Gerry + Jason + Hotel = Hedonism
Exclusive: Inside Gerard and Jason’s Hedonism Hotel
New York (Daily Star) - As we reported yesterday, Gerard Butler and Jason Statham have been caught in a steamy elevator romance, but today the Daily Star has an exclusive look inside of the hotel room of one Bruce Wayne, identified by a friend as Gerard Butler himself, at Manhattan’s Paradise Hotel. Eyewitness and Paradise Hotel maid Carmella Stewart, as well as surveillance footage provided exclusively to the Daily Star by an anonymous source proves that Mr. Wayne and his guest were caught canoodling before fleeing the premises.
Thanks to Paradise Hotel security guard Daisy Mae Finkelstein of Manhattan, 26, we now have our first look inside of the room shared for the past three nights on the Upper East Side. Miss Finkelstein allowed us access into the untouched room - she says the reservation on the room ran out this morning, and neither Butler nor Statham returned to claim their belongings.
“It looks like any other abandoned room to me, really. Nothing out of the ordinary,” Miss Finkelstein told us as she escorted us to room 709, the Honeymoon Suite of the popular middle-scale hotel and sometimes celebrity haunt. “Clothes, some toiletries, a copy of ‘300’ on DVD. Just normal stuff.”
With Miss Finkelstein’s permission, we took our own look over the room with the promise not to touch anything - the possessions are to be returned via mail tomorrow. We found some interesting items, other than ‘300’, cited by some as discretely homoerotic - our best guesses as to the purpose of the DVD to the two gentlemen. Other objects scattered across the room, somewhat unorganized but otherwise rather clean, included a copy of GQ magazine, copy of the ‘Watchmen’ graphic novel complete with illegible notes that Miss Finkelstein showed us, and a tube of Astroglide.
“I’m no homophone (sic),” Miss Finkelstein confided in us, “but these two men, I knew something was up with them, that they weren’t just friends. The couple in 707 called down to my desk last night about an hour before those guys left saying they were raising Hell in their room. Moaning and creaking and scratching across the floor. I knocked on their door, the taller of them answered wearing a bathrobe, and apologized profusely. An hour later they were gone, and that’s the last time anyone here saw them.”
Hotel management has yet to respond to our request for more information, but Miss Finkelstein was a burgeoning source on the subject of the men, along with other secretive celebrity couples that have used the hotel since she joined the Paradise Hotel security team in 2007. Among the more confusing celebrity pairs that she has seen come through the doors included Paris Hilton with Bill Murray in 2008, ‘Gossip Girl’ star Chase Crawford and N’Sync heartthrob J.C. Chasez, and Clinton-era Secretary of State Madeleine Albright and reality TV star Flavor Flav.
“We get plenty of celebrities here, because come on, who else would stay here? We’re on a back street, nowhere near anything of note, the building is cruddy, the service sucks, and you have people like me who take bribes,” Finkelstein said. “If Carmella wouldn’t have followed the hotel code of conduct, those two guys would still be under the radar as a couple.”
While neither actors’s representatives have yet to respond to our request for more details, a friend of Mr. Statham came forward today to provide some insight into the gentlemen’s relationship. “They met through Guy Ritchie, while Gerry was in talks to star in ‘RocknRolla’. They both come off as so big and strong and mean but they’re both sweethearts. They take care of one another, but come on, their entire image for both of them is based off being a man’s man. If the world found out they were gay - which they have, I guess - then their careers would be ruined, and that is what they are afraid of right now. They wanted to come out since they were tired of the charades, but not like this.”
THIS STORY IS FAKE FAKE FAKE FANFICTION. IT IS NOT REAL. GERARD BUTLER AND JASON STATHAM ARE NOT A COUPLE. I WISH, BUT NO. THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION PLAIN AND SIMPLE. Thank you.