(no subject)
Title - Tracing Hearts on Frosted Windows
Author - stare_at_walls
Characters - Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki Implied Jared/Sandy McCoy
Rating - PG-13. I think.
Disclaimer - Well, I wish Jensen and Jared did go through something like this. Then again, I don't. And, they own themselves! And each other. :D
Summary - Someone realizes that OMG! they're in love with someone. Slash, yes.
Notes - 4900+ words! Someone congratulate me! LOL. Took me three to four days to finish. This? this is a VERY late christmas offering for you people. (Though it's not very christmas-y) Feedback please? I'll make you stuff! :D Unbeta'ed. As usual.
Warnings - Confused!Jensen, Confusing!Jared, irrationability, and crappy paragraphs. :D
“Yeah, but you’re my everything.”
Jensen whispered to the cold Vancouver wind instead. But Jared was already walking back to the set, his back against Jensen, several feet away.
It was fucking freezing, and breaths turned into visible vapor when exhaled.
You’re my everything.
oOo
It was 1:30 am, and Jensen couldn’t sleep. Goddamned weather. Vancouver climate, as of this moment, was bitchy as hell. The cold crept through everything, through floors, through doors, through the clothes. Hell, even the windows were appropriately frosted.
Jensen fumbled from his bed, carrying the blanket with him like some cape. “Nngh.” He involuntarily shuddered as his foot made contact with the hard floor. “Damn” he uttered, making his way from dark room to dark room. Finally he got to the kitchen. The glow-in-the-dark clock above the counter read: 1:40 am. Jensen didn’t bother to even open the lights anymore; simply opened the fridge, got a pitcher of water and poured himself a glass.
Bad move.
The cold water sent a very painful sensation down his throat as he swallowed, and Ow. Jensen rubbed his throat as he put his glass down. Holding the glass firmly in one hand, the other clutching the blanket around him, he walked to the window above the sink.
He could see moon, the air hanging with some kind of ethereal frost. Jensen leaned closer to the glass pane, his breath frosting the window just enough to make it blurry.
“Shit.”
Jensen tried to will certain memories away. With a feral growl, he tried to force his mind to think about some other thing instead of what happened. Or rather, what he did.
Jensen felt like running into wall would be far better than having to deal with tomorrow.
oOo
It was his fifth shot of tequila, and Jensen was feeling like his body was being unstrung. Literally. Like he couldn’t hold himself up any longer. “Hey, Jare?” Jensen asks Jared. “Yeah?” Jared replies while sucking on a lime. “Gimme a ride home. Can’t fucking see straight anymore.” Jared just looks at him like he’s speaking in Mandarin. Or like he’s crazy. Or both.
“Dude,” Jared replies, his voice a little rough due to the alcohol. “We got a driver, remember?” Jensen just looks puzzled, then smiles widely and says “Oh yeah.”
“Well, I wanna go home now. Got an early call tomorrow, right?” Jensen continues. Jared just stands up, surprisingly agile and alert for someone who just downed five tequila shots consecutively. “Here.” Jared offers his shoulder to Jensen, “Lean on me, you look like you aren’t gonna last a second on your feet.” Jensen just stands, makes an attempt to stand, really, then Jared’s catching him, all arms and legs, holding him up. Jensen just looks up at Jared, their faces less than a few centimeters away from each other.
It’s as if the world freezes, and everyone else has disappeared.
Jensen’s alcohol-addled brain surprisingly reminds him to breathe. Exhale, Inhale. Jensen can practically hear himself talk. Jared’s breath smells like tequila, lime, mint and something sugary. There’s no sound, save for their breathing, not really in cue, not really in a different rhythm either.
Jensen just loses himself at this point.
“Y’know what?” Jensen slurs, but his brain is awake. Jared’s just holding him, not saying anything, looking at him as if he was a bomb about to explode. “You mean a lot t’me Jare.” Jensen chuckles a little drunken chuckle as he says that. “So do you Jen.” Jared deadpans, purposely looking above his head while pulling him to the parking lot.
“No, really man.” Jensen insists. Shut up. Jensen’s brain is telling him to shut the hell up, but his mouth just talks. And talks. And talks. “Oh yeah?” Jared humors him, chuckling at the way Jensen looks like. “Yeah man,” Jensen rambles on, “Did’ja ever know that I fucking love you?” Jared freezes. Jensen doesn’t really notice, because after a millisecond, Jared regains his wits, muttering to himself as he’s dragging Jensen to the waiting car “He’s drunk, he’s drunk...”
Jensen hears this though, and his mouth, against his will says, “I mean every single motherfuckin’ word Padalecki.” Jen’s voice is all tattered at this point, a little frayed around the edges, his Texas accent spilling out a little.
Jared looks down at him and smiles a forced smile. “Almost at the car Jen.” He says instead. “Fuck you man.” Jensen half-yells. And as if to prove his point, Jensen’s body move forward and his lips close on Jared’s, his tongue licking Jared’s lower lip. He can taste the rock salt, can feel the Vancouver cold on his lips, his tongue chasing away that cold.
Jared just laughs nervously, and shoves him in the backseat and gets in as well, telling the driver to take them home.
oOo
The next day is as awkward as hell. Jensen tries to pretend that nothing happened, and actually succeeds. Jared’s acting all normal as well, flirting with the make-up girls and laughing at all the jokes and telling his own corny ones.
They shoot scenes together and it looks like nothing’s wrong on the outside, like everything’s fine. Kripke even gave them a “Well done” for today.
Jensen has never felt this strange in…ever.
So, it looks like nothing happened last night. Jensen guesses everything just got chalked up to drunken babble. Thank god. But then as they’re walking back to their trailers, Jared doesn’t say the random nonsense like he used to. He’s quiet, lips forming a thin line, eyes looking determinedly ahead. Jensen pretends like this isn’t anything. Like this is the usual, and that nothing’s changed.
Fuck.
Jensen can’t take the silence anymore, and for once he starts the conversation. “So…where’re you going for Christmas Jare?” Jensen asks in a voice that he hoped sounded good-natured and nothing more. Jared looks surprised, and a little awkward. “Yeah,” He drawls, “’M going to my family this Christmas, back to Texas.” Jensen doesn’t look at Jared when he talks, just looks around and says “Mm.” The air is a little too cold for comfort, and Jensen holds back a shiver. “How ‘bout you Jen?” Jared sounds croaky, almost like he’s simply saying stuff to keep the conversation going.
