Song of Autumn (3/4)

[spokes_man]

“How is he?” As soon as I came back to the living room after helping Yoochun to bed, Yunho asked me.
“Sleeping. He was exhausted.” I walked up to him and let myself fall beside him, instantly grabbing his hand and resting my head on his shoulder. “I can’t believe all this...,”
“Yeah, me neither.”

When Changmin and I entered the flat, after meeting on our way back from the university, we couldn’t believe what we were hearing. We stood there for a while, in silence, not sure if we could interrupt, but wanting to hear everything. I still couldn’t really accept it all.

“What are we going to do?” I asked Yunho.
“What do you mean?”
“Junsu... they have him,” My heart clenched in pain imagining our Junsu there, back in that nightmare-inducing place, alone.
“... I have no idea,” Yunho caressed my fingers, and I felt his anxiety on his every movement. “For the first time in my life... well, of what I thought was my life, I don’t know what to do anymore.” I looked at him, squeezing his hand and kissing his cheek. He looked so vulnerable. I’m sure we all did.
“Yes, this is too much...,” Silence engulfed us. TV was off, only a small light on the kitchen and the city lights entering from the open door of the balcony illuminated us. Changmin was out in the balcony, sorting his mind, surely. It all was so weird, so difficult to believe... “Do you feel like Yoochun betrayed us?”
“... I don’t know. He was going to be left alone, or even killed. We were kids... Who knows, maybe I would have done the same.” Yunho talked in a low tone.
“Yeah... but then, growing up... can you imagine how he felt knowing what he knew and seeing us everyday? … gods, he’s been so strong...,”
“Our silly Yoochun... suffering like this...,”
“Hyungs... I’m going to bed,” Changmin came in from the balcony and closed the door “I’m not sleepy but... well... I want to lay down.”
“Sure, Min, don’t worry.” Yunho answered. I could almost physically feel his need to go and hug his brother.
“... Junsu... he will be ok, right?” The always sure and strong Changmin suddenly appeared young and vulnerable in front of us. It was me the one who stood up, walked up to him and embraced him. Changmin’s arms came around me instantly.
“He will be ok. We will do everything we can to help him, right?”
“... yeah, right.” He squeezed me. One second later, I could feel a new pair of arms embracing us both.
“Everything will be all right. We just need to think things carefully,” Yunho’s voice was strong and manly, suddenly his reassuring and brave self again, giving us hope. I felt Changmin nodding, and we pulled away. Our youngest looked at us both, and nodded again.
“Thank you, hyungs. Good night.”

We stood there, in the middle of the living room, in silence. Yunho’s arms came around my waist, his chin on my shoulder. My eyes closed, my body leaning against the support Yunho was offering, physically and mentally too. I could feel his determination, his sudden strength. I could feel his protection all around me.

“We are going to help him.” His voice breathy, but sharp.
“How?”
“We know the place. Well, you do, you remember it. We are adults now.”
“Sure...,”
“We will go there. We will enter, we will get Junsu, and we will go. And run away. And hide, somewhere, where they will never find us.”
“... it’s so dangerous... I know we have to do it. I know nobody else is going to help us, but... fuck Yunho, I’m so scared.” A kiss on my neck, and then he turned me around. His warm long hands caressing my face, raising it until my eyes looked into his.
“I am scared too. This is just too big. I was a normal student not that much days ago, and suddenly I’m a human lab rat who holds the possible cure to humankind’s extermination.” I gulped.
“Do you think so? Do you think we really are the cure to all those problems?” It was something that had been bugging me all that time.
“What?”
“I mean... what if by sacrificing ourselves, we could save everybody else? What if we really could help cure all the shit happening to people?”
“Jaejoong...,”
“Aren’t we egoists, trying to run away from it?”
“... I don’t know. Maybe we are.” Yunho hugged me tightly, his arms shaking “But I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to die, and I don’t want to see you die. Why do I have to?”
“Yun... this is too much” I cried softly. I was never a person who easily cried, I remember always holding my tears and thinking everything had a solution. But this was just too much. I didn’t know if I was right, or wrong. If fighting for my life and my friends’ lives was the correct thing to do, or if I had to sacrifice myself for the greater good. Was I a bad person for wanting to live? Was I someone to be condemned for not wanting to give up my life for others? I felt horrible being myself, I felt horrible for not wanting to give up, for not wanting to die for anybody. I felt sorry. And I cried in Yunho’s arms, and he cried in mine. We were saying sorry, we were crying for forgiveness, because I know we both thought the same: no, we are not giving up. No, we are not dying. Yes, we are going to get Junsu back and we are going to run away. Sorry, world. Sorry.

Next morning. Here is where we stand now.

The plan is so simple I can’t believe it. I pace up and down the living room while the other three discuss how to proceed, since they remember how the facility and the laboratories look like, but not I. It’s kind of frustrating, not being able to help, so I made up my mind to do my best during the ‘mission’.

According to plan, we are going to drive there on Yoochun’s car, park on the woods outside the perimeter of the laboratories’ facilities, and walk all the way to the main building. They said it’s going to be a long walk, but there are no fences and minimum surveillance in that area: a couple of surveillance cameras on the back entrance of the building, and if we aren’t lucky, guards patrolling around the building. We crossed our fingers and are counting on luck not abandoning us.

On the way there, Yoochun driving, Changmin sitting next to him, and Jaejoong and I on the back. We are refining the plan’s details. It is dangerous to let Jaejoong enter the labs, since he is highly recognizable with his hair and eyes, so after all his protests we’ve just convinced him to wait for us in the car, ready to drive away at any second. Changmin will come with me, cause I still can’t remember anything, and Yoochun will go on his own.

The car is as noisy and big and horrible as all other cars are, so we thought it’s best to park it as far away from the facilities as we can; right after we enter the woods, we stop it. For one second it is hard to breathe, in the deep silence inside the cover of the trees, inside the small space of the car. Then Changmin opens the door and steps outside, no words shared, and we all do the same, as if breaking free from a spell.

Seconds, minutes pass. No movement, no noise. No one looking to no one. Only heartbeats, only deep breaths.

I turn and look at Jaejoong. He is biting his lower lip and looking at his feet. I can see worry painting his face, and I simply can’t find a reason to stop myself when I move towards him to embrace him. He melts in my arms and hugs me back.

“We’ll be fine, you’ll see,” I whisper to his hair.
“You have to, you must.” He looks at me, turquoise eyes shining more than ever “Let me go with you.”
“No, they’re right Jae. They are too ‘fond’ of you, and you’re so easy to spot. There’s no one else like you” I add the last part in a joke tone, even winking, but he doesn’t smile, just hugs me tighter and hides his face on my chest, inhaling. I sigh and crush him to me. Please, let it all go well. Please, let us be fine.
“Hyung, we should go before it’s too late” Changmin says.
“Yeah, we’re going to need all the sunlight in this woods” Yoochun nods, and I let go of Jaejoong, quite unwillingly. He looks at them both and nods, then looks at me and kisses me. Fast, short, but desperate.
“You better come back. All of you!” looking at the other two in the eyes, he frowns. I half smile and peck him; fast, short, but assuring.
“We will.”
“Wait a second,” He is suddenly moving his hands together, pulling at his index finger. Oh, I know what he is doing. “Give me your hand,” I do as he says, and with my hand extended he slowly puts his silver ring on my left hand ring finger. There’s a little difficulty, because my bones are thicker than his, but it enters. He raises my hand and kisses the ring. “Bring it back, ok?” I push him into my arms again, and kiss him with my all: my love, my need, my want, my fear.
“I will” I break the kiss “Have the car ready” And I let go of him, instantly missing his arms around me, his warmth. But we must do this, and I’ll come back to his arms soon enough. Please, let me come back to his arms soon.

We walk north-way, me following the other two who seem to know quite well where to go. I look back more than a couple of times, seeing my Jaejoong leaning against the car, looking at us. First time, he waves and I wave back. Second time, he’s just nervously fingering his t-shirt. Third, four, five time, he’s too far away to even recognize his face. Sixth time, I barely can see him in between the trees. Seventh time, he is gone from my sight. For a moment I have to stop and breath deeply to calm myself, because all my instincts are telling me to run back and hold him and never let him go again. Once I calm down, I see my brother and Yoochun calmly waiting for me a few steps ahead. I nod, I’m fine, and we continue. Be right back, Jae.

