you're still here ; onkey
you're still here.
onkey, pg-13 I would say.
angst... angst that made me cry while writing ;_; (character death)
4,300++ words
*** >> Another scene.
/// >> after a few mins, 30 at most.
--- >> change dream scene.
"Kibum," Jinki whispered, giving the younger boy a shock. He turned around and faced Jinki, feelings goose bumps trail up his back. "What are you doing? It doesn't smell like you're cooking chicken." Kibum pushed Jinki away and chuckled. The sudden rush of butterflies that shocked through him was unexpected and Kibum didn't know what to say.
He turned back to the instant noodles he was making for everybody as their lunch and shrugged. "It's chicken flavoured though. Isn't that good enough?"
Without a reply from Jinki, Kibum put the last sachets of flavouring into the bowls and gave each of it a good stir. The bowls were piping hot and Kibum used a tray to bring it to the members who were sitting in the living room with Jinki trailing behind him. Once he appeared, every one rushed to the low table and sat down, eager to start eating.
Taemin glanced at the tray with a little confusion on his face as he took a bowl for himself. He glanced at his hyungs- Minho and Jonghyun- and saw that they looked a little worried, or maybe even upset, but they didn't say anything as Kibum sat down and clapped once.
"Sorry for taking so long," he muttered and immediately took a sip of the soup. The other members quietly started to eat. Kibum turned to look at Jinki who was standing a little behind them. "It's going to get cold if you just stare at it."
Jinki smiled and put his hands on his stomach. "I'm actually not feeling very good today. I'll skip lunch. Thanks though Kibummie." Kibum simply nodded and felt his heart drop because Jinki didn't want to eat with them. He caught Jonghyun's eyes and raised his eyebrows.
"Jjong?"
"Er?"
"Stop staring at me."
"Um... Kibum..."
"What?"
Jonghyun thought twice about what he wanted to say and just shook his head. He slurped the last bit of his soup that he wanted to have and excused himself from the table. Taemin watched with questioning, childlike eyes as Jonghyun walked to the kitchen with his bowl . He turned to Minho. The taller boy couldn't give Taemin an answer because he wouldn't understand.. Taemin can't understand what Kibum is doing and how it's affecting the rest of them- excluding Taemin of course because he was yet to figure out what was happening.
"Hy-"
"Shh, Taemin-ah. Finish your food," Minho said softly. The maknae did as he was told and soon left. Minho took the opportunity to talk to Kibum.
"Kibum, something is wrong here," he started. Kibum looked up from under his eye lashes, a noodle still dangling from his mouth. "Stop it, stop pretending... This is hard for me to say but please, Kibum, you have to just face the truth. It's affecting all of us."
Kibum sucked the food into his mouth and chewed with a deep frown. He took some time to drink up the last bit of soup before putting his chopsticks over the bowl. "What are you talking about?"
Minho nearly face palmed because it was too dramatic even for Kibum to take time to answer. He set his jaw and sighed deeply. Maybe this wasn't the time to talk to him.
"Forget it."
With that, he stood up and left a slightly upset Kibum.
***
Thunder roared overhead and Kibum looked up. The sky was becoming darker and wind was picking up, blowing across their faces and messing up their hair. In front Minho and Taemin had their heads together, deep in conversation while Jonghyun and Jinki were trailing slightly behind him. Kibum raced up to the two members in front and handed them a pocket umbrella.
"Just in case. We're still far away from the restaurant." Then he turned back and waited for the two others to catch up. Jonghyun walked in front of Jinki and took it, smiling at Kibum and opening it. He put it over his head and shaded Kibum as well. The younger boy seemed surprised and turned to look behind.
"It's going to rain, better get under quick. Sorry I didn't bring another umbrella, hyung."
"It's okay," Jinki replied, "I don't think it'll rain heavily until we've reached the diner."
"If there is anything, squeeze in with me and Jonghyun okay?" Kibum started to walk ahead, feeling a worry inside of him for their leader. The complexity of the situation was making Jonghyun's mind go crazy. He was thinking hard, thinking about why Kibum was acting like this and why he wouldn't stop pretending. As he matched his speed with Kibum's, he glanced behind a few times and decided to just figure out why.
"Kibum-ah? Do you remember what happened 5 months ago?"
Kibum turned to look at him. "I only remember Taemin falling sick, really sick in fact. His forehead was like a heated pan."
"Anything else?"
