(no subject)
So here's what's been going on with me this week, and why i've been so in absentia lately.
So here's what's been going on. Ever since I got out of the hospital a couple of weeks ago, panic attacks have gotten worse. To the point where I couldn't stop taking Klonopin because it wasn't helping. Sunday night I took 14 and a half klonopin with a big glass of wine, and cried because I didn't wake up. Same thing happened Monday night. Let me re-iterate that klonopin is in the toilet. I've been anxious today, but now drinking chamomile with my cat on my lap instead of the klonopin...and i'm also decorating the house for Christmas.
It started in earnest last Wednesday, when I got a ticket for an expired tag. The officer pulled me over in a shopping center parking lot. I had my turn-signal blinking, so I was being obvious I wasnt' trying to get away...plus, he followed me all the way from the end of a large bridge to the parking-lot, I wasn't speeding, so i couldn't figure out why I was being pulled over. Then he called three other cop buddies with all their lights blinking as he's checking my license and record (I've gone a couple of years since I had my last ticket), and rather than giving me a warning for an expired tag, he writes me a ticket for one and then I start bawling, explaining my financial situation, and he acts like he's doing me a favor for giving me the usual six weeks. Meanwhile, I'm in the parking-lot bawling my eyes out, wailing like a two year old. Nobody can pick me up because the only people available are my parents locally, so i just have to wait it out for half an hour...nobody asks if I'm okay, though several people walk by to see what the noise is.
Then the next day, I got fired from the Concerto I was going to play with Shaun. It was a mutual decision, but it was apparently my responsibility to find an accompanist...which I did and am paying for his fee. I'm still in the program, playing the two Mozart pieces at least, but then there's Sunday.
Saturday I got a really cute haircut though, so at least there's that.
New people on my flist, I work at a small church, as in, we are lucky if we have ten people show up. The only time there is a packed house is Easter and Christmas. Last year, a family left the church over what happened with the music last year. I almost walked out of my job because my boss barked at me over the situation because I started after I played the intro for her three times and she didn't come in.
But now, for some reason or another, they're (the family) is back, and this little girl was going to sing Silent Night which is all well and good...except Silent Night last year was a complete and total disaster because she got nervous, despite the fact that the little brat bragged about singing it "in front of thousands," didn't know when to come in, and Bosslady wanted one rehearsal two days before the service.
HELL TO THE NO.
I told the little girl we have to work on it early, and I will be surprised if she actually comes, but it was this situation last year that almost made me walk out of my job, so Sunday night, I took about 14 and a half klonopin with a big glass of wine. I woke up crying because I actually woke up. I took 9 on Monday, same deal...crying because I actually woke up. Tuesday, I called my therapist, who told me to call my shrink, who wanted to commit me. The only way I got out of it was saying that I wasn't staying alone.
I stayed with my friend Crystal, and I introduced her to Castle and we had fun.
Now, I'm doing a bit better. Still anxious and slightly nervous right now, but I'm concentrating on making the house all Chistmas-fied and listening to carols. I even have a small Christmas tree up! Pictures are forthcoming. I have a possible roommate in January. My job prospects are still kind of...horrid. I only qualified for a position at a gas station and a car dealership today, and frankly, I have no idea what I'm going to do...at least though the roommate in January helps to alleviate some of that stress, but, still...I don't know how a new person is going to deal with my panic attacks (which are usually 2am crying jags).
I am near tears now because the bottom line is I still have no freaking clue what to do or how to fix my situation. I hate that I upset my family and friends with the overdose, but on the other hand, I'm really glad that I am dealing with it and I'm seeing my therapist today to come up with a game plan.
Right now, mostly, though? I'm absolutely terrified. I don't know how I'm going to get a job. Not even going back to school and finishing my degree at this point would be helpful because affording to move there at the moment without a job in place is just out of the realm of possibiity...so....this is where I am.
At least the good news is that on Sunday I'm going to go visit ajeepthing and her girlfriend and our mutual friend Beth whom I haven't seen years, because L and jeep are engage FINALLY and we are going to DC to scout out places to get married, so if anyone in the DC area wants to meet up, just let me know! I promise I'm actually cheerful in person.
