Fic: Going Back to the Start 1/1
Title: Going Back to the Start
Author: StarbucksSue
Author’s Notes: Originally written for the 2009 Ancient’s Gate slash NCIS Zine ‘Boat, Bourbon, Basement’
Warnings: Nothing explicit
Spoilers: Bury Your Dead
Characters/Pairings: Gibbs/ DiNozzo
Rating: PG-13
Genre/Category: Slash, Episode Tag, Hurt/Comfort
Disclaimer: I don’t own NCIS or any of its characters, I just like to play with them once in a while. So far, they haven’t complained.
Gibbs looked up at the sound of the elevator opening on their floor and frowned when Ziva walked out alone into the bullpen.
“Where’s DiNozzo?” he snapped as she rounded the privacy screens into their area.
Ziva caught Tim’s eye and he shrugged at the reaction, the question was almost identical to the ‘where the hell is DiNozzo’ that had met them first thing that morning. However, the obvious concern for his Senior Field Agent on this occasion was in stark contrast to the anger over Tony’s non-appearance earlier that day.
“I left him at Jeanne’s apartment, Gibbs. She is not there and has cleared out every personal item; it does not look as if she intends to return. She left a note for Tony but he did not share with me the contents,” Ziva reported neutrally.
Gibbs sighed and checked his watch. It was getting late and he almost hadn’t bothered coming back after leaving the Director’s house. Coming to a decision he rose to his feet.
“Go home, get some rest. I want both of you here early tomorrow and I want to know where The Frog has gone to ground and if his daughter’s with him. Find out all you can about him and his daughter and who the most likely candidates are who might want either of them dead. I want answers as soon as I get in.”
He didn’t stop for their reactions. Grabbing his wallet, gun and keys he headed for the elevator without looking back.
Gibbs cursed as he made his way to his car, wishing he’d stayed with DiNozzo. Tony had been barely holding it together throughout the Director’s interrogation and Gibbs was still furious with her over that. She hadn’t shown any concern or compassion for Tony at all, not even relief that he was still alive. The only thing Jenny had been worried about was her undercover operation and he was convinced that the whole charade was simply Jenny’s vengeance over her father’s suicide, especially after the recent confrontation at her home. Gibbs knew he’d had an obsession with Ari but that had been work related. Ari had first attacked and injured members of his team and then killed one of them in the line of duty. This was different. Jenny had abused her power as Director by using Tony as a pawn in her obsessive game in the unsanctioned investigation of La Grenouille. This wasn’t an NCIS case; there had been no need to involve Tony at all, although he could see how easily Tony would have been drawn in.
The fact that it had all started when he’d ‘retired’ to Mexico only served to increase Gibbs’ guilt. When he’d quit he’d remembered enough about Tony to know that his second in command was quite capable of leading the team, what he had forgotten about was the personal relationship he’d had with Tony as well as Tony’s abandonment issues. He could clearly see now that he’d left Tony distraught and confused, in charge of a team of shocked agents and reporting to a Director who would have been equally stunned at his quitting. He’d pulled the rug out from under all their feet, leaving the team in disarray.
Always needing approval, Tony would have agreed to Jenny’s proposition not just to prove that he was worthy of Gibbs’ trust but to distract himself from what he had lost. Tony would never have imagined he would come to love Jeanne, Gibbs knew that, he knew Tony’s issues almost as well as DiNozzo did. Tony rarely let anyone close, and having been abandoned by Gibbs both professionally and personally, he would have immersed himself in the undercover operation simply as a coping mechanism, then when Gibbs still hadn’t remembered their personal relationship on his return it would have cemented the relationship with Jeanne. It explained why his second had been so distant with him since his reinstatement, Tony knew he was transparent to Gibbs, he’d always found it almost impossible to lie or mislead the other man. He would have hated hiding this assignment from Gibbs, regardless of the state of their personal relationship.
Pulling out of the Navy Yard with a squeal of tires, he headed for Georgetown and Jeanne’s apartment. He needed to find his second in command and fast, before Tony ran.
Gibbs found the apartment easily enough, not caring whose parking bay he left his car in. He entered the building, surprised at the lack of security, allowing anyone to walk through the front doors. Quickly finding the right apartment, he knocked on the door.
There was no answer and Gibbs wondered if he was too late. He tapped again, this time calling softly though the door.
“Tony, if you’re there, let me in.” This time he heard movement from behind the door and he released a breath that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. At least Tony wasn’t going to try and shut him out completely, Tony had been known to run and hide in the past when things overwhelmed him.
Tony opened the door, allowing Gibbs to step into the apartment and close the door behind him. He stood before Gibbs, tears as yet unshed shimmering in his eyes. Without saying anything, he turned away and walked to the window, suddenly needing the distance, not ready to deal with the sympathy and concern he could clearly see in Gibbs’ eyes.
“Hey, how are you doing?” Gibbs voice was gentle as he asked the question.
Tony shook his head, unable to get any words out through the ache in his throat. He wouldn’t allow himself to cry, he’d lied to Gibbs and deceived his boss over the past few months. Ever since Gibbs’ return from Mexico Tony had led a double life, hiding things from those he was closest to. It wasn’t right that his former lover was here to support him now, he didn’t deserve it, however badly he wanted it.
Gaining some semblance of control he took a deep breath before turning to Gibbs. “You know I’m really not sure at the moment,” he replied, his voice not quite steady. “She left me a note, asking me to choose between her and NCIS. I just don’t know what’s real anymore, Boss.”
“Yeah I know, but you weren’t the person she thought you were. Would you be willing to give up everything in your life, your friends and the job you love, and if she does love you like you think she does would she really force you to choose?” Gibbs voice was soft, patient and reassuring, the kind of tone he used with victims and children and it suddenly occurred to Tony that just maybe he was a victim in all of this too.
He looked around the familiar apartment and then back at Gibbs, at a loss.
“You ready to get out of here?” Gibbs asked bluntly. He knew it wasn’t going to do Tony any good hanging around the apartment, not now.
“Yeah.” He looked around scrubbing a hand through his hair. “Damn it, Boss, I feel so confused, I’m not sure I know who I am right now, or how I should feel.” He looked straight at Gibbs, emotions passing over his features so quickly that the older man had a hard time interpreting them.
“What do you want to do now?” Gibbs asked patiently.
“To be honest, right now I just want to get in my car and drive, it’s always been a good way for me to think, put things in perspective but it’s the one thing I can’t do at the moment.” He stopped to take a deep breath. “You know the irony of all of this though, Boss?” Tony looked straight at Gibbs. “La Grenouille could have killed me today, I still have no idea where he was taking me; instead, he saved my life. If he’d allowed me to take my car, it would have been me, would have been my body down in autopsy.” He chuckled but there was no humor to the sound.
Gibbs just nodded; he’d realized the same thing himself while Tony was recounting the events of the morning back in Jenny’s office. He owed The Frog that at least.
“Take my car, but you stop driving if you get too tired, if you need, I’ll come and drive you back. Call me if you’re not going to be back by midnight and let me know where you are. When you do get back you check in with me in person, even if you want to go back to your apartment afterwards. I thought I lost you once today already, DiNozzo, so don’t scare me again. Got it?” Gibbs’ face was full of concern and Tony could clearly see the sincerity shining in his eyes.
“Fair enough. One problem though - no cell…” He didn’t have time to finish the sentence as the small phone was placed in his hands, Gibbs’ fingers wrapping comfortingly around his the same way they had when he had the plague.
