When the fire burns out...
Finally had some time sit and type it all up, here goes.
from a couple weeks ago at work and some thoughts from the last couple weeks
What a coincidence that Im talking about fire on the fourth of july lol..
------------
7:10 AM 6/23/2008
My brother thanks for continuing to lift my spirits and light my way in my time of need.
What a week, by far one of the toughest in a long time.
I haven't been this tired in years and given the similarities its really no surprise
The body hasn't carried this much pain since the days of double workouts & walks to school.
Painful days & long nights of recovery.
Now I feel better equipped to endure further pain
but it doesn't help all that much.
Just have to bear through it like Atlas & carry the load.
The bright spots still bring a smile & that's always a welcoming sight.
..so all your best thoughts drift through space. I know a place where we can carry on..
[Oh I can see the connection now, more on this later.]
I walked in after missing out on plan A & scared plan B wouldn't fall through,
luckily for me it did.
She smiled as I walked in and let me know they didn't close till 2.
I sat down and had a steak and potatoes. Long time since I enjoyed a plate and surprisingly enough it wasn't bad considering where I was.
She was small and had a nice smile and sparkle in her eyes that night. Either she enjoyed having me there since I was about the same age she was or she was just happy the shift was nearly done and not many people were there.
Looking around, the other guys there were 40-50 year old's drinking by the bar, along with the noisy old couple sitting in the booth next to me with the cougar who looked at me like WTF?? is this guy writing?! lol. I loved it.
I took out my pocketbook and started finishing up some of my writing binge pieces while thinking about the steps for the next couple months.
When I got stuck on ideas I started thinking over the plan I was considering
A much needed, well deserved break was looking very promising but something inside felt uncertain.
I can see now why it turned out for the better that I applied late for the USC job.
:D
Given that working full time for a year and saving up my money to return to school next year is a good plan. I realized a couple days later a new approach was on the horizon.
---------------
I have realized now what destroyed me for so long.
I closed the door on myself.
Shut my own eyes.
Extinguished my fire.
And when that happens it is no surprise things fall apart.
It started in '05 and I was blind to what was going on even back then.
Fear is the mind killer.
Well from now on it is no longer a part of me.
In being afraid of not landing a job once I finished my degree in Art, I opted to pick up Computer Science. Unfortunately I didn't have the strong foundation in math to breeze through it. The intelligence is there. Unquestioned.
But after repeated failures, and growing self-pressure, I just slowly started to fall apart.
I still want to finish it up, but for now its not part of my plan.
I can honestly say I will finish this later. I do not quit EVER.
Deep inside I strongly believe it to be true that I will come back and master CS but for now
I have walked through hell long enough to realize its time to end the misery.
It happened inside and transformed to my exterior.
Gone were the days of reading, drawing, painting & playing guitar.
Creativity was a valuable and dominant aspect of my life growing up.
I remember countless days spent in my room drawing away and the excitement when I first bought my desk and actually used it to draw and not simply as a piece of furniture to place things on like I have now.
Why I closed the door on it is a question I ask myself but
cleaning out old papers a week ago brought it all back.
I went in determined to get a degree with art.
The field was not known but I knew I was getting out of CSU with an art degree, from there the sky was [and still is] the limit.
San Francisco. New York. Long Beach were possible destinations, and hell all of them offer excellent Art schools itching for new and anxious talent.
Will I still go?.. :)
Will the sun still rise? of course.
I cant wait to get done with this now. I now have a better idea what's out there for me.
Looking at the list I was pulling last week for Graphic Design jobs was ridiculous.
Endless offers for GD and all in top quality firms too.
I should've done this years ago, but like my friend Siddartha it seems I was supposed to nearly kill myself for 3 years + to come to this time when I was ready.
Which makes it that much more inspiring when I come to find I had a 3.0 avg in my GD classes. :) another sign I was supposed to follow it first.
Computer Science was second and should always have been.
Now the Dr. tells me I am a year and a half from being done once I return full time.
Aw man the excitement and anxiousness is exponentially high.
The fire has been reignited.
I cant wait to hit the 101 class in two weeks now.
4 classes left after that and then the readmission process begins.
Followed by the return of financial aid!
Another burden off my back.
And culminating with my resignation from the Box factory.
Good riddance!
Nothing is blocking my path now.
The first sign came in the first week of June when I got my final grade from my creative writing class: Motherf-cking A!
Not a B or C or C- like in my previous english classes where I submitted all my sh-t late or it was only enough to get by. No, everything was in on time and it all kicked ass. I put everything I had into my assignments and I got the credit I deserved along with the praise for my natural ability to write.