Jensen doesn’t answer at first. Just stops walking and looks at his Dean biker boots. “Not going anywhere. No idea yet. Hahaha…” Jensen tries to keep the emotion away from his voice, tries not to sound bitter, or depressed, or anything because he’s not. Then there’s a pregnant pause, the chilly wind filling in the gap. “Right.” Jared says, looking at anything that’s not Jensen. “Oh.” Jensen just speaks without thinking anymore, couldn’t help asking. “I thought you were going to spend the Christmas with Sandy.” Jared doesn’t look at Jensen at all. “Yeah, I am.”
“I am.”
It sounds resolute in Jensen’s ears, like it was some sort of Latin incantation designed to drive him away. Jared just walks away, going towards his trailer, a hand waving up to say goodbye and then there was just him and the cold.
The trailer feels cold as well, the thermostat not even turned on. Jensen just takes his stuff to take home and stuffs them in a bag. Going to the car that was waiting to take him back to his apartment. “Can we go now?” Jensen asks the chauffeur as he clambers into the backseat. “I think Mr. Padalecki is riding along.” The driver says it more like a statement than a query. “Oh yeah?” Jensen answers, his fingers twiddling on his cell phone. “Wait up!” Jensen can hear Jared shouting from the outside, then he’s entering the car, several huge plastic bags in tow.
“What the fuck man?” Jensen’s asking Jared with a laugh, and it’s almost like everything’s back to normal. “Just gifts” Jared says, taking off his mitts and settling in. “Ow, you’re cramping me JT.” Jensen whines, because seriously, something feels like it’s cutting his leg off. “Oh, sorry.” Jared moves the bag away. “Can we go now?” Jensen asks the driver again, cocking an eyebrow up. “Yes sir.” The driver says, pressing on the gas.
The drive back to their apartments is silent, punctuated by the occasional gear-gnashing. Jared doesn’t look at Jensen; he simply plays with the handle on one of his plastic bags, looking outside the window.
Then a cell phone’s ringing.
“Hello?” Jared answers his phone “Hey Sandy.” Jared says, his face all smiles and he’s tilting his head so that Jensen can’t see his face. “Yeah.” Jared replies to something Sandy says, and Jensen’s trying to say to himself that “I don’t want to look, and I’m not listening.” But he utterly fails at this, and he finds his ears straining to capture every laugh, every inflection in Jared’s voice. His eyes automatically drift to Jared’s eyes, trying to decipher the twinkle there, the joy, the crinkles on the sides of his eyes.
Somewhere deep inside, Jensen will never admit it.
“Mm hm. Yeah. I love you too.” Jared says as he flips his phone shut.
Admit that right there, in the middle of his chest, he feels like someone’s twisting a knife. Savagely.
I love you too.
The words keep ringing in Jensen’s head on the rest of the trip back to their apartments.
It’s still cold, and they’re around 30 minutes from their apartments. Jensen tries to keep his head level, tries to not look at Jared and concentrate on his own phone, on the script he’s taken out of his bag, on anything at all. But he can’t.
I love you.
He feels something stinging the backs of his eyes, and he’s starting to shiver a little from the cold. “”Hey,” he addresses the driver “Mind turnin’ the temperature a little higher there?” slurring his sentence. The driver just looks at him and says “The heater’s broken.” And Jared’s saying “No wonder it’s been cold.” while blowing his hands to keep them warm.
Jensen finds himself watching Jared. The way his lips form an “o” and how his breath comes out as a little cloud of fog. He observes how Jared’s all happy now, and how the vaporized cloud of breath distracts him and how Jared looks at the window that’s a little frosted.
Jared blows on the window, frosting it a little more.
Jensen can almost feel Jared’s giddiness as he lifts a finger to draw on the fogged window. Then Jensen’s finding himself just staring.
He’s tracing a heart shape on a window, and he’s smiling to himself as he finishes that “V” shape in the middle of the heart. Then the car’s stopping, and Jensen hears an exasperated “We’re here.” He feels like his bones are all stiff as he barely manages to climb out of the door. He’s walking automatically, and he knows it. Jensen just grabs his bag, and walks briskly to his apartment, not giving a fuck if Jared’s needing help to carry his stuff or shit.
Jensen tries hard not to open his mouth as he’s walking across the snow to the entrance to the apartments, he’s afraid that he might let a little anguished noise out, or probably something worse.
“Jen!” Jared calls out.
Jensen doesn’t want to stop and hear whatever the hell it is anymore; he just runs off, opens the door and gets in the elevator. “Fuck.” He whispers to himself as he stands there alone with his thoughts inside the elevator. “Fuck.” He says again for good measure.
There’s a little “ding” signaling that he’s already at his floor. Jensen hurries, trying to make sure not to see Jared because why did they have to get apartments on the same floor again?
Jensen shuts the door behind him firmly, throwing his bag on the couch and going straight to the fridge for beer. Jensen comes face to face with himself on the mirror hanging beside the fridge. “Fuck you.” He tells himself, finishing half the beer in one gulp.
“I fucking love you.”
The words from last night are on permanent replay in his head. He doesn’t want to deal with this anymore. What the fuck was he thinking? Why would he say something like that? He’s supposed to be straight wasn’t he?
His thoughts are interrupted by his answering machine.
He lets the machine screen the call, hoping that it’s not-
“Hey, Jen. It’s Jared. Uh, I, uh was thinking if you’d like to, um, just grab a bite with me. After all, tomorrow’s our last day. Thought that maybe you’d like to hang before I go back to Texas. Gimme a call, ‘kay?”
Jensen wants to throw something, want to scream until he can’t speak anymore.
Why the fuck did he have to be stupid anyway?
Jensen picks up the phone to call a take-out joint nearby. Fuck Padalecki and his girlfriend. He was staying in and sleeping his misery off until it was time to go back to work. What the hell.
It’s been an hour or so, and Jensen hasn’t really been paying attention to whatever he’s been watching, some talk show and then a game and stuff. He’s been flipping channels idly, not really watching. Just distracting himself, but it’s not really working because all he can think about is how Jared laughs, and how he says “I love you” to his girlfriend and how, maybe, somewhere deep down, he wants to be the one Jared says “I love you” in that way. Honey-sweet like when he says it to her.
With a baseball game on the television (volume turned to almost full-blast), some Chinese take-out, several empty bottles of beer with a half-empty one in his hand, and his misery, Jensen was determined to get this out of his system because. Because tomorrow was their last day of shooting and then it would be hiatus all over again. Jensen didn’t even want to think about that, and most especially how things would turn out after all this shit.
No way was he going to think about it.
Jensen just lets sleep crawl all over him, lets it wash over him like waves on the seashore, but-
There’s a loud crash, and some very loud banging on his door.
