drum roll, please
Well, it's that time of the year again...
For once, I am actually ready for the year to end. I can honestly say that 2005 has been the most roller-coasterish year of my life so far. It brought not only the end of one very significant part of my life, but the beginning of a whole new era for me. This year, more than any other, has reminded me of my aversion to change.
Much to my surprise, the end of high school was extremely difficult for me to handle, as much as I hate to admit that. As graduation drew near, I was SO ready to go, to get out of this city. All I could think about was going off to college and living my own life. I thought I was ready, but apparently I was mistaken. The change that college brought was unexpected, and college in general was not at all what I expected it to be. I guess it didn’t help that at the last minute I completely abandoned all thoughts of going to USC, a school that I had set my heart on, and chose A&M instead. I have always told myself that I want to live my life with no regrets, and now, I question whether or not I have already screwed that plan up. I don’t want to see my coming to A&M as a regret, but I can’t help but wonder sometimes what in the world I have done. When I first visited the campus, I fell in love with everything about it. There was something about it that really got to me and I was immediately able to picture myself there. And of course, as a 4th generation Aggie, I have been raised as an avid A&M supporter However, visiting it and living there are two very different things. It is not at all what I expected it to be. Sometimes I find it to be so stifling, so confining. In many ways, it is not me at all. The narrow-minded views possessed by so many can be almost too much to handle at times. I did join an amazing club and have met some truly wonderful people, which has helped. And of course, I have Jas there with me, which is beyond amazing…I certainly never imagined us being in college together, and now that it has really happened I can’t imagine not being there with him. But I still feel so lonely and unsure sometimes. In fact, I have never felt as unsure in my entire life as I have this past semester. Even worse, I have never been as unhappy. It is not an easy thing to admit, especially from a person like me who has always prided herself on being such a happy person. I guess the culmination of feeling out of place at A&M, the stress of keeping my GPA at a 3.5 so I didn’t lose my scholarship, and having to deal with living without the constant support and help of my mom just got to be too much. Not to mention working to keep a relationship strong through an entirely new situation for us. There has just been so much to deal with, and I suppose I am not as strong as I thought I was. I have also learned that no one, not even the supposedly “happy” person, is above depression. With all that said, my new year’s resolution is to make the most out of my second semester and work my absolute hardest to enjoy myself and put myself out there more. There are so many things I would love to do and accomplish at A&M, so I’ll use those thoughts to keep me going. I really do want to enjoy myself and be happy; the person I somehow morphed into last semester was not me, and I don’t want to go through that again. So I’m keeping a positive outlook for next semester…
So now that the emo stuff has been dealt with….
Now for the positive stuff. Though it was hard to deal with, the end of high school must be seen as a positive event. I had some of the best four years of my life at Health Careers, and I will never forget them. I made some of my best friends, friends that I plan on keeping for life. Senior year was filled with so many emotions and exciting events…from kiss a senior day to our hall decorating controversy to our upset in powderpuff to prom to project graduation. And underlying it all, the simple feeling that went along with being an all-powerful senior. Everything holds a special memory for me that will forever be imprinted in my mind, regardless of how insignificant each may seem in 20 years. It all went by so quickly, and as excited as I was to be graduating, I was just as apprehensive and sad to be leaving my comfort zone. Health Careers was so good to me, and one day when I am very wealthy I shall make a rather large donation in order to keep it going..lol.
Amidst all of this, Jas and I celebrated our one year anniversary together. To this day, I find myself wondering if I have dreamt it all up (please excuse the corniness that may ensue). How it went from a seemingly insignificant crush to the amazing relationship that we have now still amazes me. There really aren’t enough things I could say about him because it wouldn’t do any justice. I love him with all my heart, and am so blessed to have him there with me every step of the way. What more could a girl ask for?
And I would like to thank my friends for being there for me. My Fab Four…I don’t know how I survived without ya’ll…I love you guys so much. Maegan…thanks for always worrying about me and being there when I have needed you. I love my soul mat! Liz, Aisha, Yvette…don’t know what I’d do without ya’ll. Thanks so much for helping me pre-celebrate my birthday at the Bonham. Awesome good times at a gay club with some of my best friends was the perfect way to end the year. Meredith…you were there when I really needed you at school, and I thank you for that. I don’t know exactly what we’re doing at the moment, but your friendship means a lot to me.
It has been a whirlwind year, and though it wasn’t the best, I was able to learn so much about myself. Through observing my weakness, I have become stronger. I am more independent now and am confident enough to hold my own. In three days I will turn 19, and that almost doesn’t seem old enough. My unhappiness has not been fun, but it has helped me grow as a person
My mind is quite jumbled right now, and I have successfully started to babble. Happy New Year, everyone! I wish you all the very, very best.
Adios 2005...Hola 2006.
