[fic]
title: Like The Sun
rating: PG, I guess.
fandom: Super Junior
pairing: Hyukjae/Donghae
Summary: Love wasn't all it looked to be.
Comments: Written for the Spring theme of "coloured glass" at 4seasons_rabu.
The weather was finally warming up. The skies were a pretty pale blue with only dashes of white cloud laced through. The sun was bright and warm, and there was only the slightest hint of a breeze through the air. Beautiful would be the word for the day. Something to go out and enjoy, play soccer in the park and bask in the sun. Anything, as long as it was outside, enjoying the nice weather.
Hyukjae wasn’t outside though, and he wasn’t particularly enjoying the weather. It was one of the last things on his mind. It wasn’t even on his mind at all, just then. It was full of other things, like black words imprinted on white pages, warm smiles, crosses and a pair of dark, pretty brown eyes.
He sighed, unclasping his hands from in front of him and using them to cradle his head. He wondered if for a moment all his thoughts would over-flow and spill out into his hands, drip onto the floor. Would he see those smiles wavering in the mess on the floor? Or dark words winding themselves through it?
Hyukjae closed his eyes, not wanting to see either.
It was quiet in the church, empty save for himself. Just how he liked it right then. He didn’t need other people, people trying to influence him one way or the other. Right now, he just wanted answers. He felt confused, and a little bit lost. And whenever he felt confused, he turned to his faith, turned to church and God. It had always helped in the past, always given him what he’d been lacking and helped him on his way.
But this time, Hyukjae was starting to think this was a problem not even faith could help him with. Afterall, it was faith and belief that was making this a problem in the first place.
Letting out another sigh, he pulled his head back and gazed at his familiar surroundings. He could still see the sun, shining through the windows, its rays fractured by the stained glass, breaking the light into different colours onto the floor and walls.
Love. Hyukjae was here because of love. Out of everything he had ever questioned in life, love was the one thing that stumped him, gave him the most trouble. It was supposed to be simple, but Hyukjae was starting to think that, like the beams of coloured sunlight splashed around the room, love wasn’t all it looked to be.
It was like the sun, warm and glowing, something everyone wanted to feel and be in, something that made a cloudy day better, something that gave them new hope with every new sunrise. But Hyukjae couldn’t see it like that, not anymore. Because it could be fractured, like the sunlight, broken up into different colours, different emotions, making it hard to see what was what, breaking things down until you couldn’t see the real thing anymore.
Love was like the sun, and Hyukjae wasn’t sure anymore if he liked the sun.
He stared at a patch of red, shining on the floor near him. He didn’t look up to the window, just that red splash of light on the floor. Another analogy came to mind as he stared at the red light, something else he could liken to the sun.
Donghae.
His friend, one of his best friends. He was like the sun, warm and bright, cheerful even on a cloudy day. His smile seemed to just radiate warmth, like the rays of the sun. And with Donghae, you knew what you were getting, just as sure as you knew the sun was going to rise again the next morning.
And if Donghae was the sun, Hyukjae was starting to think he was the stained glass window, fracturing his friends light, breaking it up into different colours, spreading it out, always avoiding the real thing itself.
The other symbolism of him being the stained glass was not lost on Hyukjae, and his lips curved into a faint, almost bitter smile. It was his beliefs that were getting in the way, tainting and fracturing Donghae’s feelings.
Mentally waving a hand through his bad analogies, Hyukjae sighed again. He found it so difficult to just cast away years of belief and faith, turn himself away and follow a different course. He couldn’t understand it. He’d even asked Donghae once, in his confusion, how his friend could bear to do and feel things like this.
“Well, God loves me, doesn’t he? So shouldn’t he love who I love too?”
Hyukjae was sure it wasn’t as simple as Donghae thought it was. It couldn’t be. Love was supposed to be a good thing, a thing to be embraced and enjoyed, but this love, this kind of love, was wrong. He’d always been told so, always read it to be so. How were you supposed to erase years of belief, even for love?
“You’re over-analyzing things, Hyuk. It’s simple. I love you, and that should be all that matters. Isn’t it enough?”
Hyukjae shook his head at the memory of Donghae’s words. He didn’t know. He wasn’t sure. Was it enough? Or was it just too much?
