shouldn't have
terry he/brian kang, pg-13
1297 words
brian is about to leave for seoul and the last thing he wants to do is to fuck up what he has with terry.
leaving isn't supposed to be this difficult.
at least, that's what brian tells himself in the run up to his departure for seoul. there are a billion and one loose ends he has yet to tie up, performing with the rest of the boys and packing and getting ready for his biggest leap of faith ever and... and.
'hey', terry says. he's standing in the doorway of brian's room, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans. don had gone home already, and sonny and sean had knocked themselves out an hour ago after declaring that they had done enough packing.
'don't just stand there', brian says, waving a hand about. 'come here and help.'
terry snorts. it's four in the morning, and the floor is strewn with an assortment of clothing and other belongings that really shouldn't be there. he flops down on to brian's bed, watching as brian folds his clothes, placing them neatly into a plastic bag. then brian looks up at terry, eyes flickering to the door, then back to terry again. 'right', terry says, swallowing hard. he gets up, crosses the room and shuts the door. locks it for good measure although really, there wouldn't be anyone bothering them at this hour. but still. he returns to his place beside brian, passing him a hoodie that had been left on the floor. 'so.'
'so', brian echoes. he shoves the hoodie into the bag he is holding and puts it down, looking resolutely at the floor. 'i'm leaving for korea in a couple of hours' time.'
'i know', terry says. he looks down at the floor too, as if it's the most interesting in the world.
'i', brian starts. then he pauses, biting the inside of his cheek. he had the time of his life in toronto, but now it's time to go even though he has plenty of unfinished business here with too many things left unsaid. so at the very least, he should try to do something about it now, he should try to say something but the words don't come and instead, they die a pitiful death in his throat.
terry reaches for brian's hand. squeezes lightly. brian turns to look at him, eyes widening, and terry smiles, bashful. is he blushing? the light is too dim, brian cannot tell. then terry pulls his hand away and he looks down again. 'i know', he repeats.
brian looks at terry, mouth dry. did terry just. did he just. did he misinterpret terry's intentions? 'but i... we... i can't...' brian bites his lower lip, frustrated. the words come far too quickly and he wants to kiss terry and punch him at the same time, how could you have known how could you not say a thing how could you let me do this thinking that i would fuck it all up if i tried how could you let me leave like this how could you do this to me only now how could you but he chokes up, they come out in a garbled mess and he's trembling, tears threatening to fall.
god he's not usually like this, he's never like this but this is terry, fucking terry who's pretty much the leader in all that they've done all these years. the one who had first pulled him into his orbit in school, drawing him close with his gravity. 3rd degree. kmess. all those videos they filmed, all the times he had stayed over. all those reasons to be close to terry, and later, all those little excuses he gave himself for why he let himself go. discussing song lyrics and ideas for covering the latest big bang song during maths, dumb food fights they got into from time to time accidentally-on-purpose. from then on he had been content to let it grow into casual intimacy, draping himself over terry, cuddling up and being content to have terry's arm thrown around him.
(see, there's still don, and he tells himself that if he does this too with don people will think it's just brian being brian but it doesn't quite work that way in his heart as it does in his head)
and now here they are, after he had rationalised it all, telling himself that it's okay to let all this go because he had never started anything anyway. terry. fucking terry. oh god.
'i'm sorry', terry says, pulling brian into a hug. 'maybe i shouldn't have said anything huh, now i've ruined everything.'
'fuck you', brian says, punching terry weakly in the side. his face is buried in terry's chest, and he's wetting terry's t-shirt with his tears. god, what a pathetic way to spend their last night together.
'well we both know you'd do it if you could', terry offers, and brian pulls away immediately, looking mortified. 'okay my bad', terry says, throwing his hands up. but the look on his face is anything but apologetic, and his eyes are shifty, avoiding brian's gaze.
'terry', brian says sharply. he massages his temples, god it must be the packing getting to him, soon he'll have been awake for more than twenty four hours.
'well', terry says, dragging the word. 'what i'm saying, i guess, is that. well. let's make this a night to remember then.'