Walk and walk and walk a little more. The woods become darker and deeper and we have difficulties going through them; fallen trees, rocks, slippery moss... it’s weird that there’s a forest like this so close to the city. I thought most of them were gone, and the only old and big ones that survived were in far away countries, deep inside the earth, where the catastrophes couldn’t reach them. This is a surprise, but I’m not sure if it’s a good or a bad one.

After ages, when twilight bathes everything, we get out of the woods and see the buildings of the laboratories ahead of us. I can sense Changmin and Yoochun going stiff. Probably this is not a nice vision for any of them.

Now comes the dangerous part. Yoochun looks at us, nods, and opens the march. Slowly, carefully, we walk as silently as we can towards the back side of the main building. We use rocks and trees and everything we can to cover our process, and my heart feels like jumping out of my mouth with each passing second. It’s like now I’m finally realizing what I am doing, and how dangerous it really is. I try to focus on my steps and double the precautions, but my mind is only filled with Jaejoong and wishing for everything to work and for me to be back with him as soon as possible.

Reaching the door, Yoochun smiles to us, pointing to a couple of places where we see the surveillance cameras have been removed, only the plaques left. I frown, and bite my tongue to stop the questions, It’s weird they’ve taken them away, but then again maybe this place wasn’t used as much as before. After all, they already found their wonderful perfect lab rats: us. No need to keep this as secured. Yoochun opens the door, we enter, and I stop asking myself questions that won’t do me any good now.

Yoochun and Changmin run down a hall and stop at a door on a corner, open it, look inside, and go through it. I follow them in silence. Once inside, door closed again, Changmin sighs and Yoochun runs a hand through his hair.

“We’re in” Yoochun whispers.
“Cool. Now what?” I answer.
“Now you and Changmin go upstairs, and I look on this floor.” He answers. “We meet back here in twenty minutes, ok?”
“What if we find Junsu before?” Changmin asks.
“... well...,” Yoochun thinks for a second “Do you have your phones here with you?”
“Yes” I answer. “But you’re not planning on calling us, right?”
“Yes I do. Put your mobiles on silent mode and turn the vibration on. Put them in direct contact with your skin”
“Oh, ok.” Changmin and I do as he says.
“Wait wait! Call me first, so my number is first on your call log, and it’s easy to find. I do the same” Changmin says, and so we do. It’s nice that someone is calm enough to think on those details. Once done, I put my phone in the waistband of my jeans, touching the skin of my waist. Yoochun and Changmin do similar things.
“Ok, if we don’t find Junsu and nobody calls, back here in twenty minutes. If we find him, we call and immediately come back here, right?” Changmin asks.
“Exactly. Ok, let’s go then” We check our watches, nod; Yoochun opens the door, looks at us, and disappears down the hall.
“Well, brother, let’s go.” Changmin meets my gaze, we both nod. He opens the door, and we run up the hall, and upstairs.

I am amazed by how Changmin moves in here. He really knows this place. I know they’ve told me about this place, about their memories, but it’s different to see him really moving around a place he supposedly shouldn’t know. It’s weird, makes me feel weird. I don’t like it.

We go around, checking rooms, and notice there’s not much people in here. In the second room we check, we find lab coats and Changmin tells me the scientists here wear those. We put them on and walk around feeling a little more safe. We even cross a woman on the hall, who only nods at us and continues her way. Changmin looks at me wide eyed, and surely I am mirroring his face, since I feel my pulse racing. The few people we’ve seen in here aren’t old enough to have worked with us when we were kids, so probably they can’t recognize us. And they wouldn’t expect us here, and dressed like them... I am really glad we’ve found this coats.

I check my watch, it’s been twelve minutes since we left Yoochun downstairs. Still time until we have to go back. Changmin opens a door, checks inside, and turns to me wide-eyed.

