you fall, I fall ; jongtae ; nc-17

[squishyguns]

you fall, I fall ; jongtae, some jongkey
heavy angst ; nc-17.
wc ; 10,900++ words


"Taemin forgave. Taemin always forgave.
But only because it was Jonghyun.
And Taemin loved Jonghyun."

A/N: serious drug abuse and a handful of violence.
the title doesn't really have much to do with the story, but it fits well to their relationship.
Hope you enjoy a long read! ;u;

___

At the corner of the cold studio apartment there was a single mattress with two pillows and a simple bed sheet-stained with spots of blood, brown and faded after the washing machine failed to remove it completely. The blanket was thin and worn out but that made it comfortable to sleep in.

Next to the bed, small drawers were filled with books and files and papers that were unable to fit in the crammed bookcases and shelves that lined the walls. A two seater sofa faced the small tv at the other corner of the room. The kitchen wasn't really a kitchen-only a stove, a counter with a microwave and an old fridge. Their dining table was fit for no more than two and it was more than they could ask for anyway. Even the bathroom was too small for two people to comfortably be inside together.

It wasn't much-it was close to nothing. But it was home, it was their home.

-

Jonghyun couldn't focus his mind on anything but his fingers as he held them up in front of his eyes, spreading and curling them. He examined the wrinkles that formed when he tensed them, he licked and tasted his nails that needed to be trimmed. Streaks of dim light passed through the spaces between his fingers but they were still out of his eyes. Everything else around the room was blurred out, he couldn't even make out the shape of the lamp that was above head.

Music-indie, Jonghyun knows-was pounding somewhere, moving through him like how water flows down from his mouth to stomach except this time his whole body was transporting the beats. It seemed to enter through his stretched fingers before running down his arms and filling his lungs as if it were air. From there the pulses shocked inch by inch down his stomach, across his pelvis and down to his legs. His toes tingled.

He felt everything even though his senses were dull and slow, yet he still couldn't pull his eyes away from his hand.

Some thing new entered Jonghyun's small world. Its pressing against his side, tugging at his other hand that was messing with the fabric he was lying on. Some thing soft was putting pressure on his arm and it trails upwards towards his neck. Jonghyun realises it's kisses and he smiles as a strange warmth fills those spots where they had been planted. It was a dull feeling first, like a dying ember of a fire, but then it grew and now they burned. The indie music seemed to drown out from his mind even though no one had turned the volume down.

He felt a kiss on his cheek; and finally drops his hand to turn his head to the side to give Taemin a lazy grin.

“Baby,” he slurs, head pounding, eyes blurry.

Taemin kisses him again, full on the lips this time.

__

The smoke hazed up the tiny bathroom, stinging their eyes. The window that was used for ventilation was small and couldn't open more than the length of Taemin's palm-but it was the only thing they could use to at least try to get the smell of it out.

Jonghyun was sprawled in the bath tub with his feet propped up on the tap, shaking them from habit.

Taemin was about to fall off from his position on the toilet bowl as he had a fit of coughs. He giggled, high pitched and breathless when he did and Jonghyun joined in as he reached out to stroke the younger man's face.

Jonghyun twisted in the bath tub to look at Taemin over the edge. “Come in,” he said.

It took some time for them to get comfortable in the tight tub, but they managed when Jonghyun-still having a little bit of simple common sense left in his fuzzy brain-sat up and directed Taemin to slot himself between his legs. Their arms tangled and locked, fingers fitting perfectly in each others as they shared the polluted air around them. Somewhere between two to five minutes of just lying there, one of them grabs onto the unfinished joint laying in the dirty ash tray.

Taemin inhaled it, eyes rolling back in happiness as the smoke fills him up while Jonghyun nibbled and laughed over his sensitive ear, whispering incoherent things that neither of them seem to understand. The only thing they can comprehend was their heated skins making contact as they fiddled with each others hands.

“This is some good stuff,” Taemin sighed out. “Who did you sleep with this time?”

Jonghyun laughed at the statement and bit down harder on the ear. “You think I need to whore around just to get these? I never know you thought so lowly of me.”

But in fact, Jonghyun did have to do a little favour just to make the dealer admit that he sold it. He was in the alley again, waiting for his buddy when someone else appears. The stranger didn't seemed to be shocked when he saw Jonghyun but denied the fact that he sold anything until Jonghyun mentioned Jinki's name. Jinki and this man were in it together, Jonghyun hadn't known that before because it was always Jinki himself who handed him the stuff, never a middleman.

He had politely introduced himself then, telling the other about how he and Jinki had been pals since way back. The man's name was Kibum, but people knew him by Key because they believed he was what they needed to get access the real high quality stuff. Perfectly similar to a real key.

They had talked business in his shabby house. When the prices were set in front of Jonghyun, he laughed out in disbelief.

“Ridiculous,” he had said, scoffing at his new friend who just leaned back on the chair and smiled. Kibum had a lot of eye liner on, Jonghyun recalled. It hadn't phased the man though, no amount of intense staring could have changed his mind. Unless...

Jonghyun blinked twice, making sure their eyes were still locked on each other, and started rubbing his neck. Then he abruptly got up, saying he should just leave but Kibum stopped him at the door. The dealers hands tightened over his that was over the doorknob and leaned in close to whisper:

“I guess Jinki told you. Maybe we could talk after.”

I wonder if Jinki likes to surround himself with gay men, Jonghyun remembered thinking as he pounded into the whimpering Kibum. The price was reduced by twenty percent and Kibum promised, with a teasing grind against Jonghyun, that it could be brought down even lower the next time he decided to stop by.

“You're a dick and that's why I know you won't have any hesitations before cheating on me.” Taemin's voice pulled Jonghyun out of his thoughts to come back to the present. He tried to remove himself from Jonghyun's grip but the older man was packed with muscles and obviously wouldn't let go.

“You know I love you.”

The words seemed to hang around them, taking its time to fade away. Taemin stopped struggling to stare at the blur shower head, also seeing the sentence float in faded italic words on the wall. A hand caressed his stomach now, he felt it linger there before it made its way down towards his crotch. Jonghyun's voice drifted in and out of his mind.

I love you. You know I love you.

They sat in silence again like how they usually did when they took a trip to the unknown. Taemin unconsciously settled back to find the position he was comfortable in before and Jonghyun started rubbing harder. He twisted his head to give Jonghyun a kiss.

“You know I love you too.”

__

“Fuck, Jonghyun,” Taemin said, getting up to pace back and forth. Sweat broke over his pale skin. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

“What?”

“Can't you fucking see it? It's staring right at me.”

