Freud and his Friends - 4 - Session 6
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"Good morning."
"Morning."
"So how are things?"
"Shitty as usual."
"What happened?"
"He's leaving for a camp-out with all of our friends this weekend. Without me."
"Why aren't you going?"
"I can't! I have a house I need to finish and submit on Sunday! I have clients waiting. It's bloody impossible to postpone!"
"And you are upset because he is going without you. I assume you told him how you feel about it?"
"Of course I did! He's still going! He said that I'll be busy with the house, so I won't even notice he's missing. And that he doesn't see why a couple of days apart are such a big problem - he leaves for Auror training all the time. And his friends haven't seen him in a while, and he'd like to catch up. And then he said that he'd be happy if I could join the camping. I don't even know where to start listing all that is wrong with what he said!"
"Start at the top."
"Okay. One - of course I'll notice he's missing. But that's not the point; the point is that he shouldn't go camping without me. He shouldn't want to. Aren't we supposed to be a couple? Two - him leaving for Auror field training is a big deal as well. He goes so often I wander if he just likes doing it, and being without me. No other trainee leaves as often. I know - I asked around. Every other week is too much. And when I confronted him he said that it is his duty. Unconvincing. It's other people's duty too, you don't see them doing it so often. They find balance between work and life. He doesn't know there is supposed to be balance."
"He is a rather prominent figure in our world, and he is more powerful than many others. It could be that there is more pressure on him to train more."
"I know. There is. It's just he doesn't even seem to mind it. I listen to the things he describes sometimes, and enough of them are close to pointless. He could draw the line at those, but he doesn't. Is it not worth it?"
"One other possibility could be that he started to avoid being home too often since things are strained."
"Probably. Except I don't care! He should be home at least some of the time! Why did he propose then? Isn't it supposed to be 'for better or worse?'"
"True. I think it would be more beneficial to the session if we changed pace for a while." With that the Dr. went about preparing some tea and coffee for Draco and himself. "One sugar, right?"
"Yes. Thank you."
"Now, do you remember we said it was worth tracing your relationship to see if we can pinpoint more clearly the cause for the changes?"
"Yes."
"Would you mind if we tried it now?"
"No, it's fine."
"Good. How did you meet?"
"Just before our first year at Hogwarts. At Madame Malkin's."
"And how did things go?"
"Badly. He later told me he though I was the most stuck up child he'd met so far. And I did manage to insult his first friend even before we were introduced. Almost prophetic, wouldn't you say?"
"Not really. I don't think it's wise to see relationships in terms of prophesies and destinies. It takes away any responsibility and power from the people involved, and it leaves little hope for change." The therapist smiled, "I wouldn't be what I am, if I didn't think things could be changed by people's actions. So you were saying?"
'Huh...' "Well, we didn't hit it off. And later that day he rejected me completely when I offered him my friendship. In quite an insulting way, actually."
"The offer or the rejection?"
"The rejection. It didn't help that he was the first person to ever reject me. I am a Malfoy after all. And then he got sorted into Gryffindor - the worst house in the school, well, maybe rivaled by Hufflepuff. So I felt I had the full justification to make his life miserable at school. I think it worked nicely, too. You don't want a Malfoy as your enemy, even if it is a very young Malfoy." He smiled. "Things seemed so simple those days."
"And when did it change?"
"I would say at the end of fifth year, really. He got my father arrested, and I went from despising him to hating him. And then I saw him on the station in the beginning of the year, and I couldn't believe how I loathed him. He still had his posse, and that then some, and Ginny was clinging to his leg like a puppy, and people were staring with admiration - as usual, but worse this time - since Voldemort was back, and he was their hope for salvation, and he finally looked like he'd grown into his whole 'hero' image. Confident, grave, no more slumped shoulders, no more shyness, just straight forward determination. I, on the other hand was treated like a leper by most of the people there. Even some Slytherins considered me unbeneficial to associate with. It was like he's taken part of what was supposed to be mine. So I did what I could to remind him what he did wrong - how he caused death, even his parent's death."
"Did it work?"
"Not by a long shot! He blocked most things I said, like I wasn't important enough anymore. As if I didn't even exist in his world."
"I'm guessing it didn't feel good."
"Not at all. I used to be a Malfoy, and it used to mean that I had the respect and fear of the people around me, that I had a set place in the world, and that if there was something wanted, I had the right to reach out and get it; moreover, it should have been offered to me. And it was like Harry set something in motion when he first rejected me - he robbed me of all these things starting from simply saying no. He took so much away from me - almost everything; because he didn't give me what was mine the first time - I Draco Malfoy goes as far as to offer you friendship, you accept, gratefully. It's a great gift, a great honor, and he changed all that.
So I hated him. Which snapped into something very different a few months into school year. Hate-sex - nothing like it."
"Can you tell me how it 'snapped' exactly?"
"We were fighting. It was the first time I finally got him to react, he really fought me. We had an all-out brawl in the entrance hall right after lunch, and the teachers had to stun us both to stop us. So that evening after detention I sought him out (he had detention with MacGonnagall till ten, so I knew I could catch him on the way to the Gryffindor Tower) and picked up from where we left off. I think I could have killed him that night if we really fought again, but he was back to his 'I have more important things in my life than you, Malfoy' pose - the one he had from the year's start, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I've spent two months doing everything I could think of to hurt him, pushing every button I could find, finally got him where it hurts enough to attack, and he was back to his uncaring bastardly self in less than a day! So I tried rousing him again, and at some point said something about him being a gutless pouf. It was a really more like a side thing than the insult, but he zeroed in on it, and had the balls to ask if I was so angry because I couldn't have a piece myself. And that he wouldn't do a 'trash' like me if his life depended on it, so why did I think it was my place to comment on his sexual orientation. Anyway, I showed him how it was my place."
"It was just about showing him, then?"
"Yes. Showing that I did have a place, and that I did have a right, and that I could never, ever, be ignored. I took all what was mine out of him, the very first thing to took from me - I made him recognize who I was, and I made sure he couldn't say 'no, thank you' this time." He smiled, "God, that was good sex."
"What came next? What changed it into what you have now?"
"Well, you see it worked. I set things back in the 'right' direction - he couldn't bring himself to ignore me now. All of a sudden we fought every day, every word I said worked him up, and his friends couldn't hold him from a fight. We got a few more detentions, when we were caught by the teachers - which was often because I enjoyed taunting him in public, breaking every pose he had. And after one of the detentions he sought me out. He tried to get 'this thing' over, and say that things weren't going to go on like that. He officially warned me to stay out of his way."
"How did you react?"
"I made sure to reinforce the first lesson he got. It was easier this time. He knew what I was trying to do, but that knowledge made him weak - he got turned on, too. It progressed from there. I fucked him, then he fucked me - when he stopped lying to himself that he wasn't interested. And, you see, it's really hard to wage war in the afterglow, so sometimes you might even talk afterwards. That's pretty much how we got together."
"Your sex drive was functioning well then?"
"Oh, yes."
"And when you moved on from hate-sex to more amiable relationship, did it still function at the same level?"
"Yes. Absolutely."
"When did you decide you were in love?"
"The summer of that year. Not seeing him proved too much. I owled saying I loved him by the end June. He told me before, when we were still in school."
"How did you react?"
"I think I said 'thank you.'"
"And how did you feel?"
"Bit flattered, I guess. I remember I didn't feel much at all. Just nothing. It wasn't a surprise, it's Harry we're talking about, he couldn't not fall in love once he really got going. That's just him."
"Interesting. You felt no satisfaction? No Joy? No horror?"
"No. I felt… satisfaction… earlier. When I already knew I got him. The first two months I think I was very satisfied. I knew what I wanted to get and I got it. Just as a Malfoy should."
"So you wanted him before hand?"
"I'm sure I must have."
"From what you said, Mr. Potter was something you wanted, and having sex finally got him for you."
"Well, yes. I wanted a lot from him - first year in. I didn't just go offering my hand to every boy I met."
"No, I wouldn't think that. When the satisfaction of having him dissipated, what took its place?"
"Anticipation, interest,… and I did enjoy feeling naughty and doing something so impossible. Harry Potter - wow, he was like the forbidden fruit for a Malfoy. Of course I was probably the same for him."
"I think we may have found one of the major components of your relationship."
"That being?"
"The lure of the forbidden."
Draco smiled. "Yes, probably."
"Well, since our time is drawing to a close, I think we should continue with this next time."
"Sure."
"I do hope you do something nice for yourself over the weekend. Just enjoy your alone-time, and try to relax."
"I will."
"Good. Have a good week, Draco."
"You too, Dr. Carring."
"Frank."
"Frank." With that and a smile, Draco left.
TBC.