PLENTY TO REFLECT ON.
It feels weird writing in this thing since it's been so long, but there's plenty to talk about. I'm coming to the end of a 9 day vacation in which I had leg vein surgery. It was a rare condition and became really bad so the surgeon wanted to fix it right away. I'm really glad I went to have it checked because my left leg was hurting just about everyday. Anyway, hopefully that'll fix things for a while.The summer months roll by... Summer has come back around again... exciting as it is for everyone else... I just don't get that thrilled really. It's BBQ season, vacation season, and out of school season so everyone has some special occasion which requires ribs & stakes, picnics, family reunions and what not. I chose a crappy time to come back from vacation because it'll be mega busy considering it's the day before the 4th of July. I just hope my left leg is healed up enough not to hurt too bad tomorrow, or I'm screwed.I've been learning a lot about astronomy here lately... so fascinating. I've always been interested in it, but this is the first time in my life I've been actively sucking in information, and pursuing my passion in this. I don't know if I could do the math ...you have to be really strong in that area, and even though I don't entirely suck at it...it's just an important part of all that. But I'm talking about being an amateur, not career wise. I found this device on Amazon.com. It's about 300 bucks. You point it up at the sky toward a star and press a button, and it'll tell you what it is. Or it'll teach you about the constellations, and where they are too. It would be a great way to start learning how to locate things in the sky I think. Since the summer has come, I keep thinking about what a star really is. It's actually just a big burning nuclear furnace in space spewing radioactive material out everywhere and toward the earth. Because of earth's rotating iron core, we have a natural force field that blocks out the radio active particles. I won't go into it, and really I could go on forever, but this isn't an astronomy journal...lol. With that said... I should talk about my transition a little I think. May 25th was my T anniversary date. I thought about updating in here that day, but didn't. I mean, yeah it's been great and everything but I just don't make a big deal out of it like I used to. Plus, my birthday is during May too, so I celebrate both at the same time pretty much. There was nothing really to write about anyway. It's just been a roller coaster in the last 4 years physically. The first 2 years, I wasn't really taking the right doses for my body to change much, and now I have dysphoria over the parts that the T (or surgeries) can't change. Honestly, taking the T was/is really good for me, but it's been disappointing to see how my genes reacted to it. In some ways when I look at myself, I still see I have so much further to go, but I try to push it out of my mind and keep focusing on the moment. Sometimes I stereotype myself and think a man has to look a certain way when I should be focusing on what kind of man I am. I've been really making progress with that these days though. It's not fair to put myself into a box, and I know it. Besides, that's not what I'm all about. Biological men have to go through similar things too like... not being tall enough, or muscular, or not growing much facial hair. It gets to the point anymore where I'm like: Oh geez who cares, this is just me. It's been a struggle, but I'm finally feeling some peace about it. I do still have my bad moments though, but it doesn't seem to last as long. I took some pictures in the last week or so. It's still some what hard to do this because I have a tendency to pick the things out about myself that look too feminine. Most of the time, taking pictures of myself feels good, but other times when the pictures are at certain angles, I see flaws in my masculinity like my bone structure, or the shape of my face. Then I spiral into wondering why strangers see me as a man. It's not really fair to do this to myself, but I'm working on it. Over all I think that transitioning from one sex to another is the progression into one's self and not something which has a beginning and an end....it has always been there and will always be. Of course I'm not saying that physically changing yourself is endless because that would obviously be crazy, but just that we come from a different perspective than non-trans people do, and it will never not be that way. Anyway, before I start talking jibberish about nothing...I should go. I have work tomorrow, and it'll be a long day. I still need to post the pictures in here too. On to the pictures:
