my wisdom
All right. So. Brian thinks I am sexy. Okay. That's nice. It's good to be sexy, right? Even if it does make me feel sick inside to be thought of that way. Why should it make me feel awful to be sexy? I suppose I associate sexy with slutty. And I'd rather be beautiful, and respected, and admired, instead of sexy, slutty, and lusted for.
All right. So, now that I have made that point. I do not lust after Brian. I love Brian, just as much as a wife loves a husband. If I didn't, I would have moved on long ago, because he's infuriating, and damn it, it takes a lot of love to put up with his shit. But despite all of that love, I don't -lust- for him. In the beginning, I did. But I don't anymore. I havn't for a long time. I don't even want to be sexual a great deal of the time. But occasionally, I am, for him, because I love him.
But the thought that he does lust after me, makes me feel cheap. It makes the act of being intimate for him seem cheap. And it makes me want to be intimate even less frequently. So. Basically, men are just pigs, or there is something wrong with me.
I wish so much sometimes that I could just find someone that I could spend the rest of my life with, as a companion, inseperable, completely connected, and completely unsexual. Snuggling, laughing, loving, deep conversation, and absolutely no lust whatsoever. But then I may never have any children. *peers*
So, I just spent the weekend away at my grandparent's house, which I believe I mentioned before. I was there for Easter, with my sister, my father, Joe (my sister's boyfriend - which reminds me of that dream I had last night. I'll say more about that later). I'm not sure if it was a good thing to go or not. Initially, I felt very uncertain about going. I was hesitent. I felt this way, because of past experiences, going there. I never really fit in there. I end up miserable after the first hour, sometimes even sooner. Perhaps that is why I hadn't been there for four years, instead of my schedule?
But I'm tempted to say that I may possibly have been better off staying home alone, even if I would have been alone, that way. Maybe I would have been better off that way? Or maybe the highs and lows that I experienced while I was gone, would have come, no matter where I was.
I took a journal with me, since I wouldn't have my computer with me, to write things in here. And I have to say that some of the things that I wrote in there were the darkest of all, in a long time. I'm not going to include any of it in here. I think it has to be enough to admit that I wasn't in good shape this weekend, leave it at that, and move on.
There were just a couple of good things in the weekend. I got to apologize to Joe for threatening to 'kick his ass'. Yes. I did. He was saying things about my sister that I suppose I took seriously, when they were a joke, and I said, and I quote, 'If you insult my sister again, I'm going to kick your ass.'. It turns out that he'd completely forgotten about it, anyway, and upon being reminded of it, informed me that he didn't take me particularly seriously when I said it, anyway. It wasn't meant literally, anyway. It was just meant to convey displeasure. Anyway. Another good thing was seeing my cousins after four years. Eric is eight now, and so, so, so smart. I am so proud of him. And the last time I saw Matt, he was a baby, and he's five, now. He's so adorable, and he's so caring, and loyal, and fun. It was just wonderful to see them, and play with them in their playhouse. They insisted that Kim and I be in there with them. :) And when we tried to leave, they would latch onto our hands, and pull is right back in, with all their might. It was prescious. :)
But then there was my grandmother belittling me with her sarcastic insults, and then my grandfather treating me as if I am five, and can't manage to work a remote control enough to be allowed to use it (even though most five year olds these days can operate a remote control, and even computers, better than he can), and my father (*sighs* This was the worst part of all), crying, when at one point before we left, it turned out I might not go, because I felt an impending doom descending upon the weekend. That's where it started. He full out cried, just because I said I might not go, because it wouldn't work out, and that's where the darkness set in... but I just can't go too much into that, or I'll spill the whole thing out, and I can't.
Oh, but I did get to be the passenger in my Uncle Mark's 1970's restored, metallic turquoise blue corvette. It was somewhat terrifying, and breath-taking, all at the same time. ;)
All right. Now -the- dream. The absolutely confusing, no possible way to be analyzed, dream. I had a dream last night, and the only part that I can really remember, is the part with my sister's boyfriend in it. Now, for the life of me, I don't know why... but if you can explain this dream, feel free to explain it to me.
I'm on the phone with Brian, and a vision comes to me of him driving, and me getting in his car... we're talking about him coming to pick me up from where I am, to drive me home. I tell him that no, I do not need a ride home, because I'm busy. I am at school. It is a college campus to me, but looks exactly like my highschool. After I am done on the phone with Brian, I am suddenly hand in hand with someone else. I am walking along the campus, outside, in the courtyard, with the moonlight shining down on me, and I am laughing, and smiling at this person that I walk with. This person is the vision of my sister's boyfriend. He looks just like him. It is him. It is Joe. It is my sister's boyfriend. We're talking so much, and having a great time, and we are holding hands. Suddenly, I say something that he does not like, and he yanks his hand away from me. 'We have nothing in common. Get away from me.'. And he walks away. Suddenly, I have a longing to have asked Brian to come, and to have left with him. I try to call him again, but he won't answer his phone. And I'm alone.
After that, I had another dream, but it doesn't baffle me quite as much as the first. In it, I am a part of a sorority, and everything is going wonderfully... I'm getting along with all of them, and I'm happy. But then suddenly, they ask me a question, and I give them an answer that they don't like, and they kick me out of the sorority. I can pretty much explain that one to myself, though. I've never felt socially excepted by anyone, really.
And now, to end this rather long journal entry, I want to spread a wise piece of advice around to the masses. It's a rare knowledge that not many realize for themselves, until after it is too late, and at that point, it does no good, except to torture you over what might have been, if you had known. It is something that I will teach my children, and be certain that they know, when it is of most valuable use to them. Nothing that happens in highschool, with the extreme exception of your school work, matters at -all-. When you graduate from highschool, all of it will become null and void, and the only thing you will carry with you are the regrets that you didn't study for an exam, and you didn't do your homework, and you slept through half of your classes. It won't matter that the cutest boy in school didn't notice you. You will one day marry the prince of your dreams, so why does some cute jerk matter? You're a nerd, and because of it, you're unpopular to all of the 'cool' kids? Well, I've got news for you. Being yourself is just as cool as the North Pole, and being one of the 'cool' kids, and acting like everyone else because someone says it is cool, is about as cool as the sun. Oh, do go to the Prom. You don't have a date? Go anyway. That's the -one- social aspect of highschool that you -will- regret- missing, and if you have a miserable time, don't worry, because it won't matter later. Missing it will, though.
So, now that I have been wise and spread my words of wisdom to those in need of it... ;)