Lets just say there was someone. A friend. And they were leaving me.
Another country, another school, another timezone so bizarrely opposite that it killed live chat. Them and their early bedtime.
God I tried. Emails, back and forth, until their responses became single sentences and tapered off to nothing.
They were busy, they had to study. It wasn't the first time I'd missed a response.
I didn't bother with another email to alert them. My fault. Their fault.
Here I sit, and I'm waiting for school to be over, and then maybe I'll send another message.
That's the consequence - me getting lazy.
What was so damned stupid however, was how weak I was.
"Oh no, let's stay away so it'll hurt less."
Last person I ever spilled anything without censorship to, and I decided to wall them off months before they left. Physical distance. Emotional distance. But I'm usually so responsive and reactive that they didn't suspect a thing.
There was family shit they went through and I wasn't there for them. Then the next we talked they were mostly fine, and I realize I could've made it better like I normally did, sooner. Not my fault, but still.
I feel shame so rarely I can't even remember it well. I only know that I felt it intellectually - that was the worst case. Now it's just dull anguish and camera flashes dying into the darkness.