Jonghyun frowned at the younger boy but doesn't move from the spot on the mattress. It was touching four in the morning even though they felt like the hours were taking their own sweet time with passing. His eyes followed Taemin's and he examined the soft toy that was emitting a bright neon blue and pink. It brightened then darkened, as if it were inhaling and exhaling colours. The colours were being suspicious with Jonghyun, he heard it buzzing, coming closer as if they were an army on guard.

“Yes, I see it. But it's staring at me.”

“Fuck, Jonghyun. It's staring at the both of us now.”

The colours changed and so did the sounds. The anxious buzzing switched and now it was like a monotonous tone, vibrant with yellow and specks of red dotting it. Jonghyun's frown deepened as the colours whispered amongst each other, too soft for him to hear.

“What did you say?” he asked them but the only reply he got was a hiccup from Taemin and a soft:

“Jonghyun.”

The dull whispering got louder and it began to pound in his ears.

“Jonghyun.”

The yellow turned a full red, an angry red and they charged, spears and swords and lightsabers and all.

“Fuck,” Jonghyun swore and crawled backwards to press himself onto the wall behind him. His eyes shut tight as he began to sob in panic. “Taemin, they're going to fucking eat me. Get them away Taemin. Don't you fucking see them attacking me?”

“Jonghyun, what the fuck?” Taemin fell onto his butt when he tripped over his feet from the attempt of scrambling away from the unknown thing that's causing havoc in Jonghyun's vision. His heart's in the lead of a race. “You're supposed to save me. From those damn eyes. Which are still staring at me. Jonghyun.”

“I have to save myself before I can save you.”

Jonghyun growled curse words at the light that were now dancing on his skin, ever changing colours from pink to red to yellow to green and blue and purple.

Taemin curls up next to the fridge, still staring at the blinking eyes of the soft toy.

__

Jonghyun had his lips around his seventh cigarette, his head just started to feel light, the intake of all the smoke already something normal.

As usual-even when he didn't start it-it was him who had walked out the door, because deep in his subconscious mind he worried that if Taemin left when he was emotionally broken from the shouting and yelling he did, he would end up doing something he would regret out of anger. So Jonghyun always made sure it was him who got to the front door first, taking the only key with him so Taemin won't get past the grill, him who would head down to Jinki's while Taemin was more or less safe at home.

When Jonghyun wasn't the cause of it-at home, in their awfully small home-Taemin would just go on a lone trip, taking something to clear his mind and make him forget, though momentarily, about everything that just happened. This was the usual if it was him who felt sensitive and needed to piss off Jonghyun because he wanted the older man to mirror his feelings. This was okay, Jonghyun was okay with it since Taemin would just get stoned and there wouldn't be anything much to worry about except for his own feelings. But unless...

It was him who started the fight. Things would be pretty different. Even though staying calm and emotionless was the better option in Jonghyun's opinion (because he thinks Taemin should just get high and leave the worry behind), Taemin instead becomes an emotional wreck, similar to a teenage girl who got her heart broken for the first time. On top of that, his stupid mind would only remind him about Taemin after he's ranted out to Jinki-who would tell him to calm down and here, maybe pop some of this or have this drink or lets go to the strip club tonight. And Jonghyun would nod and say yes, thanks man, and he would follow his friend to places and maybe fuck a person or two.

Jonghyun put out his cigarette on the overused ash tray and gets up to stretch, his fully naked body cracking in places and damn did it feel good. His view focused on the unconscious man that was on the bed, sheets in a tangle around his body.

“I always fuck you when I'm on something,” Jonghyun whispered, mainly to himself because the other clearly wasn't listening. He located all his clothes as if on a treasure hunt before putting them on. “And when I'm sober, I can't even look at you.”

Nonetheless, he pressed a light but meaningless kiss on Kibum's forehead and left the house hurriedly because fuck how long has it been since he walked out? Was Taemin okay?

No, you fool, of course he isn't.

Taemin was always okay. Jonghyun always came home to him sleeping, exhausted from the crying. He would curl up next to him silently, hands sneaking around that slim waist and Taemin in his half asleep state would forgive him immediately.

You fucked Kibum and it wasn't for a discount this time.

Shut up, fuck you.

You fucked Kibum.

Jonghyun ran the whole way home in hopes that the guilt would be burned away. Taemin, he only wanted-no, needed-he only needed Taemin. Dawn was about to break over the city; daybreak was one of his favourite times but he couldn't care about that right now. He took the steps up to their lot in twos and threes and fumbled miserably with the keys to get the door open.

He opened the creaky door to see their apartment thrashed and ruined, fridge emptied of whatever little food they had, books and papers all over the place, furniture broken and torn and Jonghyun tip toed through the mess after shutting the door.

“Taemin?” he called, voice laced with worry, as he approached the bathroom. “Taemin, where...”

Taemin sat in the middle of the mess of their wet bathroom, eyes red rimmed and swollen from the excessive crying he had done. He looked up at Jonghyun when he entered, and continued to look as he knelt down and tenderly reached out to touch the tip of his fingers against the boys cheek.

And Taemin smiled, his eyes getting watery again, because Jonghyun's finally back and he doesn't have to be alone any more.

Jonghyun doesn't know what to say so he took hold of the boy by his shoulder and engulfed him in a tight hug, not wanting him to see tears of his own if they should fall. Taemin always forgave him, always, and it felt like the love he received from the boy would increase after every event like this and he wondered sadly how he was going to return them. He wasn't one for feelings no matter how much he could feel for one person and he preferred to love secretly, indirectly. And though he wanted so bad to convey these emotions to Taemin, to be able to mend his heart whenever he broke it, Jonghyun's attempts always turned out failures and instead, that love would just bundle up in him.

“How do I love you back?” Jonghyun asked softly. “How am I supposed to return this...”

“You love me too much to give me any more,” Taemin whispered back.

And Jonghyun felt a punch to his gut because he knows that's not true and that there was so much room for more but he kept silent and held on tighter as he felt Taemin nuzzle at his neck.

There was a force that linked them together, they both felt it without a doubt; no matter what happened, no matter how many things they broke or how their throats became sore from screaming, or who was in the wrong or what they did to get rid of the anger, they would inevitably come back to each other.

And maybe it was partly because of that, because Jonghyun always came back, that Taemin felt loved. And Taemin would be okay, whether he caused the argument or not, as long as he never woke up alone the morning after a fight.

__

Jonghyun tasted like bananas. It made Taemin unable to stop planting kisses all over his body as the older man tried to sing without laughing. That was the challenge that they had agreed on-for Jonghyun to sing a whole self-composed song while Taemin teased him with his lips.