“Hyung!!” He whispers nervously “He’s here, Junsu is here!!”
“What!?” I run to him, enter the room after him, and surely, Junsu is lying there on a litter. He seems to be sleeping, but otherwise he looks fine.
“Junsu!” Changmin runs up to him and shakes his arm, while I stay at the door, checking for anybody else coming this way. “Junsu, wake up!” Slowly, Junsu does.
“... who are you?” We freeze. Memories erased again? Please, no...
“w-what? Junsu, it’s me, Changmin. Yunho’s brother!”
“Oh, yeah. What are you doing here?” Junsu talks normally, as if he had just found us on the supermarket. I breathe again.
“Junsu? Are you ok?” I tell him from the door.
“Yunho hyung, you’re here too. Long time no see” Junsu smiles tiredly, his eyes a little out of focus.
“Are you half asleep or what, you twat?” Changmin whispers annoyed.
“Why would I be half asleep? You’re weird Min” he laughs. Laughs!
“Min, I think he is drugged” I tell my brother.
“What?” Changmin checks around Junsu, searching for something I don’t know, when he suddenly gasps and swears “Fuck, he is. He has needle marks on his arms. They used to drug us back when we were children, too, so we wouldn’t complain that much or try to escape...” Changmin’s voice trembles, and I damn all to hell.
“Just... let’s get him out of here, ok? We’ll think on what to do later” I grab my phone and call Yoochun, waiting a couple of seconds to be sure he’s noticed the vibration. Walking up to my brother, who’s helping a giggling Junsu to stand up, I grab Junsu by his shoulder and with the help of my brother, we walk him out of the room, and back the way we’ve come in.

My heart is going to fail me at any second. If we meet someone right now, lab coats aren’t going to help us at all. I look at Junsu at my side; his eyes are closed, his lips are dry. He has horrible eye-bags, and looks too pale. He looks so sick... but still, he is not complaining. He is even smiling carelessly. It’s all so wrong...

We walk the stairs down and find the room where we parted, getting in, and sitting Junsu in a lone chair at the back. I crouch in front of him, hand on his clammy forehead, and ask him if he is all right. He nods, but I can hear his elaborate breathing, and I can see his chest going up and down at a high speed. He isn’t fine; he is tired, exhausted. And it scares me to remember all the walk we did to come in here from the car. I’m not sure he will make it. At least, not easily.

The door opens and Yoochun comes in, breathing heavily. When he sees Junsu, he runs to him and bends down to hug him. I can hear him whispering ‘I’m sorry’ more than once. I stand up and walk up to my brother.

“What now?”
“Now we get the hell out of here” He is frowning looking at the other two. He is worried, he is angry, he is desperate. I put a hand on his shoulder to comfort him, even if I feel like an hypocrite for not remembering anything and not really understanding what they are going through, here.
“Let’s go back, Junsu needs to rest.” Yoochun tells from the other side of the room, helping Junsu to stand. Changmin goes to him and offers his help too. “Yunho, you go first. You remember the way back?”
“Out of the building, yes. Once in the woods, I doubt it” They both nod.
“All ok, once out of the building we can breathe and proceed more calmly” Changmin answers.
“Junsu, we’re going to walk a little fast now, ok? Do you think you can keep with our peace?” Yoochun asks the pale boy carefully.
“Sure I can” Junsu smiles, but it doesn’t make us feel any better.

With no more words than that, we nod when we are ready. I open the door, check the hall, and beckon them to follow me when I’m sure there is no one around.

We walk down the hall in hurried but silent steps. I can hear Junsu’s hard breathing behind me, but he’s not making any other noise, and I’m really glad for it. Knowing he is drugged I’m not sure how he could react to anything. We arrive to a corner, and I stop to check all the ways. Free. I sigh and calm my heart. We are going to make it. We are almost there, we are going to make it, and I’m going to be back with Jaejoong in a few minutes. Just a few minutes.

We continue, hopeful and determined. And then, an alarm rings.

We freeze; I turn to look at them. The alarm is in a really high pitch and loud. Junsu screams in pain. Yoochun swears, and Changmin urges us to run. So I turn, and run. The exit is close, we can make it, we can make it.

I hear yells. Behind us, next to us. They’re yelling for us to stop, for someone to stop us. I hear steps, a lot of steps getting close in, surrounding us. Where were all that people hiding?? There is no one in front of me, so I run and yell to them to run faster and faster. The exit is there, we will make it, we will!

There’s a loud stabbing noise. Then again, and again; I recognize that noise: shots. They’re shooting us. They’re right behind us, shooting us. Damn, don’t they know we are their precious lab rats? No, seems they don’t know; they only know someone is stealing the only precious lab rat they have in their hands, now.

And they yell, and shoot, and run, and I’m going nuts trying to see the exit. I know Yoochun is yelling something, but I don’t know what. I don’t understand what anybody is yelling, I just hear shots and I pray and pray. Let us get out of here, let us make it. Let me go back to Jaejoong.