Kibum looked behind at Jinki and thought for a long time. The leader was absent-mindedly looking at the floor, probably feeling a little tired because of the lack of sleep he had. Kibum felt sorry because it was always the leader who had to work the hardest during the weeks.
"Jinki-hyung got sick too," the young boy started slowly. Jonghyun felt his heart do a flip and he urged Kibum to continue. "Really sick. It was like... like he sucked out all the sickness from our maknae. Sounds crazy but he had the exact symptoms as Taemin. Only it was more intense."
The worst part was yet to come. "So, what happened after Jinki fell sick?"
"He got admitted into the hospital, of course. Manager hyung wouldn't even dream about letting a thing as bad as this past."
"And how was Jinki doing?"
Here, Kibum paused and squinted his eyes, trying to recall any incidences that had happened while he was in the hospital room. "He got better. I remember him telling me that he was going to get better." Kibum stopped in his tracks and looked at Jonghyun. The sky was getting darker and a slight drizzle was starting. "And he did," he muttered. Without waiting for Jonghyun to reply and gawk, he turned around and Jinki stared right into his eyes.
"You go first, Jjong. We've actually almost reached the restaurant." He heard Jonghyun heave a sigh and then footsteps walking away from him.
"Hyung, what is he talking to me about?"
"Don't worry about it, Kibummie. Let's just go, okay?" Jinki gave him one of his dorky smiles and started to walk ahead. Kibum nodded and sadly started to trail behind.
///
Minho, Taemin and Jonghyun had already reached and was waiting outside for the two of them. Taemin ran up to Kibum and tugged his hand. "Hyung, I'm hungry," he complained and hurriedly dragged him towards the restaurant. Kibum pulled his hand away gently and went up to the receptionist.
"Uh, I booked a few hours ago. Under the name Kibum," he told her with a smile. The young lady returned it and immediately showed them to their private room, slightly flushed at the sight of idols. Kibum turned around but was surprised to see one head missing. When they sat down, he turned to Jonghyun.
"Jjong... Where is Jinki?"
The older boy looked back at him as if he had more than one head and didn't even want to reply. A loud inhale of breathe made the both of them whip their heads to the side. Taemin was looking at Kibum, flustered and on the urge of getting upset. He glanced around the room.
"Kibum-hyung..."
"Do you know where Jinki went? He was just behind me." Kibum frowned and took out his cell phone. Quickly he typed in Jinki's number and waited for an answer. He ignored Taemin's hand grabbing, Minho's penetrating stare and Jonghyun's deep sigh. Kibum stood up and left the room. Just as he stepped out the phone clicked and he heard Jinki's voice.
"Hello?"
"Oh... Hyung?"
"Yes, Kibummie?"
"Where are you? You couldn't have lost your way, you were right behind me."
"I'm on my way to the dorm actually. Just as I saw the restaurant, I felt this wave of nausea wash through me. Sorry I'm missing out on this rare occasion again."
"Oh... Oh, it's okay, hyung! You should have just told one of us that you were leaving. Take care of yourself!"
"I know," Jinki chuckled. "Sorry I had to rush. I'll be fine, Kibum. This feeling will go away. I'll get better." And then the phone clicked again and all Kibum heard was the silence. His shoulders dropped at the feel of sudden emptiness in him.
But he wasn't alone; Jonghyun was watching from the doorway of their little room, his hands in a tight fist and his eyes on the urge of bursting into tears.
///
"Hyung," Taemin piped up and bumped shoulders with Jonghyun, "are you okay? You look so miserable." Jonghyun just shrugged. He really was in a bad mood. Everything was just crashing down on him and he couldn't take it anymore. They were already approaching the dorm. He decided to just keep his cool until they have reached and just forget about that one thing that was constantly on his mind today. But when Kibum said, "You look like you've just came out of a dumpster," all his composure was lost and he just lashed out.
"Fine, I'm not okay. Not okay at all. I feel so angry and I'm just raging with confusion. I just can't stand this," he said fiercely as he walked away from Taemin. The young boy lost his cheery vibe and turned to look at Kibum for solace.
"Aren't you going to tell us why and not just walk away like some kind of egotistical prick? What do you take us for? Useless people that you think can't help with your mighty problems?" Kibum yelled back and raced up to Jonghyun.
That made Jonghyun whip around with malice. Kibum and his fiery mouth, he thought. "What are you talking about?" That confused Kibum a little.