Tonight, they were in the crappy park near their crappy apartment, laying across the rotting wooden picnic tables. No one ventured to this area at this hour-no human activity was known even during the bright day either so the both of them were free to travel to the ends of time here without fear of getting caught. Their loud laughter and conversations and sounds couldn't usually couldn't be heard by the people who lived relatively close by because surrounding the park was a stretch of thinning trees.

“I can't do it,” Jonghyun admitted, cutting off his singing half way. “Can't I just kiss you until you get sick of it?” And Jonghyun does so without waiting for a reply. He tugged at Taemin's hair to guide him back up to his lips.

The moon was oddly bright tonight-the main reason why they decided to take a trip outside. The experience was always different out here, different everywhere in fact but outside, outside with the fresh air and unpredictable surroundings, opportunities to travel further always occurred. They hadn't even popped anything tonight, preferring to get drunk on each others warmth and saliva. Being so used to being away from reality, everything usually seemed like an endless dream to them, sometimes it was crumbling and sometimes they saw the day ten times brighter than it was.

Jonghyun's fingers were tight around tufts of Taemin's hair; he pulled it roughly and settled in the feeling of pride from the moans he could get out from Taemin.

“Can you believe how horny you always are?” Jonghyun inquired as Taemin began to rock his hips, in need for friction to spike pleasure in his body. A cheeky grin was shot in his direction and Taemin leaned back, pressing himself down harder and through the fabrics of their clothes, he can feel the younger boys semi-hard erection. After another forceful grind, Jonghyun blurted out, “Not that I'm complaining.”

“I thought so too,” Taemin stated evilly, his hands tugged at Jonghyun's shirt to get it off him. Cold air tickles at his bare torso and Taemin leans forward to press against it, hands flat against his toned chest.

Taemin looked even paler in the moon light, but to Jonghyun he was at his most beautiful. The skinnier boy hated compliments about him being anything related to beautiful and cute-it was a turn off according to him, and he would usually stomp off and disappear for a day to a week, depending on how bad he wanted Jonghyun to hurt. It usually varied. Jonghyun had learnt it the hard way. Once during their early days of dating and experimenting, Taemin had walked out in the middle of a extremely intense make out session because Jonghyun merely muttered how pretty his eyes looked in the light. Jonghyun's cock had been at attention, straight and stiff and throbbing with the desire to fuck something; and because Taemin had just vanished like that, he headed down to the closest club with the sole intention to get rid of his angry lust. The girl was taller than him, but skinny and so wasted he actually felt a little bad.

When Jonghyun had reached home that night, after he made sure the girl had a cab to get home, Taemin was waiting with dried out eyes. They verbally fought for an hour, Jonghyun's voice overpowered Taemin's, and his point about Taemin being sensitive to hell and back was strong but it was his guilt that made him seem weaker. It was when Taemin admitted the reason why he despised those kind of compliments with a passion did Jonghyun let that little hope of winning the argument go.

“I thought it was okay,” he had broke in hoarsely, eyes unable to meet Jonghyun's. “She touched me and said it was okay and I really did think it was okay.” Jonghyun caught Taemin in his arms before he had tripped over the stupid sofa. From then on, all things Jonghyun wanted to say to Taemin-from his pretty hair to his pretty laugh-was suppressed and expressed only in his mind.

Now Jonghyun could hear Taemin whining impatiently; his hands trembled as he attempted to pull off Jonghyun's jeans. “What's wrong?” Jonghyun asked as he slowly reached out to help the struggling boy. “You're shaking.”

Taemin's whole body gives a sudden shudder as if on cue and he closed his arms over his chest, continuing to shake like he was having a fit. Jonghyun's instincts took over at once and he was up and about within a second, he checkedTaemin's pulse, his temperature, his pupils, and hurriedly threw questions to see if Taemin could stay focused. He made Taemin lie down and the boy gave a terrifying string of coughs.

“Fucking hell, Taemin, what happened?”

“I-”

Jonghyun's forehead had beads of sweat forming on it as he held Taemin's hand, unable to think of anything else to do. “H-Hospital?” It would be a risk going there, they would know, they would always know when people have an overdose of drugs and Jonghyun was not willing to let the boy go, not yet, not ever. Even if it meant dying along with him, Jonghyun never wanted him to leave.

“Jonghyun,” Taemin coughed out, face pinching.

“What, Taemin?” Was it a death wish Taemin was going to tell him?

“Jonghyun, it hurts,” Taemin said and so much pain was laced between the syllables that Jonghyun felt his heart get pummelled furiously. It was pounding like there was no tomorrow-why was Taemin acting up so suddenly? What the fuck did he take this time?

“Taemin, you little shit, don't you dare die on me. Not in this dump.” Jonghyun forced his seemingly dying partner to get onto his back so that they could find some help. Because Jonghyun was so worried, he couldn't navigate through the trees that seemed to have increased in number. It felt like they were going in circles and with every step he took, Taemin's intake of breath quickened. Tears were pressed against the rims of Jonghyun's eyes but he refused to let them fall.

“Put me down,” Taemin begged once they actually got out of the stupid vegetation that Jonghyun has now sworn to never enter again. “Let me die in peace over there.”

“Can you shut up, please. You're not going to die.” But Jonghyun laid him down in the exact spot on the side walk he requested for and pushed the matted hair away from Taemin's face. Sweat dampened his skin. The boy looked up at Jonghyun and smiled feebly.

“I'm seeing the light, Jonghyun. Better than what I saw with those weak 'shrooms I got from some guy of Jinki's.”

“Don't be a dick.” But despite his harsh words, Jonghyun's tears finally pushed their way out. He stroked Taemin's face. “Out of all the fucking places, Taemin, why must you get a fit now?”

“So tired...”

“Taemin, don't you dare-”

Taemin closed his eyes. He whispered something so softly that Jonghyun, even though he was so close, couldn't even hear the first syllable. “What the fuck did you say?”

“I said,” Taemin mumbled, “you're one gullible mother fucker.”

__

Another gulp of alcohol and Jonghyun would have dropped dead, Taemin was sure of it. When the older man reached out to grab onto the bottle of whiskey, he slapped his hand away and pulled him from their tiny dining table.

Jonghyun's control over his laughter was as bad as his clumsy footsteps as he became submissive to the lead of Taemin. They ended up on the mattress, Jonghyun unable to keep his head from lolling. His hands grabbed weakly at Taemin.

