Strange dream
I had the strangest dream Friday night.
I dreamt that I woke up from a coma. Not any coma, a coma which had lasted 5 years...the last five years of my life.
My wife, child, and current job were all figments of my imagination. Or so I thought.
My life was different, I was an entitlement child, so once I got acclimatized I got a new car and a new home.
But I felt something was missing, so I felt I should look up my wife, and maybe a few co-workers from my "dream".
I found them all and doing pretty much what they are doing now, just I wasn't in their life.
I hoped my daughter existed in some form, and she did as a niece.
I didn't really get along with my wife as her demeanor was a lot rougher than it is now.
My old co-workers looked at me with disdain since I smelled of money.
My "niece" knew something was different, but couldn't yet communicate with me since she was the same age as my daughter.
My family was totally different and I didn't value them as much.
I hated who I was and what thoughts would enter my head unbidden.
I felt as if I was watching myself do things half the time.
I this what a person with MPD feels?
I didn't want it to continue, so I tried to just go to sleep in my dream.
Fervently hoping it was a dream, though it seemed so real.
I slept and awoke in a familiar living room from dreams past. A couch on one end and a stereo on a table at the other end.
I sat nervously tapping my feet and hoping someone, or something would explain the dream.
I couldn't wake up.
When I tried I was in full blown sleep paralysis.
I opened my eyes, but couldn't move, it felt as if something was holding me down.
No matter how hard I struggled I just couldn't move.
I thought I saw a dark shadow flit from the front door to the hallway.
I struggled to follow it and stop it....I screamed...
Luckily, the scream was in my head since it seemed as if nobody else was disturbed by it.
I quickly jumped up and ran to my daughters room forgetting she was asleep in my room with my wife so I went to my room to check on my wife and daughter.
Both were asleep peacefully.
I laid back down and slept again.
I opened my eyes to a grey mist and nothing else...whispers
I asked questions, nothing answered, but the whispers became frantic when my thoughts turned to waking up.
I steeled myself and felt this physical rush of wind as the voices became wails.
My eyes snapped open and I stared at the ceiling and passed out again.
No dreaming just sleep.
I have to wonder about our apartment now. While giving Riley baths she will look over your shoulder or head and just stare at the doorway as if someone is there. I hear odd noises in the kitchen from time to time, and I get the heebee jeebies when everybody is quiet (This can be at any point of the day).
On the bright side, what ever has seemed to invade my dreams has backed off. I've always prided myself on being able to control my dreams, so now back to the drawing board to get that control back.
Im a grumpity grump!
Or so my wife has pointed out to me. I don't know what is wrong with my anymore. I can't seem to control anything really, my temper, my urges, my life.
I feel lost. A lot of people have suggested a shrink and meds, I don't know if that is really the answer. I didn't need them before, though circumstances are decidedly different now. I don't know I refuse to think that drug can fix me. They didn't before, although they were great escapes and provided funny escapades. They never fixed me.
I think I just need to come to grips with where I am, and that my actions affect more than just myself. This has been a long hard battle, but fortunately I've had a good wife who isn't afraid to smack me down when I become stupid head hosebeast.
Nothing I am nothing, *breathe*
Born again each day, living breathing becoming something.....
I dreamt that I woke up from a coma. Not any coma, a coma which had lasted 5 years...the last five years of my life.
My wife, child, and current job were all figments of my imagination. Or so I thought.
My life was different, I was an entitlement child, so once I got acclimatized I got a new car and a new home.
But I felt something was missing, so I felt I should look up my wife, and maybe a few co-workers from my "dream".
I found them all and doing pretty much what they are doing now, just I wasn't in their life.
I hoped my daughter existed in some form, and she did as a niece.
I didn't really get along with my wife as her demeanor was a lot rougher than it is now.
My old co-workers looked at me with disdain since I smelled of money.
My "niece" knew something was different, but couldn't yet communicate with me since she was the same age as my daughter.
My family was totally different and I didn't value them as much.
I hated who I was and what thoughts would enter my head unbidden.
I felt as if I was watching myself do things half the time.
I this what a person with MPD feels?
I didn't want it to continue, so I tried to just go to sleep in my dream.
Fervently hoping it was a dream, though it seemed so real.
I slept and awoke in a familiar living room from dreams past. A couch on one end and a stereo on a table at the other end.
I sat nervously tapping my feet and hoping someone, or something would explain the dream.
I couldn't wake up.
When I tried I was in full blown sleep paralysis.
I opened my eyes, but couldn't move, it felt as if something was holding me down.
No matter how hard I struggled I just couldn't move.
I thought I saw a dark shadow flit from the front door to the hallway.
I struggled to follow it and stop it....I screamed...
Luckily, the scream was in my head since it seemed as if nobody else was disturbed by it.
I quickly jumped up and ran to my daughters room forgetting she was asleep in my room with my wife so I went to my room to check on my wife and daughter.
Both were asleep peacefully.
I laid back down and slept again.
I opened my eyes to a grey mist and nothing else...whispers
I asked questions, nothing answered, but the whispers became frantic when my thoughts turned to waking up.
I steeled myself and felt this physical rush of wind as the voices became wails.
My eyes snapped open and I stared at the ceiling and passed out again.
No dreaming just sleep.
I have to wonder about our apartment now. While giving Riley baths she will look over your shoulder or head and just stare at the doorway as if someone is there. I hear odd noises in the kitchen from time to time, and I get the heebee jeebies when everybody is quiet (This can be at any point of the day).
On the bright side, what ever has seemed to invade my dreams has backed off. I've always prided myself on being able to control my dreams, so now back to the drawing board to get that control back.
Im a grumpity grump!
Or so my wife has pointed out to me. I don't know what is wrong with my anymore. I can't seem to control anything really, my temper, my urges, my life.
I feel lost. A lot of people have suggested a shrink and meds, I don't know if that is really the answer. I didn't need them before, though circumstances are decidedly different now. I don't know I refuse to think that drug can fix me. They didn't before, although they were great escapes and provided funny escapades. They never fixed me.
I think I just need to come to grips with where I am, and that my actions affect more than just myself. This has been a long hard battle, but fortunately I've had a good wife who isn't afraid to smack me down when I become stupid head hosebeast.
Nothing I am nothing, *breathe*
Born again each day, living breathing becoming something.....