“This one is brand new so you have a different number, which at the moment only I know.”
“So no calls for Spanky then?” Tony managed a watery grin before turning serious again. “Thanks, Boss, thanks for being here.”
Two hours later, Tony stared out over the dark waters of the Potomac River, his mind in a whirl. He’d driven down through Maryland, not particularly thinking about anything at first, just allowing his mind to wander. Eventually he had pulled over just before crossing the bridge which would take him over the river and into Virginia. Memories of Jeanne flitted through his mind in no particular order, remembering the times they had spent together. He had loved her, in his own way and she thought she had loved him and wanted a future with him, but had he really been in love with her? He’d been pulled in by the thought of the permanence and security, yet at the same time it had scared the hell out of him. But was Gibbs right, if she really loved him, would she really make him choose between his work and friends and her? Like it often had over the past few months his mind drifted back to Gibbs.
Despite his relationship with Jeanne, he knew he still loved Gibbs, he’d never stopped loving or missing him. When they’d first met, Gibbs had been there for him after the death of his Baltimore partner who had been the fifth victim of a serial killer Gibbs was hunting. They’d spent a week investigating the case, at the end of which Gibbs had offered him a job at NCIS. Gibbs had spent time and energy on him, training him and supporting him on the occasions where cases cut a little close to home and brought his issues to the fore. Instead of allowing Tony to suppress them, Gibbs had encouraged him to deal with his past. For the first time in his life, Tony had found someone who really cared about him as a person. Tony’s feelings for his superior had developed slowly but it had taken Kate’s death to bring them together. Tony’s still questionable health after the Y-Pestis and his exhaustion after the flights to and from Indiana for Kate’s funeral had made Gibbs take him back to his place, the emotion of the long day coupled with the shared grief and horror of what they had witnessed on the rooftop had led to the familiar nightmares and it hadn’t taken much persuading from Gibbs for Tony to stay longer with him. From there the relationship had developed and Tony had spent almost every night with his lover until the fateful day when Gibbs was caught in the explosion, resulting in his loss of memory and his ‘retirement’ to Mexico. By the time he returned, Tony was already deep undercover and involved with Jeanne. Gibbs had never mentioned that he’d ever remembered what he and Tony had shared so Tony had silently grieved the loss of the most precious relationship he’d ever had and had thrown everything into the ever deepening charade with Jeanne.
Tony crossed his arms over the steering wheel and rested his head on them, the long buried fear and grief of almost losing Gibbs in the explosion rising unexpectedly to the surface. Gibbs had survived but Tony had still lost him and the pain of that loss was as sharp now as it had been back then. As Tony’s emotions swirled, tears threatened again but he resolutely fought them back. He was exhausted in mind and body and realized that he was in no state to think clearly. Not quite certain what he wanted, but knowing exactly where he wanted to be, he started up the engine and pulling onto the bridge, crossed into Virginia, heading for Alexandria, Gibbs’ house and the one place he had always felt safe.
It was almost midnight when Gibbs heard the car pull into the drive. A few moments later the door opened and then closed gently and there was silence for a minute when Gibbs knew that shoes would be kicked off and jacket removed before his visitor turned left to join him down in the basement.
He carried on sanding as quiet footsteps padded across the living room floor and down the basement stairs, only turning when he heard the quiet sigh as his Senior Field Agent sat in his usual spot where the stairs turned the corner near the bottom. Tony looked tired and pale but composed and Gibbs threw the sandpaper on the workbench and tipped bourbon into his mug and an empty jelly jar before walking over to the stairs and lowering himself to sit down beside him.
“How’re you doing?” Gibbs repeated his question from earlier, handing Tony the makeshift glass.
“Honestly? I’m still not so sure, Boss,” Tony replied with a wry grin. “I drove down though Maryland and across into Virginia and here by the back roads, they’re pretty quiet at this time of night, the river’s pretty by moonlight.” He stopped, realizing he was babbling and stared into his drink before taking a mouthful. “You know, this went on for so long it’s kind of hard to think of it as being over.”
“It’s a long time to be undercover, you’re going to need time to adjust, come to terms with it all, remember how to be just you again,” Gibbs reassured him with his usual honesty.
“Yeah, just… damn it Gibbs, I did grow to love her, it wasn’t supposed to end like this, this wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“How was it supposed to end then? You think she would have understood and accepted that you’d lied to her about who you were? Or did you think you could carry on indefinitely being two people, living a lie?” Gibbs questioned gently.
“No, I just… oh, I don’t know.” Tony took another long swallow, emptying the glass and banging it on the stair as he stood. He paced across the room, staring up at the ceiling for a moment before continuing quietly. “You know I didn’t sleep with her for months, our relationship was almost platonic and she was the one who made the first move. You know I’ve never been out with a woman for so long without getting laid, it just seemed wrong… like I was using her, but Jenny was the one who encouraged me to take it further. I wish I could have talked to you about it; I know you’d have put me straight. I wanted to tell you, Boss, I didn’t want to keep secrets from you…”
“Hey, I know. That’s enough,” Gibbs interrupted softly when he saw Tony getting upset again. “It’s over, Tony, it’s not a secret any more, it’s in the past. I’m sorry that I wasn’t around when you needed me but I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.”
It was the surprise of the rarely heard apology coupled with the quiet reassurance that broke through his barriers and Tony felt the tears burning his eyes again as he turned away, trying to hide his rising emotions.
“Tony?” Gibbs voice was close now, Tony hadn’t realized Gibbs had moved but he felt gentle hands on his shoulders turning him so they were face to face. Unable to hold everything back any longer, the emotions from the day crashed over him like a tidal wave. Had Gibbs not been there to catch him, he’d have fallen to his knees, exhaustion from long months living a double life coupled with way too much emotion for one day taking their toll. The strong hands that gripped him tightly controlled their descent to the floor where he was pulled into a familiar embrace. He buried his face in Gibbs’ shoulder, his arms snaking around Gibbs’ waist to fist tightly in the soft material of the sweatshirt Gibbs was wearing. Gibbs held him securely in return, stroking his hair, rocking him gently and soothing him as he had done countless times before.
For a long time Tony was incapable of coherent thought as the emotional storm raged. He clung to Gibbs, terrified by the intensity of his emotions as time ceased to have any meaning for him. Reassured by the familiar smells of bourbon, coffee and sawdust, he allowed his mind to draft and gave himself over to Gibbs completely, trusting Gibbs to anchor him to a reality he wasn’t really sure he was ready to return to.
Awareness returned slowly and Tony felt confused and uncertain until the familiar smells registered in his overwrought mind. He knew he was being held and realized that the gentle hand threading slowly and comfortingly through his hair belonged to his former lover. His throat felt raw and his eyes sore and gritty and it took a moment before the events of the day slammed into him and he gasped as the memories literally stole his breath.
“Easy, Tony, you’re okay. You will be okay.” Gibbs’ words were gentle but certain and Tony knew that he was speaking from experience. Gibbs had lived through the deaths of his wife and child, and despite his own pain Tony knew that what he was going through just didn’t compare to Gibbs’ pain. Tony trusted Gibbs, if he said he would be okay then Tony knew that eventually he would be. His boss had always had his six.
He closed his eyes again, relaxing against the strong body supporting his and took a few deep breaths. He didn’t know how long they had been sitting on the basement floor, him resting against the older man, head on his shoulder and still clinging to his shirt. He forced his hands to open and attempted to sit up, part of him wanting to stay curled up in the safety and security of Gibbs’ arms but his bladder was pretty insistent that he hit the head sometime soon and he guessed that was what had brought him back to awareness.