Evident by that A.
And of all things it was a CREATIVE writing class.
Looking back on the last 3 years, I feel I should apologize to everyone for having closed the door on myself and in the process put everyone through the obvious frustration I was feeling within but was unaware of outside.
I denied everyone the real Danny.
That cool bad-ass artist that grew up reading comics and daydreaming of painting when he grew up.
For that I am truly sorry.
In my delusional state when I was disqualified from Cal St and prior to it, I believed I could simply take care of my Computer Science degree while spending my free time on some art project.
But that was never the case.
I was always too burnt out from either studying or work to have the energy and inspiration to create anything.
This writing class was a huge blessing.
Not only did it open my third eye but it made me realize the power fear had over me the past few years. But it opened yet another door for me. The writing world.
I was always told I had the ability and that I was very articulate with my words. Now I actually believe it and see it.
I am not going to stop this either now that I am pursuing my GD path.
Going back to the fear thing,
One of my biggest fears growing up has always been of one day owning a studio and dying while painting a beautiful massive mural. The fumes from the paint become too much and I either forget to open the windows or there was simply not enough ventilation, but I saw myself laying in front of the canvas on the ground and it was either my girlfriend, wife or some family member who came to visit and found me on the floor. The grief from my death on my family and friend along with the cries for help always haunted me and made me think twice about actually owning a studio.
Will it be the way I end this life? I don't know.
But I can't fear that anymore.
Malcolm and Martin both knew they would die and when they stopped fearing it they became incredibly powerful.
Im not saying I will have an impact on the scale they both had, or am comparing myself to them. But I do realize that in losing that fear they managed to go ahead with what they truly believed in and wanted to do in life.
If painting brings me to the grave then I will at least have lived the life I always wanted with art, since I have already learned that to live without it is not a life I want to live.
At this point I am headed home.
I drifted away from myself for 4 years and the price I paid was high.
Mental, physical stress and pain barely describe it.
And to do so will only bring back painful memories.
I need to keep moving.
All this time I haven't been moving and its no surprise I failed often and became so frustrated my creative side withered away and my moods shifted back and forth when interacting with everyone.
I became a dick when talking to people or would just have trouble interacting.
Hell I even became distant.
But I always noticed that when given the opportunity, I always struck up conversations with random people out and about and talked it up like we were old friends.
Something within me I guess always comes across as genuine and I'm glad it still did.
I have never been one to deceit. To do so made no sense to me.
Given all the crap we put each other through and that we each go through, why add to it?
We cannot survive living on our own. Its a fact. We need interaction.
However since I destroyed my own spirit, my ability to interact fully was diminished and only brief glimpses of it made it through.
Now with the new found surge of fire within, I am all smiles now.
Aware of whats going on and actually easier to talk to.
A deep heartfelt thanks is due to all the guiding spirits I have met along this path.
Mainly the women.
I noticed there has always been a woman there to help, sorta like the mother of creation maybe, making her presence known through the body of the countless women Ive encountered.
I always believed there was a higher being like a God, but at the same time the beliefs of Mayan elders also touched something inside. The ancestors, who unfortunately I fear I will never know, look after me by sending me help and protecting me from destroying myself completely.
Looking at the 5 I have met in just the last month who helped me reignite my fire. I am eternally grateful for their support and guidance. Guidance has always been one of my weaknesses since at an early age I was subject to abandonment from people who I turned to for help. My cousin, my supposed tutors, teachers, and to some extent my parents [who recently admitted it to me]. I didn't let it stop me. But to say I didn't suffer because of it is foolish.
For the first time in years I am excited to be a student again.
This art history class will be a welcoming change from the world of numbers.
The 3rd eye designs are already starting to pierce through again.
In time I know it will all come flooding back.
Inspiration never stops.
The reading has definitely helped too and will continue to feed my fire.
Rot box, your grip on me has ended!
These eyes are open and this soul is burning bright again.
- - Soulfly - -
Life is one big road with lots of signs,
So when you riding through the ruts, don't you complicate your mind:
Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy!
Don't bury your thoughts; put your vision to reality, yeah!
Open your eyes and look within:
Are you satisfied with the life you're living?
Wake up and live now
Wake up and live!
Rise from your sleepless slumber! Yes, yeah! Yes, yeah!
Emancipate yourself from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds.
There's work to be done,
So let's do it-a little by little:
Two prayers I'm praying
Until we're together
One promise I'm keeping
Tonight and forever
I'll never turn
I'll never bend
I'm with you now
Until the end
: )
from a couple weeks ago at work and some thoughts from the last couple weeks
What a coincidence that Im talking about fire on the fourth of july lol..