A clear shot followed by a piercing yell. My brother’s yell.

I turn and as if in slow motion and I see Changmin falling to the floor, hand on his leg. Blood everywhere. I ran back to him, grab his shoulders. His face is a grimace of pain, his hands covering the bullet wound on his thigh. I am mad. I am beyond mad, and scared, and lost. Yoochun is yelling to me, to Changmin. Junsu is screaming. Changmin tells me to continue, and I shook my head; no, no, no. I yell at Yoochun to continue, to go. We’ll follow you, you go back to Jaejoong and get out of here, we will follow you later, soon. Sometime. He complains, he denies.

“Just fucking go, Yoochun!!”

And he does. And Changmin is pushing me, but I am not letting him go. He is my brother, for fuck’s sake, I am not letting him go! We are surrounded, we have weapons pointing to our heads. I see other’s following Yoochun, and I just hope they don’t catch him. I hug my brother, he is hugging me back, asking for forgiveness. I just nod.

“It’s ok, Min, it’s ok. I’m not leaving you behind. Never”

They knock my head with something heavy. For one second the pain is unbearable. For another second, Jaejoong appears in my mind. I’m sorry love. I’m sorry.

It’s late. Too late. I’m pacing up and down around the car, practically on hysterics. It’s been hours since they left, and even knowing they had to walk a lot to reach the labs, it’s been just too long. When I’m practically decided to go find them, I see someone coming my way. I throw all precaution and planning away, and run to meet them. My heart on my throat, I see it’s Yoochun dragging an almost passed out Junsu. Once I’m closer, I see Junsu is bleeding somewhere on his arm.

“Gods, Yoochun, what happened!?” I reach them and look at Junsu’s arm. Oh my gods. “Did they shoot you??” I am practically yelling, but it’s impossible to calm down.
“Go and turn on the car, Jaejoong!” Yoochun practically demands, still dragging Junsu towards said machine’s direction.
“What? But...,” I turn to look at the way they’ve just come for “Where’s Yunho? and Changmin?” Yoochun continues his way, not saying a word “Yoochun??”
“They’ll come later,” He says in a tiny voice, and I don’t understand.
“What do you mean, later? Where are they?” I walk in front of him, trying to catch his eyes, but he is looking to the car, never meeting my gaze.
“Just turn the car on and let’s get out of here, Jae.”
“What? Are you nuts? We’re not going anywhere until they’re both back!”
“We have to, Junsu needs help!”
“I can see that, but in no way I am driving leaving them behind! We wait for them.”
“Jaejoong, just fucking do as I say, and let’s get out of here,” He is hysteric, and still not meeting my eyes. My heart stops beating.
“Oh gods Yoochun... no, it can’t...” I put a hand on his shoulder, stopping him. “Tell me they are ok. Tell me they are just a little behind! Tell me!!” I shake him. Please, don’t tell me they’ve shot them, please...
“Stop this crap, Jae!! You’re going to hurt Junsu.”
“Fucking tell me, Yoochun!” He looks at me for a second, then looks to the ground. Now I can clearly recognize his expression: grief. Grief, pain, shame. “Oh please, no...,”
“I’m sorry Jaejoong, I’m sorry...,”
“Oh no, no no. You’re lying!!” I step away from him, as if he is the origin of all the evil in the world. My heart is hurting, my limbs are numb, my throat and my eyes are burning. No, this is a joke, this is a bad joke.
“They shot Changmin... and Yunho... stood there with him,” Big tears run down his cheeks, and my heart breaks. I don’t know what to tell, I don’t know what to think or feel. I just shake my head. “Yunho told me they will come later, but...,”
“So he is alive!! Then they will!! If he told you, they will, he wouldn’t lie!!” I am yelling, but I am beyond caring.
“Jaejoong... they were surrounded and,”
“Don’t fucking use that tone with me, Yoochun! How, how could you? How could you leave them there?”
“What could I do? Look at Junsu!!”
“Shut up!! Is Junsu is more important than Yunho? And Changmin?? Is that it??” I feel tears burning my eyes, and my voice is husk and too high.
“What the fuck, Jaejoong! I’ve never said that!” Yoochun meets my eye. Angry and sad and lost.
“Then, why? Why... why are they not here, why did you leave them both there, why??” and I cry. Yunho is not here, Yunho is not back. Yunho is leaving me alone? He can’t! He promised.
“Jaejoong, please... they’re following me, we should go...,” Yoochun is pleading, but I give a damn. I shake my head stubbornly.
“I’m staying here until they come. If Yunho said he will, then he w-,”
“He is not coming, Jae!! He told me to take you out of here, so we’re getting the hell out of here!!” Yoochun yells, Junsu complains, sobbing, and I just don’t know anything anymore.