"What do you mean I'm talking about? I'm talking about you, obviously! You're so closed up to talk about your problems! We're not only band members; we're your best friends."
This dark expression glazed over Jonghyun's face. He glanced up to look at Minho who was approaching. Quickly, he whispered, "Let me tell you something, Kibum. I'm not the one that isn't consoling anybody."
Kibum was about to retort something nasty but Minho had suddenly appeared in front of Kibum, blocking his vision of Jonghyun. The rage in Kibum grew and he immediately tackled Minho, trying to claw past him... Minho, being athletic and all, didn't budge at all. He merely pushed Kibum backwards lightly and held him at arm’s length.
"Kibum, relax." His deep eyes made Kibum realise what an idiot he looked like. Slowly he released his grip from Minho and dropped his head. This weird, unpleasant feeling bubbled up in him. Something was missing and his eyes filled with tears. Slowly, he brushed them away.
"I need Jinki," he choked out.
"I know. We all need him."
Kibum peeked to the side of Minho and saw that Jonghyun was already a distance away. Then his eyes flickered up and a faint smile spread across his face. "At least we're almost reaching our dorm. I'm sure Jinki will be ready to greet us."
With that, he pushed pass Minho and continued the short journey to their dorm.
///
Kibum was disappointed that Jinki wasn't literally there to greet them. His mood had become worst and he decided to just go to his room.
"Hyung, are you okay?" Taemin whispered as Kibum entered the room they were sharing. He flung himself onto his bed and merely grunted. He was feeling awful after the argument with Jonghyun and also very tired. Everything just seems so exhausting at the moment.
Kibum closed his eyes when he felt a pair of hands start to rub his back. They were powerful, massaging and pressing his sore body. Kibum smiled into the pillow. Those hands felt familiar; obviously it was Jinki who noticed his fatigue and was only here to help. At least he came to their room to see them, Kibum was beginning to wonder where he was. Before he could say anything, Jinki leaned down to whisper, "Close your eyes and go to sleep, Kibum. You look very upset. Dreaming takes you to a better place. You'll feel better." As a reply he mumbled incoherent words.
Right as he was about to move into the first stage of dreaming, he heard Jinki's last whisper, "But maybe this time it won't be such a nice place." Then he blocked out everything and before he knew it, he was fast asleep.
***
When Kibum opened his eyes, he saw Taemin lying on the bed, his eyes closed but features strained and hurt. Immediately he rushed towards the boy and tried to stir him awake because the doctor had told him to do so if his face was tensed. He looked around the hospital room but none of the members were here. He ran a hand through the maknae's hair and felt the icky wetness of sweat. Kibum was starting to panic.
"Taemin-ah... Taemin, please wake up," he sighed while helplessly trying to wake the boy up. There were no eyelids opening or noise besides the deep breathing of the both of them. He couldn't take it anymore; he didn't need to fall into a frenzy of worry. Kibum rushed out of the room and ran everywhere to find Jinki or any of the other members. At last, he spotted a mop of brown hair at the cafeteria.
"Hyung, quick," was all he said before jerking to Jinki's hand and dragging him all the way to Taemin's assigned room. He stood behind him as Jinki examined Taemin's weak body.
"Why did you find me?" Jinki asked with a sigh. "You know I won't do any good for him. Instead of me, find a doctor instead okay, Kibum?"
Hesitantly, Kibum answered, "The moment I panicked I only thought of finding you. I'm sorry... maybe I was indirectly thinking that you would calm me down and then we find a doctor together." His cheeks flushed with bright red when he realised what he was implying. Jinki turned to him and squeezed his shoulders.
"You can't be left alone with Taemin anymore. I think the four of us should be split into pairs, so one can sleep while the other look after Taemin." Jinki's face saddened and he reached out to touch Taemin's bed sheets. They were coarse and felt uncomfortable to sleep under. "I think he's getting better."
"He is, hyung." Kibum sat on a chair to the side of Taemin's bed and continued to stroke the maknae's wet hair again. "Why is it that the youngest had to take all this pain."
---
For days and nights, Jinki was constantly at Taemin's bedside. Often he would take hold of his hands, play with his hair, brush it out of his face, arrange the blankets so it'll be at least a little comfortable. The leader was praying so hard that their youngest would heal and fight off the illness. Taemin was drifting in and out of unconsciousness every few hours. The doctor says it's because of the heavy drug use but Jinki is still worried to the core.
One day, when Taemin had actually opened his eyes for more than 5 minutes, Jinki nearly died of happiness.