------------
7:10 AM 6/23/2008
My brother thanks for continuing to lift my spirits and light my way in my time of need.
What a week, by far one of the toughest in a long time.
I haven't been this tired in years and given the similarities its really no surprise
The body hasn't carried this much pain since the days of double workouts & walks to school.
Painful days & long nights of recovery.
Now I feel better equipped to endure further pain
but it doesn't help all that much.
Just have to bear through it like Atlas & carry the load.
The bright spots still bring a smile & that's always a welcoming sight.
..so all your best thoughts drift through space. I know a place where we can carry on..
[Oh I can see the connection now, more on this later.]
I walked in after missing out on plan A & scared plan B wouldn't fall through,
luckily for me it did.
She smiled as I walked in and let me know they didn't close till 2.
I sat down and had a steak and potatoes. Long time since I enjoyed a plate and surprisingly enough it wasn't bad considering where I was.
She was small and had a nice smile and sparkle in her eyes that night. Either she enjoyed having me there since I was about the same age she was or she was just happy the shift was nearly done and not many people were there.
Looking around, the other guys there were 40-50 year old's drinking by the bar, along with the noisy old couple sitting in the booth next to me with the cougar who looked at me like WTF?? is this guy writing?! lol. I loved it.
I took out my pocketbook and started finishing up some of my writing binge pieces while thinking about the steps for the next couple months.
When I got stuck on ideas I started thinking over the plan I was considering
A much needed, well deserved break was looking very promising but something inside felt uncertain.
I can see now why it turned out for the better that I applied late for the USC job.
:D
Given that working full time for a year and saving up my money to return to school next year is a good plan. I realized a couple days later a new approach was on the horizon.
---------------
I have realized now what destroyed me for so long.
I closed the door on myself.
Shut my own eyes.
Extinguished my fire.
And when that happens it is no surprise things fall apart.
It started in '05 and I was blind to what was going on even back then.
Fear is the mind killer.
Well from now on it is no longer a part of me.
In being afraid of not landing a job once I finished my degree in Art, I opted to pick up Computer Science. Unfortunately I didn't have the strong foundation in math to breeze through it. The intelligence is there. Unquestioned.
But after repeated failures, and growing self-pressure, I just slowly started to fall apart.
I still want to finish it up, but for now its not part of my plan.
I can honestly say I will finish this later. I do not quit EVER.
Deep inside I strongly believe it to be true that I will come back and master CS but for now
I have walked through hell long enough to realize its time to end the misery.
It happened inside and transformed to my exterior.
Gone were the days of reading, drawing, painting & playing guitar.
Creativity was a valuable and dominant aspect of my life growing up.
I remember countless days spent in my room drawing away and the excitement when I first bought my desk and actually used it to draw and not simply as a piece of furniture to place things on like I have now.
Why I closed the door on it is a question I ask myself but
cleaning out old papers a week ago brought it all back.
I went in determined to get a degree with art.
The field was not known but I knew I was getting out of CSU with an art degree, from there the sky was [and still is] the limit.
San Francisco. New York. Long Beach were possible destinations, and hell all of them offer excellent Art schools itching for new and anxious talent.
Will I still go?.. :)
Will the sun still rise? of course.
I cant wait to get done with this now. I now have a better idea what's out there for me.
Looking at the list I was pulling last week for Graphic Design jobs was ridiculous.
Endless offers for GD and all in top quality firms too.
I should've done this years ago, but like my friend Siddartha it seems I was supposed to nearly kill myself for 3 years + to come to this time when I was ready.
Which makes it that much more inspiring when I come to find I had a 3.0 avg in my GD classes. :) another sign I was supposed to follow it first.
Computer Science was second and should always have been.
Now the Dr. tells me I am a year and a half from being done once I return full time.
Aw man the excitement and anxiousness is exponentially high.
The fire has been reignited.
I cant wait to hit the 101 class in two weeks now.
4 classes left after that and then the readmission process begins.
Followed by the return of financial aid!
Another burden off my back.
And culminating with my resignation from the Box factory.
Good riddance!
Nothing is blocking my path now.
The first sign came in the first week of June when I got my final grade from my creative writing class: Motherf-cking A!
Not a B or C or C- like in my previous english classes where I submitted all my sh-t late or it was only enough to get by. No, everything was in on time and it all kicked ass. I put everything I had into my assignments and I got the credit I deserved along with the praise for my natural ability to write.