This did not look good.
“Jen!” Jared’s shouting and pounding on his door like he’s going to break it down. Jensen doesn’t answer, just groans and turns off the television, turns out the lights, gets a throw pillow and covers his face with it as he tries not to choke on that something building up in his chest.
“Jensen! Open the fuck up! I know you’re in there. Goddamn Jen, we gotta talk man.” Jared’s shifting between shouting and whispering almost desperately.
Then there’s a dull thud. Jensen’s not sure if Jared’s gone or if he’s leaning on his apartment door right now. “Jesus.” What was happening now? Jensen’s not really sure what to do, and he stands up, takes a beer and sits on his veranda floor. Goddamnit. He lets a sigh out and looks at the cold moon, hidden a little by dark clouds. He hears a closing door in the hallway, and Jared’s veranda window shows that he’s turned on his light. Jensen’s pretty sure he hears a radio being turned on in Jared’s apartment, but he doesn’t want to care anymore. He drifts off to buzz-filled sleep, as he hears some quiet guitar music float through the midnight.
oOo
1 am.
Jensen semi-wakes up on his veranda, feeling someone’s breath ghosting over his cheek. Breathing in a ragged sequence. He tries to ignore this, trying to convince himself that it’s just his imagination because he wants to sleep. But then that someone brushes a finger across his cheek, and he can feel fingers cupping his chin. He feels warmth on his lips. He forces his eyes to open, to focus fast enough, and he sees… Jared? He’s not really sure, everything’s blurry, so he forces himself to say something, but it comes out as a grunt. The person stands up and then crosses his veranda to Jared’s, and enters his door. The alcohol gets to his nerves before he can even do anything else, and then he’s sleeping again.
oOo
5 am.
Jensen’s woken up by someone calling his name. “Jen. Wake up Jen. Jensen!”
Jared’s leaning on his veranda fence, trying to wake Jensen up. He wakes up seeing Jared calling him, his face all smiles. It was fucking five am. No one should be cheerful at that time. But Jensen’s grunting, getting up and entering his apartment. “Jensen, hurry up. Call time’s in 30 minutes.” Jared yells. Jensen dresses up, grabs a t-shirt, a jacket and his bag from yesterday.
“Wait.” Jensen talks to himself.
Jensen stops himself before he goes out his door. “I’m pretty sure I forgot something.”
He goes to his veranda door and shuts it firmly, making sure to lock it up. “Jensen! Hurry up. Kripke’s going to skin us alive if we’re late today.”
Oh, yeah. Today was the last day. After this, it was hiatus. How fun.
Jensen tries not to roll his eyes as he shuts the door firmly behind him, running to the elevator before it closes.
When he gets to the parking lot, the driver’s there, waiting. And Jared’s waiting outside as well, two Styrofoam cups of coffee in his hand. “Here.” Jared shoves a cup in Jensen’s hand. “Black, the way you like it.” Jensen mumbles his thank you, and enters the car. During the drive, Jared tells Jensen something. “You wanna hang out tonight. At least a few hours before I go. My plane leaves at 5 am.” Jensen doesn’t want to react. He doesn’t know what to say, so he just sips his coffee and looks out the window.
oOo
11 pm.
“Cut!” The director yells.
A few minutes later, Kripke announces that it’s a wrap, and that everyone have a happy holiday. There’s supposed to be a party, but Jensen decides to go home instead. He goes to his trailer directly, and as he opens the door, Jared’s running towards him, calling him. “Jensen!” Jared’s panting, and Jensen’s just looking at him.
“Hey.” Jared says. “Hey.” Jensen smiles weakly, and he feels like his knees are going to buckle. “Let’s talk.” Jared says. Jensen opens his mouth to reason, to stall this at least, but it seems that Jared just read his mind.
“I’m not taking no for an answer.” Jared smiles a little as he says this, and Jensen doesn’t know what exactly is happening.
oOo
Jensen can’t stand still, and he’s fumbling with the end of his jacket.
“Remember what you said last time?” Jared asks, hands in jean pockets. “Yeah.” Jensen tries not to look at Jared in front of him. “Yeah, so… that-” Jared sounds like he’s trying to get his words together. “Did I mean it?” Jensen finishes the sentence for Jared.
“Yeah.” Jared exhales a long sigh. “Yeah man. What was that all about?” Jensen scoured his brain for a logical explanation. Why had he said that? Even he had no idea. Well, if I knew what that was all about, then I would be able to answer you. “Jen?” Jared waves a hand in front of his face. Jensen tries not to feel like he’s dissolving but that’s exactly what he wishes were happening right this moment. “I- uh, Jared. That wasn’t-. It was-” Jensen can’t finish his sentences, can’t find a reason, an answer. Jared just watches Jensen, and suddenly Jensen’s fumbling at his jacket again, putting his hands in his pockets, then taking them out again and rubbing his hands together.
Trapped.
Jared’s a little impatient at this point, and he asks Jensen again. “What was that all about man?” frustration lacing the edge of his tone. Jensen can’t answer, won’t answer. But Jensen wants to say it again. To let him know it was real. Even if he doesn’t know why he felt it or what it was all about.
“Jen-?”
Jensen’s leaning into Jared, kissing him. Doesn’t bite or drag his tongue across his lips. Doesn’t do any of that fancy stuff. He just kisses him, warm and tender- the exact opposite of the Vancouver wind.
Jared pulls off.
“The hell was that!?” Jensen can’t read the look in Jared’s eyes. Jared’s face is a mixture of puzzlement and some other emotion that Jensen can’t really pin down. But there’s a twist in his stomach when Jared inhales deeply, and a sob escapes his lips. Jensen realizes that Jared’s crying. And Jensen doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know whether he should reach out and wipe those tears away, or walk away. Because he’s not sure if Jared was fine with that, and by the way things were going, it looked like it wasn’t going to be good.
“I-“ Jensen tries to explain himself.
Jared punches the aluminum trailer wall.
“The hell was that all about Jen?” Jared asks, not looking at him, sniffling between words. For once in this conversation, Jensen comes up with a sentence. “I don’t know.”
Then someone from the cast calls out Jared’s name, and then it’s like Jensen gets pulled back to earth.
Jared wipes his tears on a sleeve, and sniffles loudly. He gives Jensen a look that makes his insides feel like butterflies magically hatched from the inside. In a bad way, that is.
Then Jared’s walking towards the set, hands waving hello to everyone.
Jensen realizes what it’s all about. For him at least.
“I love you.” Jensen whispers to Jared’s retreating back.