"Taeminnie," Jinki gasped and cupped Taemin's face in his hands. "You're looking better. How are you feeling? The rest of them has gone out to get us food. I hope you can stay awake until they return."
Taemin tried his best to smile but it ended up as a pathetic attempt. Slowly he tried to sit up in the bed but his body just felt sore and weak. He asked Jinki to use those high-tec buttons to put his bed in an upright position instead.
"Hyung, I feel like dying."
"Shh, how can you say that?" Jinki 'tsk-ed' at him and asked him to not even think about it. "Cheer up! Kibum said they've already rea-"
"TAEMINNIE!" Jonghyun suddenly exclaimed out of nowhere and rushed to the bed; at the same time cutting Jinki off. He was having a hard time controlling his delight at seeing the maknae awake. Taemin gasped for air as he threw his arms around the boy and nearly hugged him to death. Minho and Kibum joined in with the embracing and most of them had watery eyes.
"Taemin, you're going to feel better. This feeling of sickness and gloom will go away," Jinki said brightly and gave him a tiny kiss on his temple.
---
They were back in the hospital room. Kibum was looking out of the window and trying hard not to let his eyes close. A few times, he had drifted briefly into the dreamworld but regained conscious after a few minutes. A low stirring made him snap up from his seat. He rushed to the bedside.
"Jinki-hyung," he sobbed. "Hyung, are you awake?" Kibum looked around the room and saw Jonghyun, already deep asleep on one of the lounge chairs. He didn't want to wake him up. Gently he pushed Jinki's dishevelled hair out of his face and tried hard not to let fear get the better of him. The sick boy turned on the bed and his heavy eyes fluttered open.
"Oh. Ki.... bummie."
"Hyung, you should go back to sleep. You need to sleep. The medication... Hyung," he sobbed, unable to continue a proper sentence. Jinki's condition was far worst than Taemin's according to the doctor. Unsure why Jinki had the bad luck, the other four members were also in terrible shape. The worst part was that Taemin was blaming himself for getting the leader sick.
"Shh, Kibum. I'll be okay. Sleep is trying to pull me back again and soon I will go. For now, just sit there and hold my hand and go to sleep."
Kibum couldn't help but choke on a tiny laugh. Jinki, even in his worst state ever, put his members before himself. The younger boy couldn't even understand how someone can be that nice... that caring and loving. Following what Jinki wished for, he pulled up the closest chair and sat down. Kibum's hand found Jinki's freezing cold ones and he tangled them up. Kibum lay his head on the mattress and looked at Jinki.
"Hyung, can you promise me something?"
"Yes, Kibum?"
"Don't let me go tonight please," he whispered.
---
Everything was gloomy. Gloomy and certainly somber. Kibum was standing in between Minho and Jonghyun. The three of them were just staring at this black box. The significance of the situation was appalling really and it made Kibum's head spin wildly. They were looking at this black box, decorated with beautiful white flowers at the top.
This black box was raised above the earth that was dug in about 6 feet. Kibum glanced up and took a look at everyone. The people around them had forlorn looks on their faces, some were even weeping into scrunched up tissues. Somebody, a stranger to him, suddenly asked for everyone's attention and when he got it, he started to speak.
As the words left the speakers mouth, Kibum just went cold and numb all over. He couldn't even move his eyes that were glued onto that box. What was in it and why was everyone just looking at it? Questions zoomed in and out of his mind; why are they here, who are all these people, why is it so dark and sad, why are people crying?
Like trying to break ice, Kibum forced himself to turn to look at Jonghyun who was already in tears. Unlike the rest of the times Kibum has seen Jonghyun cry, his sobs were now silent and sort of... respectful. Then he turned to Minho, who was just as blank as he was. His face bore no emotion at all. Taemin was next to Minho and Kibum couldn't get a good view of him and what his expression was.
Suddenly, a loud roar of thunder sounded overhead and it startled many people. It sort of brought Kibum out of his small world too. Everything just bombarded him at that moment. The unanswered questions were now being solved in his heads, reasons were being settled and it all hit Kibum like a tornado. That was when a small cry left his lips and he just knew what had happened.
Those people are looking depressed because something bad has happened; somebody lost their life. The atmosphere was hanging so low and sad it almost touch the ground because it too was feeling the same things they felt. That speaker isn't just some random speaker, he was a priest. And.. that black box didn't haven't something inside, it had someone.
Someone they knew and loved.