Evident by that A.
And of all things it was a CREATIVE writing class.
Looking back on the last 3 years, I feel I should apologize to everyone for having closed the door on myself and in the process put everyone through the obvious frustration I was feeling within but was unaware of outside.
I denied everyone the real Danny.
That cool bad-ass artist that grew up reading comics and daydreaming of painting when he grew up.
For that I am truly sorry.
In my delusional state when I was disqualified from Cal St and prior to it, I believed I could simply take care of my Computer Science degree while spending my free time on some art project.
But that was never the case.
I was always too burnt out from either studying or work to have the energy and inspiration to create anything.
This writing class was a huge blessing.
Not only did it open my third eye but it made me realize the power fear had over me the past few years. But it opened yet another door for me. The writing world.
I was always told I had the ability and that I was very articulate with my words. Now I actually believe it and see it.
I am not going to stop this either now that I am pursuing my GD path.
Going back to the fear thing,
One of my biggest fears growing up has always been of one day owning a studio and dying while painting a beautiful massive mural. The fumes from the paint become too much and I either forget to open the windows or there was simply not enough ventilation, but I saw myself laying in front of the canvas on the ground and it was either my girlfriend, wife or some family member who came to visit and found me on the floor. The grief from my death on my family and friend along with the cries for help always haunted me and made me think twice about actually owning a studio.
Will it be the way I end this life? I don't know.
But I can't fear that anymore.
Malcolm and Martin both knew they would die and when they stopped fearing it they became incredibly powerful.
Im not saying I will have an impact on the scale they both had, or am comparing myself to them. But I do realize that in losing that fear they managed to go ahead with what they truly believed in and wanted to do in life.
If painting brings me to the grave then I will at least have lived the life I always wanted with art, since I have already learned that to live without it is not a life I want to live.
At this point I am headed home.
I drifted away from myself for 4 years and the price I paid was high.
Mental, physical stress and pain barely describe it.
And to do so will only bring back painful memories.
I need to keep moving.
All this time I haven't been moving and its no surprise I failed often and became so frustrated my creative side withered away and my moods shifted back and forth when interacting with everyone.
I became a dick when talking to people or would just have trouble interacting.
Hell I even became distant.
But I always noticed that when given the opportunity, I always struck up conversations with random people out and about and talked it up like we were old friends.
Something within me I guess always comes across as genuine and I'm glad it still did.
I have never been one to deceit. To do so made no sense to me.
Given all the crap we put each other through and that we each go through, why add to it?
We cannot survive living on our own. Its a fact. We need interaction.
However since I destroyed my own spirit, my ability to interact fully was diminished and only brief glimpses of it made it through.
Now with the new found surge of fire within, I am all smiles now.
Aware of whats going on and actually easier to talk to.
A deep heartfelt thanks is due to all the guiding spirits I have met along this path.
Mainly the women.
I noticed there has always been a woman there to help, sorta like the mother of creation maybe, making her presence known through the body of the countless women Ive encountered.
I always believed there was a higher being like a God, but at the same time the beliefs of Mayan elders also touched something inside. The ancestors, who unfortunately I fear I will never know, look after me by sending me help and protecting me from destroying myself completely.
Looking at the 5 I have met in just the last month who helped me reignite my fire. I am eternally grateful for their support and guidance. Guidance has always been one of my weaknesses since at an early age I was subject to abandonment from people who I turned to for help. My cousin, my supposed tutors, teachers, and to some extent my parents [who recently admitted it to me]. I didn't let it stop me. But to say I didn't suffer because of it is foolish.
For the first time in years I am excited to be a student again.
This art history class will be a welcoming change from the world of numbers.
The 3rd eye designs are already starting to pierce through again.
In time I know it will all come flooding back.
Inspiration never stops.
The reading has definitely helped too and will continue to feed my fire.
Rot box, your grip on me has ended!
These eyes are open and this soul is burning bright again.
- - Soulfly - -
Life is one big road with lots of signs,
So when you riding through the ruts, don't you complicate your mind:
Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy!
Don't bury your thoughts; put your vision to reality, yeah!
Open your eyes and look within:
Are you satisfied with the life you're living?
Wake up and live now
Wake up and live!
Rise from your sleepless slumber! Yes, yeah! Yes, yeah!
Emancipate yourself from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds.
There's work to be done,
So let's do it-a little by little:
Two prayers I'm praying
Until we're together
One promise I'm keeping
Tonight and forever
I'll never turn
I'll never bend
I'm with you now
Until the end
: )