“T-aaeeee-minn,” he slurred embarrassingly, body incapable of keeping still as Taemin, his caretaker for the night, pulled the blanket around the both of them.

“Go to sleep or I will leave you.” Jonghyun whined a little and messily wrapped himself around the skinny frame nonetheless. Illogical muttering was all Taemin heard before the deep breathing of his exhausted partner. He ran his fingers through Jonghyun's thick hair, eyes blankly staring up at the ceiling, not knowing what else to do because he knew he would not be able to sleep.

An hour or so passed before the sleeping man moved again, a low groan passed his lips as he moved. That mere sound caught Taemin's attention and his numb hand reached up to feel the others forehead-which turned out to be burning. Quickly but quietly, he untangled their limbs and went to fetch a cloth damp with cold water. When he returned, he switched Jonghyun's position so he faced upwards and dabbed at the creased forehead.

Jonghyun let out a strangled grunt as he opened his unfocused eyes.

“Don't move,” Taemin said soothingly as he pressed a hand onto Jonghyun's chest to keep him from getting up. “You're burning up.”

Jonghyun's muttering but Taemin doesn't care if he can't hear it. This always happened when they drank; Jonghyun's body was just as fucked up as his mind. Because Taemin didn't fancy drinking as much as Jonghyun did, he was usually the one to keep his eye on things, unlike times when they took other substances. It was always Jonghyun who did things like keep him safe and make sure he was still alright and it pleased Taemin deeply whenever they decided to stay home and drink-he liked taking care of Jonghyun.

He got up three times to make the cloth cool again and before he was able the stand up for the fourth time, Jonghyun grabbed his hand to keep him from moving, working his fingers so they locked onto his.

Jonghyun didn't say anything and through Taemin's fuzzy vision, he sees that the older boy was asleep again. He sighed, and laid his head down to rest on the heaving chest in hope that he would cool down soon.

__

Kibum was moaning so loudly that Jonghyun thought someone was sure to come in to ask them to shut the fuck up. He had the taller man bent over the messy desk piled with writing essentials and books that seemed to be pressing deep into skin-maybe that's why he was being extra loud, but Jonghyun decided that he didn't really care. His cock was so deep inside that everything else honestly didn't matter.

Jonghyun made a huge mark with his teeth on Kibum's shoulder before letting his load go over the milky back. He gave the breathless Kibum a half hearted kiss before cleaning himself up and zipping up his pants.

When Jonghyun grabbed the paper bag with the best coke and MDMA that he had bought for not even half of the original price, (Jinki would surely fuck Kibum-not that the latter wouldn't want that-inside out for selling it for such a low price; but it was Jonghyun, so there couldn't possibly be a feud about all this) Kibum gripped his wrist tightly, eyes emitting different emotions than he usually had.

“Jonghyun, you know I would need you to pay up a little more the next time. I can't keep giving you these prices.”

Jonghyun grabs onto his chin gently, as if holding something fragile and kisses him. “Come on, baby. Did you not hear how loud you were just now?” Even though they had spent the last two hours fondling and fucking, the two of them hadn't gotten rid of the increased libido in them. Jonghyun was fine with walking out, to head home to his one and only but just to make Kibum happy so that the supply wouldn't stop... he kisses him again, tongue breaking through their lips so that he could taste the inside of Kibum's mouth.

Kibum let out an embarrassed moan, again and Jonghyun pushes him away, a Cheshire grin spread across his face because he knew he would always win at this game. They end up fucking for the third or so time, now with Kibum ridding him at a quick, obsessive pace, overwhelmed with feelings as Jonghyun's cock repeatedly rubbed against the gland that was making tremors of pleasure run through the whimpering boy.

Jonghyun loved to win. But he wondered how he would manage to make Taemin happy tonight without falling asleep while he was inside him.

__

“Get the fuck out,” Taemin yelled, shrieked and shouted repeatedly.

Jonghyun's shocked at the sudden outburst, the sudden anger and fury that filled Taemin's eyes. He frowned and got up, unsure if he was playing a trick on him or not. When Taemin decided to quicken everything up and shoves the shorter man, he reacted, a terrifying scream exploding out of his mouth.

“What the fuck have I done this time?” Jonghyun panted, veins protruding out from his arms from how hard he clenched his fist. They were ready to punch something till he broke the skin and bled. All the accumulated anger that Taemin had made him build up was about to overflow in the little container he used to keep the feeling inside. Lately it was getting harder to cope with Taemin's awful mood swings. One minute he's looking for cock to shove into him and the next he wants to chop it off.

“Did you mean to say 'who the fuck did I do this time'?”

The sound of Jonghyun's laughter was piercing, almost painful to hear because of the bitterness that it was coated in. Taemin's fuming mad but he still felt fear peeking through the pits of his stomach. “Taemin, I think I can fuck whoever I want.”

“You sure as hell aren't going to fuck me any more,” Taemin growled and pushed the thick framed man away, only to be pulled back harshly, his back colliding into Jonghyun. Jonghyun bound his hands together by using one of his and his teeth gripped onto Taemin's earlobe, sucking and biting.

“Say that again.”

Taemin struggled but Jonghyun was too strong for him to fight against, his arms weren't capable of breaking away from the grip and that tongue was inevitably making his guts clench with unwanted arousal which was growing now, Jonghyun's free hand ripped apart his shirt to caress his hardening nipples. Betrayers, Taemin thinks dreadfully when he felt his cock twitch as well. All of you are betraying me.

“F-Fuck of-f J-Jonghyun,” he stammered through heavy breaths. Jonghyun suddenly grabbed onto Taemin's head and shoved him face head first onto the closest wall, his saliva sprayed out his mouth as he huffed in anger. The fear that started off as a speck in Taemin's stomach began to enlarge by seeing how uncontrollable this situation was becoming with all the haywire emotions. His jaw was about to break from how hard he was biting down while his head felt light.

“I can fuck whoever I want,” Jonghyun repeated with a hiss, “and I will.” His eyes were glazed, heart beat an abnormal rate. Whatever was left from the few hours with Kibum before had added flame to the situation, he felt it becoming hotter and he immediately tried to rid himself of his clothes with one hand.

When he had his jeans and boxers clumped around his ankles, Jonghyun took hold of Taemin's hair to pull his head back before slamming it onto the wall, earning a pain filled yelp. Taemin gasped for air and it made him realise that the pressure he was putting against the head was a little too much so he weakened his grip. He then tugged the strands of hair so that Taemin's head was bent backwards in an obviously uncomfortable angle-Jonghyun attacked the flesh of his neck, leaving a mark. The soft sobs didn't seem to strike anything in his now cold heart. Jonghyun knew what was happening, he knew and he felt but he couldn't change the current of the river he was drowning in.