Kibum choked on his saliva again.
"Jinki," he sobbed out and then crumbled onto the ground.
***
The amount of sweat pouring from Kibum's body was overwhelming. He shot upright on his bed and flailed everywhere. His mind was screaming at him and blood was pounding everywhere. Kibum let out a loud yell as he thrashed around the bed. Before he knew it he was lined down by two strong hands. He tried to break free of the grasp but then gave up. Slowly, he opened his eyes.
"Kibum," Minho wearily said as Kibum calmed down. "Do we need to put you into a mental insituituon now?" From the corner of his eye he saw three figures at the doorway. They were just entering the room.
"I just... It was horrible, Minho. I can't... I can't even say it. I don't think I can." Kibum just realised he was crying as well. He didn't even bother to fight off Minho so he could wipe his face.
"I'm going to let you go now," Minho said calmly. "Then you have to gain your composure and tell us what happened." Kibum nodded and then the weight above him was gone. He sat up timidly and pressed his back against the wall.
"I just had a terrible nightmare, that's all."
Jonghyun exchanged worried glances with Minho. "About what?" he asked.
"About Taemin and Jinki." Kibum closed his eyes. All of that seemed so real, so vivid like that was the actual reality. "Taemin was sick, so sick that he couldn't even move."
Jonghyun whispered something to the boy next to him. Taemin then stepped forward then and kneeled in front of Kibum. He took his trembling hands in his and bit his lip. Minho and Jonghyun had already explained what was happening to Kibum; it took a while for Taemin to figure out what everything meant but eventually he understood. It scared him, a lot, to be honest.
"Go on, hyung. We're all here for you, you should know that already." Kibum kept silent for a while and took in the gazes of everyone. He looked up at Jinki, still standing at the doorway.
"After Taemin got better, Jinki-hyung fell sick right after and then he was hospitalised." Kibum shuddered as bits and pieces of the dream replayed in his head, directing to further hysteria. "I can't tell you how weak Jinki was. It was so.. so agonising to see." Kibum looked up at Minho and the latter had glazy eyes. Everyone was silent for a few minutes before Taemin broke it.
"Did... Jinki-hyung... die?" he whispered and Kibum stared at the boy blankly. At the corner of the room he heard Jonghyun mutter a soft, "Well that was very straightforward."
"Yes," Kibum gasped. "Yes, and we went to his funeral. Everything was just so dark and colourless. At first I didn't know where we were, Taemin. It was so confusing, my head just wasn't working. But then when this loud thunder cracked in the air, my mind seemed to come back to me and I could think again. And that's when I realised that Jinki was in the casket," he finished softly.
Kibum slowly got up from the bed and then he went to stand in front of Jinki. The leader, squishy and dorky, just stared back at him. He was wearing a sad smile and it touched his eyes that were slowly filling with tears.
"Kibum, do you remember anything that happened five months ago?"
"Why do you people always ask me what happened five months ago? It's the past, why should I think about it?"
"I'm sure you remember something. Anything at all. Just try to think."
Kibum whipped around and frowned at Jonghyun. "I don't remember anything except the things I told you."
"And that was . . ."
"Taemin and Jinki getting sick."
"Get into your mind more."
A hand was placed on Kibum's shoulder but soon the contact was gone and he watched Jinki pass him and walk towards Jonghyun. The funny thing was that Jonghyun didn't even acknowledge him; all he did was continue to stare back at Kibum expectantly. Jinki lifted his arms and touched the vocalist. Still no reaction except a brief confusion in his eyes of this force touching him.
"Well?"
"Uh..." Kibum deepened his frown. What was Jinki and Jonghyun doing? Why was Jonghyun ignoring him...
"Kibum! What are you looking at? Look at me! Stop staring at empty spaces, there's nothing there!"
"But..."
"There isn't anybody there either," Minho said hoarsely.
"Kibum-hyung, he's gone," Taemin suddenly voiced out.
What?
... What?
Jinki looked at Kibum. But he was fading- if that was even possible. Jinki was becoming transparent; Kibum could actually see through him. Why were his eyes playing such tricks with him?"Jinki, where are you going?" Kibum blurted out. The three others in the room gulped and looked at each other. It was weird that Kibum was talking to air.
"I was never here to begin with, Kibum." Then he was just gone. His body seemed to just become sand and then it was blown away by invincible wind.
"Hyung," Taemin softly said, pulling Kibum into reality. "He's gone."