A word to the wise.
Who of you can say you actually know me? No one.
Who of you can say, HONESTLY, you've tried to know me? Very few. And if you think you're one of them, ask yourself if you are not lying to yourself. Knowing someone doesn't just mean XYZ. There are things out there that EVERYONE knows about me, and those things don't count. Let's get specific: when I give, do you reciprocate? Do you communicate to me, or assume I know everything cause, like it's right there on your journal? One of my peeves is someone who assumes everyone knows and cares about everything going on in their life cause they share an flist... though they never bother once to look past their own nose at people's lives.
And don't get me started on how impersonal journals are. Most of the people who I developed long-lasting relationships on line with communicate with me on a more personal level, they don't ASSUME that I am reading every word on their journal, glued to my screen for the next dramatic update. It's one reason I rarely post the truly personal stuff to my own personal LJ... for me, the nitty gritty details of my life are for more personal one-on-one time with the people I know who actually give a rat's ass. Not the whole world. But that is me, you may be different... still, don't you fucking dare hold it against people for having their own personal preferences in communication. The key to any type of relationship is personal communication and flexibility. When you neglect a living thing, and relationships are those, they start to decay. They will decay.
Personal. Communication. And flexibility.
I am a very giving and caring person. Usually, it's one sided. I give and give and care and care until... I shut down. Why? Well, usually when I ask myself: has LMNO even once expressed to me what I express to them? When I grieve/care/worry/mourn with them have they once done that with me? When I shut down on the person it's because the answer is NO. Not once in the YEARS that I worried and fretted and mourned and cared for LMNO did they also go the distance with me. I'm very selfless, but this past year I've learned that I MUST be at least a LITTLE selfish to preserve my resources. And because I deserve support and caring too, damnit!
I am going some where with this, I promise.
It's come to my attention that because I have decided to end Can Barely Hide AND openly mourn it's abandonment that some people, more than just one, think I am a selfish, non-understanding-of-life's-troubles, cold, bitter old cunt.
I can't begin to tell how that stung. Stings. Fuck you, none of you who said such shit to me even know me. Not a single one can honestly say you do. AND have you even bothered to see this from my side? No, you wouldn't. Why on earth would you- no one but QRS and CDEF have trouble in life, right? And I must have a perfect life since I never once bitch about the faults in it publicly, right? And I must the world's coldest bitch ever for not continue giving and caring and loving until I am an empty shell inside to someone who rarely, if ever, did the same for me even when she could?
I had a friend once who, for two years, watched her grandma suffer and finally die. Then, a month later, her good friend's grandma started to do the same thing. My friend extracted herself from that friendship. It just hit too close to home for her, she did not have the reserves to go through that again. Never mind that her friend hadn't been there for her... but now suddenly wanted a shoulder. A person can only take so much giving and never recieving. Can only take so much non-communication.
For those of the "she has more important things to worry about" variety... her response to my announcement about an ending, and to my mourning, was within HOURS of me posting it and was with fangs and claws and barbs. I understand having better things to think about, but she didn't once communicate this to me personally despite being online pretty regularly. And she sure seemed up to date on my seeking a shoulder about it. There was also once a time when she'd tell me numerous times that CBH was her escape from her life... so now it was just a chore? That just makes me feel awesome, I tell you what!
Comments screened to keep out the trolls and riff raff who continue to send me hate mail. (Thanks, Lily, that's just awesome of ya to cause that!)
ETA: I still mourn CBH. I still miss the friendship that obviously wasn't real. But the response to MY feelings on the matter, and the total lack of communication (no, just a big exploding bomb in my face) and understanding... has eased a little of the hurt by replacing it with something else... I am not sure what, yet. Anger, maybe. But not exactly anger... some relief is in there.
Who of you can say, HONESTLY, you've tried to know me? Very few. And if you think you're one of them, ask yourself if you are not lying to yourself. Knowing someone doesn't just mean XYZ. There are things out there that EVERYONE knows about me, and those things don't count. Let's get specific: when I give, do you reciprocate? Do you communicate to me, or assume I know everything cause, like it's right there on your journal? One of my peeves is someone who assumes everyone knows and cares about everything going on in their life cause they share an flist... though they never bother once to look past their own nose at people's lives.
And don't get me started on how impersonal journals are. Most of the people who I developed long-lasting relationships on line with communicate with me on a more personal level, they don't ASSUME that I am reading every word on their journal, glued to my screen for the next dramatic update. It's one reason I rarely post the truly personal stuff to my own personal LJ... for me, the nitty gritty details of my life are for more personal one-on-one time with the people I know who actually give a rat's ass. Not the whole world. But that is me, you may be different... still, don't you fucking dare hold it against people for having their own personal preferences in communication. The key to any type of relationship is personal communication and flexibility. When you neglect a living thing, and relationships are those, they start to decay. They will decay.
Personal. Communication. And flexibility.
I am a very giving and caring person. Usually, it's one sided. I give and give and care and care until... I shut down. Why? Well, usually when I ask myself: has LMNO even once expressed to me what I express to them? When I grieve/care/worry/mourn with them have they once done that with me? When I shut down on the person it's because the answer is NO. Not once in the YEARS that I worried and fretted and mourned and cared for LMNO did they also go the distance with me. I'm very selfless, but this past year I've learned that I MUST be at least a LITTLE selfish to preserve my resources. And because I deserve support and caring too, damnit!
I am going some where with this, I promise.
It's come to my attention that because I have decided to end Can Barely Hide AND openly mourn it's abandonment that some people, more than just one, think I am a selfish, non-understanding-of-life's-troubles, cold, bitter old cunt.
I can't begin to tell how that stung. Stings. Fuck you, none of you who said such shit to me even know me. Not a single one can honestly say you do. AND have you even bothered to see this from my side? No, you wouldn't. Why on earth would you- no one but QRS and CDEF have trouble in life, right? And I must have a perfect life since I never once bitch about the faults in it publicly, right? And I must the world's coldest bitch ever for not continue giving and caring and loving until I am an empty shell inside to someone who rarely, if ever, did the same for me even when she could?
I had a friend once who, for two years, watched her grandma suffer and finally die. Then, a month later, her good friend's grandma started to do the same thing. My friend extracted herself from that friendship. It just hit too close to home for her, she did not have the reserves to go through that again. Never mind that her friend hadn't been there for her... but now suddenly wanted a shoulder. A person can only take so much giving and never recieving. Can only take so much non-communication.
For those of the "she has more important things to worry about" variety... her response to my announcement about an ending, and to my mourning, was within HOURS of me posting it and was with fangs and claws and barbs. I understand having better things to think about, but she didn't once communicate this to me personally despite being online pretty regularly. And she sure seemed up to date on my seeking a shoulder about it. There was also once a time when she'd tell me numerous times that CBH was her escape from her life... so now it was just a chore? That just makes me feel awesome, I tell you what!
Comments screened to keep out the trolls and riff raff who continue to send me hate mail. (Thanks, Lily, that's just awesome of ya to cause that!)
ETA: I still mourn CBH. I still miss the friendship that obviously wasn't real. But the response to MY feelings on the matter, and the total lack of communication (no, just a big exploding bomb in my face) and understanding... has eased a little of the hurt by replacing it with something else... I am not sure what, yet. Anger, maybe. But not exactly anger... some relief is in there.