Jonghyun kicked away his clothes on the floor before spreading Taemin's legs apart and pressing himself onto the boy, so that he had limited space to move. Whatever hope to stop it all slipped away from Taemin's mind-there was nothing he could do now.

Jonghyun twisted the boys head to give him a sloppy kiss before saying:

“If you moan, you lose.”

Taemin moaned the second Jonghyun's hands reached the inside of his boxers.

__

They didn't see each other for a week after that-the older went to crash at Jinki's house as per usual, leaving Taemin to rot with unexplainable emotions while getting high and wasted on their emergency stash, trying to rid himself of the encounter.

Taemin had been in tears until the end but Jonghyun only realised it when he threw the helpless boy to the ground after finishing himself. The second Taemin had weakly scrambled away, eyes looking everywhere but at the guilty man, Jonghyun knew that they had just gotten onto a new roller coaster ride. No words were said, because what was there to say? It was not normal for him to abuse the boy like that, because fuck even his own body had been aching from the slaps and rough touches he indicted onto the other.

It was when Taemin saw everything in black and white-a depressed, lonely colour-that the front door unlocked and opened. He was sprawled as if he were dead on the mattress and had a perfect view of the colourless Jonghyun that stepped into the dirty apartment.

Taemin's body refused to move so he just watched Jonghyun as he approached; his eyes, once blurry,  cleared out and to his surprise, he saw a smile on the others face. It was a dream, it had to be a dream but Taemin didn't reach to pinch himself-instead, his hand stretched out to take Jonghyun's arm as he sat down next to him on their bed. Warmth filled him and a strange yearning to throw himself onto Jonghyun was hard to suppress. It took him a while to notice how stoned Jonghyun was too, the whites of his eyes red and watery, his smile weak and quivering.

“Baby,” Jonghyun cooed and Taemin nearly misses the crack in his voice. Whenever Jonghyun used that tone, that soft, sweet tone, Taemin would feel his insides twist.

His eyes closed when Jonghyun's fingers stroked around the swollen area of his face, a dull sting pulsing through him. Through the hazy thoughts, Taemin knows he wants to get up and pummel the man to the ground, he wants to scream and yell and hit him until he bleeds, but he can't because there was an unseen force that weighed him down, pulling away all the negativity and replacing it with forgiveness.

Then Jonghyun started to speak. “I'm sorry,” he whispered against the bruise on his face. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Jonghyun repeated his apology as his lips glazed over Taemin's skin, trailing from his cheek to his jaw, down his neck and after spending some time nuzzling the prominent collar bone, Jonghyun was breathing over his cheek again, over the bruise that's now tingling.

Taemin's mind was at war, bellowing at him to not grip his hand around Jonghyun's neck, it told him he shouldn't be pulling him up to his lips; Taemin's mind was telling him no, no, no but he did it anyway because it was stupid, and Jonghyun was stupid and Taemin always wanted the stupid things.

And then they kissed as if it were the first time.

__

On the walls were incoherent drawings, the lamp shades having underwear and bras as extra decoration, the floors wet and slippery from the spilled drinks, the air heavy with hormones. The only light that illuminated most of the rooms in the fairly huge house were disco balls and party lights that emitted bright, neon colours, painting the guests and entertainers with new skin tones. Music pulsated fiercely through the expensive speakers that hung on the walls in every room. They were in a safe zone because this house was used mainly for getaways and party and plays-so it was certain there wouldn't be any irritated neighbours.

Jinki knew way too many people for his own good-he always had dilemmas in choosing which party to attend on the weekends, sometimes even going for two just to meet up with his buddies and maybe to find a new friend or two. Tonight he chose Minho's because he was convinced by his extremely accurate gut feeling, that it was going to one hell of a night. Minho was one of his regular customers, almost as good a friend as Jonghyun but not quite there yet because no matter how long they were friends for, Jonghyun would always be the oldest and dearest to his ol' heart. Hence the reason why he had invited Jonghyun and Taemin to join him tonight.

The couple was fashionably late-most of the guests had already taken off to space, their dancing getting more explicit as the minutes passed-but it was okay because the best was always saved for the last. Usually in these bigger than usual gatherings, where the guest list reached more than 50 people, it would be hard to control the amount an individual takes but at Minho's there were actual servants (more or less) that were paid to be sober throughout, so that they could monitor and manage and sometimes even provide, so that people won't overdose. Jinki thought it was a terrible idea to actually have this extra help, but Minho was Minho and he never wanted a dead man in his house.

“Taemin, be a darling and go get us some drinks, would you?” Jinki asked in a sugar coated voice even though the effect of the smiley was slowly fading. He turned to Jonghyun and eyed him devilishly once the boy was gone. “You've been fucking Kibum to get discounts; how could you do that to me, Jonghyun?”

The younger man only by a few months laughed and patted his crotch, but he didn't reply.

“It may benefit him, but fuck, I still need my money.”

“Calm down, would you. I've stopped buying so much already.” Jonghyun took a shaky breath as the smells that lingered in the room began to tempt him. The explicit dance moves of some guests stirred his guts with desire and sparked his mind with lust. “Taemin and I have been cutting down and I swear, it's done us good.”

The baffled face Jinki pulled was so hilariously serious that Jonghyun spat over his face from bursting into sudden laughter.

“That's a bowl of bullshit right there.”

“I'm serious.”

“Sure you are.”

Jonghyun frowned. “I am.”

“Then why did you come tonight? You know how wicked Minho's parties can get.”

Fuck. It was true that the couple decided to take a break from the excessive doses of the good stuff but fighting with the urges actually tore them apart as individuals, but the both of them loved each other too much to be the first one to give up and give in to what they were used to. Throughout the months and years, all this had become so natural and normal for the both of them that the withdrawal symptoms were terrible to deal with. Jonghyun went to bed every night, having nightmares because of the lack of substance that was destroying his body.

“I know you want to, Jonghyun. Minho's got his private stash in some safe under a loose floor board of his room. When Kibum arrives, why don't all of us just take a trip together?” Jinki barked a laugh suddenly. “That's if Taemin can stop himself from chewing Kibum's face off for making you fuck him.”

Everything was being handed to Jonghyun on the shiniest, heaviest and most expensive gold platter-all he needed to say was a simple yes. But he didn't reply, he just stared Jinki in the eyes, mentally building up the strongest of walls his mind could handle.

Yes, say yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes. Jonghyun, say yes.