Yoochun walks past me, towards the car. I stay there, looking at the direction Yoochun has just come, searching for any movement, a silhouette. Anything. My mind blank, only denials and Yunho’s name on it. It cannot be, he will come back, he has to. Someone grabs my arms and pulls me back, hard. Next thing I know, I’m sitting next to Yoochun in the car, and he is starting the engine. I complain, I kick him. I must stay here, Yunho is coming back and I must be here for him! But Yoochun ignores me, and drives. I punch his arm, I insult him, I hate him. I sob, louder and louder, completely losing control. I think Junsu is crying too, on the back seat. I don’t care. I don’t care about Junsu, I don’t care about Yoochun. I hate them, I hate it all. I want Yunho, I need Yunho. I cry and cry until the pain is overwhelming.

How could you leave me alone, Yunho? How could you.

I don’t really know how much time I spent closed on my flat. I tried going back there more than once, but it has always been in vain. I don’t own a car, Yoochun will never lend me his, and I won’t even talk to him to ask for it. Taxi drivers don’t know the exact place, and have never taken me close enough for me to try and walk inside the labs. I know nobody who could drive me there. So after trying all those times, I just stay here, closed, letting the world rot me.

Yunho hasn’t come back yet.

I haven’t known anything from him since then. Changmin isn’t back, either. At the beginning, the pain was overwhelming. I tried to go around, asking for news them: to his other university friends, professors, neighbours... nobody knows anything (I even asked Eunsu, but even if she blamed me for losing Yunho, she didn’t seem that worried or angry at all. She knows everything, she is the one who handed Junsu back to the labs). I called their parents, but they just said it’s all ok, and I shouldn’t worry. Of course, it’s pretty clear they are part of all this mess.

Time has passed, and the pain has just turned to numbness. I feel nothing. Empty, void, lifeless. A constant in my life has disappeared. Someone who has always been here, always backing me up, always holding my hand when in need, sharing all of my days, is suddenly gone. I still can’t grasp it.

I eat, and I bath, and I watch TV and read books. But my heart is not here anymore. Yoochun calls me sometimes, but I don’t answer. I don’t talk to him, nor to Junsu, who’s seems to be better. I blame them both. Maybe I shouldn’t but I don’t care. They are here, Yunho isn’t.

I open the fridge and notice how I’m running out of a lot of things. Not like my diet is really healthy lately, but I still need to refill the fridge. Dragging my feet, I walk to the entrance, not caring how I look like or what my clothes are; I just slip some shoes in, and walk down to the nearest shop.

The place is empty and I’m glad for it. I don’t want people around me, at any time. I walk around the aisles grabbing some stuff; coffee, beers, canned food. The boy working there has the TV on, and it’s watching it behind the counter, arms crossed. The voice of the news reporter runs everywhere, and I catch some words: typhoon, alarms, curfew. I don’t even feel alarmed; it’s the best that could happen to me now. With some luck, everything will be blown away.

“Scary, isn’t it?” They boy tells me once I’m at the counter. I just nod while he checks the stuff I bought and tells me the price. I pay and walk out of the shop. I look at the skies and hope for this typhoon to come soon, and to be huge and horrible, and destroy everything. And take me. Finally take me away.

As I’m walking down the street, I feel as if I’m observed. I turn around, but I see nobody. Streets are almost empty, probably because of the typhoon thing. I keep my way back to my place, but the feeling of someone looking at me, following me doesn’t go. I think on hurrying my steps, but actually, I really don’t care about anything. I turn again, all intent on calling whoever is following me, when someone grabs my arm and pulls me hurriedly back to my building. Once we are in and he turns, I see it’s Yoochun.