“What’s the time?” he asked sleepily as Gibbs helped him sit up straight, still holding on to his shoulders.
“Almost 1:30am. Feeling any better?” Gibbs was being gentle but Tony wasn’t sure if he wanted gentle. He was afraid gentle would have him burrowing back sobbing into Gibbs’ embrace. “Come on, I want to get you to bed.”
“Now that’s an offer, but I think I’m way too tired,” he replied drowsily before realizing what he’d said, the comfort and familiarity of being held by his former lover coupled with his exhaustion making the internal censure of his words fail. “Sorry, Boss, I didn’t mean that I…” he broke off, embarrassed and Gibbs chuckled.
“Come on, I think you’re too tired to know what you’re saying. Up you get.” Gibbs suited his actions to the words, rising on stiff legs and pulling Tony up with him, keeping one arm around Tony’s waist as he led him up the stairs and to the guest bathroom.
As Tony used the facilities, Gibbs locked up the house, it wasn’t something he usually did but mindful of the events of the day, he decided to take precautions. He could hear Tony brushing his teeth, having found the spare toothbrush and toothpaste Gibbs had put out just in case, so Gibbs went into his bedroom to get ready for bed himself. As he came out of the en-suite bathroom, he found Tony sitting on his bed dressed in boxers and t-shirt and looking anxious.
“Gibbs, I don’t want to be alone, can I share with you?”
Gibbs nodded at him without even having to think about it. Even before they had been lovers they’d had to share beds on cases when they’d been away from home. They had both changed in the past year, the explosion, Mexico and Jeanne had all left their scars and Gibbs grinned to himself as Tony snuggled down beside him. Ducky had remarked on more than one occasion how alike they were. Losing their mothers at an early age, estranged from their fathers, both had emotional scars that they kept buried deep, and were loathe to share, and each covered it up with a mask, Gibbs with his quiet bastard persona and Tony with his shallow carefree fratboy image, they really were well suited to each other.
Gibbs turned out the light before settling down. “Sleep, Tony, I’ll be here if you need me. It’s going to take time, you loved Jeanne. You need to take the time to grieve for what you may have lost, but whatever decision you make, I’ll still be here for you,” he counseled softly, running his hands tenderly through the Tony’s hair.
“Not the only person, Boss, I still love you too,” Tony mumbled quietly in return. He rolled over and dropped his head on Gibbs’ shoulder, fingers gripping Gibbs’ t-shirt as he slipped quickly into slumber.
It was a long time before Gibbs fell asleep. He lay there thinking over Tony’s comments and actions and wondering if the other man had been serious in what he’s said. Gibbs knew that his relationship with Tony had changed over the years. When they’d first met, he’d been more of a teacher and mentor for the younger man as Tony had opened up and worked through some of his issues, trusting Gibbs enough to tell him about his childhood and his past the way he’d never trusted anyone else before, but their relationship had evolved since then.
In the first two years that Tony had been at NCIS, it had mostly been just the two of them, borrowing agents from other teams or case agents from local NCIS offices in between short-lived supposedly permanent agents who had quickly moved on, unable to please Gibbs. The dynamic had started changing once Kate and then Tim became permanent fixtures as Tony’s experience and seniority increased his confidence. That confidence had been shaken by Kate’s death but Tony had rallied, and with the addition of Ziva who he saw as a worthy opponent, he’d become ready, in Gibbs’ view, for his own team. It was Tony who didn’t believe it, something which Gibbs had pointed out to enough people on his return from Mexico. He’d known that Jenny had offered Tony the team lead in Rota and although he believed the younger man was ready, he knew that Tony didn’t want that responsibility yet and he was proud of him for not rushing into things as Jenny had done.
But as for Tony’s behavior tonight, was he still interested in a relationship with Gibbs despite everything that had happened? Gibbs knew he still loved Tony, he’d seen the young agent as his family for many years now. Tony had been the only man he’d ever fallen for, although he had experimented as a young Marine before he was married, as a lot of them had, posted overseas away from wives and girlfriends. But right now Tony had a choice to make and even if he did want to rekindle the relationship Gibbs didn’t want them to rush into anything, Tony needed time to be sure of his decision and to heal and Gibbs didn’t want to take advantage of his current vulnerability.
Gibbs groaned silently as his mind went around in circles. It was gone 2:00am and time to get some sleep, he could figure things out in the morning.
Gibbs woke at his usual time despite only having around three hours sleep to find Tony still plastered against him, using Gibbs’ shoulder as a pillow, Gibbs’ t-shirt still clutched firmly in his grasp. Determined to get out of bed without waking his bed fellow, Gibbs carefully slid Tony’s head to the warm spot on his pillow and took the easy way out by simply stripping his t-shirt off and leaving it in Tony’s hand. He couldn’t help but grin when the shirt was pulled up to Tony’s face where he could snuggle into it again.
Knowing from past experience that Tony could sleep through the shower running, Gibbs headed for the bathroom and was showered and dressed by the time the coffee machine in his kitchen bubbled the last of the strong brew into the pot.
An hour later and Gibbs was in his basement working on the boat; he needed both the peace and the activity to think clearly, it was a habit that went way back. He’d been taught to work with wood as a child by his father and it was one of only two things that father and son actually did together, the other being fishing. Both activities could be done alone or together, although it didn’t always mean that there was much conversation. Although Gibbs Senior could almost outdo Ducky, Gibbs Junior had never been one for unnecessary chatter and father and son had often spent long hours together both happy with the silent companionship which led to the opportunity to talk only if they wanted to.
With Tony it was different but the same. He always gave the impression of being a chatterbox but Gibbs knew differently. When Tony was relaxed and comfortable with his surroundings he was quite able to sit quietly, playing Tetris or working on crosswords, reading or simply watching Gibbs working on the boat. He’d even helped out a few times and they’d spent many a happy hour in the basement together with only the occasional conversation between them.
In bed he was the opposite - a happy Tony was noisy and talkative in bed but Gibbs was used to that. Shannon had been a talker and a screamer and she’d really had to tone it down after Kelly was born, Gibbs chuckled as he remembered Kelly coming running to their bedroom one night when she thought her mommy was hurt. Tony and Shannon had many qualities in common which he was only now coming to recognize. Content with his sanding, Gibbs allowed his mind to wander off to happier times.
Tony woke slowly, drifting to consciousness with a feeling of peace and security that had been missing from his life for a long time. Reality quickly kicked in but, unlike the last time he’d woken up, the memories of the previous day failed to have the same impact and he realized that he was content. He rolled over onto his back with his hands behind his head and frowned, the inherent investigator in him analyzing his feelings and the reasons behind them, muttering out loud to himself without even realizing he was doing it.
‘Okay, so I’m happy that the undercover operation is over, everyone knows and I don’t have to hide anything from anyone any longer, especially not Gibbs so I’m definitely relieved about that. Gibbs backed me up yesterday when Jenny wanted my blood; he still supports me despite my lying to him and he still cares, he may even be interested in rekindling our relationship. Okay, those are good things, how about the bad? The main one is that I hurt Jeanne; I led her to believe that what we had was real, that I was real, but she’s making me choose, my life or her. Could I really give up Gibbs and NCIS? On top of that I’ve pissed off the Director, do I care?’