His mind failed him. Well, it wasn't the first.

“Fuck you, Jinki,” Jonghyun finally said.

Jinki held his hands up in defence, “Hey, I think it's him you would prefer to fuck.”

Before Jonghyun can turn around, a pair of hands that are holding drinks snaked around his waist and someone snuggled into the crook of his neck. The sudden hot air that brushed against his skin made him shiver and Taemin, being the little tease he always was, also gave it a long lick. Jinki grabs a hold of the drinks and his smile was so evil that Jonghyun knows something was up.

“I'll come get you guys when Kibum's here. Have fun.” Jinki took a long swig from one out of the three cups and gritted his teeth. He gave Jonghyun a wink before he dissolved into the thick crowd.

“Come get us for what?” Taemin asked as he tugs at the hem of Jonghyun's pants to guide him towards to middle of the dance floor, where heated bodies are grinding and pushing against each other. They tried to communicate but the music was too loud and the people too crazy. Jonghyun fell into a little state of euphoria from the way Taemin danced against him, the way they stared at each other as the crowd pumped with the bass. Taemin's hands were sneaky and quick and it took some time for Jonghyun to feel them push past his jeans.

Completely speechless from the sudden arousal and the energy level of the crowd, Jonghyun pulled Taemin into a wet kiss as those hands start to work at the fabric of his boxers. They moved, up and down and side to side, their groans of pleasure muffled by the loud music that flowed through the room. Jonghyun's got his tongue wrapped around Taemin's, his fingers locked in Taemin's hair, his hips rocked as Taemin started to rub faster. Precum wet the front of his undergarment and Taemin smiled into the kiss, ecstatic that they were so exposed yet no one bothered to question them. That's why he loved Minho's parties-they could probably fuck right there on the dance floor and people would either cheer them on or join in. But the both of them preferred their love making in privacy, because they were suckers for that sort of thing.

Just before Taemin was able to get his hands wrapped around the real thing, someone intruded on their public scene and the both of them are being dragged out of the bubble of people. With Taemin in the lead, he figured that it was Jinki by the roughness of his hand-because it was too dark to tell exactly-and dragged Jonghyun along earnestly, knowing exactly where they were heading to.

Minho's room was simple compared to the rest of the house, still with the lights off save for one dim lamp, to set a calm mood. He even chose to play the most indie of all songs for the moment.

“Welcome to the lair,” was Minho's lame greeting, but they had to laugh anyway. Might as well entertain the sensitive host since he was going to give them a piece of heaven. Kibum had already taken off, pupils so dilated he looked like a deer caught in headlights. He smiled at the sight of Jonghyun but it turned bitter when his eyes landed on Taemin.

“No cat fights, Kibum,” Jinki warned but knew the younger boy wouldn't do shit at a time like this. And he was proven right when Kibum just forced a smile and leaned his head back onto the oversized teddy bear. No one asked Minho about what that fucking thing was doing in his room and instead huddled together in a circle, each one getting comfortable-Taemin in between Jonghyun's legs, pressed back as much as he can so that Jonghyun could indulge in the slightest movements he made, Jinki was on the sofa, watching over them like a guardian but looking the most excited and Minho was getting comfortable by lying flat on his back, head resting on Kibum's extended legs.

They sit like that for a while, every one of them taking in enthusiastic breaths until Taemin clears his throat and says: “So... am I the only one that's not stoned yet?”

Minho's flushed from laughing so much as he laid out the bongs and rolling paper and lighters and packets and packets of pills, each labelled with a tag. All their eyes widen, mouth watering as if they were famished predators on a hunt. Jonghyun hasn't seen this much drugs in someone's stash before and he worried, for a split second, that the five of them might over do themselves. And as if reading his mind, Minho quickly removed some packets and equipment and stored it inside a high security safe-claiming that he would forget the password once he reached space.

“Please, do make yourselves at home,” Minho said professionally as he grabs onto the powdered cocaine to make a line on the glass top of the small coffee table.

---

Jonghyun made similar sounds to a growl as Taemin continued to suck him off, each time he bobbed his head up, the tightness of his lips around the cock increased, and he always remembered to let his tongue glide over the underside of it. Taemin's hair was being tortured by Jonghyun as he clenched around it, huffing and puffing because everything just felt so damn good.

They ended up in Minho's walk in closet, the perfect size for it to be too tight for them to move freely but just enough space to not feel claustrophobic.

Taemin whined around Jonghyun, the vibrations from his throat adding to the bottle of pleasure that Jonghyun was collecting. When things felt a little slow, Jonghyun started to fuck his mouth, saliva and precum dripping down the sides of Taemin's lips but the younger boy didn't have anything to complain about; he only tried to get his mouth wider and to enhance the intensity of the vibrations he could make.

Jonghyun was sure he would be able to reach his climax if he kept at this-but that would be boring, no fun, and the adrenaline that coursed through his veins would be wasted on just fucking one hole in Taemin's body. So he pulled out of the boys mouth.

“Taemin,” he said breathlessly and the younger boy decided to take over as he pulled Jonghyun down to lie on the floor so that he could straddle him, their erections met and brushed against each other. A string of moans bounced around the small room as Jonghyun pushed Taemin's hips down, yearning for more contact than just the brushing.

The younger bent his head to nuzzle around Jonghyun's trimmed pubes, he took in a deep breath before kissing up his happy trail, across the toned muscles of his abs and stopped at a nipple, closing his mouth around the nub to flick at it with his tongue. Jonghyun shuddered under him, hands unable to keep still, hence they roamed up his back to encourage him to keep going further.

Even though he knows he's being teased as Taemin licked at his sensitive neck before he inhaled and exhaled around it, as his hips rock again, deep and hard, as those hands work through his hair and played with his abs; even though Jonghyun knows that he's building up with so much heat he could probably ooze fire out, he lets Taemin continue to be in dominance. Drugs made things switch 180° sometimes, and Jonghyun was fine with that because that mouth and that tongue that was gliding across his hot skin was so god damn good he knew if he was in charge he wouldn't be able to feel get a taste of this. But it honestly still felt strange to be the weak one, it really did.

“Taemin,” he repeated, eyes rolling back as the familiar mouth was around his length again. Because Taemin sucked him at an awfully slow pace now, he made Jonghyun bite back the begs that clogged in his throat. He nipped a little at the top of Jonghyun's cock before licking at the slit, and he caused the man under him to jerk his hips upwards and groan, hand fisting into the younger's hair. “Why are we back to this.”

“Is that a problem?” Taemin asked with a slur, eyes batting. His hand gripped around Jonghyun and he started to pump in time with his mouth that teased at the head.

