day. If that happened he was going to have to empty out the sock drawer before he died just to be on the safe side.
--
“It’s fantastic.” Sam sighed. “I love Marie-Antoinette.”
“What’s her whole deal, Sammy?”
“Well.” Sam said as he clapped his hands together. “Marie-Antoinette is basically the French version of me.”
“She was a bossy power bottom with a ten inch dick too!”
“My goodness.” Henri gasped. “You’re a bottom, Mr. Michaels?”
“Oh, God no.” Sam blushed. “But when I do bottom I’m a power bottom. I top even when I’m getting fucked.”
“And why don’t you question him having a ten inch dick?” Dean asked. “Shouldn’t that be more shocking?”
“Not at all.”
Henri looked out the door and then reached into his pants to pull up the band of his underwear. They were Armani which Sam complimented him on because clearly he preferred the finer things in life.
--
Sam had already sucked on the bright red candy for a second and Dean was almost positive it was sweeter since it had already been in his mouth. While he licked and sucked at it Sam had the naughtiest little grin on his face. It would have looked a lot naughtier if his face wasn’t so tear stained, but Dean could still tell he was about to suggest something nasty and therefore fantastic.
“What are you thinking?”
“Nothing.”
“Sammy come on.” Dean said as he stood up. “So far this week we’ve had sex a million times, been in each other’s bodies, you peed in me, and we did sex in public. You can tell me.”
“I’m shy!” Sam said before he put the ring back in his mouth. “Bashful!”
“You wanna put that big candy ring in my ass, don’t you?”
Sam nodded like he was ashamed of himself and Dean tried to pretend like he was annoyed and disgusted but he was too turned on. He helped Sam up from the ground and then they walked back to the limo to thank Henri for a wonderful evening after promising to invite him to their next wedding.
When they were in the back of the limo Dean undid his belt, unzipped his pants and let Sam push the RingPop into his cute little hidey hole. It actually made Sam giggle and as soon as he pulled it out he popped it back in his mouth. He was a nasty boy and Dean officially had something to talk to Alex about on Monday.
--
Dean smiled. “Joe, your ass looks so nice and tight in that camo, I wanna pound your hole!”
“You know what’s sad?”
“What?”
“That’s so not the first time Superman has said that to GI Joe.”
Dean laughed and then Alex did too when Superman pounded Joe like the cheap whore he was, like all men in the service, particularly Marines. Spiderman got in on it next and then they invited one of the Ninja Turtles over for a little more hot plastic action.
--
Carol said. “My meeting was today for PFLAG. Last month we took nominations for the new president this year and…and…I can’t even say it.”
“Is it a bad word grandma?” Ethan asked. “Is it shit?”
“Ethan!” Sam whispered. “Don’t say that.”
“Is a fuck?”
“Ollie!”
“Wha? Is what a do to a duck.” Ollie said as he looked over at Dean and a thrusted his hips. “A fuck a duck.”
“When you’re eighteen!”
“Wha? Jeez.”
--
“Break a leg, baby.”
“What kind of clumsy bitch actually breaks a leg?” Dean asked. “Really?”
“Hmm. Just for that I’m going to sodomize you tonight and punch you in the back of the head the very moment I climax.”
“Shut the fuck up! Martha told me the same thing!”
--
“Oh, a know.” Ollie nodded seriously. “Maybe you take a walk to see Anfony. See wit a house over there? Is where a west of a dwama queen live. Tell ‘em you get da cwown!”
--
“This is ridiculous, you’re not going to just stop working. I didn’t raise Dean to raise you to just give up.”
--
"Now remember what I told you!"
"You don wan the Beans to be a bad boy!"
"Exactly! Your Deans likes good boys."
"Yeah." Ollie scoffed. "A so sure daddy Sammy is wit being good."
"Good point." Dean whispered. "Well, most of the time he is."
"I tell him to give you a butt, daddy!"
"Don't you worry about daddy! I'm gonna get a butt from him either way."
--
"Don't yell at Mikey you butt!" Ethan yelled. "Get a grip, daddy!"
"That's it! Come here! Over my knee!"
"Why?"
"Because I'm going to spank you!" Dean said. "That'll teach you to sass daddy!"
"Awesome!" Ethan said as he jumped off the sofa. "Evan, pay attention."
--
On the ride to school Ollie listed all the reasons why Sam should get a butt from and give a butt to John instead of Dean. The most obvious was that Ollie didn't give a Bzz what anyone did with John and Dean was his property. Also he try to explain to Sam that if they got rid of the contacts John would wear his glasses all the time which made him almost as good as Dean. Sam was in the front seat and Dean saw him roll his eyes about six times but eventually he crossed his fingers and promised that there would be no giving or getting butt from anyone except grandpa.
"Those fingers look good together like that, Sammy." Dean whispered. "Add that ring finger to the mix and you'll have one happy daddy on your hands…then face."
"Stop it." Sam blushed.
--
"[...] Should we all go to church tomorrow?"
"No, thank you." Ethan said. "It makes no sense to go somewhere that puts you to sleep as soon as you wake up."
"Hmm." Dean whispered. "Not how I would have put it, but I still have work to do on some enchilada costumes."
"Sammy?"
"Uh, I'm helping Dean." Sam laughed. "With the enchilada costumes."
"Am I the most boring priest in the world?"
"You're the most boring priest at this table." Evan said. "I don't know about the world, but it's a safe bet."
"When a say "And Jesus come down and smite a sinnahs!" The Beans hears "Waaaaaahnnnnkkk waaahhh waaahnkkk." Ya sound like Jawhead Quackalicky."
"I don't think Jesus ever smites sinners." Aaron whispered. "I…"
"And a say they shall be wit a smoten!"
"Beanie baby!" Dean laughed. "That's a very good impersonation of Aaron!"
"Wight!"
--
"I'm scared." James nodded. "I'm just scared."
"That's okay." Sam said. "You know what I do when I'm scared?"
"Fart a little and then blame it on the cat." James sighed. "Or whichever of your children happen to be closest."
"I…When…."
"Ah ha!" Dean yelled. "You're the worst father since dad! I knew there was no way Mary farted as often as you said she did!"
--
"Sammy, big brothers as a whole tend to be a lot smarter than little brothers. Isn't that right, Jason?"
"Oh, yes sir. That's why Michael's at Yale and I'm basically a day laborer."
--
"Your Beans wants a pwashooto wit a melon."
"Like all two year olds." Sam laughed. "Baby, if I can find proscuitto in this podunk town I will wrap a whole melon with it."
"Hey now!"
"Todd." Dean frowned. "It is a podunk town."
"I know, but still!"
--
"Let's just park behind this empty guest house…"
"I ain't poking you."
"I fart one time in nine years and you want to break up with me!"
"Don't be stupid." Sam laughed. "You ate four bowls of chili. No self respecting gay man would venture into your forbidden zone."
"I got other zones!"
"Fine, I'll fuck you in them big goofy ears."
--
"Wha! Don spit on a cupcake and say is fwosting!" Ollie screamed. "A shame, devil!"
--
"I…" Dean said before pausing. "Is that a new sweater?"
"I was cold this morning."
"Liar! Why must you test our love, Sammy?"
"My toe." Sam whispered. "Your butt."
"All is forgiven!"
"Thought so."
--
Dean sighed. "I sort of miss Aaron. I haven't been molested in a really long time."
"Well, that won't do."
"It's not the same when you do it, Sammy." Dean frowned. "You never get the catholic guilt right and you encourage me to tell dad after it's over."
"Oh, gimme another shot."
"Fine!"
"Call me Father Winchester."
"Sammy…"
"Blessed is the fruit of thy womb." Sam whispered. "Lead us directly into temptation and deliver us from sex with people not in our immediate family."
"Nasty!"
"You love it." Sam said before pausing.
--
"That was fantastic!" Sam laughed. "Very nicely done, Evan!"
"Thanks, daddy! I like singing, but sometimes I worry it might conflict with my dancing." Evan said and then paused. "But I guess you can write books and still be a highly paid wiener model."
"That's um…that's true…who said I was a wiener model?"
"Uh…" Evan whispered before playing with his hands. "I think I heard that when we were in France…someone on the internet, maybe...wienermodels.com/daddy."
"Did daddy say that?"
"Maybe…don't hit him daddy, he's so short!"
"Don't you worry, baby. I won't hit him even once!"
--
"Well, look who it is!" Ollie said once he noticed Aaron. "A guess a have time to see The Beans aftah a spend so much time makin' out wit a Jesus!"
"Ah." Aaron said after looking at his watch. "I've made it five minutes before hearing my first bit of blasphemy. A new record. Hey guys!"
"I bet Jesus is a top."
"Ethan!" Sam whispered. "I don't think that…"
"Clearly he is." Mikey added. "I heard that Aaron is what's refer to an as uberbottom, even worse than grandpa."
"Someone's more of a bottom than me?" John smiled. "Awesome!"
--
Craig smiled. "And just to let you know gay men like you have made it hard for me too."
"How so?" Porter asked. "I'd like to know."
"Well, on the way over here." Craig said before he leaned in to whisper. "A woman tried to insert me to cleanse herself vaginally because I guess she thought all gay men were douches…like you?"
"Okay." Dean chuckled. "Craig gets the best off the cuff insult."
"Thank you, Dean. I've actually been working on it since I heard he was here. Come on kids, let's go warm up."
--
"Well, I…A plastic banana! Thank you Milo!"
"Bwahdah!"
"This will ensure I get my daily requirement of plastassium!"
--
"Shh! Pst! Pbbt! Shhh!" Michael hissed. "Win-chest-ter, W as in 'Whip your ass.' I as in 'I'll whip your ass.' N as in 'No, don't move I'm going to whip your ass.' C as in 'Hey, Cun…'"
--
Sam knew that Dean wasn't going to stick to the five present rule, but he had been putting off making out with Jared for a pretty long time and it was Christmas, the season of making out with people who looked similar to you while other people watched. When Jared came into the bedroom ready to bring out more presents, Sam grabbed him by the front of his shirt and threw him up against the wall. He looked a little nervous at first but then he grinned and took it like a man before attempting to make Sam do the same.
While they were making out Jared tried his very best to gain the upper hand but Sam was a hell of a lot stronger. When Jared grabbed his ass, Sam grabbed his big hands and pinned them above his head which caused Jensen to audibly moan. Dean was hoping for a hell of a lot more, but Sam stopped it at that because Jared was thrusting into him like he was trying to get through to the other side.
--
The only thing better than being the most important person in the world was being the most important person in the world’s bitch. That was Dean’s own opinion to which he was completely entitled. If anyone had a problem with it, he had a dick they could suck, which was located in John’s pants since his own dick was Sam’s exclusive property. Dean wasn’t suggesting that Sam always was or always would be the most important person in the world, but on Saturday night it was the absolute truth. No one was going to argue with that and if they did Dean still had a handy dick which he kept in John pants for just such an occasion.
--
Dean being all sweaty in the pants gave Sam about fifty ideas and all of them ended with buttsex and ice cream.
--
"Now apparently Emmy, second assistant to the makeup artist, went to Jared's trailer around one in the morning because they were almost done with the scene and she wanted him to have first dibs on the food."
"Oh, so this was a premeditated." Dean said. "She seduced him."
"So it would seem, but when she got to the trailer, which was filled with smoke, she found Jared drunk off his ass. She even fondly recalls a wizard shaped bong on the coffee table in front of the sofa and gigantic bag of pot with Jared's name on it."
"I don't remember any of that…"
"Apparently not because Emmy is a lesbian, and she left when you tried to put the wrapper from a bite sized Snicker bar on your cock through your jeans so you could fuck her in the ass."
"Oh, boy." Dean whispered. "What an unlikely turn of events."
"Apparently you called her Jen-Bunny the entire time she was in there, which was less than two minutes."
"I had sex that night, I'm sure of it."
"We had sex before we went to eat." Jensen said as he shook his head. "Are you seriously telling me that we've been through all this and nothing happened?"
