Kono Daremo Inai Heya De
People have been asking me how I'm doing. I suppose that I should let someone know.
HIM: He's been on my mind lately. There's really nothing I can do anymore. He doesn't love me, and as of late, I've realized that I don't love him. I suppose it was a passing crush, or a test of some sort. I can still remember how he smelled, or how it felt when he hugged me...like everything in the world was better, and I would never be cold again..but the warmth faded, and I remember how bitter cold I would feel when we fought. I know that I can't go on being his friend. I can't go on talking to him, or seeing him, and after what happened last night, I don't want to. I have no desire to do anything other then wish him a happy and healthy life. Perhaps that makes me evil? Or perhaps that makes me a bitch..but this is how I feel. I can't keep clinging to a person that I made up. He's holding me back to a person I don't want to be anymore. It's time to move on.
I'm sorry...and goodbye.
HER: I listened to the song today in my car. Though I can't understand all the words, I think I know the gist of it. When I listen to the song, I feel her. I can see her, though I've never really seen her. She's been frozen motionless. A shy smile...a pretty red scarf...but I can see her. I can smell her, though I've never been near her, and I can feel her arms around me in a hug, though I've never really met her. I would have interperated this as romantic feelings, but somehow, now, they've trancended those selfish feelings. Just hearing that she is happy, makes me happy. Her voice cheers me up. Her laugh makes me smile, and even a written word can make me fly.
There was a time when I would have gone down into hell for her affection. Now I know that I had it all along. I was just too blinded by my emotions to feel it. I love her, in the purest form of the word that I can fathom. If I can't romantically make her happy, though it makes some part of me a little sad, just the fact that she is truely, genuinely happy fills me with a joy that I never knew I was worthy to feel.
Her song set me free. I love you...and thank you.
HIM: He's my best friend, and one that I can tell anything to. I know I'm stupid. I know I have problems that he dosen't understand, but he's always been there for me. I love him, though I'm not in love with him, and I know that hurts him, but if I had to walk on flaming hot coals to make it up to him, I would.
You are priceless. I wouldn't be here without you.
HER: She has gone with me though the gates of hell and back again. We've faced so much, and gone through so many trials and tribulations..I can't let that go. I can't let that go because of talk, or guys, or lack of time, or distance or anything. She is my sister, in name if not blood. She is the only one that knows everything about me. My hates, my loves, my fears (justified or not) and she would go through hell with me again if I needed her to. She's my guardian angel.
Sai would be jealous of you taking his job. ^^ YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!
HER: She's one who understands me. One that I love and care for and would protect with my life. She's one that makes me feel ALIVE in the most human aspect of the word. She makes me feel warmth, physically and mentally and emotionally. She's one that I cling to when I need someone to hold me and tell me it's ok. She makes my mind and body sing (take that however you want) and I love her for it. She means so many things to me. She's my dear, and I'm her kitten.
*purrs and curls up in your lap*
I think it's time that I write again. My life seems so much like "kono daremo inai heya de." The Empty Room or The White Room..but it's so much more. Literally.. The Room With No One In It. A City With No People. My writing comes to me in short bursts...a flicker of remorse and loss when love doesn't see..or a flash of happiness when you know you'll be together forever. I have the gift of manipulating emotions through words. I just never realized it. I can't confine myself to a plot. I can't resolve myself to a long, drawn out story. My gift is flashes. Glimpses..and flickers. To draw them into my mind..feel my emotions for just a time so that they come back from it and feel happy to know they experienced something like that and saw good in it. Survived. LIVED.
And I wasn't living. I wasn't breathing...I wasn't here. I'm still not here. I'm not here. I'm worried, stressed, distressed, anxious and lonley. Most of all lonley. It's like cold seeping into my bones no matter how many coats I wear...but slowly I'm finding that I can't lock up my emotions. I can't push them back any more. I have to write about them. I have to get them out, and then I can start to heal. Ashley is gone. Forever..that's how it goes. No more resentment, no more anger. No more nothing. Just a void and a wound that is slowly healing. But it is healing. I know I have issues. I know that I don't value myself at all. But I saw in my father what I will become if I keep going down this road. So I offer thanks, most of all to Casey, Tarra, Val and Dot. My angels. I couldn't do anything without all of you. I love you all to death, and would gladly walk that river myself to the very last gate if I could. If I had to. You mean the stars to me. I'm sorry I haven't shown it lately.
HIM: He's been on my mind lately. There's really nothing I can do anymore. He doesn't love me, and as of late, I've realized that I don't love him. I suppose it was a passing crush, or a test of some sort. I can still remember how he smelled, or how it felt when he hugged me...like everything in the world was better, and I would never be cold again..but the warmth faded, and I remember how bitter cold I would feel when we fought. I know that I can't go on being his friend. I can't go on talking to him, or seeing him, and after what happened last night, I don't want to. I have no desire to do anything other then wish him a happy and healthy life. Perhaps that makes me evil? Or perhaps that makes me a bitch..but this is how I feel. I can't keep clinging to a person that I made up. He's holding me back to a person I don't want to be anymore. It's time to move on.
I'm sorry...and goodbye.
HER: I listened to the song today in my car. Though I can't understand all the words, I think I know the gist of it. When I listen to the song, I feel her. I can see her, though I've never really seen her. She's been frozen motionless. A shy smile...a pretty red scarf...but I can see her. I can smell her, though I've never been near her, and I can feel her arms around me in a hug, though I've never really met her. I would have interperated this as romantic feelings, but somehow, now, they've trancended those selfish feelings. Just hearing that she is happy, makes me happy. Her voice cheers me up. Her laugh makes me smile, and even a written word can make me fly.
There was a time when I would have gone down into hell for her affection. Now I know that I had it all along. I was just too blinded by my emotions to feel it. I love her, in the purest form of the word that I can fathom. If I can't romantically make her happy, though it makes some part of me a little sad, just the fact that she is truely, genuinely happy fills me with a joy that I never knew I was worthy to feel.
Her song set me free. I love you...and thank you.
HIM: He's my best friend, and one that I can tell anything to. I know I'm stupid. I know I have problems that he dosen't understand, but he's always been there for me. I love him, though I'm not in love with him, and I know that hurts him, but if I had to walk on flaming hot coals to make it up to him, I would.
You are priceless. I wouldn't be here without you.
HER: She has gone with me though the gates of hell and back again. We've faced so much, and gone through so many trials and tribulations..I can't let that go. I can't let that go because of talk, or guys, or lack of time, or distance or anything. She is my sister, in name if not blood. She is the only one that knows everything about me. My hates, my loves, my fears (justified or not) and she would go through hell with me again if I needed her to. She's my guardian angel.
Sai would be jealous of you taking his job. ^^ YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!
HER: She's one who understands me. One that I love and care for and would protect with my life. She's one that makes me feel ALIVE in the most human aspect of the word. She makes me feel warmth, physically and mentally and emotionally. She's one that I cling to when I need someone to hold me and tell me it's ok. She makes my mind and body sing (take that however you want) and I love her for it. She means so many things to me. She's my dear, and I'm her kitten.
*purrs and curls up in your lap*
I think it's time that I write again. My life seems so much like "kono daremo inai heya de." The Empty Room or The White Room..but it's so much more. Literally.. The Room With No One In It. A City With No People. My writing comes to me in short bursts...a flicker of remorse and loss when love doesn't see..or a flash of happiness when you know you'll be together forever. I have the gift of manipulating emotions through words. I just never realized it. I can't confine myself to a plot. I can't resolve myself to a long, drawn out story. My gift is flashes. Glimpses..and flickers. To draw them into my mind..feel my emotions for just a time so that they come back from it and feel happy to know they experienced something like that and saw good in it. Survived. LIVED.
And I wasn't living. I wasn't breathing...I wasn't here. I'm still not here. I'm not here. I'm worried, stressed, distressed, anxious and lonley. Most of all lonley. It's like cold seeping into my bones no matter how many coats I wear...but slowly I'm finding that I can't lock up my emotions. I can't push them back any more. I have to write about them. I have to get them out, and then I can start to heal. Ashley is gone. Forever..that's how it goes. No more resentment, no more anger. No more nothing. Just a void and a wound that is slowly healing. But it is healing. I know I have issues. I know that I don't value myself at all. But I saw in my father what I will become if I keep going down this road. So I offer thanks, most of all to Casey, Tarra, Val and Dot. My angels. I couldn't do anything without all of you. I love you all to death, and would gladly walk that river myself to the very last gate if I could. If I had to. You mean the stars to me. I'm sorry I haven't shown it lately.