Why did this have to happen? Why did Donghae have to fall in love with him and confuse Hyukjae like this? Why couldn’t things just be simple again? For a moment, Hyukjae found himself wishing he could erase all those smiles and touches, soft words against his ear and warm lips on his skin. He wished he could just forget the feeling of Donghae’s hair, soft like silk, running through his fingers. Wished he could erase the shivers he always felt when Donghae’s fingers brushed over his skin. That he could just stop seeing that hopeful look in Donghae’s dark brown eyes, gazing almost pleadingly at him.
Just like his faith, it seemed, love was difficult to cast away and forget.
But at least with his religion, Hyukjae knew where he was going. He knew what was wanted from him, and what to do. There were rules and guidelines. There was fulfillment in following. It gave him a place and understanding. But love had no structure, no rules, he didn’t know where he fit in with it, and this scared Hyukjae more than he cared to admit.
With another sigh, his loudest and longest yet, Hyukjae pulled himself to his feet. He knew now without a doubt that he would not get any of the answers he was looking for here. The answers were inside himself, waiting to be found. Hyukjae wasn’t sure if he wanted to find them or not. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know, one way or the other, what to do.
But hanging around in this confusing limbo, made up of patches of filtered sunlight, wasn’t what he wanted either.
It was still bright outside. He could feel the sun starting to caress him with its warm light, the gentle breeze dancing playfully around him as he walked, hands in his pockets, back to the apartment. He looked up at the sky, and for the first time that day realised just how really blue it was. He’d seen blue in the church, patches of it in the windows, but the blue wasn’t as vivid, wasn’t as real, as the blue of the sky above him.
And the sun, it was so bright, he couldn’t look at it directly.
Maybe, he thought to himself, that love really was like the sun. So bright and burning that you couldn’t look at it face on, but you knew it was there anyway, you could see it from the corner of your eyes, feel its warmth on your skin. The sun didn’t ask you any questions, didn’t require any answers, it didn’t want anything from you, it just was. Perhaps love was the same. Perhaps, questions didn’t need to be asked, and answers didn’t need to be given.
Faith and belief meant nothing to the sun, it kept on rising and setting, kept on shining and throwing out it’s warmth. Stained glass meant nothing to it. The colours might fracture it’s light, but in the end, the sun was still together, still bigger than that. Perhaps love was similar.
Perhaps, like the sun, love just was.
- end -
rating: PG, I guess.
fandom: Super Junior
pairing: Hyukjae/Donghae
Summary: Love wasn't all it looked to be.
Comments: Written for the Spring theme of "coloured glass" at 4seasons_rabu.
The weather was finally warming up. The skies were a pretty pale blue with only dashes of white cloud laced through. The sun was bright and warm, and there was only the slightest hint of a breeze through the air. Beautiful would be the word for the day. Something to go out and enjoy, play soccer in the park and bask in the sun. Anything, as long as it was outside, enjoying the nice weather.
Hyukjae wasn’t outside though, and he wasn’t particularly enjoying the weather. It was one of the last things on his mind. It wasn’t even on his mind at all, just then. It was full of other things, like black words imprinted on white pages, warm smiles, crosses and a pair of dark, pretty brown eyes.
He sighed, unclasping his hands from in front of him and using them to cradle his head. He wondered if for a moment all his thoughts would over-flow and spill out into his hands, drip onto the floor. Would he see those smiles wavering in the mess on the floor? Or dark words winding themselves through it?
Hyukjae closed his eyes, not wanting to see either.
It was quiet in the church, empty save for himself. Just how he liked it right then. He didn’t need other people, people trying to influence him one way or the other. Right now, he just wanted answers. He felt confused, and a little bit lost. And whenever he felt confused, he turned to his faith, turned to church and God. It had always helped in the past, always given him what he’d been lacking and helped him on his way.
But this time, Hyukjae was starting to think this was a problem not even faith could help him with. Afterall, it was faith and belief that was making this a problem in the first place.
Letting out another sigh, he pulled his head back and gazed at his familiar surroundings. He could still see the sun, shining through the windows, its rays fractured by the stained glass, breaking the light into different colours onto the floor and walls.
Love. Hyukjae was here because of love. Out of everything he had ever questioned in life, love was the one thing that stumped him, gave him the most trouble. It was supposed to be simple, but Hyukjae was starting to think that, like the beams of coloured sunlight splashed around the room, love wasn’t all it looked to be.