So here's what's been going on. Ever since I got out of the hospital a couple of weeks ago, panic attacks have gotten worse. To the point where I couldn't stop taking Klonopin because it wasn't helping. Sunday night I took 14 and a half klonopin with a big glass of wine, and cried because I didn't wake up. Same thing happened Monday night. Let me re-iterate that klonopin is in the toilet. I've been anxious today, but now drinking chamomile with my cat on my lap instead of the klonopin...and i'm also decorating the house for Christmas.
It started in earnest last Wednesday, when I got a ticket for an expired tag. The officer pulled me over in a shopping center parking lot. I had my turn-signal blinking, so I was being obvious I wasnt' trying to get away...plus, he followed me all the way from the end of a large bridge to the parking-lot, I wasn't speeding, so i couldn't figure out why I was being pulled over. Then he called three other cop buddies with all their lights blinking as he's checking my license and record (I've gone a couple of years since I had my last ticket), and rather than giving me a warning for an expired tag, he writes me a ticket for one and then I start bawling, explaining my financial situation, and he acts like he's doing me a favor for giving me the usual six weeks. Meanwhile, I'm in the parking-lot bawling my eyes out, wailing like a two year old. Nobody can pick me up because the only people available are my parents locally, so i just have to wait it out for half an hour...nobody asks if I'm okay, though several people walk by to see what the noise is.
Then the next day, I got fired from the Concerto I was going to play with Shaun. It was a mutual decision, but it was apparently my responsibility to find an accompanist...which I did and am paying for his fee. I'm still in the program, playing the two Mozart pieces at least, but then there's Sunday.
Saturday I got a really cute haircut though, so at least there's that.
New people on my flist, I work at a small church, as in, we are lucky if we have ten people show up. The only time there is a packed house is Easter and Christmas. Last year, a family left the church over what happened with the music last year. I almost walked out of my job because my boss barked at me over the situation because I started after I played the intro for her three times and she didn't come in.
But now, for some reason or another, they're (the family) is back, and this little girl was going to sing Silent Night which is all well and good...except Silent Night last year was a complete and total disaster because she got nervous, despite the fact that the little brat bragged about singing it "in front of thousands," didn't know when to come in, and Bosslady wanted one rehearsal two days before the service.
HELL TO THE NO.
I told the little girl we have to work on it early, and I will be surprised if she actually comes, but it was this situation last year that almost made me walk out of my job, so Sunday night, I took about 14 and a half klonopin with a big glass of wine. I woke up crying because I actually woke up. I took 9 on Monday, same deal...crying because I actually woke up. Tuesday, I called my therapist, who told me to call my shrink, who wanted to commit me. The only way I got out of it was saying that I wasn't staying alone.
I stayed with my friend Crystal, and I introduced her to Castle and we had fun.
Now, I'm doing a bit better. Still anxious and slightly nervous right now, but I'm concentrating on making the house all Chistmas-fied and listening to carols. I even have a small Christmas tree up! Pictures are forthcoming. I have a possible roommate in January. My job prospects are still kind of...horrid. I only qualified for a position at a gas station and a car dealership today, and frankly, I have no idea what I'm going to do...at least though the roommate in January helps to alleviate some of that stress, but, still...I don't know how a new person is going to deal with my panic attacks (which are usually 2am crying jags).
I am near tears now because the bottom line is I still have no freaking clue what to do or how to fix my situation. I hate that I upset my family and friends with the overdose, but on the other hand, I'm really glad that I am dealing with it and I'm seeing my therapist today to come up with a game plan.
Right now, mostly, though? I'm absolutely terrified. I don't know how I'm going to get a job. Not even going back to school and finishing my degree at this point would be helpful because affording to move there at the moment without a job in place is just out of the realm of possibiity...so....this is where I am.
At least the good news is that on Sunday I'm going to go visit ajeepthing and her girlfriend and our mutual friend Beth whom I haven't seen years, because L and jeep are engage FINALLY and we are going to DC to scout out places to get married, so if anyone in the DC area wants to meet up, just let me know! I promise I'm actually cheerful in person.