Freud and his Friends - 6 - Session 7
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"Hello Draco."
"Good morning Frank."
"So how are you?"
"Good, actually. You?"
"As well, thank you. What is so good?" The therapist was smiling, Draco smiled back.
"I don't know. I had a bit of a break down over the weekend, but it turned out okay. It released some steam."
"What was the break down about?"
"Hm… hard to define, really. Some of it about being alone, without him, some of it about how I feel about him."
"Which is?"
"I love him, obviously. But I think I'm sabotaging my relationship with him."
"In what way?"
"I'm testing it - how much can it take, how far can it stretch."
"Testing him."
"Yes."
"Why, do you think, you feel the need to test him?"
"… I have no idea."
"Try. Any ideas?"
"… No. Really."
"Tests are usually needed when one is not sure about the results."
"… Are they? I suppose there is something in that."
"And?"
"If it's about the results, then I hope he will stay, and prove that he loves me."
"Is it about the results?"
"No. I don't know."
"Let's try to define this. You think you are testing him and your relationship. But you are not sure if your interest is in the results. Right?"
"Yes."
"For any testing to be successful it has to be clearly defined. Its purpose and questions, the subject tested, the strategy employed, what would be the acceptable answer and what would mean that further investigation is needed… Can you define these things in what you're doing?"
"As far as the strategy goes, the way I'm doing it is straining his patience and seeing how far I can bug him."
"Is he the test subject?"
"Yes and no. I'm testing myself as well."
"For?"
"…How good I am."
"At what?"
"At keeping him. Can I keep him faced with all of these… wounds I'm inflicting. And am I worth it in the long run."
"Are you worth for him to stay with you."
"Yes."
"Why would you doubt yourself and him in the first place?"
"Because I'm stupid?"
"But you are not. That much was always clear. So why are you not sure about yourself, your worth, your relationship?"
"I didn't know I was."
"And now?"
"Maybe because I don't always know if what I did was enough to stay with him."
"Could you explain?"
"I am the son - the heir - of a Death Eater. A very prominent and loyal Death Eater. I'm was Slytherin. I have never been a nice person. Or a brave one, or a loyal one. I wasn't good enough at eleven, and I sure as hell wasn't good enough for the next five and a half years. Even when we got together it wasn't because of some great appreciation for our respective qualities, it wasn't because we liked each other, quite the opposite."
"And now? Don't things change?"
"They seem to. But we never outright sat down and figured these things out. I didn't even see they were there until now, myself. We talked about sex, love, hiding what was happening from his enemies, about how who I am could endanger us, from the outside, not about how it can ruin things from inside of me. The closest we got to that discussion would be when we talked about me having to get along with his friends."
"Do you get along with them?"
"Yes, we've been on friendly terms for a while now, you could even consider us friends."
"You like them?"
"Sure, why not. They are good people. But it's not like I have a choice in the matter. There are things that come with being with Harry Potter."
"Such as?"
"His friends, for one. He's very loyal. But many other things as well. He stands for all that is good and pure in the world. He is the living proof that the good will triumph. He hates it when people just see him in these terms, but he is still that. I don't know how he managed to stay so pure considering what he has been through, but while he isn't innocent he is truly good. And there is no way around it. I think I figured what I got into at some point, and that if we were to stay together, I would have to change certain things. Mend my Slytherin ways, so to speak."
"And you did."
"I did. Believe me, you wouldn't have liked me before. I was obnoxious."
"How so?"
"Well, for example, last night, when I had that little breakdown, I really wanted to speak with you. But it was late at night, and I didn't think it would be right to bother you like that."
"Thank you."
"Before, the consideration wouldn't have even crossed my mind. And I'm much more polite now. Things like that. I don't think that people are beneath me now, and I don't act so. I'm all nice and cuddly now."
"Like a kneasel?"
"Yes." He chuckled.
"And you like being a kneasel?"
Draco was stumped for a moment. "I'm not exactly a kneasel."
"No, you're right. For a second the description just reminded me of one. But there is something there that welcomes further discussion. I think we will return to it later. Tea?"
"Yes, thank you."
"…So, would you say that you are a better person now?"
"Yes, some of the changes I've made were necessary, unless I planned to inherit all of my father's legacy."
"And other changes? Like Harry's friends?"
"As I said, I knew at some point what I got into. There is no Harry without his friends. But he also gets along with my friend - Blaise. Harry's being fair in this. What else can he be, he's Harry Potter."
"Do you think he's being fair because he's Harry Potter or because he loves you?"
"Because he is Harry Potter in a relationship. He does the right thing for the one he's with. It could be someone else in my place and he would still make the effort. Getting into my place isn't easy, but once you're there, it's all covered."
"Is that a bad thing?"
"No. It's a good thing, and he's a good person, and would do anything for me - out of the big things. But it's so…"
"So what?"
"So… pointless. I know in my mind that it isn't, not really, he would give his life for me, I don't know anyone else that would. But he would give his life for so many people. That's just who he is. I doesn't mean anything special about me. And I do wonder if I will ever be able to say that he would do something for me because he selfishly wants me. I get his attention, his patience, his love, but so do enough other people. Am I special to him, though?"
"What do you think?"
"There are things which make me think that I am - he told me about his relatives and childhood, he I was the one to pick up the pieces when he would break down. But then, Hermione and Ron know most of it as well. And again, did he tell me these things because I'm me, or because it's the thing to do when getting into a serious relationship?"
"But he chose to get into a serious relationship with you."
"Remember how we got together? It was almost an accident, and once we got going, I don't think his morals would let him not be in love with me."
"What would be enough proof that it's about loving you and not about being Harry Potter?"
"I have no idea. Is there a way to really test it?"
"You seem to be trying to it already."
"But it isn't working. The way things are, he won't be able to show it. And I'll just drive us apart."
"Very true. But if it' not the way to test him, perhaps you should stop doing it and look for other - more productive and less destructive ways to do it?"
"I should be. You're right."
"Let me ask this, when you said you were being nice and considerate to people now, wouldn't you say that there is one prominent exception to that rule?"
"Harry."
"Yes. The one person for whom you changed doesn't get to reap the benefits of the new you."
"That's… true. Well, he gets some of the benefits. Especially before. I do listen to him, and I try to be considerate. It just doesn't… work well anymore."
"But right now who would you say gets the better treatment from you - Harry, his friends, your friends, me, anyone else?"
"Okay, not Harry."
"You think you can change that?"
"I'll do what I can."
"Okay. Now, before you go, let us recap."
"Lets."
"You were testing your relationship, your partner and yourself. The main issue behind the test is that you are unsure about whether you're special for your partner. True?"
"Yes."
"The testing isn't affective because there is no way it can prove to you that you are special. It is also destructive."
"Yes."
"So, you will try to cease that kind of unhelpful testing."
"Yes."
"When will Mr. Potter return from his trip?"
"This afternoon."
"I think you should choose some time in the next couple of days and discuss this. Make sure he understands it's a serious conversation, and don't let it slip into another fight. Don't let him get defensive and don't go there yourself. Tell him about the things that are bothering you and causing you to doubt him. Take these things into the open. See what he has to say, and what he feels about what is going on with you."
"I will."
"Now, as for the reason of the tests, I think we need to discuss it further. You have made significant changes in your personality in order to be with your partner. But that is never a good enough reason for a change, and it didn't give you the security in your relationship that you were aiming for with your changes. That we will leave for the next session. Now, did you get any pampering this weekend?"
"Oh, yes. I did. It was lovely."
"Good. Have a good week Draco."
"You too, Frank. Thank you."
"You're welcome."
TBC.