Freud and his Friends - 7 - session 8
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"Good morning Draco."
"Good morning Frank."
"How was your week?"
"Mixed. I've been thinking about what you said, and it actually improved our relationship. And I feel guilty sometimes that I mistreated him like that."
"And Harry himself?"
Draco smirked. "He couldn't be giddier."
The Doc smiled. "Really?"
"Well, he did get that look of 'what's going on', but since it's good so far he seems to be relaxing."
"Good."
"Yes."
"But you said 'mixed'?"
"I did. You see, I've been also thinking about the sex thing. At least unconsciously."
"And?"
"The bugger is that I had the most interesting, deviant, dream, and then I woke up and had the most boring sex."
"I can see where that would be annoying."
"Me too. I should have never woken up."
"That good?"
"Yeah."
"Want to tell me about it?"
"Mmm… I was in a meadow and there were snakes all around me, and I was waiting for the snake king to arrive, I just knew he's supposed to show up. And I was absolutely naked in the grass that reached my waist, and I knew it was because the king willed it so. And then he showed up and I remember not being able to move one he looked into my eyes - hypnotized like a mouse. I don't think I could even breath much when he was looking at me. He whispered some spell and I stopped being afraid and got so turned on… I lay back on the grass and the snakes crawled around me, touching my skin, tasting me, rubbing me. And then the king was upon me and he took me, and I could barely move, just welcome him, arch into him, but nothing more because I was in such a haze from the spell I felt like my mind was buried somewhere beneath the snakes, and I couldn't get clear headed enough to decide to make some move. And then the snaked turned into men and they stood around us and watched as the king took me… And let me tell you, a guy that turns his tongue into a snake inside you doesn't need a spell to keep me from fighting."
"That's an interesting dream."
"It is… God, he kept it up for hours, and I could do nothing. And the snakes just looked on through everything… I think it was some sort of a wedding ceremony."
"Was the king someone you know?"
"No. He reminded me of Harry, but he was bigger, muscular, taller, more confident. Scarier. Powerful."
"Was it better than with Harry normally?"
"It was better than with anyone. But it was a dream."
"What happened after the dream?"
"I woke up too early - the dream wasn't over yet, and I tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't; and then I realized that I had Harry there and could make things even better by having some real sex now. Which I tried. And it was just - the usual. Normal, boring, strait-laced. Nice."
"Hate it when that happens," the doc said with exaggerated feeling.
Draco smiled. "Don't you just?"
"What happened after the sex?"
"I was bummed, and kicked him out of bed. I don't think he knew what happened. He just left early for the training - ran away, that coward."
"Well, from his stand point, one minute you threw all this attention at him - woke him up to make love, and the next minute you're throwing him out of bed."
"I know. But he's still annoying."
"Did you indicate in some way the kind of sex you wanted at that time?"
"Well, it's a bit difficult to do when the kind of sex I want involves being so submissive that I wouldn't be in the state to give instructions on it. I tried, you know, guiding him a bit in that direction but he was so gentle then. He thought I just wanted him to do all the work, love me, etc."
"And the turn on in the dream was the forced submission."
"Yes."
"Can you tell me exactly which elements turned you on in the dream?"
"Well, the submission, and the spell, and the fact that the sex was about something. That guy knew exactly what he wanted and there was some reason for having sex. It was bonding. Basically it about more than sex. And I liked that there were spectators. I don't know if it means I like an audience in general or because it was part of the purpose behind the sex."
"And with Harry there is no reason?"
"Yes. It's more like: 'You're here, I'm here, we're in a relationship, so let's.' It's like eating because there are fruit on the table."
"Has it always been this way?"
"No, of course not. It was divine when we were in school. The fruit weren't on the table, for one. And in the very beginning, God, there was a reason alright. So many reasons."
"You realize that 'You're here, I'm here, we're in a relationship, so let's,' development is natural in mort established relationships."
"Yes," he said dejectedly, "but I don't want it to be like that. That's not enough for me."
"That's true. I haven't seen many couples where this development lead to actual impotency, and in such a short period of time. Which makes me think that there might be more to it."
"Like what?"
"Can you think of any reason?"
"That he annoys me?"
"That. And the why of it."
"But I have no idea why."
"You don't."
"…No."
"Very well, then, let's return to the discussion of sex for now. When you tried games in the bedroom, did it still feel as pointless?"
"No. It was better. But…"
"Yes?"
