my story for bridgits flame

[sporty502]

There it goes. Gone. Forever.

“You are the number two alternate”

The words sliced through me, carving out sections of my soul. I stared at my golf coach in disbelief struggling to maintain my composure as my world crashed down all around me, leaving nothing unscathed in its destruction. Those six words. Who knew they had so much power?

My golf bag

Comments

[mermaidbia]

Very well-done piece, you capture the confusion and anger of the protagonist well, it's very intense and acute. You misplace a few commas here and there, but it does't disrupt the flow.

[sporty502]

thanks a ton for the comments
i wanted to make it alot longer, you know show the coping and the dealing and finally getting over it.
but i didnt have enough time.

maybe next week if i can make the prompt work with it

[lilcougar]

It was still very well written, I could feel the angst. :)

[sporty502]

thanks alot! it was kinda sorta based on a true personal story i changed a lot about it though, but if i had been able to go on further i think i would have been alot better, but with the time i had this was the only part i felt was up to standards

Editor 1

[amri]

Hi. I'm your editor 1 this week.

This piece spelled out the anger, sadness, and confusion one feels when we don't achieve something we feel we deserve. I like the use of first person to tell the story so that we, as readers, can go through the emotions just as the speaker does.

There were a couple places where there was fragmentation and misused punctuation. Such as I walked slowly up to her, she was still figuring the numbers out with the winner, the thief that had stolen my destiny. It should either be a couple stand alone sentences or combined with a semicolon. I walked slowly up to her; she was still figuring the numbers out with the winner, the thief that had stolen my destiny.

Overall, I think you did well portraying the angst that the speaker felt when he/she missed out that year. It doesn't really go into what exactly he/she missed out on - the team? a tournament? a pro-tour? The words "gone", "forever", "destiny" gives the reader a sense of the decision being final. At the same time, you added the phrase But there

Re: Editor 1

[sporty502]

ok cool, thanks for all of comments, they'll help out alot!!!
and it was about a state tournament i guess I should have gone more into that

but thakns for all of your comments!

[innana88]

I thought this piece was very well written. Nice work! I really like the melodrama you created by introducing the piece with "gone forever," when the reality is just "gone this year." That is certainly how one feels in this sort of circumstance.

I have one suggestion for you: replace "unjustness" with "injustice." I think that's what you were going for.

[sporty502]

hey thanks alot! Yeah when i was talking about gone forever, i really should have gone more indepth with what exactlly the character was missing, it was the state tournament for her school, right now shes a sophmore so she does have two more years left to win, but her chance to as an lowerclassman is "gone forever"

but serisously i really apprecate all of your comments!

Editor 2

[heartoftorment]

I'm not a huge sports fan, so I have to admit -- at first I thought this was having to do with math scores. *blush*

That being said, this was well written. It flowed well, provided great imagery, and provided great descriptions of the angst, the fear, the feeling of injustice that the protaganist must feel. I was sucked in, sports or not, and was very impressed with this.
Good luck!