(no subject)
I posted this in reply to Selinas entry, but will express my experience of education to my other friends too.
This period of time Im about to tell you about was to be one of the most saddening demise of my future.....
During my years at school, when I was 14/15 I screwed up big time. This was due to many, many problems. I was always bullied, especially when I was living with my Mum, attending a school in Bedford. I did have a small group of friends, but after a while, that faded. Everytime I was 'seen' by bullies in the school, they would harass me in such a terrible way, it made me frightened of every going back again....and yet, I went back...
Time and time again, as each day went by, each day grew longer....how much embaressment and grief will I experience today. But I kept persevering, I was top in all classes, despite my 'distractions' Thing were beginning to turn awkward at home because of these problems at school.
I was becoming more violent at home, more agressive, like a teenager with too much testosterone...and I know I was a teenager, but I didnt feel like one, I felt like a lonely, cold burden not worthy of having a life.
I wanted to achieve so much, but unfortunately that was never going to happen. The effects from being bullied and having trouble at home extended to the teachers behavior...They seemed to have taken prejudice upon me, I dont understand why this was, and I will never know.
This prejudism was to be the demise of my future in education. I was accused of hitting two members of staff in front of 25 other students. Of course I never hit any staff at all, one teacher was grabbing me around the waist to eject me from the class due to "Confering with a classmate" during a casual lesson.
I was never given the chance to appeal, I was expelled right away, never got to say goodbye to any of my distant friends, nor was I allowed to study and take part in my GCSE's. This was 2 days before the Christmas holidays, the term before that of my GCSE's.
That time was possibly one of the most dictational ones of my entire life.
Yet, even though I started college and was able to stand up for myself and control my own destiny...I still failed twice...
I am returning to college in September this year....wish me luck
Also I wish to write about other matters which are more in depth....
I havent typed an entry which contain deep thoughts and emotions for a long time, so I thought as Jo is asleep and I want to express this, I'll use my time now to do exacly that.
I want to start by talking about Jo.
Meeting Jo was the most amazing experience of my life so far, and I continue to have amazing experiences with her. I cannot thank her enough for being there for me in times of desperate need of someone, in times when I need a laugh to boost my low self esteem and confidence. Jo is like an island of heaven in a raging storm. She is there for me, always, a best friend, but only more....
I sometimes feel that I dont deserve to be with Jo. My life has not been of much worth, and it continues to feel that way for me, unfortunately. I am always thankful for what Jo has brought me, true friendship and happiness, that I will always treasure. Everything that happened after Louise and during summer of last year all feels like one big mistake, I couldnt believe how much of a mess I was in.
The thing is, when me and Jo first started talking....it was so unexpected. I wasnt in a time of need, I was just recovering from my depression. (Ok, I was struggling with college work, but if you read my earlier topic about education, you would understand why....) I know that I didnt hold onto Jo, hoping she would be mine because I needed her, or wanted her. I had many other friends who made me feel good about myself, came round or met up with me to cheer me up.
With Jo, there muct have been a great connection (I HATE Cliches) I feel bad saying that, but I know its true. We were talking on phone and msn, but we never met until our date in Portsmouth when I was down there. Every single conversation we had lifted my sprits, yet, still that wasnt enough to help me progress in college.
This has been my longest relationship I've ever had. Almost 6 months and still going strong, we've had a few problems, every relationship has them. What matters is how much you fight through that problem, and that, in turn, determines your love and respect for the other person. Every day with Jo is another day in which my love for her continues to grow, never have I experienced a standstill in our relationship.
Jo is my best friend...it makes sense. If you are to be with someone, in a relationship, then surely it must mean greater than just a general friendship with a little sex thrown in...That person will be there with you throughout every experience you have, and vice verse. Anytime I need a hug, or to tell me Im a good person, Jo is there for me by my side.
We think and say things at the same time, we would know what each other wants. All we have to do is look at each other and we can practically tell what the other is thinking, its special. A gift to be bonded with another with extreme closeness and sentiments, is a gift to be treasured...
Anyways, enough on that....Im worried that Im confusing you, or even myself. Just thought I would share my feelings.
My confidence has been poor lately too. I know I need a job, but at the same time I know how much of a struggle it is. Many people fail to realise how hard it is to get a job. Especially when one is 20, had no experience, no GCSE's, no money etc. Many employers are indeed prejudice about this, and I hate them for that.
I was walking back from town today with Jo, she had just brought some things from Spar...and while we were walking back to her halls...I couldnt help thinking that the plastic bag I was carrying in my hand had more purpose than I did, and still do...I feel no worth, I cant play anymore ITG until I get some money, I cant take my lovely girlfriend Jo for a nice meal, I cant randomly run away and meet my great friends, I cant even buy myself some god damn shopping! But hopefully the job centre will help me out....although my appointment is in TWO (god damn) WEEKS!
My confidence has been on such a downer, I dont want sympathy, but like Selina, I would like people to understand. Even people who have never been in my situation before, just to read and understand what its like. Everyone experiences all kinds of situations, but understanding one another is the key to making the least amount of mistakes and foolish decisions in life.
I dont really understand most of what Ive typed, I feel so confused and sentimental and....just...blah
This period of time Im about to tell you about was to be one of the most saddening demise of my future.....
During my years at school, when I was 14/15 I screwed up big time. This was due to many, many problems. I was always bullied, especially when I was living with my Mum, attending a school in Bedford. I did have a small group of friends, but after a while, that faded. Everytime I was 'seen' by bullies in the school, they would harass me in such a terrible way, it made me frightened of every going back again....and yet, I went back...
Time and time again, as each day went by, each day grew longer....how much embaressment and grief will I experience today. But I kept persevering, I was top in all classes, despite my 'distractions' Thing were beginning to turn awkward at home because of these problems at school.
I was becoming more violent at home, more agressive, like a teenager with too much testosterone...and I know I was a teenager, but I didnt feel like one, I felt like a lonely, cold burden not worthy of having a life.
I wanted to achieve so much, but unfortunately that was never going to happen. The effects from being bullied and having trouble at home extended to the teachers behavior...They seemed to have taken prejudice upon me, I dont understand why this was, and I will never know.
This prejudism was to be the demise of my future in education. I was accused of hitting two members of staff in front of 25 other students. Of course I never hit any staff at all, one teacher was grabbing me around the waist to eject me from the class due to "Confering with a classmate" during a casual lesson.
I was never given the chance to appeal, I was expelled right away, never got to say goodbye to any of my distant friends, nor was I allowed to study and take part in my GCSE's. This was 2 days before the Christmas holidays, the term before that of my GCSE's.
That time was possibly one of the most dictational ones of my entire life.
Yet, even though I started college and was able to stand up for myself and control my own destiny...I still failed twice...
I am returning to college in September this year....wish me luck
Also I wish to write about other matters which are more in depth....
I havent typed an entry which contain deep thoughts and emotions for a long time, so I thought as Jo is asleep and I want to express this, I'll use my time now to do exacly that.
I want to start by talking about Jo.
Meeting Jo was the most amazing experience of my life so far, and I continue to have amazing experiences with her. I cannot thank her enough for being there for me in times of desperate need of someone, in times when I need a laugh to boost my low self esteem and confidence. Jo is like an island of heaven in a raging storm. She is there for me, always, a best friend, but only more....
I sometimes feel that I dont deserve to be with Jo. My life has not been of much worth, and it continues to feel that way for me, unfortunately. I am always thankful for what Jo has brought me, true friendship and happiness, that I will always treasure. Everything that happened after Louise and during summer of last year all feels like one big mistake, I couldnt believe how much of a mess I was in.
The thing is, when me and Jo first started talking....it was so unexpected. I wasnt in a time of need, I was just recovering from my depression. (Ok, I was struggling with college work, but if you read my earlier topic about education, you would understand why....) I know that I didnt hold onto Jo, hoping she would be mine because I needed her, or wanted her. I had many other friends who made me feel good about myself, came round or met up with me to cheer me up.
With Jo, there muct have been a great connection (I HATE Cliches) I feel bad saying that, but I know its true. We were talking on phone and msn, but we never met until our date in Portsmouth when I was down there. Every single conversation we had lifted my sprits, yet, still that wasnt enough to help me progress in college.
This has been my longest relationship I've ever had. Almost 6 months and still going strong, we've had a few problems, every relationship has them. What matters is how much you fight through that problem, and that, in turn, determines your love and respect for the other person. Every day with Jo is another day in which my love for her continues to grow, never have I experienced a standstill in our relationship.
Jo is my best friend...it makes sense. If you are to be with someone, in a relationship, then surely it must mean greater than just a general friendship with a little sex thrown in...That person will be there with you throughout every experience you have, and vice verse. Anytime I need a hug, or to tell me Im a good person, Jo is there for me by my side.
We think and say things at the same time, we would know what each other wants. All we have to do is look at each other and we can practically tell what the other is thinking, its special. A gift to be bonded with another with extreme closeness and sentiments, is a gift to be treasured...
Anyways, enough on that....Im worried that Im confusing you, or even myself. Just thought I would share my feelings.
My confidence has been poor lately too. I know I need a job, but at the same time I know how much of a struggle it is. Many people fail to realise how hard it is to get a job. Especially when one is 20, had no experience, no GCSE's, no money etc. Many employers are indeed prejudice about this, and I hate them for that.
I was walking back from town today with Jo, she had just brought some things from Spar...and while we were walking back to her halls...I couldnt help thinking that the plastic bag I was carrying in my hand had more purpose than I did, and still do...I feel no worth, I cant play anymore ITG until I get some money, I cant take my lovely girlfriend Jo for a nice meal, I cant randomly run away and meet my great friends, I cant even buy myself some god damn shopping! But hopefully the job centre will help me out....although my appointment is in TWO (god damn) WEEKS!
My confidence has been on such a downer, I dont want sympathy, but like Selina, I would like people to understand. Even people who have never been in my situation before, just to read and understand what its like. Everyone experiences all kinds of situations, but understanding one another is the key to making the least amount of mistakes and foolish decisions in life.
I dont really understand most of what Ive typed, I feel so confused and sentimental and....just...blah