'what the fuck.'
'just saying.'
brian looks at him, eyes assessing, and terry flinches under his scrutiny. 'i don't need your pity, if this is what it is.'
'it's not', terry says, but the words make it out of his mouth too quickly.
'go to sleep, we can pretend this never happened in the morning mmf-'
terry kisses brian hard, one hand cradling brian's head. it hurts, the clash of teeth against teeth and terry tastes of mint gum and the dinner they just had but when he pulls away brian is breathless.
'what was that', brian demands, eyes narrowed.
'i don't want you to regret', terry says. this time, he doesn't avoid brian's gaze. then he adds, softer, 'i don't want to regret too.'
'you're going to regret this', brian says, looking up at terry. he's lying on his bed, t-shirt riding high on his stomach. 'i'm regretting this already.'
terry pauses, fingers resting on the waistband of brian's slacks.
brian wants to tell him that one night isn't enough for love whatever this is to take its course. one night isn't enough for him to condense whatever he has been feeling for the past year into, one night isn't enough for this to bloom. but terry cups his cheek, kisses him softly this time and his hands are light on brian's cheeks and when he pulls away he looks at him with something akin to desperation to please. brian has never been able to resist terry, and tonight, with all this coming to an end, he doesn't have the heart to tell terry that this won't be closure. if anything, it would leave an open wound.
'i'll stop if you want me to', terry says. he leans in, pressing his forehead to brian's. 'do you want me to?'
brian inhales sharply. 'no', he says, tilting his head upwards to kiss terry again.
in the morning brian wakes up to a pounding on the door. sonny is yelling something intelligible and terry's leg is thrown over brian's thighs, holding him down. brian shakes terry hard, trying to wake him. he feels disgusting all over, and his clothes are a weird mess draped over the headboard.
'last night', terry begins, propping himself up with his elbows.
brian shakes his head. terry looks like he is about to protest, but brian cuts him off quickly. 'it's okay', he says, even though he had meant to say it's over.
his voice does not sound like his own.
1297 words
brian is about to leave for seoul and the last thing he wants to do is to fuck up what he has with terry.
leaving isn't supposed to be this difficult.
at least, that's what brian tells himself in the run up to his departure for seoul. there are a billion and one loose ends he has yet to tie up, performing with the rest of the boys and packing and getting ready for his biggest leap of faith ever and... and.
'hey', terry says. he's standing in the doorway of brian's room, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans. don had gone home already, and sonny and sean had knocked themselves out an hour ago after declaring that they had done enough packing.
'don't just stand there', brian says, waving a hand about. 'come here and help.'
terry snorts. it's four in the morning, and the floor is strewn with an assortment of clothing and other belongings that really shouldn't be there. he flops down on to brian's bed, watching as brian folds his clothes, placing them neatly into a plastic bag. then brian looks up at terry, eyes flickering to the door, then back to terry again. 'right', terry says, swallowing hard. he gets up, crosses the room and shuts the door. locks it for good measure although really, there wouldn't be anyone bothering them at this hour. but still. he returns to his place beside brian, passing him a hoodie that had been left on the floor. 'so.'
'so', brian echoes. he shoves the hoodie into the bag he is holding and puts it down, looking resolutely at the floor. 'i'm leaving for korea in a couple of hours' time.'
'i know', terry says. he looks down at the floor too, as if it's the most interesting in the world.
'i', brian starts. then he pauses, biting the inside of his cheek. he had the time of his life in toronto, but now it's time to go even though he has plenty of unfinished business here with too many things left unsaid. so at the very least, he should try to do something about it now, he should try to say something but the words don't come and instead, they die a pitiful death in his throat.
terry reaches for brian's hand. squeezes lightly. brian turns to look at him, eyes widening, and terry smiles, bashful. is he blushing? the light is too dim, brian cannot tell. then terry pulls his hand away and he looks down again. 'i know', he repeats.