"No, I had sex with her, she was…she rode me and called me her cowboy."
"Wow." Dean said. "You are going to be sleeping on the sofa for the longes…"
"That was me."
"She had on boots."
"That was me."
"Jen." Jared whispered. "She told me I was making her puddy cat wet."
"That was me!" Jensen said again. "You cheated on me with me, you dumb piece of shit!"
--
The billboard was twice as big as the last one and at least ten times sexier. It was about sixty feet high and Sam was about fifty feet tall in it which proportionally made his jock about eight or so feet. Armani couldn't have picked the nice conservative black boxer briefs either. They had to go with the tiny white briefs which were a size too small and looked to be about two sizes too small. They were so tight and the shadows in the ad had been so heavily edited that Sam could clearly see the outline of his eight foot cock which was humiliating and incredibly gratifying at the same time.
"And to think I jacked off on his face last night."
"It's so…big!"
"Yeah, that goes in my butt." Dean nodded. "Right in the pooper."
"Do you think it's a little lewd?"
"You're selling underwear. It's supposed to be."
"I guess."
"You look really butch." Dean frowned. "You better get your bitch ass in the kitchen and bake me something tasty when we get home."
"Whatever you say, darling. You're the man."
"I'm the man!"
--
"Besides, look at all this stuff you bought! We're on vacation! I'm not eating fruits and…is that a giant sack of oysters?"
"Yep." Sam said as he stood up. "I hope there's a shucker at the house."
"Imma shuck you off as soon as I'm done with this sandwich."
--
After slicing one sandwich into eight pieces John passed them out and waited. The babies wanted nothing to do with them, but the rest of the kids at least tried it. Mikey made a little impressed noise and the twins knocked off all the olive salad before switching pieces which Sam completely expected. He also knew exactly how Ollie would react since the whole sandwich was basically a tribute to the glorious and tasty pig. His eyes rolled back in his head, he shuddered, swallowed, and then very calmly put his sandwich down.
"Well?" Dean asked. "How was it, baby?"
"Your Beans." Ollie panted. "Daddy, Your Beans is close."
"To what!"
"A don even know." Ollie whispered. "Is like getting hugged weal hawd…fwom a pig."
"Do you…"
"Shh shh shh." Ollie said as he pressed a finger to Dean's lips. "Ya don talk to me wight now. Ya keep a pwetty mouth shut and eat a Mufasa. Ya got a weal pwetty mouth, daddy. Yeah, ya do. I like that. Getting me hot."
"Amy totally jumped my bones after I took her to Central Grocery." Auden whispered. "Twice."
"Really?" Sam whispered back. "Here's hoping."
When Sam glanced back at Dean he looked completely naughty. Sam didn't want to get his hopes up but then Dean made a little ring with his thumb and index finger from his left hand, and rammed it through with two fingers from his right hand. Mikey ended up slapping him in the back of the head for being inappropriate, but Sam knew what it meant and he was really looking forward to it after he ate at least a half of a muffaletta himself.
--
After taking a deep breath and searching for the panel Dean slid open the pocket door and stepped into another world. The empty room had been completely transformed to look like something out of the sleaziest gay club in the world. The sling was in the middle of the room suspended from the ceiling and against one wall was a whole case of dildos that reminded Dean of those big variety bags of jellybeans. He spotted three cameras, two gigantic televisions, a small refrigerator, and shackles that were bolted to the wall. The only real furniture in the room was a shiny black leather chaise and a chair that would put someone at a very nice height when seated at the harness. Dean's embarrassment over Antony knowing just how kinky they could get suddenly didn't seem like that big of a deal, not when he knew what he was in for.
"Holy butt fucker." Dean whispered. "Seriously?"
"I don't appreciate your smartass comments about my peacock room."
"Whuh?" Dean asked before he looked back. "What are…oh…my…Jason."
"You'll speak when spoken to."
"Uh, okay and…Ow!"