It was like the sun, warm and glowing, something everyone wanted to feel and be in, something that made a cloudy day better, something that gave them new hope with every new sunrise. But Hyukjae couldn’t see it like that, not anymore. Because it could be fractured, like the sunlight, broken up into different colours, different emotions, making it hard to see what was what, breaking things down until you couldn’t see the real thing anymore.
Love was like the sun, and Hyukjae wasn’t sure anymore if he liked the sun.
He stared at a patch of red, shining on the floor near him. He didn’t look up to the window, just that red splash of light on the floor. Another analogy came to mind as he stared at the red light, something else he could liken to the sun.
Donghae.
His friend, one of his best friends. He was like the sun, warm and bright, cheerful even on a cloudy day. His smile seemed to just radiate warmth, like the rays of the sun. And with Donghae, you knew what you were getting, just as sure as you knew the sun was going to rise again the next morning.
And if Donghae was the sun, Hyukjae was starting to think he was the stained glass window, fracturing his friends light, breaking it up into different colours, spreading it out, always avoiding the real thing itself.
The other symbolism of him being the stained glass was not lost on Hyukjae, and his lips curved into a faint, almost bitter smile. It was his beliefs that were getting in the way, tainting and fracturing Donghae’s feelings.
Mentally waving a hand through his bad analogies, Hyukjae sighed again. He found it so difficult to just cast away years of belief and faith, turn himself away and follow a different course. He couldn’t understand it. He’d even asked Donghae once, in his confusion, how his friend could bear to do and feel things like this.
“Well, God loves me, doesn’t he? So shouldn’t he love who I love too?”
Hyukjae was sure it wasn’t as simple as Donghae thought it was. It couldn’t be. Love was supposed to be a good thing, a thing to be embraced and enjoyed, but this love, this kind of love, was wrong. He’d always been told so, always read it to be so. How were you supposed to erase years of belief, even for love?
“You’re over-analyzing things, Hyuk. It’s simple. I love you, and that should be all that matters. Isn’t it enough?”
Hyukjae shook his head at the memory of Donghae’s words. He didn’t know. He wasn’t sure. Was it enough? Or was it just too much?
Why did this have to happen? Why did Donghae have to fall in love with him and confuse Hyukjae like this? Why couldn’t things just be simple again? For a moment, Hyukjae found himself wishing he could erase all those smiles and touches, soft words against his ear and warm lips on his skin. He wished he could just forget the feeling of Donghae’s hair, soft like silk, running through his fingers. Wished he could erase the shivers he always felt when Donghae’s fingers brushed over his skin. That he could just stop seeing that hopeful look in Donghae’s dark brown eyes, gazing almost pleadingly at him.
Just like his faith, it seemed, love was difficult to cast away and forget.
But at least with his religion, Hyukjae knew where he was going. He knew what was wanted from him, and what to do. There were rules and guidelines. There was fulfillment in following. It gave him a place and understanding. But love had no structure, no rules, he didn’t know where he fit in with it, and this scared Hyukjae more than he cared to admit.
With another sigh, his loudest and longest yet, Hyukjae pulled himself to his feet. He knew now without a doubt that he would not get any of the answers he was looking for here. The answers were inside himself, waiting to be found. Hyukjae wasn’t sure if he wanted to find them or not. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know, one way or the other, what to do.
But hanging around in this confusing limbo, made up of patches of filtered sunlight, wasn’t what he wanted either.
It was still bright outside. He could feel the sun starting to caress him with its warm light, the gentle breeze dancing playfully around him as he walked, hands in his pockets, back to the apartment. He looked up at the sky, and for the first time that day realised just how really blue it was. He’d seen blue in the church, patches of it in the windows, but the blue wasn’t as vivid, wasn’t as real, as the blue of the sky above him.
And the sun, it was so bright, he couldn’t look at it directly.
Maybe, he thought to himself, that love really was like the sun. So bright and burning that you couldn’t look at it face on, but you knew it was there anyway, you could see it from the corner of your eyes, feel its warmth on your skin. The sun didn’t ask you any questions, didn’t require any answers, it didn’t want anything from you, it just was. Perhaps love was the same. Perhaps, questions didn’t need to be asked, and answers didn’t need to be given.
Faith and belief meant nothing to the sun, it kept on rising and setting, kept on shining and throwing out it’s warmth. Stained glass meant nothing to it. The colours might fracture it’s light, but in the end, the sun was still together, still bigger than that. Perhaps love was similar.
Perhaps, like the sun, love just was.
- end -