(no subject)
today was a good day. i could have done with more to eat, but all in all it was good.
I started my job today. ICT call center, outbound credit card sales. I really wasn't too keen on the idea, i'm not all about being pushy and trying to get someone to buy a credit card, who the heck wants a credit card anyway? I figured it was all about tricking them into buying one. being annoying. i was only doing it temporarily for the money. we only did two days of training, and when i went in today i was SO nervous and unprepared. all these buttons and rules, i was worried i'd fuck it up. not worried about having a customer yell in my ear, just about messing up.
it turned out pretty good actually. very good. i had a blast. After i got the hang of it, after i pretty much knew what i was doing it was fun. and i have to say it's an educational job too. there's a lot of skills involved in being a telemarketer.
but even more, i actually LIKE this job. i'm not even joking. it really suits me. there's just something about dealing with customers on the phone rather than in person, discovering how people treat telemarketers (surprisingly decently on the whole) and how rude/polite they are depending on where they live in the country. trying to pronounce the names, learning how to pronounce them correctly...trying to supress laughter when you have to keep addressing Mr. Wang or Mrs. Hoe. having people with a good sense of humour next to your cubicle is really nice. it's a very chatty job too. i know it makes me sound completely uncultured, but i know in past customer service jobs i'd always get the urge to turn to my fellow employee and say 'that last guy i just served had the biggest nose hairs ever!" but...you can't. here you can. after the call is over and you've hung up you can instantly turn to your neighbor and say "wow...that guy was flamboyant." there's a REAL pleasure in being able to put your customer on hold. it's like "you exist and...oh, now you don't." fucking beats being a cashier or a fast food employee any day. now i understand why being on customer service at superstore was so relieving for some people and i wish i could have stayed and tried it. but then i never would have found this job. another great reason why this job suits me is that i can't think and work at the same time, i can't mull over depressing thoughts in my head while i repeat some obnoxious mundane task because i have to keep focused and on the ball. i have to think quick, problem solve, improvise, act. and oh, the acting. lathering up every word i choose, using a sweet and persuasive voice, or the sexiest voice i can muster if it's a man. it's great fun. the customers are fun too, most of them hang up, but some of them play along for a while or flirt or laugh at me or ask totally unrelated questions. some of them walk away to get a snack while you're reading the closing statement. a lot of people really like getting a new credit card, i wouldn't have thought. the best part is having a goal to see how many sales you can make. it's kind of challenging and fun. i made two tonight, although i did get all the way through another one before the customer changed her mind. pretty good for a first day.
and oh, the other nice part about my day way finally sorting a few things out with david. he's been unwilling to discuss anything since we broke up two months ago (not that we even properly broke up) and it's been intensely difficult for me to move on. i've been trying not to talk about it to anyone, but at the same time really needing someone to talk to. And in the end there's only one person you really can talk to. otherwise questions just build up and you can't find answers, only possibilities and assumptions, and that's not enough. i can't let go of something just like that, i need resolution and understanding. carrying unfinished business around with you is a horrible burden that pulls you back and drags you down more than anything can. so today felt like a breath of fresh air.
david would always say it wasn't working between us, he'd tell me we weren't happy. and my pride kept me from hearing that. he never said 'it's not working for me' he said 'it's not working between us' and i would go to any length to prove that was not the case. i never really heard it, because i knew it could work, so i'd try to make it work. and i believed it would have, but now i know it couldn't have because i'd missed something important. now i know david felt like he was trying to hard to make something work that wasn't making him happy, he was forcing it to work. not because its what he wanted, but because he knew i wanted it. and i would have to thank him for that. it was all a very sweet gift, but it was at his expense. and if he was truly unhappy, then i couldn't be happy taking it from him. that's not something i would ever want.
it's amazing how much we will do for someone else to see them happy. maybe it's because we can't see our own faces when we're happy, so we don't know what we really enjoy or want, yet we know enjoyment when we see it on someone else. when you manage to make someone else smile, it's like a mirror, and we'll go to any length to make someone else happy before we make ourselves happy. you get two people like that, and over time you get diminished enjoyment, because both parties are neglecting themselves and blaming themselves for each others' unhappiness.
but now i realize that i truly did WANT something, in a time when i began to believe i no longer wanted anything, i'm reminded that i really did. and while i didn't get it in the end, at least i know i wanted. and i fought hard for it. up until now, i felt like i lost, but i haven't, i just gained something i wasn't seeking. and i'm sure that one day i will find something else that i truly want and i will fight for it too. and maybe one day i'll get lucky.
pretty much anything i truly needed was met today, or at least it's begun. so my future doesn't look so grim now. things might actually turn out ok.
only thing left that i need is money, and that's on its way too!
now i'm tired (first time in a while) and i'm going to go get a good night's rest.