In the few seconds while Dean had been checking out the room Sam had armed himself with a riding crop, removed his sweater, and slipped on a little black leather mask. When Dean spoke out of turn Sam smacked the shit out of him right across the handsome face with the riding crop. It stung like a bitch, brought tears to his eyes and wood to his jeans. Dean honestly couldn't remember the last time he had been so turned on, but he was pretty sure it involved a blowjob, a sexy dance, and maybe a thick sandwich.
--
"It's more important that this fucking…" Alex said before he paused. "Excuse me? Yes, I am aware that I've said fuck three times, sir. Your pain in the ass daughter screamed for nine straight hours and I could hear her in first class, so if you don't mind, please fuck the fuck off, fucker."
--
"What are you guys talking about?" Dean asked as he walked over with Mary. "What's going on?"
"Mikey just informed me that pretty soon he's going to be having lots of sex with chicks that play the clarinet."
"Mikey! Don't forget about the flute. They'll work too."
"Dean!"
"Right, right. Sweet bitches who can work the woodwind."
"Mikey." Sam said calmly. "Why would you want to date a…"
"Hit and run, daddy."
"Okay….why a girl who knows how to play the clarinet?"
"Daddy." Mikey sighed. "Because they're very, very classy. These bitches drink their juice boxes pinky up."
"Ah…okay. Go play. I have to call child services on your father."
--
Dean was borderline freaked out, but he took a deep breath and put on his brave big brother pants. They were a lot like his daddy pants, just a little tighter across the ass.
--
"They are so cute!" Sam said as he took a piece of pizza. "Daddy and I have decided to have fifteen more!"
"Absolutely not!" Ethan said as he hit the table with his fist. "Mikey is cute."
"Thank you." Mikey said. "Pretty sure this is going to be a backhanded compliment though."
"Evan and me are ten thousand times cuter."
"There it is!"
"Then Ollie came out and he's as fat as a pig."
"Ethan! A so sweet!"
"Then those two with the hair." Ethan said as he pointed at the babies. "And those little dresses. Now there's Buster who makes Mikey looks like a pile of garbage that a homo puked on and then set on fire."
"I am so going to kick your ass one day." Mikey whispered. "The day you turn thirteen. Kickassmas!"
--
"Okay, well, if you're not worried, I'm not."
"Good! Let's go win this hooker baby festival."
"Oh, he's cheating." Sam whispered. "He's totally cheating."
"Baby, if you consider that cheating then you're never allowed to take your shirt or pants off again outside of our bedroom."
"And what exactly does that mean?"
"It means you're a wonderful writer, the best of your generation."
"Thank you!"
"And you're also a hot piece of ass with a painfully thick dick."
"Huh…"
--
"Where's Sam?" Jared asked. "He'll know what to do. He can use the magics."
"He's s-i-c-k."
"Sick?"
"Whuh!" Milo yelled. "Who!"
"Um…Anthony is sick."
"Me, I don't care. More milk, mommy."
"Okay, baby." Dean said before he shook his head. "Don't repeat things I s-p-e-l-l, dumbass."
"Spill what?"
"Is spell." Ollie sighed. "Thank God ya pwetty in the wight lights."
--
To add insult to injury Sam did fetch and pen and a pad before jamming his entire arm elbow deep up a turkey's ass. If memory served, and it did, Dean had been asking for the same treatment for quite a few years and four fingers was Sam's limit. The damned turkey was getting more action than him and that just pissed Dean off. He thought about saying something, but then Sam shoved his other arm up inside another turkey. That was the main problem with having a huge family, at least once a year Dean had a double reminder that no one was willing to fist him.
--
"Sorry." Sam said before he narrowed his eyes. "I'm so deep inside this turkey I may never find my way out…"
"Hey!"
"God, he's so tight." Sam whispered. "Look at me flex my massive forearms. I could split him in half if I wanted to."
"Okay." Ollie sighed. "Are we still talkin' 'bout a turkey? Mikey!"
"Good idea." Dean said. "Go get Mikey to draft some plans for your pigs. I need to talk to daddy about the stuffing."
"I like stuffin', daddy!"
"I like stuffing daddy too."
-- Mikey 'Verse by bitchandjerk, (Sam/Dean, John/OFC (later John/Mary/OFC), OC pairings, kidfic, Winbrothers)