He climbed slowly out of bed and made his way to the bathroom, mulling over the questions that had arisen during his introspection while he used the head and then climbed into the shower.
‘But was what I had with Jeanne real? Did we really care about each other as much as we believed we did? Gibbs was right. If she did love me she’d have given me the chance to explain and she wouldn’t have made me choose, so were we just so caught up in us that we didn’t see the bigger picture, okay so the sex was great and it felt good belonging to someone but was it really love or infatuation? Could I give up Gibbs and NCIS for Jeanne? No, I don’t think I could, even if Gibbs doesn’t want us to get back together, I love my job too much and I love the people I work with, okay, so maybe the Director isn’t my most favorite person in the world right now but I’m not going to have to work so closely with her from now on and Gibbs has my six, so I can live with that.’
He turned the shower off and climbed out, grabbing the towel that had been left out for him and drying himself roughly before remembering to throw it in the hamper, grinning as he remembered all the times he’d been yelled at for leaving damp towels lying on the floor.
He wandered naked back into the bedroom and hunted through the drawers for something to wear. At one point he would always have had clothes here but when Gibbs had fled to Mexico Tony had gone over the house carefully removing all evidence of his existence just in case. Finding sweats, t-shirt, and socks he dressed quickly before going in search of his host.
The feeling that he was being watched brought Gibbs back from his memories, but he didn’t turn or give any indication that he knew Tony was at the top of the basement stairs watching him. It was always a fine balance with Tony, a secure Tony would come straight down without any hesitation but an uncertain Tony would hover and watch before either coming down or occasionally leaving as if something had spooked him.
Gibbs sensed more than heard the younger man sneak up behind him. Arms wrapped slowly and hesitantly around Gibbs’ waist, his head on Gibbs’ shoulder and Gibbs could feel the warm puffs of breath on his neck. Turning his head slightly to look at his former lover gave Tony the opportunity lift his head to brush a quick kiss over his cheek.
“I meant what I said last night, Gibbs, I do love you and I still want you.” Tony hesitated for a moment, dropping his head back down to Gibbs’ shoulder so he didn’t have to look into his eyes. “When you came back from Mexico I waited to see if there was any sign that you remembered us and our relationship; it hurt when you didn’t and I thought then that what we had was over. I’d never let myself consider that before, all the time you were in Mexico I told myself that you could remember and come back to me at any time. But although you came back, you didn’t come back to me and that’s when I knew that I had to come to terms with it. It was only then that I really relaxed into the relationship with Jeanne. Until then it was just another undercover operation but I knew that I liked her and enjoyed her company. It was still over a month before I actually slept with her though. I had to be sure that things were really over between us.” He paused and took a deep breath, still hugging Gibbs tightly.
Not wanting to disrupt Tony’s train of thought, Gibbs reached up, stroking Tony’s hair to reassure him, it was something he knew Tony enjoyed and he felt him gradually relaxing against him as he continued his monologue.
“I realized though, that you were right. If she really loved me she wouldn’t have made me choose and I have thought about it and I know I couldn’t give up you or NCIS for her. I love you and I love my job. I think we just both got carried away with something that was comfortable and fun, and yeah, the sex was good, but it wouldn’t be enough, could never be enough. Although I grew to love her I don’t think I was ever in love with her. My choice is you, I want you and I always have, if you still want me.” Tony fell silent as he waited for a reply; his body relaxed against Gibbs’ back and Gibbs knew that he’d said all he wanted to say.
“I’m sorry, Tony. I’m sorry that I forgot about us and that it took me so long to remember. By the time I did, I knew you were with Jeanne and I was in a relationship with Hollis and I thought you’d moved on.” He reached around, pulling Tony round to face him and cupping his face tenderly. “But, there’s no reason why we can’t have a do-over, if you’re certain of what you want.” He looked straight into Tony’s eyes. “You need to take the time to grieve for what you had and for the future you thought you wanted. I’m not going to push you, or rush into anything with you, I need to know that you’re ready before we do anything more and then we’ll go back to the start, take it slow. However long it takes Tony, I’ll be here, it’s not often life gives second chances and I don’t want to screw this up by going too fast. I don’t want you to regret your decision.”
He brushed a tender, chaste kiss over Tony’s lips before pulling him close, relishing the way their bodies fit together as Tony snuggled in, arms once again wound round his body and head resting on his shoulder. He rocked them gently, swaying to music that only he could hear as he felt Tony relaxing further until he was the only thing holding the younger man up.
“You know if you carry on like this I’m going to fall asleep right where I’m standing.” Tony mumbled sleepily. “I’ve only been up half an hour and already I just want to curl up and sleep.”
“Maybe that’s just what you need. You’re exhausted, Tony. You’ve been living a double life for way too long. It takes a hell of a lot of concentration and energy just remembering who you are, especially when you have to switch on demand like you had to so take a few days off and just do what feels right.”
“Will you come back to bed with me?” Tony mumbled shyly.
“Tony!” The warning was clear in Gibbs’ voice.
“Not to do anything,” Tony was quick to reassure. “I just want to curl up with you, Jethro, to know you’re there, to feel safe,” he finished on a whisper, burrowing impossibly closer to Gibbs.
It was the use of his first name, rather than the more usual Gibbs or Boss that did it. Tony had used it automatically, without giving it any thought and for Gibbs, everything suddenly clicked into place. The strangeness of the past few months since his return from Mexico had made it feel like the earth was on a different axis yet suddenly, just hearing Tony use his name and being here in his arms after all this time, was like the planets coming into alignment and setting things right again.
The bomb blast, losing his memory and his time in Mexico had given him the chance to grieve for Shannon and Kelly properly for the first time, without the anger and need for vengeance he’d had when the tragedy first happened. It had made him realize that his marriages to Patricia, Diane and Stephanie had been a coping mechanism, a way to block out what happened to his wife and daughter instead of dealing with it, in much the same way that Tony had immersed himself in his relationship with Jeanne to cope with losing him. ‘You know Jethro, you and Anthony are very much alike.’ Gibbs laughed silently as he heard the familiar comment made so often by the elderly medical examiner once again echo in his head. ‘Yeah Duck, more than you’ll ever know,’ he replied to himself, as he led a very sleepy Tony back to bed.
Gibbs slipped his shoes off and settled on the bed, piling the pillows behind him and picking up his book, Tony undressed and crept in beside him under the covers, curling up close and resting his head on Gibbs’ chest where the sounds of Gibbs’ steady heartbeat would lull him to sleep, obviously content in knowing that whatever had happened leading up to this moment, Gibbs was still there and always would be.
“You know, I do have to go into work at some point this morning. I’ll stay for another hour but then I really will go. I still need to finish up the investigation but I can handle that with McGee and David. You take the rest of the week to get back into your own skin. Stay here or go back to your apartment, it’s up to you, but you’re welcome here.” As Gibbs finished talking he knew that Tony was already heading for sleep, the dark head nodding sleepily against his chest, one hand coming up again to fist in his t-shirt and Gibbs couldn’t keep the amused grin off his face.
As he picked up his book, his free hand automatically started carding rhythmically through Tony’s hair again and he smiled to himself as he felt Tony relax into sleep, finally back where he belonged.
The sex between them had always been fantastic and he didn’t mind admitting to himself that he missed it, but the closeness and intimacy of moments like this were precious and he cherished every one of them. For now it would be enough, it was what Tony needed to heal. For everything else, well, they had the rest of their lives but whatever hurdles were thrown in their path in the future they would face them together.
The End
Author: StarbucksSue
Author’s Notes: Originally written for the 2009 Ancient’s Gate slash NCIS Zine ‘Boat, Bourbon, Basement’
Warnings: Nothing explicit
Spoilers: Bury Your Dead
Characters/Pairings: Gibbs/ DiNozzo
Rating: PG-13
Genre/Category: Slash, Episode Tag, Hurt/Comfort
Disclaimer: I don’t own NCIS or any of its characters, I just like to play with them once in a while. So far, they haven’t complained.
Gibbs looked up at the sound of the elevator opening on their floor and frowned when Ziva walked out alone into the bullpen.
“Where’s DiNozzo?” he snapped as she rounded the privacy screens into their area.
Ziva caught Tim’s eye and he shrugged at the reaction, the question was almost identical to the ‘where the hell is DiNozzo’ that had met them first thing that morning. However, the obvious concern for his Senior Field Agent on this occasion was in stark contrast to the anger over Tony’s non-appearance earlier that day.
“I left him at Jeanne’s apartment, Gibbs. She is not there and has cleared out every personal item; it does not look as if she intends to return. She left a note for Tony but he did not share with me the contents,” Ziva reported neutrally.
Gibbs sighed and checked his watch. It was getting late and he almost hadn’t bothered coming back after leaving the Director’s house. Coming to a decision he rose to his feet.
“Go home, get some rest. I want both of you here early tomorrow and I want to know where The Frog has gone to ground and if his daughter’s with him. Find out all you can about him and his daughter and who the most likely candidates are who might want either of them dead. I want answers as soon as I get in.”
He didn’t stop for their reactions. Grabbing his wallet, gun and keys he headed for the elevator without looking back.
Gibbs cursed as he made his way to his car, wishing he’d stayed with DiNozzo. Tony had been barely holding it together throughout the Director’s interrogation and Gibbs was still furious with her over that. She hadn’t shown any concern or compassion for Tony at all, not even relief that he was still alive. The only thing Jenny had been worried about was her undercover operation and he was convinced that the whole charade was simply Jenny’s vengeance over her father’s suicide, especially after the recent confrontation at her home. Gibbs knew he’d had an obsession with Ari but that had been work related. Ari had first attacked and injured members of his team and then killed one of them in the line of duty. This was different. Jenny had abused her power as Director by using Tony as a pawn in her obsessive game in the unsanctioned investigation of La Grenouille. This wasn’t an NCIS case; there had been no need to involve Tony at all, although he could see how easily Tony would have been drawn in.
The fact that it had all started when he’d ‘retired’ to Mexico only served to increase Gibbs’ guilt. When he’d quit he’d remembered enough about Tony to know that his second in command was quite capable of leading the team, what he had forgotten about was the personal relationship he’d had with Tony as well as Tony’s abandonment issues. He could clearly see now that he’d left Tony distraught and confused, in charge of a team of shocked agents and reporting to a Director who would have been equally stunned at his quitting. He’d pulled the rug out from under all their feet, leaving the team in disarray.
Always needing approval, Tony would have agreed to Jenny’s proposition not just to prove that he was worthy of Gibbs’ trust but to distract himself from what he had lost. Tony would never have imagined he would come to love Jeanne, Gibbs knew that, he knew Tony’s issues almost as well as DiNozzo did. Tony rarely let anyone close, and having been abandoned by Gibbs both professionally and personally, he would have immersed himself in the undercover operation simply as a coping mechanism, then when Gibbs still hadn’t remembered their personal relationship on his return it would have cemented the relationship with Jeanne. It explained why his second had been so distant with him since his reinstatement, Tony knew he was transparent to Gibbs, he’d always found it almost impossible to lie or mislead the other man. He would have hated hiding this assignment from Gibbs, regardless of the state of their personal relationship.
Pulling out of the Navy Yard with a squeal of tires, he headed for Georgetown and Jeanne’s apartment. He needed to find his second in command and fast, before Tony ran.
Gibbs found the apartment easily enough, not caring whose parking bay he left his car in. He entered the building, surprised at the lack of security, allowing anyone to walk through the front doors. Quickly finding the right apartment, he knocked on the door.
There was no answer and Gibbs wondered if he was too late. He tapped again, this time calling softly though the door.
“Tony, if you’re there, let me in.” This time he heard movement from behind the door and he released a breath that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. At least Tony wasn’t going to try and shut him out completely, Tony had been known to run and hide in the past when things overwhelmed him.
Tony opened the door, allowing Gibbs to step into the apartment and close the door behind him. He stood before Gibbs, tears as yet unshed shimmering in his eyes. Without saying anything, he turned away and walked to the window, suddenly needing the distance, not ready to deal with the sympathy and concern he could clearly see in Gibbs’ eyes.
“Hey, how are you doing?” Gibbs voice was gentle as he asked the question.
Tony shook his head, unable to get any words out through the ache in his throat. He wouldn’t allow himself to cry, he’d lied to Gibbs and deceived his boss over the past few months. Ever since Gibbs’ return from Mexico Tony had led a double life, hiding things from those he was closest to. It wasn’t right that his former lover was here to support him now, he didn’t deserve it, however badly he wanted it.
Gaining some semblance of control he took a deep breath before turning to Gibbs. “You know I’m really not sure at the moment,” he replied, his voice not quite steady. “She left me a note, asking me to choose between her and NCIS. I just don’t know what’s real anymore, Boss.”
“Yeah I know, but you weren’t the person she thought you were. Would you be willing to give up everything in your life, your friends and the job you love, and if she does love you like you think she does would she really force you to choose?” Gibbs voice was soft, patient and reassuring, the kind of tone he used with victims and children and it suddenly occurred to Tony that just maybe he was a victim in all of this too.
He looked around the familiar apartment and then back at Gibbs, at a loss.
“You ready to get out of here?” Gibbs asked bluntly. He knew it wasn’t going to do Tony any good hanging around the apartment, not now.
“Yeah.” He looked around scrubbing a hand through his hair. “Damn it, Boss, I feel so confused, I’m not sure I know who I am right now, or how I should feel.” He looked straight at Gibbs, emotions passing over his features so quickly that the older man had a hard time interpreting them.
“What do you want to do now?” Gibbs asked patiently.
“To be honest, right now I just want to get in my car and drive, it’s always been a good way for me to think, put things in perspective but it’s the one thing I can’t do at the moment.” He stopped to take a deep breath. “You know the irony of all of this though, Boss?” Tony looked straight at Gibbs. “La Grenouille could have killed me today, I still have no idea where he was taking me; instead, he saved my life. If he’d allowed me to take my car, it would have been me, would have been my body down in autopsy.” He chuckled but there was no humor to the sound.
Gibbs just nodded; he’d realized the same thing himself while Tony was recounting the events of the morning back in Jenny’s office. He owed The Frog that at least.
“Take my car, but you stop driving if you get too tired, if you need, I’ll come and drive you back. Call me if you’re not going to be back by midnight and let me know where you are. When you do get back you check in with me in person, even if you want to go back to your apartment afterwards. I thought I lost you once today already, DiNozzo, so don’t scare me again. Got it?” Gibbs’ face was full of concern and Tony could clearly see the sincerity shining in his eyes.
“Fair enough. One problem though - no cell…” He didn’t have time to finish the sentence as the small phone was placed in his hands, Gibbs’ fingers wrapping comfortingly around his the same way they had when he had the plague.
“This one is brand new so you have a different number, which at the moment only I know.”
“So no calls for Spanky then?” Tony managed a watery grin before turning serious again. “Thanks, Boss, thanks for being here.”
Two hours later, Tony stared out over the dark waters of the Potomac River, his mind in a whirl. He’d driven down through Maryland, not particularly thinking about anything at first, just allowing his mind to wander. Eventually he had pulled over just before crossing the bridge which would take him over the river and into Virginia. Memories of Jeanne flitted through his mind in no particular order, remembering the times they had spent together. He had loved her, in his own way and she thought she had loved him and wanted a future with him, but had he really been in love with her? He’d been pulled in by the thought of the permanence and security, yet at the same time it had scared the hell out of him. But was Gibbs right, if she really loved him, would she really make him choose between his work and friends and her? Like it often had over the past few months his mind drifted back to Gibbs.
Despite his relationship with Jeanne, he knew he still loved Gibbs, he’d never stopped loving or missing him. When they’d first met, Gibbs had been there for him after the death of his Baltimore partner who had been the fifth victim of a serial killer Gibbs was hunting. They’d spent a week investigating the case, at the end of which Gibbs had offered him a job at NCIS. Gibbs had spent time and energy on him, training him and supporting him on the occasions where cases cut a little close to home and brought his issues to the fore. Instead of allowing Tony to suppress them, Gibbs had encouraged him to deal with his past. For the first time in his life, Tony had found someone who really cared about him as a person. Tony’s feelings for his superior had developed slowly but it had taken Kate’s death to bring them together. Tony’s still questionable health after the Y-Pestis and his exhaustion after the flights to and from Indiana for Kate’s funeral had made Gibbs take him back to his place, the emotion of the long day coupled with the shared grief and horror of what they had witnessed on the rooftop had led to the familiar nightmares and it hadn’t taken much persuading from Gibbs for Tony to stay longer with him. From there the relationship had developed and Tony had spent almost every night with his lover until the fateful day when Gibbs was caught in the explosion, resulting in his loss of memory and his ‘retirement’ to Mexico. By the time he returned, Tony was already deep undercover and involved with Jeanne. Gibbs had never mentioned that he’d ever remembered what he and Tony had shared so Tony had silently grieved the loss of the most precious relationship he’d ever had and had thrown everything into the ever deepening charade with Jeanne.
Tony crossed his arms over the steering wheel and rested his head on them, the long buried fear and grief of almost losing Gibbs in the explosion rising unexpectedly to the surface. Gibbs had survived but Tony had still lost him and the pain of that loss was as sharp now as it had been back then. As Tony’s emotions swirled, tears threatened again but he resolutely fought them back. He was exhausted in mind and body and realized that he was in no state to think clearly. Not quite certain what he wanted, but knowing exactly where he wanted to be, he started up the engine and pulling onto the bridge, crossed into Virginia, heading for Alexandria, Gibbs’ house and the one place he had always felt safe.
It was almost midnight when Gibbs heard the car pull into the drive. A few moments later the door opened and then closed gently and there was silence for a minute when Gibbs knew that shoes would be kicked off and jacket removed before his visitor turned left to join him down in the basement.
He carried on sanding as quiet footsteps padded across the living room floor and down the basement stairs, only turning when he heard the quiet sigh as his Senior Field Agent sat in his usual spot where the stairs turned the corner near the bottom. Tony looked tired and pale but composed and Gibbs threw the sandpaper on the workbench and tipped bourbon into his mug and an empty jelly jar before walking over to the stairs and lowering himself to sit down beside him.
“How’re you doing?” Gibbs repeated his question from earlier, handing Tony the makeshift glass.
“Honestly? I’m still not so sure, Boss,” Tony replied with a wry grin. “I drove down though Maryland and across into Virginia and here by the back roads, they’re pretty quiet at this time of night, the river’s pretty by moonlight.” He stopped, realizing he was babbling and stared into his drink before taking a mouthful. “You know, this went on for so long it’s kind of hard to think of it as being over.”
“It’s a long time to be undercover, you’re going to need time to adjust, come to terms with it all, remember how to be just you again,” Gibbs reassured him with his usual honesty.
“Yeah, just… damn it Gibbs, I did grow to love her, it wasn’t supposed to end like this, this wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“How was it supposed to end then? You think she would have understood and accepted that you’d lied to her about who you were? Or did you think you could carry on indefinitely being two people, living a lie?” Gibbs questioned gently.
“No, I just… oh, I don’t know.” Tony took another long swallow, emptying the glass and banging it on the stair as he stood. He paced across the room, staring up at the ceiling for a moment before continuing quietly. “You know I didn’t sleep with her for months, our relationship was almost platonic and she was the one who made the first move. You know I’ve never been out with a woman for so long without getting laid, it just seemed wrong… like I was using her, but Jenny was the one who encouraged me to take it further. I wish I could have talked to you about it; I know you’d have put me straight. I wanted to tell you, Boss, I didn’t want to keep secrets from you…”
“Hey, I know. That’s enough,” Gibbs interrupted softly when he saw Tony getting upset again. “It’s over, Tony, it’s not a secret any more, it’s in the past. I’m sorry that I wasn’t around when you needed me but I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.”
It was the surprise of the rarely heard apology coupled with the quiet reassurance that broke through his barriers and Tony felt the tears burning his eyes again as he turned away, trying to hide his rising emotions.
“Tony?” Gibbs voice was close now, Tony hadn’t realized Gibbs had moved but he felt gentle hands on his shoulders turning him so they were face to face. Unable to hold everything back any longer, the emotions from the day crashed over him like a tidal wave. Had Gibbs not been there to catch him, he’d have fallen to his knees, exhaustion from long months living a double life coupled with way too much emotion for one day taking their toll. The strong hands that gripped him tightly controlled their descent to the floor where he was pulled into a familiar embrace. He buried his face in Gibbs’ shoulder, his arms snaking around Gibbs’ waist to fist tightly in the soft material of the sweatshirt Gibbs was wearing. Gibbs held him securely in return, stroking his hair, rocking him gently and soothing him as he had done countless times before.
For a long time Tony was incapable of coherent thought as the emotional storm raged. He clung to Gibbs, terrified by the intensity of his emotions as time ceased to have any meaning for him. Reassured by the familiar smells of bourbon, coffee and sawdust, he allowed his mind to draft and gave himself over to Gibbs completely, trusting Gibbs to anchor him to a reality he wasn’t really sure he was ready to return to.
Awareness returned slowly and Tony felt confused and uncertain until the familiar smells registered in his overwrought mind. He knew he was being held and realized that the gentle hand threading slowly and comfortingly through his hair belonged to his former lover. His throat felt raw and his eyes sore and gritty and it took a moment before the events of the day slammed into him and he gasped as the memories literally stole his breath.
“Easy, Tony, you’re okay. You will be okay.” Gibbs’ words were gentle but certain and Tony knew that he was speaking from experience. Gibbs had lived through the deaths of his wife and child, and despite his own pain Tony knew that what he was going through just didn’t compare to Gibbs’ pain. Tony trusted Gibbs, if he said he would be okay then Tony knew that eventually he would be. His boss had always had his six.
He closed his eyes again, relaxing against the strong body supporting his and took a few deep breaths. He didn’t know how long they had been sitting on the basement floor, him resting against the older man, head on his shoulder and still clinging to his shirt. He forced his hands to open and attempted to sit up, part of him wanting to stay curled up in the safety and security of Gibbs’ arms but his bladder was pretty insistent that he hit the head sometime soon and he guessed that was what had brought him back to awareness.
“What’s the time?” he asked sleepily as Gibbs helped him sit up straight, still holding on to his shoulders.
“Almost 1:30am. Feeling any better?” Gibbs was being gentle but Tony wasn’t sure if he wanted gentle. He was afraid gentle would have him burrowing back sobbing into Gibbs’ embrace. “Come on, I want to get you to bed.”
“Now that’s an offer, but I think I’m way too tired,” he replied drowsily before realizing what he’d said, the comfort and familiarity of being held by his former lover coupled with his exhaustion making the internal censure of his words fail. “Sorry, Boss, I didn’t mean that I…” he broke off, embarrassed and Gibbs chuckled.
“Come on, I think you’re too tired to know what you’re saying. Up you get.” Gibbs suited his actions to the words, rising on stiff legs and pulling Tony up with him, keeping one arm around Tony’s waist as he led him up the stairs and to the guest bathroom.
As Tony used the facilities, Gibbs locked up the house, it wasn’t something he usually did but mindful of the events of the day, he decided to take precautions. He could hear Tony brushing his teeth, having found the spare toothbrush and toothpaste Gibbs had put out just in case, so Gibbs went into his bedroom to get ready for bed himself. As he came out of the en-suite bathroom, he found Tony sitting on his bed dressed in boxers and t-shirt and looking anxious.
“Gibbs, I don’t want to be alone, can I share with you?”
Gibbs nodded at him without even having to think about it. Even before they had been lovers they’d had to share beds on cases when they’d been away from home. They had both changed in the past year, the explosion, Mexico and Jeanne had all left their scars and Gibbs grinned to himself as Tony snuggled down beside him. Ducky had remarked on more than one occasion how alike they were. Losing their mothers at an early age, estranged from their fathers, both had emotional scars that they kept buried deep, and were loathe to share, and each covered it up with a mask, Gibbs with his quiet bastard persona and Tony with his shallow carefree fratboy image, they really were well suited to each other.
Gibbs turned out the light before settling down. “Sleep, Tony, I’ll be here if you need me. It’s going to take time, you loved Jeanne. You need to take the time to grieve for what you may have lost, but whatever decision you make, I’ll still be here for you,” he counseled softly, running his hands tenderly through the Tony’s hair.
“Not the only person, Boss, I still love you too,” Tony mumbled quietly in return. He rolled over and dropped his head on Gibbs’ shoulder, fingers gripping Gibbs’ t-shirt as he slipped quickly into slumber.
It was a long time before Gibbs fell asleep. He lay there thinking over Tony’s comments and actions and wondering if the other man had been serious in what he’s said. Gibbs knew that his relationship with Tony had changed over the years. When they’d first met, he’d been more of a teacher and mentor for the younger man as Tony had opened up and worked through some of his issues, trusting Gibbs enough to tell him about his childhood and his past the way he’d never trusted anyone else before, but their relationship had evolved since then.
In the first two years that Tony had been at NCIS, it had mostly been just the two of them, borrowing agents from other teams or case agents from local NCIS offices in between short-lived supposedly permanent agents who had quickly moved on, unable to please Gibbs. The dynamic had started changing once Kate and then Tim became permanent fixtures as Tony’s experience and seniority increased his confidence. That confidence had been shaken by Kate’s death but Tony had rallied, and with the addition of Ziva who he saw as a worthy opponent, he’d become ready, in Gibbs’ view, for his own team. It was Tony who didn’t believe it, something which Gibbs had pointed out to enough people on his return from Mexico. He’d known that Jenny had offered Tony the team lead in Rota and although he believed the younger man was ready, he knew that Tony didn’t want that responsibility yet and he was proud of him for not rushing into things as Jenny had done.
But as for Tony’s behavior tonight, was he still interested in a relationship with Gibbs despite everything that had happened? Gibbs knew he still loved Tony, he’d seen the young agent as his family for many years now. Tony had been the only man he’d ever fallen for, although he had experimented as a young Marine before he was married, as a lot of them had, posted overseas away from wives and girlfriends. But right now Tony had a choice to make and even if he did want to rekindle the relationship Gibbs didn’t want them to rush into anything, Tony needed time to be sure of his decision and to heal and Gibbs didn’t want to take advantage of his current vulnerability.
Gibbs groaned silently as his mind went around in circles. It was gone 2:00am and time to get some sleep, he could figure things out in the morning.
Gibbs woke at his usual time despite only having around three hours sleep to find Tony still plastered against him, using Gibbs’ shoulder as a pillow, Gibbs’ t-shirt still clutched firmly in his grasp. Determined to get out of bed without waking his bed fellow, Gibbs carefully slid Tony’s head to the warm spot on his pillow and took the easy way out by simply stripping his t-shirt off and leaving it in Tony’s hand. He couldn’t help but grin when the shirt was pulled up to Tony’s face where he could snuggle into it again.
Knowing from past experience that Tony could sleep through the shower running, Gibbs headed for the bathroom and was showered and dressed by the time the coffee machine in his kitchen bubbled the last of the strong brew into the pot.
An hour later and Gibbs was in his basement working on the boat; he needed both the peace and the activity to think clearly, it was a habit that went way back. He’d been taught to work with wood as a child by his father and it was one of only two things that father and son actually did together, the other being fishing. Both activities could be done alone or together, although it didn’t always mean that there was much conversation. Although Gibbs Senior could almost outdo Ducky, Gibbs Junior had never been one for unnecessary chatter and father and son had often spent long hours together both happy with the silent companionship which led to the opportunity to talk only if they wanted to.
With Tony it was different but the same. He always gave the impression of being a chatterbox but Gibbs knew differently. When Tony was relaxed and comfortable with his surroundings he was quite able to sit quietly, playing Tetris or working on crosswords, reading or simply watching Gibbs working on the boat. He’d even helped out a few times and they’d spent many a happy hour in the basement together with only the occasional conversation between them.
In bed he was the opposite - a happy Tony was noisy and talkative in bed but Gibbs was used to that. Shannon had been a talker and a screamer and she’d really had to tone it down after Kelly was born, Gibbs chuckled as he remembered Kelly coming running to their bedroom one night when she thought her mommy was hurt. Tony and Shannon had many qualities in common which he was only now coming to recognize. Content with his sanding, Gibbs allowed his mind to wander off to happier times.
Tony woke slowly, drifting to consciousness with a feeling of peace and security that had been missing from his life for a long time. Reality quickly kicked in but, unlike the last time he’d woken up, the memories of the previous day failed to have the same impact and he realized that he was content. He rolled over onto his back with his hands behind his head and frowned, the inherent investigator in him analyzing his feelings and the reasons behind them, muttering out loud to himself without even realizing he was doing it.
‘Okay, so I’m happy that the undercover operation is over, everyone knows and I don’t have to hide anything from anyone any longer, especially not Gibbs so I’m definitely relieved about that. Gibbs backed me up yesterday when Jenny wanted my blood; he still supports me despite my lying to him and he still cares, he may even be interested in rekindling our relationship. Okay, those are good things, how about the bad? The main one is that I hurt Jeanne; I led her to believe that what we had was real, that I was real, but she’s making me choose, my life or her. Could I really give up Gibbs and NCIS? On top of that I’ve pissed off the Director, do I care?’