Mini-recap:
For once, I am actually ready for the year to end. I can honestly say that 2005 has been the most roller-coasterish year of my life so far. It brought not only the end of one very significant part of my life, but the beginning of a whole new era for me. This year, more than any other, has reminded me of my aversion to change.
Much to my surprise, the end of high school was extremely difficult for me to handle, as much as I hate to admit that. As graduation drew near, I was SO ready to go, to get out of this city. All I could think about was going off to college and living my own life. I thought I was ready, but apparently I was mistaken. The change that college brought was unexpected, and college in general was not at all what I expected it to be. I guess it didn’t help that at the last minute I completely abandoned all thoughts of going to USC, a school that I had set my heart on, and chose A&M instead. I have always told myself that I want to live my life with no regrets, and now, I question whether or not I have already screwed that plan up. I don’t want to see my coming to A&M as a regret, but I can’t help but wonder sometimes what in the world I have done. When I first visited the campus, I fell in love with everything about it. There was something about it that really got to me and I was immediately able to picture myself there. And of course, as a 4th generation Aggie, I have been raised as an avid A&M supporter However, visiting it and living there are two very different things. It is not at all what I expected it to be. Sometimes I find it to be so stifling, so confining. In many ways, it is not me at all. The narrow-minded views possessed by so many can be almost too much to handle at times. I did join an amazing club and have met some truly wonderful people, which has helped. And of course, I have Jas there with me, which is beyond amazing…I certainly never imagined us being in college together, and now that it has really happened I can’t imagine not being there with him. But I still feel so lonely and unsure sometimes. In fact, I have never felt as unsure in my entire life as I have this past semester. Even worse, I have never been as unhappy. It is not an easy thing to admit, especially from a person like me who has always prided herself on being such a happy person. I guess the culmination of feeling out of place at A&M, the stress of keeping my GPA at a 3.5 so I didn’t lose my scholarship, and having to deal with living without the constant support and help of my mom just got to be too much. Not to mention working to keep a relationship strong through an entirely new situation for us. There has just been so much to deal with, and I suppose I am not as strong as I thought I was. I have also learned that no one, not even the supposedly “happy” person, is above depression. With all that said, my new year’s resolution is to make the most out of my second semester and work my absolute hardest to enjoy myself and put myself out there more. There are so many things I would love to do and accomplish at A&M, so I’ll use those thoughts to keep me going. I really do want to enjoy myself and be happy; the person I somehow morphed into last semester was not me, and I don’t want to go through that again. So I’m keeping a positive outlook for next semester…
So now that the emo stuff has been dealt with….
Now for the positive stuff. Though it was hard to deal with, the end of high school must be seen as a positive event. I had some of the best four years of my life at Health Careers, and I will never forget them. I made some of my best friends, friends that I plan on keeping for life. Senior year was filled with so many emotions and exciting events…from kiss a senior day to our hall decorating controversy to our upset in powderpuff to prom to project graduation. And underlying it all, the simple feeling that went along with being an all-powerful senior. Everything holds a special memory for me that will forever be imprinted in my mind, regardless of how insignificant each may seem in 20 years. It all went by so quickly, and as excited as I was to be graduating, I was just as apprehensive and sad to be leaving my comfort zone. Health Careers was so good to me, and one day when I am very wealthy I shall make a rather large donation in order to keep it going..lol.
Amidst all of this, Jas and I celebrated our one year anniversary together. To this day, I find myself wondering if I have dreamt it all up (please excuse the corniness that may ensue). How it went from a seemingly insignificant crush to the amazing relationship that we have now still amazes me. There really aren’t enough things I could say about him because it wouldn’t do any justice. I love him with all my heart, and am so blessed to have him there with me every step of the way. What more could a girl ask for?
And I would like to thank my friends for being there for me. My Fab Four…I don’t know how I survived without ya’ll…I love you guys so much. Maegan…thanks for always worrying about me and being there when I have needed you. I love my soul mat! Liz, Aisha, Yvette…don’t know what I’d do without ya’ll. Thanks so much for helping me pre-celebrate my birthday at the Bonham. Awesome good times at a gay club with some of my best friends was the perfect way to end the year. Meredith…you were there when I really needed you at school, and I thank you for that. I don’t know exactly what we’re doing at the moment, but your friendship means a lot to me.
It has been a whirlwind year, and though it wasn’t the best, I was able to learn so much about myself. Through observing my weakness, I have become stronger. I am more independent now and am confident enough to hold my own. In three days I will turn 19, and that almost doesn’t seem old enough. My unhappiness has not been fun, but it has helped me grow as a person
My mind is quite jumbled right now, and I have successfully started to babble. Happy New Year, everyone! I wish you all the very, very best.
Adios 2005...Hola 2006.
Mini-recap: