I LOVE this guy: Sean
This is Sean. He is severely autistic. Sean is non verbal and extremely aggressive. He bites. I posted this about 2 years ago (when i used to write in my journal). I started thinking about it today--maybe my scar was throbbing like Harry Potter's lightning bolt? I think it was a lightning bolt--it's been an even longer time since I thought about Harry:
sean has bitten me. he grabbed my wrist and bit my arm. he wanted bread. i said no.
i don't feel pain. maybe i'm too scared. honestly, i'm not sure what is happening. at first, i think he is just grabbing the area above my wrist--hard---very hard. then, i become aware of this hotness...this hot, wet sensation...and I know. i just know.
my mind goes blank. i remember having pried darren's jaw open before--both when he was biting himself or other clients. that was scary but i was able to act confidently and do what needed to be done. i know what i'm supposed to do right now: bite release, bite guard, call for help, take down, get the helmet, get the cuffs. i am pretty small but i can take down a man twice my size. i can't bring myself to do anything.
what stops me is a sense of shame--shame at being wrong, of thinking the cliched "it won't happen to me." sean is my favorite. he doesn't talk; and despite all of our best efforts, he is very poor at learning sign language. i imagine how frustrated he must feel--not being able to tell us how he feels, what he wants, what he needs. maybe it's his loneliness, his isolation that i relate to. he's out of this world. other than his appearance, there is little about him that is easily identified as human.
despite being warned, i get close to him. physically and emotionally. i touch him. i play with him. he sits next to me and smells my hair. we jump a lot. dance. i make up little games to play with him as a reward for him finishing various programs and jobs the other staff can't get him to do. i'm the only one he lets to scratch his head. he likes that. he likes me, i'm sure. i was warned--don't get too close--physically or emotionally. no matter how much they like you (or is it how much you THINK they like you?), how well you are able to work with them...if you're there when they decide to tantrum, to aggress...it doesn't matter. and sean is the most likely to aggress. and, oh yeah, he bites.
i have a lot of experience with sean's tantrums. he gets frustrated. normally, he has some sort of antecedent behavior--noncompliance, knitted brow, pounding the table. he has kicked me, hit me, head butted me, pushed me, screamed at me--and that hardly phased me; didn't scare me and didn't hurt. but now, very quickly and with hardly any warning, his teeth are on my flesh and i stand motionless.
it seemed like minutes but could only have been seconds for reality to set in. a person is biting me--actually trying to bite a chunk off me. although the strongest feeling i have is one of embarassment, i know that i will not handle well a serious injury. i can't remember what to do so i call for help. ryan comes in, but as soon as i opened my mouth, sean let go. he doesn't even have one of his normal tantrums. perhaps--having his first successful bite since december--he feels sated, relaxed?
i put ice on my wound. the skin is broken, but i'm not bleeding. i go to the doctor. the receptionist asks me what i'm there for. i was bitten, i say. oh, by a...dog? no, i answer, a human.
i forgive sean, of course, and the next day, i am back to sitting on the floor with him. we are rolling a ball back and forth to each other. my arm is swollen and heavily bruised. the colors are impressive. from wrist to elbow are the colors blue, purple, green, yellow. i wear two large band-aids to cover most of the bruis so none of the other clients will talk about it. sean sits next to me, as he is wont to do and takes my hand in his and slaps it against his other hand. when he is tired of our hand-clapping game, i show him my band-aid. he touches it--he likes touching objects of various textures. he runs his fingers over the band-aid. most likely, he just likes how smooth it feels against his fingers but i pretend that he knows, that he remembers, that he is sorry. and i am happy.
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that was about almost two years ago. my relationship with sean is one of the most amazing things to have happened to me. the love you can feel for another person--almost against reason, the fun that you can have, the communication without words...he likes me, i'm sure of it. i do wonder if he will remember me remember me when i leave. He is 40 years old--looks good for his age, huh?
Sean likes listening to his radio and playing with socks. (I LOVE this guy!) He has a weakness for bread and likes to trace the lines on his hand. He also likes taking off his clothes and running around naked (sometimes in public places). If he sees an article of clothing laying around, he will put on said piece of clothing regardless of whose it is. That is how this happened:
I normally wear a size small. Luckily for the both of us, HL runs very LARGE.