"The games didn't feel real enough. I get these… urges sometimes, fantasies, but not just something you imagine when you wank off, more like things I actually want to do. And they can be a bit extreme sometimes."
"Can you give me an example?"
"Cutting, raping, opening him up to look inside, or on the other side being the subject of the same. I don't want just games, I want something so much further than that. And I want Harry to be there with me every step of the way. I want him to want it too."
"Did you try communicating what you want to Harry?"
"I did a few times. But he's so… wholesome. After the relationship picked up it… he shifted it into something that was about loving… and 'making love isn't fucking'. And while some games can be there, taking them as far as I want just doesn’t fit into it."
"You said 'he shifted it into something'. Did you have no say in it?"
"I had, of course. I just… it was what he needed, and I wanted to give him that, and it seemed right - relationships should be like that, right?"
"Who says?"
"…I don't know… everyone?"
"Do you say so?"
"I would, except that it doesn't work for me. Which probably says more about me than about everybody else being wrong."
"Who is everybody?"
"Harry, Hermione, the Weasleys, Harry's parents - at least in Harry's mind… Examples of other relationships are with the 'wrong' people. My parents, Sev, Blaize's mother… The examples which you aren't supposed to follow. At least not while being on the light side, right?"
"On which side do you put yourself? The light disciples or the 'wrong' people?"
"God, I don't think I've been managing well enough to be on the right side."
"Again, who says it's the right side? This is not war, this is just relationships. Who decided what you can do without being the 'wrong' kind of person? Trust me, you haven't crossed any special limits. You're not even close. You want Harry to want it too. You didn't go out and rape some innocent victim. You just want certain things in your personal sex life, things for which you want your partner's consent. And so far you’re fighting it so hard that you haven't even tried to do it the way you really want."
"But I did rape an innocent victim. I raped him. And sometimes I want to again."
"How do you feel about having raped him?"
"Horrible. And happy. And that's the problem, isn't it? I'm not supposed to be glad about it."
"What makes you feel happy about it?"
"It got us together didn't it? Where would we be if I didn't do it? And I can't put the fact that it's a bad thing I did with the fact that he's with me after it? How am I supposed to judge it? He'd have to be as fucked up as me."
"And if he is, than what would be the problem?"
"But he isn't - he changed us into something good and loving, something I could have never done myself. So he's not as fucked up, he's better than that, and I'm not."
"And what does that mean for you?"
"That I need to be better to be with him. It's supposed to me a good thing when you better yourself for love. And I got just the set up - I'm trying to be better. I'm already better now, I'm in a loving relationship, I'm nicer than I used to be, I got friends that aren't Death Eaters, I actually got friends, that's a new thing already."
"Except that you're not happy, you're constantly annoyed, you're almost impotent, you're ruining your relationship with Harry, and you fantasize about conquering, raping, etc."
"Yes."
"And that puts you firmly into the 'wrong' people category."
"Yes."
"Why did you change Draco? Specific reasons."
"For Harry. To be good."
"Was guilt part of it?"
"Yes."
"Where do you take your definition of good from?"
"Harry, mostly. But it's an unsaid definition. It's just floating around, everybody knows it."
"If we took out Harry and guilt out of the equation, would you change?"
"No. There would have been no push for me to do so."
"Did you like who you were before Harry?"
"I was horrible."
"Perhaps, but at the time did you like being you?"
"Most parts of it. There were some things in the old me that I didn't like. I'm glad I'm not a DE now, and I was so busy relying on my father and my family status that I forgot to be a person sometimes. Now I work, I'm on my own, if you like me you like me for me."
"And you don't use being with Harry Potter the same way you used being Lucius Malfoy's son?"
"You know, the two situations are similar - the people who used to dislike me because of being a Malfoy now dislike me for corrupting The-Boy-Who-Lived, but again, in both cases most are too scared of who I'm with to go against me."
"So it's the same."
"I don't use it though. The good Draco isn't the kind of person to use his boyfriend to threaten people. I try to make it on my own merit."
"Good. And how about getting so caught up in being a Malfoy, or in this case - Harry Potter's Draco, that you loose sight of actual Draco?"
"I don't know. Is it? The same?"
"You tell me. How are the situations different? But you'll have to take that assignment with you, I'm afraid we don't have any time left today."
"Oh."
"I hope you think about the difference. And don't worry about being the 'wrong' person just yet - there are things there that need to be talked about. Trust me as a professional - you're not on the 'wrong' side."
"O.k. Thank you Dr. Carring."
"You're welcome Draco. I'll see you soon."
TBC.