Fic: "Live His Life to the Fullest" for das_kabinett
Title: Live His Life to the Fullest
Author: fivil
Recipient's name: das_kabinett
Rating: PG-13
Character(s): Peter (mentions of Weasleys, Marauders, Voldemort)
Author's notes: It's rather angsty but hopefully more than that, too. My beta knows who she is.
Peter is missing a hand.
Sometimes, it feels like he's missing a lot more. Pieces of his past, opportunities missed, that sort of thing. He'd rather not look back on it all but at times he has to, even though it's risky - Master could peek into his mind at almost any moment. But it's easier to look back than it is to look forward, where there will be much death and a possible loss, loss of everything he has right now or rather, doesn't have.
He doesn't have much to lose but he's never been one to take the easy way out, in his mind.
*
He remembers when Ronald first held him, the freckled palms surrounding him and he hoped that the boy wouldn't drop him like his brother used to. Ron didn't he just looked at Peter and smiled, and took him upstairs to his new home, the room across his old home.
Peter was Scabbers for a long time, a time he enjoyed and liked, and occasionally misses nowadays, when there's not much but insecurity and fear - and it's now that he actually feel like a rat, hiding in a dirty corner somewhere, eating garbage. In the Weasley home Peter was Scabbers and Scabbers was family.
Peter could've had a family, maybe, he thinks every now and then, he thinks they all could've, him and Remus and Sirius and James. (He tries not to remind himself that James did have a family. He tries not to remember these things, these painful turning points in history. Sometimes he's successful at forgetting.)
*
Peter is not a coward in his own mind. He knows other people disagree, probably disagree a lot.
But in his mind, it's like this: You have two choices, you always have at least two choices. One of them is easy, the other one is difficult. He could've not betrayed his friends and died. This would've, in the long run, proven to be the easier choice. Peter didn't take the easy way out.
Sometimes he attempts to make it all logical and then he hears a laugh.
You're a coward, the Dark Lord says inside Peter's head, and Peter knows he's right. It's just difficult to admit this because he's not them, he's not ...evil. He's a bad person, he knows, but he can't help thinking he doesn't deserve this, all of this, everything so tragic and hopeless.
But he made a choice, and he went with the choice that comes with hardships, the type he just has to endure.
*
In the Weasley household, Peter had a family. His own had never been very interesting or very loving but at the Weasleys he experienced family like he never had before - the warmth, the heated arguments, the cold silences, doors both slammed and slowly shut. Everything that came along with living with a family, and he enjoyed it.
Later on he rarely looks back on his days in the Burrow, because as lovely as the memories are, or perhaps because of that, he doesn't want the Dark Lord to be in on them. They are Peter's and only his.
He learned to know them, his family. He saw Arthur and Molly argue, when Ron accidentally left him downstairs once. He saw Ron cry from anger and sometimes from pain, and like any pet, he tried to make his owner feel better. He didn't know if he helped at all, but Ron's smile as he picked up Scabbers and bumped his nose against the rat's, seemed to say so.
Scabbers wasn't allowed to the dinner table, but Ron took him to most places he went to himself. This included Hogwarts. The moment they arrived, Peter felt a presence he hadn't felt in a long time. He didn't like it. From that moment on, he became a rat.
Not a rat like he had been, the one who lived in comfort and warmth, had plenty to eat and was generally happy. He suddenly became a rat whose heart was filled with fear and terror, a rat who hid and ran and cowered, and shivered in the cold. A sewer rat. A disgusting one.
*
Ron lost him once.
Of course in Peter's mind, Ron didn't lose him, he himself wanted to get lost. So he did, during a field trip one time. There was a sheet the family had spread on the grass, and they had brought lunch and dessert in a basket Molly had carried. Ginny was setting up plates and forks for all nine of them, and one tiny plate for Scabbers. Ron was planning to put little bits of food on it for his rat to enjoy.
Peter remembers the plate and how he still escaped and ran as fast as his little rat feet could carry him. He found a river that flowed fast and he found a road with cars moving 70 miles per hour, and he considered crossing that road.
He had no reason to do it, of course. He was very happy on that moment, very happy being a member of the Weasley family, with his own little plate and own little serving of bits of food. He didn't think he'd have to go back to his past. He wanted to die as a content rat with no fears, no desires. Quit while he was still ahead.
But that would've been taking the easy way out to him, so he did not cross the road, but ran back to Ron, who picked him up. They went home, Peter balancing on Ron's shoulder, and years and years later, Peter looks back on that moment and tries not to feel anything, sadness, happiness, nostalgia.
*
He remembers all the times in school when they were about to go off and do something really ridiculous all in the name of adventure, and he was worried because their adventures usually involved him being the one whose robes would tear or ankle would get twisted and hurt. Then he'd look at Remus, who'd smile and shrug and Sirius, who wouldn't look back, and James, who'd hook his arm around Peter's neck and ruffle his hair.
“Come on, Peter, you've got to live your life to the fullest!” James would say.
“Turning all of Snape's wardrobe yellow is living life to the fullest?” Peter would ask and then, being hopelessly infected by James' joy, he'd grin himself. “All right. I'll go drop off my books in the dormitory and join you in a minute.”
He did live life to the fullest. And James, the one who was most eager to, never had the chance. Peter tries to block out the memory because it doesn't feel right, or fair, and yet, it's the only way he's here himself.
*
The question isn't whether he'd rather be a happy dead body or an unhappy traitor, because he's already both, in a way. The moments he realises this, and that he's not really missing a past, he's just missing a past of his own liking, should feel calming.
They don't.
Sometimes he turns into a rat and hides in dirt, because he feels like it, and then he looks back on summer days and picnics, school days and adventure. He did live his life to the fullest. The thing he most regrets about it is that sometimes he doesn't feel bad that he did. Not bad at all.