“B-but Taemi-in,” Jonghyun whined, partly because of the wet heat that suddenly surrouned him whole and because it just hurt to play along with this, to step out of the normal where it was usually him that would say when he should be sucked and when he should fuck. It's Taemin, this is for Taemin, only for Taemin will I endure this. And then Taemin laughed, mouth still around his cock and Jonghyun pounded his fists onto the floor because fuck why was he doing this to him.

Though Jonghyun had it in his hazy, almost dead mind to allow Taemin to have the control this time, he couldn't play it out fully. He scrambled up then, pushing away at Taemin so that they faced each other and there's a spark in the others eyes, so encouraging and exposed, so boldly saying fuck me, please.

And Jonghyun fell forward, tackling Taemin onto the floor with a thud, lips locked together in a deep kiss that lit fire in their stomachs. Such a simple action, in contrast to the sexual touches before, had a greater impact on the both of them and while they kissed, Jonghyun's guided his slick cock to Taemin's ass, blindly searching for the entrance.

Without much preparation, Jonghyun pushed the tip of his dick into the hole and the both of them chorused moans into each others mouth. Taemin's legs spread wider and he cried out from the lack of lubricant even though Jonghyun-somehow-already managed to get his whole member in, his balls pressed against the skin of Taemin's ass.

“So...” Jonghyun panted, his erection overwhelmed with the pressure that engulfed it. “So... so tight, Taemin, you're so tight.” And they began to breathe heavily against each other as he slumped a little and Taemin whimpered from the lack of movement.

“Jonghyun, this hurts more than when you're actually fucking me,” he gasped, voice hitching, “please, just, fucking move.”

The older man groaned as he slides out to slide back in, pleasure erupting in all areas of his body as he slowly picked up a pace and kept at it. Then they were off, down a road where the only sounds that accompanied them were moans and sighs and fucks.

Jonghyun loved to watch Taemin's facial expressions as he pounded into him, especially after he managed to rub against his special spot. His eyebrows twisted, lips parted and his hands clenched around the skin of Jonghyun's shoulder and back, they dug in so deep he was certain they might bleed and scar. The latter loved every moment of it, and he embarrassedly realised that its because of that simple change of emotion that he had a spasms of pleasure course through him. Jonghyun worked at Taemin's unattended cock, hoping that they would be able to release together.

“Ah, fuck,” Taemin whined, immediately feeling a tightening in his balls as he relished in the amount of attention Jonghyun was giving him. “Jonghyun, a-are you-lets do it together, can we-f-fuck-p-please can...”

And before Taemin can get out the rest of his sentence, a shaky but loud groan cut it off and he released his seed over their stomachs, his body twitched and his hole clenched and Jonghyun fucking lost it from it all and rides away the tremors that coursed through his quivering body.

A sudden exhaustion crept up on the older man and his arms crumpled, making him fall flat onto Taemin, arms instinctively tangled around the skinny frame to pull him closer and closer some more until they felt like they were one. The sticky mess in between and around them not seeming to exist in their minds. Even the weak-surprisingly, because Minho was famous for good shit-effects of the substances they took were fading. But then, within the hazy areas of Jonghyun's mind, he recalls that they weren't actually high on anything specific.

They had shared one joint while they watched as the others picked at what they wanted for the night. They had tucked Jinki in when he collapsed onto the floor, hysterically laughing. They even made sure Minho kept his hands to himself while Kibum slept-though that probably failed because throughout their little happy time in the closet, other sounds could be heard too.

And through the temptation to take in the other things that were laid perfectly on the table for them before, they stuck to each other, fondling a little to keep themselves distracted and in fact, did not give in.

“We're clean,” Jonghyun whispered. He stretched to peck the tip of Taemin's cute nose.

“I feel out of it though.”

“I do, too.”

“Are we high on each other?”

“You corny little shit.”

Their half lidded eyes met and they smiled knowingly because it felt like the only thing they needed, not things that boost and corrupt their systems and make them see things differently, but maybe Taemin's right and they should start to get drunk on this, on touches and kisses and on each other.

__

The grass was blue.

And the night sky was blinking with bright purples and yellows.

Taemin's face was still the same though, his cheeks flushed with a bright pink.

They continued to stare at each other, their eyes the only thing that mattered.

Jonghyun has been smiling the whole night, a weird happiness planted in him.

He reached out to stroke Taemin's hair.

__

The night started off perfect, really. They were holding on to each other so tightly that they seemed to become one person. A protective bubble engulfed them as they entered the smoky house. It was yet another one of Jinki's invites-not to a huge, over the top party like what he usually attended but a simple, small gathering at one of his dealer's house. The apartment was more or less packed, but not uncomfortably.

“The lovers have arrived,” announced the already tipsy Jinki and the two were welcomed in a chorus like greeting by the other junkies in the room. They immediately had plastic cups in their hands, definitely laced with unknown things to hype up the party.

Jonghyun pulled Taemin to a quiet corner of the room because Jinki would surely disagree with what he wanted to discuss. He looked at him with concern. “We shouldn't...”

“Then why did we come tonight?”

The night at Minho's rushed back into Jonghyun's head as that sentence triggered a flashback. Jinki had said the exact same thing and it turned out to be a fucking amazing night. Though he was still a bit sceptical about it, with an assuring smile from Taemin, he was able to take the first sip. The alcohol burned his oesophagus as it travelled down into his stomach; it seemed to have an immediate affect and he chuckled lightly as he seeped his hand through Taemin's.

“I wonder what's in store for us tonight,” Jonghyun whispered as he leaned forward to give Taemin a surprise kiss. The younger reacted by slipping his free hand around Jonghyun's neck to deepen it. They made out for a while as they felt the extremely strong alcohol kick into their system; they already felt the heat radiate off each other.

It was going to be another great night. And the both of them thought it.

The only problem was that it went slightly off plan.

From the lack of knowledge of the destructive things they were supplying their bodies with, Jonghyun and Taemin lost their self-control at about one, only an hour after they arrived. After lots of laughing and talking and playing drinking games, they had lost track of reality, deciding that they had to go separate ways and leave each others side.

Taemin hardly noticed that Jonghyun wasn't pressing onto his arm because someone else had taken his place-a guy he knew mutually, not that bad looking but his name had seemed to flutter out his mind when he turned to look at him. It was hard for Taemin to make out that it wasn't Jonghyun, it honestly took him a while but he managed to notice the height, so he stumbled out of the circle of people he was in to go find the real Jonghyun.

