4026 Days
It has been 4026 days since my last post on here. So many questions... Why did I stop writing? Why make a post now? What have I been doing in those 11 years and 9 days?
Why did I stop writing? To be honest I'm not sure why exactly other than it being a combination of factors. Firstly I have a tendency to withdraw from other people and activities I'd otherwise enjoy when stressed. Life was tricky around the time I last posted leading me to withdraw. Writing something on here was the last thing I felt like doing at the time. The longer between posts or contacting people on here in turn then makes it harder to start again. Maybe someday next week when I feel like it becomes maybe sometime in June I'll make a post which turns into "Holy shit. How many years has it been? Does anyone use this at all still?" The second factor was distance - both geographical and emotional. I was feeling further and further away from everyone and everything in my past. When you move away to a nowhere town the effort to maintain relationships falls on the person who left. I've lived here in Geraldton for 12 years and rarely get visits from even my own family. I think Susanne has been here once in that time and Phil twice but the expectation falls on me to make the effort. However, it's not just them. Worst of all was a few years back when my Uncle and Auntie from NSW came over and spent 3 days in town but made no effort to see me. A third reason for no updates has been a straight out lack of motivation to share with the world where I am at. If I'm going to write something I need to put time and effort into it. The final reason for a lack of posts on here has been forgetting my password for this site and the old hotmail email address. Not so long ago while looking through backups of old computers for another file I chanced upon a textfile containing passwords for long forgotten websites including this one. To my surprise the site still worked and my account hadn't been deleted. Either way I take the blame for the lack of posts and communication - I should have made more of an effort to not neglect people and this part of my life.
So why make a post now? The easiest answer is "Why not? What have I got to lose?" A more interesting thought is that I made a new year's resolution again this year. Originally it was to do 100 push ups every day. On the first of January I got through 41 before my shoulder gave up on me. With the pain there was no way I'd get close to this resolution. Plan B involved thinking about where I am at in life and what is missing. One area that is lacking is creativity. I've never been the artistic, musical or other creative type. In the past I've enjoyed writing. It has given me a chance to clear my head, put into words clearly what I am feeling and thinking then to let it go. It would be nice if anyone reads this and connects to it, however, if no one ever reads this that will be fine - the most important goal is for me to express myself. Why use livejournal again? That one still needs answering.
After 11 years comes the questions about what I've been doing and where I am at. It's frightening to look at my last post and see how much things and people have changed. My little niece is now almost 19 years old and an incredible young woman working her way through university. Years have certainly passed...
Professionally I'm still teaching at the same school as 11 years ago. Some things have changed and I have had the opportunity to be the acting head of my department for a while. I enjoy working with young people especially those between 16-18. At that age they have so much potential, understand so much but have so little life experience. Being in charge makes you look at things differently and be inspired by the amazing work that others around you do. There are days though where it still feels like you're battling apathy, rudeness and a lack of motivation.
Romantically I'm still with Tasha. We've been together for almost 15 years and married for 11 now. To be honest I never thought that we'd reach this point together. In 2016 I very, very nearly lost her. Tasha has always had heart problems with surgeries in her childhood, her needing to take medication every day and an annual visit to the cardiologist. However, there has never been any problems with her heart until 4 years ago. It started so innocuously. First a cough that wouldn't go away followed by her feeling tired, breathless and lethargic with her lips frequently turning blue. This then led to her gaining weight with difficulty sleeping lying down coming next. This dragged on for four months with her seeing three doctors not knowing what it was. First they said it was the flu, then bronchitis and the third finally saying she thought it was related to her heart. Tasha ended up in Royal Perth Hospital for nearly two weeks with them finally giving a diagnosis of moderate to severe heart failure. When you read up on the prognosis for people with her heart condition experiencing heart failure the long term outlook is not good with a median life expectancy around 5 years. To be honest heart failure is the most miserable disease I've ever seen. I've lost loved ones to cancer but even that horror is nothing compared to heart failure. Nowadays I always find it hard to teach basic statistics about the mean, mode and median without reminding my students that mathematics is important - sometimes even life and death. Fortunately she has responded well to the medications they've put her on. She went from taking 4 tablets a day up to 17 and lost 15 kilos in the first two weeks of taking them. What is terrifying is that heart failure will never go away and has become something we have to live (or die) with. My main coping strategy is denial but every time she starts to get a little sick I am snapped out of my complacency and put on edge.
As for my family they are all doing well. My parents have had the odd health scare themselves but that is to be expected when you are in your 70's. They sold their place in Duncraig years ago and moved up to Sinagra. The rest of my family all live in Perth's northern suburbs - one sister in Tuart Hill, one in Heathridge and my brother in Butler. As for Tasha and I we haven't been able to have any children but for a couple of years we were foster carers through DCP before Tasha got sick. That was an experience itself with many challenges but one of my proudest achievement. On the downside was dealing with the bureaucracy, the sad stories of families struggling with combinations of poverty, addiction, legal troubles and major mental health issues. Also random abuse from the public such as being called a "baby stealing white cunt" when caring for an aboriginal baby born two weeks premature with the mother in jail for repeated break and enters. The big plus was that for once I felt like I was doing something important - something that mattered. It was never gone to change the world but for those individuals it gave them an opportunity.
Health wise I've been doing well. I've stuck to regularly running and am now doing 10km runs three times a week to keep fit. Sure I do need to do more for my upper body and need to keep an eye on my low blood pressure but I am happy with where I am at physically. Mentally I still go through rough patches (and to be fair I'm still not sure how I got through 2016 other than I had to for others) with feelings of guilt, being overwhelmed, lost and as if I should be doing more with my life but in general I've learnt how to cope. I'm still trying to find my way but I know that I will survive whatever comes my way.
Before I go some other random thoughts. I went to Gilkinson's once in 2016. It was a Saturday and I'd been with Tasha in hospital until visiting hours ended at 10. I wasn't ready to go home so thought I'd see what had happened to Sin. Seriously WTF? I had never seen or heard of a "rinser" before and don't think I want to again. I've got a dog too (I was going to post a picture but I can't figure out how to do it other than using HTML in 2020!!!). Her name is Shelby. She is the best dog ever. Recently I was out with her when a car with P plates on it full of 17-18 year old girls past. One voice shouts out the window "You've got a cute dog Mr G!" followed by another voice from the backseat of "And a cute arse".
So what next? I'm not sure if I'll make another post on here. Livejournal is outdated these days. I definitely want to write more this year but am thinking about using some other blogging site... I'm not a huge fan of most social media since these days as they are more about images than thoughts in text. That plus I can't exactly be honest and open when my mother is friends with me on Facebook. If I think of something I'll probably post a link to it from here.
And that is it. Thanks to anyone who bothers to read this. Lets hope Livejournal doesn't fall over in shock with a new update.