I never learn. Today:
I love this photo:
I feel such a weird peace when it's the end of the day and I'm just sitting next to him. Two lonely souls. We can't really understand each other but that somehow makes everything more precious to me.
sean has bitten me. he grabbed my wrist and bit my arm. he wanted bread. i said no.
i don't feel pain. maybe i'm too scared. honestly, i'm not sure what is happening. at first, i think he is just grabbing the area above my wrist--hard---very hard. then, i become aware of this hotness...this hot, wet sensation...and I know. i just know.
my mind goes blank. i remember having pried darren's jaw open before--both when he was biting himself or other clients. that was scary but i was able to act confidently and do what needed to be done. i know what i'm supposed to do right now: bite release, bite guard, call for help, take down, get the helmet, get the cuffs. i am pretty small but i can take down a man twice my size. i can't bring myself to do anything.
what stops me is a sense of shame--shame at being wrong, of thinking the cliched "it won't happen to me." sean is my favorite. he doesn't talk; and despite all of our best efforts, he is very poor at learning sign language. i imagine how frustrated he must feel--not being able to tell us how he feels, what he wants, what he needs. maybe it's his loneliness, his isolation that i relate to. he's out of this world. other than his appearance, there is little about him that is easily identified as human.
despite being warned, i get close to him. physically and emotionally. i touch him. i play with him. he sits next to me and smells my hair. we jump a lot. dance. i make up little games to play with him as a reward for him finishing various programs and jobs the other staff can't get him to do. i'm the only one he lets to scratch his head. he likes that. he likes me, i'm sure. i was warned--don't get too close--physically or emotionally. no matter how much they like you (or is it how much you THINK they like you?), how well you are able to work with them...if you're there when they decide to tantrum, to aggress...it doesn't matter. and sean is the most likely to aggress. and, oh yeah, he bites.
i have a lot of experience with sean's tantrums. he gets frustrated. normally, he has some sort of antecedent behavior--noncompliance, knitted brow, pounding the table. he has kicked me, hit me, head butted me, pushed me, screamed at me--and that hardly phased me; didn't scare me and didn't hurt. but now, very quickly and with hardly any warning, his teeth are on my flesh and i stand motionless.
it seemed like minutes but could only have been seconds for reality to set in. a person is biting me--actually trying to bite a chunk off me. although the strongest feeling i have is one of embarassment, i know that i will not handle well a serious injury. i can't remember what to do so i call for help. ryan comes in, but as soon as i opened my mouth, sean let go. he doesn't even have one of his normal tantrums. perhaps--having his first successful bite since december--he feels sated, relaxed?
i put ice on my wound. the skin is broken, but i'm not bleeding. i go to the doctor. the receptionist asks me what i'm there for. i was bitten, i say. oh, by a...dog? no, i answer, a human.
i forgive sean, of course, and the next day, i am back to sitting on the floor with him. we are rolling a ball back and forth to each other. my arm is swollen and heavily bruised. the colors are impressive. from wrist to elbow are the colors blue, purple, green, yellow. i wear two large band-aids to cover most of the bruis so none of the other clients will talk about it. sean sits next to me, as he is wont to do and takes my hand in his and slaps it against his other hand. when he is tired of our hand-clapping game, i show him my band-aid. he touches it--he likes touching objects of various textures. he runs his fingers over the band-aid. most likely, he just likes how smooth it feels against his fingers but i pretend that he knows, that he remembers, that he is sorry. and i am happy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
that was about almost two years ago. my relationship with sean is one of the most amazing things to have happened to me. the love you can feel for another person--almost against reason, the fun that you can have, the communication without words...he likes me, i'm sure of it. i do wonder if he will remember me remember me when i leave. He is 40 years old--looks good for his age, huh?
Sean likes listening to his radio and playing with socks. (I LOVE this guy!) He has a weakness for bread and likes to trace the lines on his hand. He also likes taking off his clothes and running around naked (sometimes in public places). If he sees an article of clothing laying around, he will put on said piece of clothing regardless of whose it is. That is how this happened:
I normally wear a size small. Luckily for the both of us, HL runs very LARGE.
I never learn. Today:
I love this photo:
I feel such a weird peace when it's the end of the day and I'm just sitting next to him. Two lonely souls. We can't really understand each other but that somehow makes everything more precious to me.