Author: fivil
Recipient's name: das_kabinett
Rating: PG-13
Character(s): Peter (mentions of Weasleys, Marauders, Voldemort)
Author's notes: It's rather angsty but hopefully more than that, too. My beta knows who she is.
Peter is missing a hand.
Sometimes, it feels like he's missing a lot more. Pieces of his past, opportunities missed, that sort of thing. He'd rather not look back on it all but at times he has to, even though it's risky - Master could peek into his mind at almost any moment. But it's easier to look back than it is to look forward, where there will be much death and a possible loss, loss of everything he has right now or rather, doesn't have.
He doesn't have much to lose but he's never been one to take the easy way out, in his mind.
*
He remembers when Ronald first held him, the freckled palms surrounding him and he hoped that the boy wouldn't drop him like his brother used to. Ron didn't he just looked at Peter and smiled, and took him upstairs to his new home, the room across his old home.
Peter was Scabbers for a long time, a time he enjoyed and liked, and occasionally misses nowadays, when there's not much but insecurity and fear - and it's now that he actually feel like a rat, hiding in a dirty corner somewhere, eating garbage. In the Weasley home Peter was Scabbers and Scabbers was family.
Peter could've had a family, maybe, he thinks every now and then, he thinks they all could've, him and Remus and Sirius and James. (He tries not to remind himself that James did have a family. He tries not to remember these things, these painful turning points in history. Sometimes he's successful at forgetting.)
*
Peter is not a coward in his own mind. He knows other people disagree, probably disagree a lot.
But in his mind, it's like this: You have two choices, you always have at least two choices. One of them is easy, the other one is difficult. He could've not betrayed his friends and died. This would've, in the long run, proven to be the easier choice. Peter didn't take the easy way out.
Sometimes he attempts to make it all logical and then he hears a laugh.
You're a coward, the Dark Lord says inside Peter's head, and Peter knows he's right. It's just difficult to admit this because he's not them, he's not ...evil. He's a bad person, he knows, but he can't help thinking he doesn't deserve this, all of this, everything so tragic and hopeless.
But he made a choice, and he went with the choice that comes with hardships, the type he just has to endure.
*
In the Weasley household, Peter had a family. His own had never been very interesting or very loving but at the Weasleys he experienced family like he never had before - the warmth, the heated arguments, the cold silences, doors both slammed and slowly shut. Everything that came along with living with a family, and he enjoyed it.
Later on he rarely looks back on his days in the Burrow, because as lovely as the memories are, or perhaps because of that, he doesn't want the Dark Lord to be in on them. They are Peter's and only his.
He learned to know them, his family. He saw Arthur and Molly argue, when Ron accidentally left him downstairs once. He saw Ron cry from anger and sometimes from pain, and like any pet, he tried to make his owner feel better. He didn't know if he helped at all, but Ron's smile as he picked up Scabbers and bumped his nose against the rat's, seemed to say so.
Scabbers wasn't allowed to the dinner table, but Ron took him to most places he went to himself. This included Hogwarts. The moment they arrived, Peter felt a presence he hadn't felt in a long time. He didn't like it. From that moment on, he became a rat.
Not a rat like he had been, the one who lived in comfort and warmth, had plenty to eat and was generally happy. He suddenly became a rat whose heart was filled with fear and terror, a rat who hid and ran and cowered, and shivered in the cold. A sewer rat. A disgusting one.
*
Ron lost him once.
Of course in Peter's mind, Ron didn't lose him, he himself wanted to get lost. So he did, during a field trip one time. There was a sheet the family had spread on the grass, and they had brought lunch and dessert in a basket Molly had carried. Ginny was setting up plates and forks for all nine of them, and one tiny plate for Scabbers. Ron was planning to put little bits of food on it for his rat to enjoy.
Peter remembers the plate and how he still escaped and ran as fast as his little rat feet could carry him. He found a river that flowed fast and he found a road with cars moving 70 miles per hour, and he considered crossing that road.
He had no reason to do it, of course. He was very happy on that moment, very happy being a member of the Weasley family, with his own little plate and own little serving of bits of food. He didn't think he'd have to go back to his past. He wanted to die as a content rat with no fears, no desires. Quit while he was still ahead.
But that would've been taking the easy way out to him, so he did not cross the road, but ran back to Ron, who picked him up. They went home, Peter balancing on Ron's shoulder, and years and years later, Peter looks back on that moment and tries not to feel anything, sadness, happiness, nostalgia.
*
He remembers all the times in school when they were about to go off and do something really ridiculous all in the name of adventure, and he was worried because their adventures usually involved him being the one whose robes would tear or ankle would get twisted and hurt. Then he'd look at Remus, who'd smile and shrug and Sirius, who wouldn't look back, and James, who'd hook his arm around Peter's neck and ruffle his hair.
“Come on, Peter, you've got to live your life to the fullest!” James would say.
“Turning all of Snape's wardrobe yellow is living life to the fullest?” Peter would ask and then, being hopelessly infected by James' joy, he'd grin himself. “All right. I'll go drop off my books in the dormitory and join you in a minute.”
He did live life to the fullest. And James, the one who was most eager to, never had the chance. Peter tries to block out the memory because it doesn't feel right, or fair, and yet, it's the only way he's here himself.
*
The question isn't whether he'd rather be a happy dead body or an unhappy traitor, because he's already both, in a way. The moments he realises this, and that he's not really missing a past, he's just missing a past of his own liking, should feel calming.
They don't.
Sometimes he turns into a rat and hides in dirt, because he feels like it, and then he looks back on summer days and picnics, school days and adventure. He did live his life to the fullest. The thing he most regrets about it is that sometimes he doesn't feel bad that he did. Not bad at all.