“I know you’ve got her, but I want you to know. Even if you’re never going to look at me ever again, you’re my everything.”
Jensen lets the tears flow this time, hearing voices in his head reasoning how he’d be better off without him.
“Yeah,” Jensen agrees, “But you’re my everything.” He says to Jared, the wind being the only one to hear him instead.
He gets in his trailer, calls the airport for a flight back to L.A. tomorrow on the earliest flight possible.
oOo
On the ride back to his apartment, Jensen looks at the window and sees a greasy remnant of the heart Jared traced yesterday. Goddamned driver was lazy to a fault. Couldn’t clean for his own life.
When Jensen’s eyes trace the edges of the heart, he’s choking a little, struggling to breathe. His mind flashes to Jared immediately, remembers every shift in tone, remembers the joy that was there when he was talking to her.
He realizes that he’s reaching out, tracing the heart’s outline and he feels stupid.
Since when had he become such a girl?
He’s still drowning in Jared when the driver yells at him, tells him that he’s home so please get out. Jensen doesn’t answer, just gets his stuff and walks to his apartment.
oOo
“Shit!” Jensen’s cursing as he’s kicking his apartment door. Apparently, he forgot his keys. On his last day in Vancouver. With a flight tomorrow morning.
And Jared was about to come back as well.
Good job Ackles. He talks to himself, in his head at least. He tries to think of a way to get in his apartment. Should I wait for Jared and ask him if I can go through his veranda? “No.” He says out loud.
No way was he talking to Jared again, at least not now. Not after what happened.
A few minutes later, the elevator signals that someone’s getting off on their floor.
“Oh yeah? Hmm. I’ll take the next flight. What time is that? 6 am? Fine, I’ll take that.”
Jared’s voice filters, a little canned through the elevator doors. As it opens Jensen doesn’t take his chances, instead he walks briskly to the staircase beside the elevator and walks down as Jared steps out the elevator. He hears Jared flip his phone shut, get his keys and open the door.
Jensen refuses to mope like an idiot and keep thinking about Jared.
But he still does anyway.
oOo
The counter gives him a spare key. Thank god. Service was slow though. It was fucking 1 am and he had a flight to L.A. at 5 am. He calls the airport, asks for a reschedule. Can he leave at 6 or 8 instead? The airport refuses to let him on the 8’o clock flight. Tells him it’s already fully booked, but he may ride the 6 am flight instead.
Jensen thanks the other person on the end of the line, closes his phone, and gets a beer. He was going to drown Jared away from his brain, even if he has to show up drunk at the airport tomorrow.
After several beer bottles later, at 3 am, Jensen was hysterical. Everything just flows out his tears, and he can’t stop crying. He has no idea why he’s this hung over on Jared, because he’s only met him several months ago.
He tries to control himself, his breathing. Wiping his eyes on the hem of his shirt he walks out to the veranda again. The moon’s still out, and it’s chilly. He doesn’t look to see if Jared’s awake, or if he’s even there.
Jensen just goes over to his window, blows on the glass pane to make it foggy, and draws something on it.
“I love you Jared, and I’m sorry. I’m stupid but I’m suddenly fucking dependent on you. I-” Jensen chokes on tears as he’s saying this, while he’s tracing a heart on the window pane. He couldn’t care less if he’s already shouting or whispering or if anyone hears him. He just wants to let it out. Needs to.
His breath is shaky as he writes “Jared” in the middle of the heart, and everything is vapor, cold, frigid and dark. Jensen gathers himself up, closes the veranda door as he enters the room- sobbing.
He falls asleep leaning on the door and lying on the floor, crying.
oOo
The next morning, Jensen’s back hurts. It’s 5:30 am, but the sun’s a little up already.
“Shit.”
He’s got a flight. At 6 am. Damn.
Jensen hurries around the small apartment, getting clothes and stuffing them in his luggage. He didn’t bring much, just clothes, shoes, some toiletries. He looks around to see if he’s forgotten anything, and triple-checks the place just to make sure.
His back really hurts. Ow. He tries not to fall down as he scrambles around the place.
Nope, he didn’t forget anything.
Around 5:40, he calls the driver telling him to get here now. He hurriedly throws away the beer bottles and the Chinese-take-out trash and the rubbish he can see. He doesn’t really clean it, because he’s got help coming to fix his place after he’s left it. He planned ahead, so that when he left, there would be no need for him to fix up. The helper would clean the place, give the key to the front desk, and that was it- until he came back though.
Jesus Christ.
Jensen checks his stuff again and his phone rings. For a moment, his heart seems to stop. He checks the phone. It’s just the driver. How stupid of him, Jared probably already left- he’s got an early flight remember?
Jensen pulls his stuff out and takes a last look at the place before he closes the door. Sighing, he closes the door as he notices the winter sunlight filtering in through the dusty windowpanes.
What he doesn’t notice though, is that beside the heart he’s drawn last night, there’s another heart traced beside it- a mix of frost and dust.
The heart beside the one he drew has “Jensen” written in the middle of it.
But it’s useless. Jensen doesn’t see it.
oOo
At the airport, he’s told that all flights from 5 am to 6 am have been delayed, and he’s going to get to leave at 7 if he’s lucky, but most likely at 8 am.
Jensen wills himself not to look for Jared, because he’s not going to be stupid. But at one point, he thinks he sees a giant person with a shaggy mop of brown hair sauntering with his luggage somewhere at the candy store there, but he doesn’t really take a closer look.
Jensen can’t take himself anymore. Him and his emo shit. He doesn’t want to hear Jared’s voice calling him as he’s queuing up to get on his plane. Doesn’t want to see Jared because he’s going to fall into tiny pieces and that’s not good.
So he doesn’t.
oOo
Back in L.A. Jensen calls everyone at home. It’s the 24th and he tells them he won’t be able to come home for Christmas. Everyone’s sad and questioning, but he tells them he’s tired from work and that he’s sorry and he fields the other questions. Questions like “why not rest here instead?” or “not even a day or two?”
Jensen doesn’t want to see anyone right now. Because he’s still emo and depressed and he’s trying to patch himself up because he’s stupid. He doesn’t call Chris up, doesn’t want to disturb him with this shit. Plus, Chris’s reaction to this would have “What the fuck?” written all over it, even if Chris pretends not to react to this.
So yeah, Jensen’s alone.
It’s the 24th in the evening. He flips the TV on, watches random shows and avoids everything that has anything vaguely Christmas and Jared featured on it.
Jensen spends a lonely Christmas eve, with nothing to celebrate with but beer bottles, the television and his shattered heart.
