Seventy Questions
1. DO YOU SNORE?
Not likely I’ll be admitting that anytime soon. Doesn’t go over so well with the ladies.
2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR FIGHTER?
Lover. All the way. I don’t particularly like blood. Especially mine, which, more often than not, is what I see.
3. WHAT IS YOUR WORST FEAR?
Dying alone, not having done anything with my life. Hey, it might be shallow, but it doesn’t make it any less true.
4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
Who wasn’t? Especially the red ones. I liked red.
5. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ‘REALITY TV’?
I like Survivor. Almost-naked girls … what’s not to like, besides the gross stuff?
6. DO YOU CHEW YOUR STRAW?
No. It doesn’t work so well for a guy. A lady can look cute when doing it. I can’t.
7. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
I don’t like to think of those years. I didn’t have a great childhood.
8. IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
Not by choice. That, unfortunately, doesn’t really mean anything.
9. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
Beige. Like any other non-black computer on this planet.
10. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
Yes. Now ask me if I do a good job. Nope. But it doesn’t cut down on my enthusiasm. Just my neighbor’s head.
11. HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
That would be a very large NO.
12. ANY SECRET TALENTS?
If I have them, they’ll be staying a secret. Funny how that works.
13. WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
Anywhere with girls in bikinis. I’m not picky.
14. IS JAY LENO FUNNY?
He’s hilarious. I thought everybody knew that.
15. CAN YOU SWIM?
It’s one of those things that I learned how to do at a very young age. You can thank my parents for that.
16. HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE ‘DONNIE DARKO’?
Nope. And I have no desire to.
17. DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?
You bet. Remind me why.
18. HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?
I used to know the answer. Now I realize that I really don’t care.
19. CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
It’s a sobriety test. Of course I can. It’s another one of those things that I learned at a very young age.
20. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN AN AIRPLANE?
Yes. Certified member of the Mile High Club. Thank you, Harry.
21. ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?
That would be a very emphatic YES.
22. DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?
Electric.
23. WHAT’S YOUR TAKE ON HUNTING?
Not my style. But feel free to. As long as you’re not hunting me.
24. IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
Depends on if I can convince Cordy. She’s playing hard to get. More like impossible to get. I’ll wear her down.
25. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Sure. Why not? I worked hard to get it illegible, so that I could get the benefit of the doubt from my teachers on tests. It didn’t work.
26. WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Nothing. It’s one of the only benefits of the genes I inherited from my dad.
27. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU”?
When I was married.
28. IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE?
Stranger things have happened. But it would be weird.
29. DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
Men don’t cry. That’s something even I stick to. It also helps that I haven’t been invited to a wedding since my ex-wife’s groom tried to kill me.
30. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Scrambled with cheese. Anything tastes better with cheese.
31. ARE BLONDES DUMB?
Not all of them. My ex-wife is one of the most intelligent people I know, and her hair is blonde. Kind of.
32. WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
There’s a gateway into another universe in the dryer. It’s the only logical explanation.
33. WHAT TIME IS IT?
Time for you to get a watch. ’Specially since I don’t have one.
34. DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
I’m not one for nicknames. They make me feel weird.
35. IS McDONALD’S DISGUSTING?
Yes. But good. I still eat there. I just refuse to look into the kitchen. I really don’t want to know how the food is made. I’d like to be able to continue eating there.
36. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR, AND WHO WERE YOU WITH?
It’s been awhile, and I don’t remember. Short term memory loss. That, and I was drunk.
37. DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
Baths with the bubbles. Please. I’m a guy. We generally don’t do baths. Well, we do, but it depends on the girl being already there.
38. IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
Do I look like I’m eight?
39. DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
I live in a world where I mix with vampires a lot. It makes me squick.
40. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
No. Why? Where’d you get your information? Because whoever told you, lied.
41. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
I’m not an alcoholic. I like it, sure, but I’m not addicted.
42. CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
Crunchy. More texture. I like texture.
43. CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
Another one of those things I got from my dad.
44. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN ABULANCE?
Amazingly, no. Which is a good thing, because I don’t think they’d have my blood type.
45. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?
I don’t keep track.
46. IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
Absolutely. As long as pain pills don’t count. I like them too much to say not to take them.
47. ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
With what goes on at night? Not likely.
48. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
Brown. Just plain brown.
49. WOULD YOU SACRIFICE YOURSELF TO SAVE THE WORLD?
I like to thing I would, but reality wins out. Angel would, without even thinking about it. That’s the kind of guy he is.
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
Depends on when you ask me. Most of the time I do.
51. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCINGS?
One tattoo. No, you may not see it. I was drunk when I got it.
52. ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
Do visions that cause a lot of pain count? Nice to know they’re good for something.
53. HAVE YOU READ ‘CATCHER IN THE RYE’?
Once. Years ago. I don’t remember it.
54. DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
Does whistling count?
55. HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
Once. I don’t want to talk about it.
56. CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?
I’ve never tried, and don’t particularly want to.
57. DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
No. Not at all. I don’t enjoy being away from civilization.
58. DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
No. Never. It’s something I’ve worked hard at not doing.
59. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
What kind of question is this? Do you have any idea what’s going on in the world today? If you did, you wouldn’t ask this question.
60. ARE DOGS A MAN’S BEST FRIEND?
Some of them. Depends on the dog. Depends on the girl owning the dog.
61. DO YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
I’ve been through one, for a different reason than most of the world. I wanted to protect Harry. That’s why I did it. Most people aren’t satisfied, and they think they can find someone else.
Most people are morons.
62. CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
I don’t see why I should care.
63. DO YOU MAKE MANY MISTAKES?
I am not making a list. It would take too long.
64. IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
It’s LA. It doesn’t get cold.
65. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Some type of food. I don’t know what.
66. DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
Bright pink, to match my dress.
67. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED?
I repeat: I was married.
68. WHAT IS THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
All of them. They’re all annoying.
69. DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
Why would I? There’s not enough color in that store. That’s their problem.
70. FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?
I love the blues.