brian looks at terry, mouth dry. did terry just. did he just. did he misinterpret terry's intentions? 'but i... we... i can't...' brian bites his lower lip, frustrated. the words come far too quickly and he wants to kiss terry and punch him at the same time, how could you have known how could you not say a thing how could you let me do this thinking that i would fuck it all up if i tried how could you let me leave like this how could you do this to me only now how could you but he chokes up, they come out in a garbled mess and he's trembling, tears threatening to fall.
god he's not usually like this, he's never like this but this is terry, fucking terry who's pretty much the leader in all that they've done all these years. the one who had first pulled him into his orbit in school, drawing him close with his gravity. 3rd degree. kmess. all those videos they filmed, all the times he had stayed over. all those reasons to be close to terry, and later, all those little excuses he gave himself for why he let himself go. discussing song lyrics and ideas for covering the latest big bang song during maths, dumb food fights they got into from time to time accidentally-on-purpose. from then on he had been content to let it grow into casual intimacy, draping himself over terry, cuddling up and being content to have terry's arm thrown around him.
(see, there's still don, and he tells himself that if he does this too with don people will think it's just brian being brian but it doesn't quite work that way in his heart as it does in his head)
and now here they are, after he had rationalised it all, telling himself that it's okay to let all this go because he had never started anything anyway. terry. fucking terry. oh god.
'i'm sorry', terry says, pulling brian into a hug. 'maybe i shouldn't have said anything huh, now i've ruined everything.'
'fuck you', brian says, punching terry weakly in the side. his face is buried in terry's chest, and he's wetting terry's t-shirt with his tears. god, what a pathetic way to spend their last night together.
'well we both know you'd do it if you could', terry offers, and brian pulls away immediately, looking mortified. 'okay my bad', terry says, throwing his hands up. but the look on his face is anything but apologetic, and his eyes are shifty, avoiding brian's gaze.
'terry', brian says sharply. he massages his temples, god it must be the packing getting to him, soon he'll have been awake for more than twenty four hours.
'well', terry says, dragging the word. 'what i'm saying, i guess, is that. well. let's make this a night to remember then.'
'what the fuck.'
'just saying.'
brian looks at him, eyes assessing, and terry flinches under his scrutiny. 'i don't need your pity, if this is what it is.'
'it's not', terry says, but the words make it out of his mouth too quickly.
'go to sleep, we can pretend this never happened in the morning mmf-'
terry kisses brian hard, one hand cradling brian's head. it hurts, the clash of teeth against teeth and terry tastes of mint gum and the dinner they just had but when he pulls away brian is breathless.
'what was that', brian demands, eyes narrowed.
'i don't want you to regret', terry says. this time, he doesn't avoid brian's gaze. then he adds, softer, 'i don't want to regret too.'
'you're going to regret this', brian says, looking up at terry. he's lying on his bed, t-shirt riding high on his stomach. 'i'm regretting this already.'
terry pauses, fingers resting on the waistband of brian's slacks.
brian wants to tell him that one night isn't enough for love whatever this is to take its course. one night isn't enough for him to condense whatever he has been feeling for the past year into, one night isn't enough for this to bloom. but terry cups his cheek, kisses him softly this time and his hands are light on brian's cheeks and when he pulls away he looks at him with something akin to desperation to please. brian has never been able to resist terry, and tonight, with all this coming to an end, he doesn't have the heart to tell terry that this won't be closure. if anything, it would leave an open wound.
'i'll stop if you want me to', terry says. he leans in, pressing his forehead to brian's. 'do you want me to?'
brian inhales sharply. 'no', he says, tilting his head upwards to kiss terry again.
in the morning brian wakes up to a pounding on the door. sonny is yelling something intelligible and terry's leg is thrown over brian's thighs, holding him down. brian shakes terry hard, trying to wake him. he feels disgusting all over, and his clothes are a weird mess draped over the headboard.
'last night', terry begins, propping himself up with his elbows.
brian shakes his head. terry looks like he is about to protest, but brian cuts him off quickly. 'it's okay', he says, even though he had meant to say it's over.
his voice does not sound like his own.