2nd Part: Dust, Frost and Promises (Tears Unwept) (Jared POV)
Author - stare_at_walls
Characters - Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki Implied Jared/Sandy McCoy
Rating - PG-13. I think.
Disclaimer - Well, I wish Jensen and Jared did go through something like this. Then again, I don't. And, they own themselves! And each other. :D
Summary - Someone realizes that OMG! they're in love with someone. Slash, yes.
Notes - 4900+ words! Someone congratulate me! LOL. Took me three to four days to finish. This? this is a VERY late christmas offering for you people. (Though it's not very christmas-y) Feedback please? I'll make you stuff! :D Unbeta'ed. As usual.
Warnings - Confused!Jensen, Confusing!Jared, irrationability, and crappy paragraphs. :D
“Yeah, but you’re my everything.”
Jensen whispered to the cold Vancouver wind instead. But Jared was already walking back to the set, his back against Jensen, several feet away.
It was fucking freezing, and breaths turned into visible vapor when exhaled.
You’re my everything.
oOo
It was 1:30 am, and Jensen couldn’t sleep. Goddamned weather. Vancouver climate, as of this moment, was bitchy as hell. The cold crept through everything, through floors, through doors, through the clothes. Hell, even the windows were appropriately frosted.
Jensen fumbled from his bed, carrying the blanket with him like some cape. “Nngh.” He involuntarily shuddered as his foot made contact with the hard floor. “Damn” he uttered, making his way from dark room to dark room. Finally he got to the kitchen. The glow-in-the-dark clock above the counter read: 1:40 am. Jensen didn’t bother to even open the lights anymore; simply opened the fridge, got a pitcher of water and poured himself a glass.
Bad move.
The cold water sent a very painful sensation down his throat as he swallowed, and Ow. Jensen rubbed his throat as he put his glass down. Holding the glass firmly in one hand, the other clutching the blanket around him, he walked to the window above the sink.
He could see moon, the air hanging with some kind of ethereal frost. Jensen leaned closer to the glass pane, his breath frosting the window just enough to make it blurry.
“Shit.”
Jensen tried to will certain memories away. With a feral growl, he tried to force his mind to think about some other thing instead of what happened. Or rather, what he did.
Jensen felt like running into wall would be far better than having to deal with tomorrow.
oOo
It was his fifth shot of tequila, and Jensen was feeling like his body was being unstrung. Literally. Like he couldn’t hold himself up any longer. “Hey, Jare?” Jensen asks Jared. “Yeah?” Jared replies while sucking on a lime. “Gimme a ride home. Can’t fucking see straight anymore.” Jared just looks at him like he’s speaking in Mandarin. Or like he’s crazy. Or both.
“Dude,” Jared replies, his voice a little rough due to the alcohol. “We got a driver, remember?” Jensen just looks puzzled, then smiles widely and says “Oh yeah.”
“Well, I wanna go home now. Got an early call tomorrow, right?” Jensen continues. Jared just stands up, surprisingly agile and alert for someone who just downed five tequila shots consecutively. “Here.” Jared offers his shoulder to Jensen, “Lean on me, you look like you aren’t gonna last a second on your feet.” Jensen just stands, makes an attempt to stand, really, then Jared’s catching him, all arms and legs, holding him up. Jensen just looks up at Jared, their faces less than a few centimeters away from each other.
It’s as if the world freezes, and everyone else has disappeared.
Jensen’s alcohol-addled brain surprisingly reminds him to breathe. Exhale, Inhale. Jensen can practically hear himself talk. Jared’s breath smells like tequila, lime, mint and something sugary. There’s no sound, save for their breathing, not really in cue, not really in a different rhythm either.
Jensen just loses himself at this point.
“Y’know what?” Jensen slurs, but his brain is awake. Jared’s just holding him, not saying anything, looking at him as if he was a bomb about to explode. “You mean a lot t’me Jare.” Jensen chuckles a little drunken chuckle as he says that. “So do you Jen.” Jared deadpans, purposely looking above his head while pulling him to the parking lot.
“No, really man.” Jensen insists. Shut up. Jensen’s brain is telling him to shut the hell up, but his mouth just talks. And talks. And talks. “Oh yeah?” Jared humors him, chuckling at the way Jensen looks like. “Yeah man,” Jensen rambles on, “Did’ja ever know that I fucking love you?” Jared freezes. Jensen doesn’t really notice, because after a millisecond, Jared regains his wits, muttering to himself as he’s dragging Jensen to the waiting car “He’s drunk, he’s drunk...”
Jensen hears this though, and his mouth, against his will says, “I mean every single motherfuckin’ word Padalecki.” Jen’s voice is all tattered at this point, a little frayed around the edges, his Texas accent spilling out a little.
Jared looks down at him and smiles a forced smile. “Almost at the car Jen.” He says instead. “Fuck you man.” Jensen half-yells. And as if to prove his point, Jensen’s body move forward and his lips close on Jared’s, his tongue licking Jared’s lower lip. He can taste the rock salt, can feel the Vancouver cold on his lips, his tongue chasing away that cold.
Jared just laughs nervously, and shoves him in the backseat and gets in as well, telling the driver to take them home.
oOo
The next day is as awkward as hell. Jensen tries to pretend that nothing happened, and actually succeeds. Jared’s acting all normal as well, flirting with the make-up girls and laughing at all the jokes and telling his own corny ones.
They shoot scenes together and it looks like nothing’s wrong on the outside, like everything’s fine. Kripke even gave them a “Well done” for today.
Jensen has never felt this strange in…ever.
So, it looks like nothing happened last night. Jensen guesses everything just got chalked up to drunken babble. Thank god. But then as they’re walking back to their trailers, Jared doesn’t say the random nonsense like he used to. He’s quiet, lips forming a thin line, eyes looking determinedly ahead. Jensen pretends like this isn’t anything. Like this is the usual, and that nothing’s changed.
Fuck.
Jensen can’t take the silence anymore, and for once he starts the conversation. “So…where’re you going for Christmas Jare?” Jensen asks in a voice that he hoped sounded good-natured and nothing more. Jared looks surprised, and a little awkward. “Yeah,” He drawls, “’M going to my family this Christmas, back to Texas.” Jensen doesn’t look at Jared when he talks, just looks around and says “Mm.” The air is a little too cold for comfort, and Jensen holds back a shiver. “How ‘bout you Jen?” Jared sounds croaky, almost like he’s simply saying stuff to keep the conversation going.
Jensen doesn’t answer at first. Just stops walking and looks at his Dean biker boots. “Not going anywhere. No idea yet. Hahaha…” Jensen tries to keep the emotion away from his voice, tries not to sound bitter, or depressed, or anything because he’s not. Then there’s a pregnant pause, the chilly wind filling in the gap. “Right.” Jared says, looking at anything that’s not Jensen. “Oh.” Jensen just speaks without thinking anymore, couldn’t help asking. “I thought you were going to spend the Christmas with Sandy.” Jared doesn’t look at Jensen at all. “Yeah, I am.”
“I am.”
It sounds resolute in Jensen’s ears, like it was some sort of Latin incantation designed to drive him away. Jared just walks away, going towards his trailer, a hand waving up to say goodbye and then there was just him and the cold.
The trailer feels cold as well, the thermostat not even turned on. Jensen just takes his stuff to take home and stuffs them in a bag. Going to the car that was waiting to take him back to his apartment. “Can we go now?” Jensen asks the chauffeur as he clambers into the backseat. “I think Mr. Padalecki is riding along.” The driver says it more like a statement than a query. “Oh yeah?” Jensen answers, his fingers twiddling on his cell phone. “Wait up!” Jensen can hear Jared shouting from the outside, then he’s entering the car, several huge plastic bags in tow.
“What the fuck man?” Jensen’s asking Jared with a laugh, and it’s almost like everything’s back to normal. “Just gifts” Jared says, taking off his mitts and settling in. “Ow, you’re cramping me JT.” Jensen whines, because seriously, something feels like it’s cutting his leg off. “Oh, sorry.” Jared moves the bag away. “Can we go now?” Jensen asks the driver again, cocking an eyebrow up. “Yes sir.” The driver says, pressing on the gas.
The drive back to their apartments is silent, punctuated by the occasional gear-gnashing. Jared doesn’t look at Jensen; he simply plays with the handle on one of his plastic bags, looking outside the window.
Then a cell phone’s ringing.
“Hello?” Jared answers his phone “Hey Sandy.” Jared says, his face all smiles and he’s tilting his head so that Jensen can’t see his face. “Yeah.” Jared replies to something Sandy says, and Jensen’s trying to say to himself that “I don’t want to look, and I’m not listening.” But he utterly fails at this, and he finds his ears straining to capture every laugh, every inflection in Jared’s voice. His eyes automatically drift to Jared’s eyes, trying to decipher the twinkle there, the joy, the crinkles on the sides of his eyes.
Somewhere deep inside, Jensen will never admit it.
“Mm hm. Yeah. I love you too.” Jared says as he flips his phone shut.
Admit that right there, in the middle of his chest, he feels like someone’s twisting a knife. Savagely.
I love you too.
The words keep ringing in Jensen’s head on the rest of the trip back to their apartments.
It’s still cold, and they’re around 30 minutes from their apartments. Jensen tries to keep his head level, tries to not look at Jared and concentrate on his own phone, on the script he’s taken out of his bag, on anything at all. But he can’t.
I love you.
He feels something stinging the backs of his eyes, and he’s starting to shiver a little from the cold. “”Hey,” he addresses the driver “Mind turnin’ the temperature a little higher there?” slurring his sentence. The driver just looks at him and says “The heater’s broken.” And Jared’s saying “No wonder it’s been cold.” while blowing his hands to keep them warm.
Jensen finds himself watching Jared. The way his lips form an “o” and how his breath comes out as a little cloud of fog. He observes how Jared’s all happy now, and how the vaporized cloud of breath distracts him and how Jared looks at the window that’s a little frosted.
Jared blows on the window, frosting it a little more.
Jensen can almost feel Jared’s giddiness as he lifts a finger to draw on the fogged window. Then Jensen’s finding himself just staring.
He’s tracing a heart shape on a window, and he’s smiling to himself as he finishes that “V” shape in the middle of the heart. Then the car’s stopping, and Jensen hears an exasperated “We’re here.” He feels like his bones are all stiff as he barely manages to climb out of the door. He’s walking automatically, and he knows it. Jensen just grabs his bag, and walks briskly to his apartment, not giving a fuck if Jared’s needing help to carry his stuff or shit.
Jensen tries hard not to open his mouth as he’s walking across the snow to the entrance to the apartments, he’s afraid that he might let a little anguished noise out, or probably something worse.
“Jen!” Jared calls out.
Jensen doesn’t want to stop and hear whatever the hell it is anymore; he just runs off, opens the door and gets in the elevator. “Fuck.” He whispers to himself as he stands there alone with his thoughts inside the elevator. “Fuck.” He says again for good measure.
There’s a little “ding” signaling that he’s already at his floor. Jensen hurries, trying to make sure not to see Jared because why did they have to get apartments on the same floor again?
Jensen shuts the door behind him firmly, throwing his bag on the couch and going straight to the fridge for beer. Jensen comes face to face with himself on the mirror hanging beside the fridge. “Fuck you.” He tells himself, finishing half the beer in one gulp.
“I fucking love you.”
The words from last night are on permanent replay in his head. He doesn’t want to deal with this anymore. What the fuck was he thinking? Why would he say something like that? He’s supposed to be straight wasn’t he?
His thoughts are interrupted by his answering machine.
He lets the machine screen the call, hoping that it’s not-
“Hey, Jen. It’s Jared. Uh, I, uh was thinking if you’d like to, um, just grab a bite with me. After all, tomorrow’s our last day. Thought that maybe you’d like to hang before I go back to Texas. Gimme a call, ‘kay?”
Jensen wants to throw something, want to scream until he can’t speak anymore.
Why the fuck did he have to be stupid anyway?
Jensen picks up the phone to call a take-out joint nearby. Fuck Padalecki and his girlfriend. He was staying in and sleeping his misery off until it was time to go back to work. What the hell.
It’s been an hour or so, and Jensen hasn’t really been paying attention to whatever he’s been watching, some talk show and then a game and stuff. He’s been flipping channels idly, not really watching. Just distracting himself, but it’s not really working because all he can think about is how Jared laughs, and how he says “I love you” to his girlfriend and how, maybe, somewhere deep down, he wants to be the one Jared says “I love you” in that way. Honey-sweet like when he says it to her.
With a baseball game on the television (volume turned to almost full-blast), some Chinese take-out, several empty bottles of beer with a half-empty one in his hand, and his misery, Jensen was determined to get this out of his system because. Because tomorrow was their last day of shooting and then it would be hiatus all over again. Jensen didn’t even want to think about that, and most especially how things would turn out after all this shit.
No way was he going to think about it.
Jensen just lets sleep crawl all over him, lets it wash over him like waves on the seashore, but-
There’s a loud crash, and some very loud banging on his door.
This did not look good.
“Jen!” Jared’s shouting and pounding on his door like he’s going to break it down. Jensen doesn’t answer, just groans and turns off the television, turns out the lights, gets a throw pillow and covers his face with it as he tries not to choke on that something building up in his chest.
“Jensen! Open the fuck up! I know you’re in there. Goddamn Jen, we gotta talk man.” Jared’s shifting between shouting and whispering almost desperately.
Then there’s a dull thud. Jensen’s not sure if Jared’s gone or if he’s leaning on his apartment door right now. “Jesus.” What was happening now? Jensen’s not really sure what to do, and he stands up, takes a beer and sits on his veranda floor. Goddamnit. He lets a sigh out and looks at the cold moon, hidden a little by dark clouds. He hears a closing door in the hallway, and Jared’s veranda window shows that he’s turned on his light. Jensen’s pretty sure he hears a radio being turned on in Jared’s apartment, but he doesn’t want to care anymore. He drifts off to buzz-filled sleep, as he hears some quiet guitar music float through the midnight.
oOo
1 am.
Jensen semi-wakes up on his veranda, feeling someone’s breath ghosting over his cheek. Breathing in a ragged sequence. He tries to ignore this, trying to convince himself that it’s just his imagination because he wants to sleep. But then that someone brushes a finger across his cheek, and he can feel fingers cupping his chin. He feels warmth on his lips. He forces his eyes to open, to focus fast enough, and he sees… Jared? He’s not really sure, everything’s blurry, so he forces himself to say something, but it comes out as a grunt. The person stands up and then crosses his veranda to Jared’s, and enters his door. The alcohol gets to his nerves before he can even do anything else, and then he’s sleeping again.
oOo
5 am.
Jensen’s woken up by someone calling his name. “Jen. Wake up Jen. Jensen!”
Jared’s leaning on his veranda fence, trying to wake Jensen up. He wakes up seeing Jared calling him, his face all smiles. It was fucking five am. No one should be cheerful at that time. But Jensen’s grunting, getting up and entering his apartment. “Jensen, hurry up. Call time’s in 30 minutes.” Jared yells. Jensen dresses up, grabs a t-shirt, a jacket and his bag from yesterday.
“Wait.” Jensen talks to himself.
Jensen stops himself before he goes out his door. “I’m pretty sure I forgot something.”
He goes to his veranda door and shuts it firmly, making sure to lock it up. “Jensen! Hurry up. Kripke’s going to skin us alive if we’re late today.”
Oh, yeah. Today was the last day. After this, it was hiatus. How fun.
Jensen tries not to roll his eyes as he shuts the door firmly behind him, running to the elevator before it closes.
When he gets to the parking lot, the driver’s there, waiting. And Jared’s waiting outside as well, two Styrofoam cups of coffee in his hand. “Here.” Jared shoves a cup in Jensen’s hand. “Black, the way you like it.” Jensen mumbles his thank you, and enters the car. During the drive, Jared tells Jensen something. “You wanna hang out tonight. At least a few hours before I go. My plane leaves at 5 am.” Jensen doesn’t want to react. He doesn’t know what to say, so he just sips his coffee and looks out the window.
oOo
11 pm.
“Cut!” The director yells.
A few minutes later, Kripke announces that it’s a wrap, and that everyone have a happy holiday. There’s supposed to be a party, but Jensen decides to go home instead. He goes to his trailer directly, and as he opens the door, Jared’s running towards him, calling him. “Jensen!” Jared’s panting, and Jensen’s just looking at him.
“Hey.” Jared says. “Hey.” Jensen smiles weakly, and he feels like his knees are going to buckle. “Let’s talk.” Jared says. Jensen opens his mouth to reason, to stall this at least, but it seems that Jared just read his mind.
“I’m not taking no for an answer.” Jared smiles a little as he says this, and Jensen doesn’t know what exactly is happening.
oOo
Jensen can’t stand still, and he’s fumbling with the end of his jacket.
“Remember what you said last time?” Jared asks, hands in jean pockets. “Yeah.” Jensen tries not to look at Jared in front of him. “Yeah, so… that-” Jared sounds like he’s trying to get his words together. “Did I mean it?” Jensen finishes the sentence for Jared.
“Yeah.” Jared exhales a long sigh. “Yeah man. What was that all about?” Jensen scoured his brain for a logical explanation. Why had he said that? Even he had no idea. Well, if I knew what that was all about, then I would be able to answer you. “Jen?” Jared waves a hand in front of his face. Jensen tries not to feel like he’s dissolving but that’s exactly what he wishes were happening right this moment. “I- uh, Jared. That wasn’t-. It was-” Jensen can’t finish his sentences, can’t find a reason, an answer. Jared just watches Jensen, and suddenly Jensen’s fumbling at his jacket again, putting his hands in his pockets, then taking them out again and rubbing his hands together.
Trapped.
Jared’s a little impatient at this point, and he asks Jensen again. “What was that all about man?” frustration lacing the edge of his tone. Jensen can’t answer, won’t answer. But Jensen wants to say it again. To let him know it was real. Even if he doesn’t know why he felt it or what it was all about.
“Jen-?”
Jensen’s leaning into Jared, kissing him. Doesn’t bite or drag his tongue across his lips. Doesn’t do any of that fancy stuff. He just kisses him, warm and tender- the exact opposite of the Vancouver wind.
Jared pulls off.
“The hell was that!?” Jensen can’t read the look in Jared’s eyes. Jared’s face is a mixture of puzzlement and some other emotion that Jensen can’t really pin down. But there’s a twist in his stomach when Jared inhales deeply, and a sob escapes his lips. Jensen realizes that Jared’s crying. And Jensen doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know whether he should reach out and wipe those tears away, or walk away. Because he’s not sure if Jared was fine with that, and by the way things were going, it looked like it wasn’t going to be good.
“I-“ Jensen tries to explain himself.
Jared punches the aluminum trailer wall.
“The hell was that all about Jen?” Jared asks, not looking at him, sniffling between words. For once in this conversation, Jensen comes up with a sentence. “I don’t know.”
Then someone from the cast calls out Jared’s name, and then it’s like Jensen gets pulled back to earth.
Jared wipes his tears on a sleeve, and sniffles loudly. He gives Jensen a look that makes his insides feel like butterflies magically hatched from the inside. In a bad way, that is.
Then Jared’s walking towards the set, hands waving hello to everyone.
Jensen realizes what it’s all about. For him at least.
“I love you.” Jensen whispers to Jared’s retreating back.
“I know you’ve got her, but I want you to know. Even if you’re never going to look at me ever again, you’re my everything.”
Jensen lets the tears flow this time, hearing voices in his head reasoning how he’d be better off without him.
“Yeah,” Jensen agrees, “But you’re my everything.” He says to Jared, the wind being the only one to hear him instead.
He gets in his trailer, calls the airport for a flight back to L.A. tomorrow on the earliest flight possible.
oOo
On the ride back to his apartment, Jensen looks at the window and sees a greasy remnant of the heart Jared traced yesterday. Goddamned driver was lazy to a fault. Couldn’t clean for his own life.
When Jensen’s eyes trace the edges of the heart, he’s choking a little, struggling to breathe. His mind flashes to Jared immediately, remembers every shift in tone, remembers the joy that was there when he was talking to her.
He realizes that he’s reaching out, tracing the heart’s outline and he feels stupid.
Since when had he become such a girl?
He’s still drowning in Jared when the driver yells at him, tells him that he’s home so please get out. Jensen doesn’t answer, just gets his stuff and walks to his apartment.
oOo
“Shit!” Jensen’s cursing as he’s kicking his apartment door. Apparently, he forgot his keys. On his last day in Vancouver. With a flight tomorrow morning.
And Jared was about to come back as well.
Good job Ackles. He talks to himself, in his head at least. He tries to think of a way to get in his apartment. Should I wait for Jared and ask him if I can go through his veranda? “No.” He says out loud.
No way was he talking to Jared again, at least not now. Not after what happened.
A few minutes later, the elevator signals that someone’s getting off on their floor.
“Oh yeah? Hmm. I’ll take the next flight. What time is that? 6 am? Fine, I’ll take that.”
Jared’s voice filters, a little canned through the elevator doors. As it opens Jensen doesn’t take his chances, instead he walks briskly to the staircase beside the elevator and walks down as Jared steps out the elevator. He hears Jared flip his phone shut, get his keys and open the door.
Jensen refuses to mope like an idiot and keep thinking about Jared.
But he still does anyway.
oOo
The counter gives him a spare key. Thank god. Service was slow though. It was fucking 1 am and he had a flight to L.A. at 5 am. He calls the airport, asks for a reschedule. Can he leave at 6 or 8 instead? The airport refuses to let him on the 8’o clock flight. Tells him it’s already fully booked, but he may ride the 6 am flight instead.
Jensen thanks the other person on the end of the line, closes his phone, and gets a beer. He was going to drown Jared away from his brain, even if he has to show up drunk at the airport tomorrow.
After several beer bottles later, at 3 am, Jensen was hysterical. Everything just flows out his tears, and he can’t stop crying. He has no idea why he’s this hung over on Jared, because he’s only met him several months ago.
He tries to control himself, his breathing. Wiping his eyes on the hem of his shirt he walks out to the veranda again. The moon’s still out, and it’s chilly. He doesn’t look to see if Jared’s awake, or if he’s even there.
Jensen just goes over to his window, blows on the glass pane to make it foggy, and draws something on it.
“I love you Jared, and I’m sorry. I’m stupid but I’m suddenly fucking dependent on you. I-” Jensen chokes on tears as he’s saying this, while he’s tracing a heart on the window pane. He couldn’t care less if he’s already shouting or whispering or if anyone hears him. He just wants to let it out. Needs to.
His breath is shaky as he writes “Jared” in the middle of the heart, and everything is vapor, cold, frigid and dark. Jensen gathers himself up, closes the veranda door as he enters the room- sobbing.
He falls asleep leaning on the door and lying on the floor, crying.
oOo
The next morning, Jensen’s back hurts. It’s 5:30 am, but the sun’s a little up already.
“Shit.”
He’s got a flight. At 6 am. Damn.
Jensen hurries around the small apartment, getting clothes and stuffing them in his luggage. He didn’t bring much, just clothes, shoes, some toiletries. He looks around to see if he’s forgotten anything, and triple-checks the place just to make sure.
His back really hurts. Ow. He tries not to fall down as he scrambles around the place.
Nope, he didn’t forget anything.
Around 5:40, he calls the driver telling him to get here now. He hurriedly throws away the beer bottles and the Chinese-take-out trash and the rubbish he can see. He doesn’t really clean it, because he’s got help coming to fix his place after he’s left it. He planned ahead, so that when he left, there would be no need for him to fix up. The helper would clean the place, give the key to the front desk, and that was it- until he came back though.
Jesus Christ.
Jensen checks his stuff again and his phone rings. For a moment, his heart seems to stop. He checks the phone. It’s just the driver. How stupid of him, Jared probably already left- he’s got an early flight remember?
Jensen pulls his stuff out and takes a last look at the place before he closes the door. Sighing, he closes the door as he notices the winter sunlight filtering in through the dusty windowpanes.
What he doesn’t notice though, is that beside the heart he’s drawn last night, there’s another heart traced beside it- a mix of frost and dust.
The heart beside the one he drew has “Jensen” written in the middle of it.
But it’s useless. Jensen doesn’t see it.
oOo
At the airport, he’s told that all flights from 5 am to 6 am have been delayed, and he’s going to get to leave at 7 if he’s lucky, but most likely at 8 am.
Jensen wills himself not to look for Jared, because he’s not going to be stupid. But at one point, he thinks he sees a giant person with a shaggy mop of brown hair sauntering with his luggage somewhere at the candy store there, but he doesn’t really take a closer look.
Jensen can’t take himself anymore. Him and his emo shit. He doesn’t want to hear Jared’s voice calling him as he’s queuing up to get on his plane. Doesn’t want to see Jared because he’s going to fall into tiny pieces and that’s not good.
So he doesn’t.
oOo
Back in L.A. Jensen calls everyone at home. It’s the 24th and he tells them he won’t be able to come home for Christmas. Everyone’s sad and questioning, but he tells them he’s tired from work and that he’s sorry and he fields the other questions. Questions like “why not rest here instead?” or “not even a day or two?”
Jensen doesn’t want to see anyone right now. Because he’s still emo and depressed and he’s trying to patch himself up because he’s stupid. He doesn’t call Chris up, doesn’t want to disturb him with this shit. Plus, Chris’s reaction to this would have “What the fuck?” written all over it, even if Chris pretends not to react to this.
So yeah, Jensen’s alone.
It’s the 24th in the evening. He flips the TV on, watches random shows and avoids everything that has anything vaguely Christmas and Jared featured on it.
Jensen spends a lonely Christmas eve, with nothing to celebrate with but beer bottles, the television and his shattered heart.
2nd Part: Dust, Frost and Promises (Tears Unwept) (Jared POV)