He climbed slowly out of bed and made his way to the bathroom, mulling over the questions that had arisen during his introspection while he used the head and then climbed into the shower.
‘But was what I had with Jeanne real? Did we really care about each other as much as we believed we did? Gibbs was right. If she did love me she’d have given me the chance to explain and she wouldn’t have made me choose, so were we just so caught up in us that we didn’t see the bigger picture, okay so the sex was great and it felt good belonging to someone but was it really love or infatuation? Could I give up Gibbs and NCIS for Jeanne? No, I don’t think I could, even if Gibbs doesn’t want us to get back together, I love my job too much and I love the people I work with, okay, so maybe the Director isn’t my most favorite person in the world right now but I’m not going to have to work so closely with her from now on and Gibbs has my six, so I can live with that.’
He turned the shower off and climbed out, grabbing the towel that had been left out for him and drying himself roughly before remembering to throw it in the hamper, grinning as he remembered all the times he’d been yelled at for leaving damp towels lying on the floor.
He wandered naked back into the bedroom and hunted through the drawers for something to wear. At one point he would always have had clothes here but when Gibbs had fled to Mexico Tony had gone over the house carefully removing all evidence of his existence just in case. Finding sweats, t-shirt, and socks he dressed quickly before going in search of his host.
The feeling that he was being watched brought Gibbs back from his memories, but he didn’t turn or give any indication that he knew Tony was at the top of the basement stairs watching him. It was always a fine balance with Tony, a secure Tony would come straight down without any hesitation but an uncertain Tony would hover and watch before either coming down or occasionally leaving as if something had spooked him.
Gibbs sensed more than heard the younger man sneak up behind him. Arms wrapped slowly and hesitantly around Gibbs’ waist, his head on Gibbs’ shoulder and Gibbs could feel the warm puffs of breath on his neck. Turning his head slightly to look at his former lover gave Tony the opportunity lift his head to brush a quick kiss over his cheek.
“I meant what I said last night, Gibbs, I do love you and I still want you.” Tony hesitated for a moment, dropping his head back down to Gibbs’ shoulder so he didn’t have to look into his eyes. “When you came back from Mexico I waited to see if there was any sign that you remembered us and our relationship; it hurt when you didn’t and I thought then that what we had was over. I’d never let myself consider that before, all the time you were in Mexico I told myself that you could remember and come back to me at any time. But although you came back, you didn’t come back to me and that’s when I knew that I had to come to terms with it. It was only then that I really relaxed into the relationship with Jeanne. Until then it was just another undercover operation but I knew that I liked her and enjoyed her company. It was still over a month before I actually slept with her though. I had to be sure that things were really over between us.” He paused and took a deep breath, still hugging Gibbs tightly.
Not wanting to disrupt Tony’s train of thought, Gibbs reached up, stroking Tony’s hair to reassure him, it was something he knew Tony enjoyed and he felt him gradually relaxing against him as he continued his monologue.
“I realized though, that you were right. If she really loved me she wouldn’t have made me choose and I have thought about it and I know I couldn’t give up you or NCIS for her. I love you and I love my job. I think we just both got carried away with something that was comfortable and fun, and yeah, the sex was good, but it wouldn’t be enough, could never be enough. Although I grew to love her I don’t think I was ever in love with her. My choice is you, I want you and I always have, if you still want me.” Tony fell silent as he waited for a reply; his body relaxed against Gibbs’ back and Gibbs knew that he’d said all he wanted to say.
“I’m sorry, Tony. I’m sorry that I forgot about us and that it took me so long to remember. By the time I did, I knew you were with Jeanne and I was in a relationship with Hollis and I thought you’d moved on.” He reached around, pulling Tony round to face him and cupping his face tenderly. “But, there’s no reason why we can’t have a do-over, if you’re certain of what you want.” He looked straight into Tony’s eyes. “You need to take the time to grieve for what you had and for the future you thought you wanted. I’m not going to push you, or rush into anything with you, I need to know that you’re ready before we do anything more and then we’ll go back to the start, take it slow. However long it takes Tony, I’ll be here, it’s not often life gives second chances and I don’t want to screw this up by going too fast. I don’t want you to regret your decision.”
He brushed a tender, chaste kiss over Tony’s lips before pulling him close, relishing the way their bodies fit together as Tony snuggled in, arms once again wound round his body and head resting on his shoulder. He rocked them gently, swaying to music that only he could hear as he felt Tony relaxing further until he was the only thing holding the younger man up.
“You know if you carry on like this I’m going to fall asleep right where I’m standing.” Tony mumbled sleepily. “I’ve only been up half an hour and already I just want to curl up and sleep.”
“Maybe that’s just what you need. You’re exhausted, Tony. You’ve been living a double life for way too long. It takes a hell of a lot of concentration and energy just remembering who you are, especially when you have to switch on demand like you had to so take a few days off and just do what feels right.”
“Will you come back to bed with me?” Tony mumbled shyly.
“Tony!” The warning was clear in Gibbs’ voice.
“Not to do anything,” Tony was quick to reassure. “I just want to curl up with you, Jethro, to know you’re there, to feel safe,” he finished on a whisper, burrowing impossibly closer to Gibbs.
It was the use of his first name, rather than the more usual Gibbs or Boss that did it. Tony had used it automatically, without giving it any thought and for Gibbs, everything suddenly clicked into place. The strangeness of the past few months since his return from Mexico had made it feel like the earth was on a different axis yet suddenly, just hearing Tony use his name and being here in his arms after all this time, was like the planets coming into alignment and setting things right again.
The bomb blast, losing his memory and his time in Mexico had given him the chance to grieve for Shannon and Kelly properly for the first time, without the anger and need for vengeance he’d had when the tragedy first happened. It had made him realize that his marriages to Patricia, Diane and Stephanie had been a coping mechanism, a way to block out what happened to his wife and daughter instead of dealing with it, in much the same way that Tony had immersed himself in his relationship with Jeanne to cope with losing him. ‘You know Jethro, you and Anthony are very much alike.’ Gibbs laughed silently as he heard the familiar comment made so often by the elderly medical examiner once again echo in his head. ‘Yeah Duck, more than you’ll ever know,’ he replied to himself, as he led a very sleepy Tony back to bed.
Gibbs slipped his shoes off and settled on the bed, piling the pillows behind him and picking up his book, Tony undressed and crept in beside him under the covers, curling up close and resting his head on Gibbs’ chest where the sounds of Gibbs’ steady heartbeat would lull him to sleep, obviously content in knowing that whatever had happened leading up to this moment, Gibbs was still there and always would be.
“You know, I do have to go into work at some point this morning. I’ll stay for another hour but then I really will go. I still need to finish up the investigation but I can handle that with McGee and David. You take the rest of the week to get back into your own skin. Stay here or go back to your apartment, it’s up to you, but you’re welcome here.” As Gibbs finished talking he knew that Tony was already heading for sleep, the dark head nodding sleepily against his chest, one hand coming up again to fist in his t-shirt and Gibbs couldn’t keep the amused grin off his face.
As he picked up his book, his free hand automatically started carding rhythmically through Tony’s hair again and he smiled to himself as he felt Tony relax into sleep, finally back where he belonged.
The sex between them had always been fantastic and he didn’t mind admitting to himself that he missed it, but the closeness and intimacy of moments like this were precious and he cherished every one of them. For now it would be enough, it was what Tony needed to heal. For everything else, well, they had the rest of their lives but whatever hurdles were thrown in their path in the future they would face them together.
The End