“What are you doing here?” I plainly ask him.
“Saving you? Didn’t you see those fuckers following you in the car?” I shrug and pass by him.
“I don’t care about that”
“What? Jaejoong, are you nuts?” He follows me.
“Not at all” I walk the stairs up to the first floor, where my flat is located. I open the door, and feel Yoochun right behind me. “What do you want?”
“To talk?”
“Cool, I don’t want to.” I enter the flat and close the door right on his face. I hear him knocking and begging, calling me, but I really don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to see him, at all.

I leave the bags on the kitchen counter, and walk to the window of the living room. I sigh. I really don’t feel anything. I should have been afraid knowing someone was following me, but I don’t. I should feel angry or sad or betrayed with Yoochun there, still knocking my door, but I don’t. You see what you’ve done to me, Yunho? Aren’t you ashamed? I rest my forehead on the window pane, and sigh. Where are you, Yunho? Are you taking care of Changmin? Are you ok? Are you even alive? I close my eyes and feel a headache coming. I suffer a lot of headaches lately.

I hear rain hitting my window, and I open my eyes. Skies are really dark, a strong wind has started, and rain starts to fall. So the typhoon is here, already. I turn towards the entrance door and for a second think on Yoochun, but then I don’t care again what happens to him, and continue looking out of the window. I see a young kid running holding his mother’s hand. I see a car driving fast. Probably everybody is scared and want to be in the safety of their homes soon. Meteorological disasters aren’t a thing to joke with nowadays; everybody is scared of another Big Change happening. I blink, a little surprised, when I notice I wouldn’t even care if that happened. World can go and disappear for all I care. My world has already disappeared for a long time now.

I hear knocking on my door, and hear Yoochun calling my name. I sigh and walk to the door, opening it.

“Oh, Jae...,” He seems surprised to see me, and I suppose he really didn’t expect me opening the door.
“What do you want, Yoochun? I don’t want to see you” A hurt expression crosses Yoochun’s face. I still feel nothing.
“I know, I know I deserve all this and more, but... please, listen to me, just five minutes,” He is looking so eager, I step inside the flat, leaving the door open for him to follow me. The sooner he tells me, the sooner he will be gone.
“What is it?” Once he has closed the door and I feel him behind me, I ask.
“Well... how are you?”
“Yoochun, don’t fuck around and just tell me what you want to tell me and go.” I turn to look at him.
“Ok, ok, sorry, I just... ok. Well, you see, that people following you?”
“Didn’t see them” I let myself fall on the nearest couch, and after a second Yoochun shyly does so, right in front of me.
“Well, ok... you see, there’s people following us. Government people following us. You, me, Junsu.”
“Cool. What for?” I’m looking out the window, seeing the rain getting heavier.
“Junsu and I have been spreading some information... at first it wasn’t much, just our stories about what they did to us there. Nobody really believed us, more so when we were doing it anonymously. But then, someone from inside the labs started helping us...,” He is nervously playing with his fingers, and I turn to look at him.
“Huh?”
“Yes, seems some workers in there aren’t really happy with the things happening inside... so they’ve been sending us confidential info, and Junsu and I have been releasing it to the press and magazines and government and everybody who wanted to hear. Little by little, we’ve been listened.” He suddenly looks determined, almost proud.
“What the hell are you talking about, Yoochun?”
“That the world is starting to know, Jaejoong. They’re starting to know what happened in those laboratories, how a part of the government covered it, where all those orphans disappeared to...,” His eyes are shining as he looks into mine. I suddenly feel weird. There’s something inside me I can’t pinpoint.
“What... what does this mean, Chun?” He looks startled, and I realize I’ve just called him by his nickname. I don’t correct it, and he looks as if he is going to start crying.
“This... this means things are going to change. This means we’re going to be safe, sooner or later. They’re going to judge those bastards, and close that place, and,”
“Yunho? Will Yunho and Changmin be free then?” He gulps. Then nods.
“Yes. If it all works well, they will.” I see his uncertainty, I feel his nerves, but a spark of hope has already been ignited in my chest.
“Oh please, please...,” The rain hits my windows strongly. Yoochun stands and walks up to me, puts a hand on my shoulder, trembling, unsure. I grab it, and nod my head, and he is suddenly hugging me, on his knees, repeating he is sorry. I hug him back. I’m not sure if I forgive him or not, I’m not sure what I’m really feeling. I just know I see a small light, somewhere, and I’m determined on following it.

PART 4
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