[private]
[Private]
This is bad. This is bad.
Hotch doesn't remember Jack at all. And it's been nearly a week and I don't know what to do. And I'm pretty sure Haley doesn't trust me. And she shouldn't. I'm a wreck. This shouldn't be happening. Not to me. Not now. When I woke up this morning I didn't know if it was Saturday or Sunday. That's never happened before, not to me. I remember when my mom started losing track of days, but that was a long time after the auditory hallucinations started. Mine only began Sunday night. Since then I've been hearing a ringing/beeping noise, like a cell phone alarm. All the time, it's there. And it's gotten worse. At first I didn't think I was hearing voices; it was just thoughts that crossed my mind in a particularly significant manner. But now they sound like Gideon. I saw him too, on Thursday the first time, and then a few more times, every time I'm outside of my apartment. I can't leave. Except I should go check on Kimberly again, she'd been locked up in her room since she thinks she cheated death. I'm not any better; she's not any crazier than I am.
But I'm safe here, in my room. They can't get in here, just the beeping. And I told Garcia I'm taking a few days off, so she's not going to try to contact me, I hope. What if my computer isn't safe? She contacts me all the time and if someone can hack in they can back-trace to her at the BAU and now that she's not allowed to have the information on us encrypted anymore like she did after Randall Garner hacked her system and I'm afraid I could be the link that destroys us like I almost did when I wrote all those letters to my mother. It was my fault he knew that he could get into the BAU computers through Garcia. It's my fault Gideon had to find a new cabin and Morgan and Elle and Hotch's vacations were ruined, and it's my fault Elle got shot and I can't even do anything about it anymore. I'm too far away from the team to help them or warn them or anything, except for Hotch and he's to preoccupied with Haley. And he can take care of himself, except I'm supposed to be his bodyguard.
Come to think of it, why did the alternate-reality team decide I should be the bodyguard? I'm not even good for hiding behind; I'm too skinny. When did I last eat? I don't exactly remember. This is bad. This is what Mom was like during her episodes. I don't know what to do. If I try to cook something I might just do something and then panic and set the building on fire and I can't do that. Okay, I should do something else; maybe I'll just make myself a sandwich and eat that. Yeah, that's a good idea. I won't starve and I won't set anything on fire.
I've turned into my mother.
I can't tell Hotch. But I have to. He has to know that a member of his team has finally gone off the rails. He's probably been waiting for this for years now, ever since I told Dr. Bryer that I knew what the voices are like. And he's definitely known it was going to happen after Hankle and the dilaudid. He probably thinks I'm back on it. And if I knew where to find it...I don't know, I might be. And that scares me just as much; if we were still in Virginia, I'd know exactly where to get it. Even though I deleted the number from my phone, I remember. I can't forget.
I have to tell him. He'll probably make me quit the team. And I deserve it, if I really am hearing and seeing things. After all, he didn't report me when he should have when I was having problems with the drugs. I should have been fired. The past three years have been borrowed time.
I just realized I haven't said it out loud, as if not acknowledging it would make it not be happening to me. I have schizophrenia.
[Private to Hotch]
I'm so sorry. I've messed up badly and I can't even tell you how bad. If you remembered Jack, you would hate me because I can't find him and I'm trying and I'm so sorry. I'm hearing things. Not just anything though. Beeping, like a cellphone. That kind of ringing is common in the early stages of schizophrenia. My mom heard a phone ringing all the time and ended up disconnecting all the phones in the house because it just wouldn't stop. And I hear Gideon. I saw him too, out of the corner of my eye. He's disappointed in me. You have to find him, tell him I'm sorry. I have to talk to you about something.
This is bad. This is bad.
Hotch doesn't remember Jack at all. And it's been nearly a week and I don't know what to do. And I'm pretty sure Haley doesn't trust me. And she shouldn't. I'm a wreck. This shouldn't be happening. Not to me. Not now. When I woke up this morning I didn't know if it was Saturday or Sunday. That's never happened before, not to me. I remember when my mom started losing track of days, but that was a long time after the auditory hallucinations started. Mine only began Sunday night. Since then I've been hearing a ringing/beeping noise, like a cell phone alarm. All the time, it's there. And it's gotten worse. At first I didn't think I was hearing voices; it was just thoughts that crossed my mind in a particularly significant manner. But now they sound like Gideon. I saw him too, on Thursday the first time, and then a few more times, every time I'm outside of my apartment. I can't leave. Except I should go check on Kimberly again, she'd been locked up in her room since she thinks she cheated death. I'm not any better; she's not any crazier than I am.
But I'm safe here, in my room. They can't get in here, just the beeping. And I told Garcia I'm taking a few days off, so she's not going to try to contact me, I hope. What if my computer isn't safe? She contacts me all the time and if someone can hack in they can back-trace to her at the BAU and now that she's not allowed to have the information on us encrypted anymore like she did after Randall Garner hacked her system and I'm afraid I could be the link that destroys us like I almost did when I wrote all those letters to my mother. It was my fault he knew that he could get into the BAU computers through Garcia. It's my fault Gideon had to find a new cabin and Morgan and Elle and Hotch's vacations were ruined, and it's my fault Elle got shot and I can't even do anything about it anymore. I'm too far away from the team to help them or warn them or anything, except for Hotch and he's to preoccupied with Haley. And he can take care of himself, except I'm supposed to be his bodyguard.
Come to think of it, why did the alternate-reality team decide I should be the bodyguard? I'm not even good for hiding behind; I'm too skinny. When did I last eat? I don't exactly remember. This is bad. This is what Mom was like during her episodes. I don't know what to do. If I try to cook something I might just do something and then panic and set the building on fire and I can't do that. Okay, I should do something else; maybe I'll just make myself a sandwich and eat that. Yeah, that's a good idea. I won't starve and I won't set anything on fire.
I've turned into my mother.
I can't tell Hotch. But I have to. He has to know that a member of his team has finally gone off the rails. He's probably been waiting for this for years now, ever since I told Dr. Bryer that I knew what the voices are like. And he's definitely known it was going to happen after Hankle and the dilaudid. He probably thinks I'm back on it. And if I knew where to find it...I don't know, I might be. And that scares me just as much; if we were still in Virginia, I'd know exactly where to get it. Even though I deleted the number from my phone, I remember. I can't forget.
I have to tell him. He'll probably make me quit the team. And I deserve it, if I really am hearing and seeing things. After all, he didn't report me when he should have when I was having problems with the drugs. I should have been fired. The past three years have been borrowed time.
I just realized I haven't said it out loud, as if not acknowledging it would make it not be happening to me. I have schizophrenia.
[Private to Hotch]
I'm so sorry. I've messed up badly and I can't even tell you how bad. If you remembered Jack, you would hate me because I can't find him and I'm trying and I'm so sorry. I'm hearing things. Not just anything though. Beeping, like a cellphone. That kind of ringing is common in the early stages of schizophrenia. My mom heard a phone ringing all the time and ended up disconnecting all the phones in the house because it just wouldn't stop. And I hear Gideon. I saw him too, out of the corner of my eye. He's disappointed in me. You have to find him, tell him I'm sorry. I have to talk to you about something.