“Jinki, where's Jonghyun?” he shakily asked the half dead boy. Jinki loved to screw around more when it came to smaller parties because he loved the feel of feeling everything when everyone's crammed into a tiny area. He only shrugged and licked his lips.

So Taemin stumbled blindly through the crowd of heated bodies, the dim light of the apartment not giving even a hair of help to his blur mind. Before he retreated to the middle of the living room where the biggest strip poker game was at, he decided to check the balcony, just in case Jonghyun needed some fresh air to relieve himself of the stuffiness.

Again, because his senses were weakened, it took some time for Taemin to make out the erotic sounds that came from the grinding figures, he couldn't even register what they were up to. But when he did, when he sees the pinched face of Jonghyun, when he realised that Jonghyun was the one in control of the whole situation, he felt the heat from the alcohol burst and its flames licked at his insides.

For a split second, a desire to throw the both of them over the railings burnt at the back of his mind, but the sensible part of him was stronger and he instead gripped fiercely onto Jonghyun's arms and pushed him back against the sliding doors that led back to the apartment. Taemin turned around and punched the stranger square in the jaw, relishing in the crack as teeth broke.

“What the fuck?”

“Get lost,” he spat dangerously in the man's face and with a shaky whimper, the prick scrambled back into the crowded apartment. Taemin turned back to the now furious boy, his breath heavy with anger. “What the fuck yourself, Jonghyun. If you wanted to fuck someone else, you could have done it behind my back like you have been doing for so long.”

Jonghyun's clearly unstable in every inch of his body, he needed to support his weight by pressing his palm flat on the glass. He couldn't even look Taemin in the eyes.

“I didn't...”

“I'm sure you didn't.”

“But wait. I didn't even know...” He really didn't. It was the alcohol that knew. The alcohol and whatever was mixed in it and the seductive words that were whispered in his ears.

“What a great fucking excuse, Jonghyun.”

“Taemin-” He couldn't even stand straight without something to lean on.

“You little fuck.”

And before Taemin began with his long speech about how fucking pissed and upset and annoyed he was, Jonghyun has already pushed pass him, making his was through the crowd and heading for the exit. Taemin, fuelled by fury, kicked and destroyed a few pots of pathetic looking flowers before he raced after the boy. He caught him just as he left the building.

“I don't want to fucking talk to you,” Jonghyun yelled when he heard the younger man call him.

When he picked up the sound of running, he too started to increase his speed. But Taemin... was faster and sooner or later caught up to the shorter boy. They were panting, from anger and exhaustion from the sudden run, as they stopped by an alleyway in between two shop lots. Jonghyun punched the concrete wall as they stared each other down. His knuckles throbbed, but there was no satisfaction or relief from the anger that had built up from being chased.

Catching Jonghyun in the act felt odd, strange and completely heart wrenching that Taemin didn't know what to even say now that he had the other cornered. Instead of feeling heart broken though, it felt like the coldest winter had arrived and surrounded itself around the poor structure of his heart. And fury. Lots of fury because that white neck looked as if it needed a mark or two.

“If you wanted someone to destroy, why didn't you ask?”

Jonghyun sucked in a shaky breath, in shock that Taemin possessed so much acid on that tongue of his. “Fuck you,” was all he could say.

“It seems that you have someone else on your mind though.” Taemin paced now, whole body starting to tremble. “Did you come because you wanted something? I assured you that it would be okay because I would be there, and I was, but why did you go pleasure yourself with someone else?”

There was no answer from the now upset man, who retreated to the darkness of the alley. Taemin followed and cornered him, getting up real close, their noses almost touching. There were tears in his eyes, but Jonghyun did not seem to see it.

“Just say it. Tell me how many people you have fucked while you claimed you loved me.”

The way Taemin shouted made Jonghyun reply in a shout too. “Plenty, Taemin, and you'd be shocked by the stories I can verbally illustrate. Some mouths are even sweeter than yours.” This was the alcohol talking, it was, Jonghyun stop.

They continued to fight, insults and retorts and rude claims where thrown about in that dark, dirty alley. The late hours held no wanderers and they yelled and screamed at each other, one of them occasionally kicking or punching any dustbins or cardboard boxes or rubbish in range. The words stung their hearts, it did, but none of them stopped, their demons inside fed on all this hate.

In moments like this, nothing happy existed, not memories nor feelings.

Taemin wanted to cry right there and then but it was suppressed by the sudden violent flash in his eyes. “You can continue your little game. Say you love me and make me believe it like the fucking fool I am.”

Jonghyun don't say it, close your mouth, no.

“Don't you already believe it?”

After the words were out, an imaginary punch is aimed for the pits of his stomach and a real one landed right across his cheek, his head flung to the side from the impact. Acting on instinct, Jonghyun's arm attacked back and Taemin groaned from pain the spread through his side. He tumbled backwards and silently surrendered with his eyes but Jonghyun's blinded by rage and his arms and legs and body worked on their own as he advanced on the weaker boy with blows.

Then Taemin's face went pale, his eyes rolled, he was suffocating. And Jonghyun realised his grip is too taut, his knuckles were white and he released them shakily.

Taemin crumpled to the floor in a fit of coughs and sobs and Jonghyun turned into stone-even his heart, chilled with the cold, was void of feelings.

__

The both of them cried silently as they walked home that night. Taemin was in front, looking frail and weak as he limped and Jonghyun felt a part of him rip apart every time he saw the boy stumble.

None of them knew what to say. Again there was nothing they could say. There wasn't ever anything they could say. How would words patch this up? How would Jonghyun be able to turn on his charm at a time like this? Violence was never an issue, never. It never lingered in their minds throughout their whole battle of a relationship until recently... Even after all the obstacles and barriers that they needed to cross to actually be where they were at this moment, they still could not appreciate each other.

Jonghyun had no explanation for any of it, he couldn't explain how he got angry at Taemin because when did he ever used to get angry? If he asked someone to destroy the thing that was the most precious to them, would they have the heart to even consider?

He knew this would devour him more than the drugs. Deep in his mind he decided that instead of dying from an overdose like he predicted, he would now die from the guilt.

Their apartment was just as they had left it.

It was the first time in almost two years that they didn't sleep together even if the both of them were at home.

__

The bruises on Taemin's side were dark with anger.

Jonghyun kissed it tenderly, making Taemin shudder with pleasure from the touch and pain from the ache. The alcohol was wearing off, their headaches were fading away though it was certain to be back.

Limbs were tangled, hands were locked, breaths were calm and steady.

“You know I love you.”

Yes, he thought as his eyes filled with tears again, I still love you too.