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[starflowers]

I keep praying lately and it's sort of freaking me out a little bit. Maybe it's early-onset skizophrenia, because sometimes when I do it, I feel like maybe there really is someone listening. Is it skizophrenia when the only voice I'm hearing is mine, and I'm thinking that someone else is hearnig it? Maybe skizophrenia is just a sudden supernatural

Comments

[shanna_souzou]

You're not scitzo. I went through a weird praying alot phase when I was I was in college. The stress got to me. I went from a staunch atheist to someone who "talked with God" for hours a day. It was depression and loneliness fed by low self-esteem. It was like screaming out into a cave so much that you start to think the echoes are someone calling back to you

[starflowers]

So are you better? Like, will I be better in five years? Or do you still hate yourself even five years from now. Because if it doesn't get better, there's. Just. What's the point?

[mayqueen517]

I am intensely worried about you, starflowers. Like, I am so worried and I want to desperately offer up some sort of advice, but I can't because I don't know what to say. I don't want to make you feel bad, but I needed you to know that I'm worried for you.

[findmeneverland]

I agree with this. :[

[cirakaite]

Honey, I'm worried about you. It's really important that you set up a doctor's appointment. Are you still on anti-d's at all, or did you go off them entirely? A good doctor should help you both with accepting yourself and with helping to work on your self-control if that's what you need. Do talk to him/her about your self-image though, and what you've said here. :* You know I'm on email if you want to talk. I check that way more often than LJ these days.

[boho]

Ditto this. :\

[starflowers]

I made the executive decision not to be on anti-depressants innnn... July? The end of July. I don't remember why. It seemed a good idea.

I told my sister I wanted to chop off body parts that were gross and she said "Oh." and changed the subject.

People are stupid.

And my doctor moved. And so did my therapist. And all the other doctors in town are old men who yell.

I'm just being stupid.

And I'm sleeping all the time. What's up with that. 15 - 18 hours a day without even waking up. And craving food. Not like, hungry, but like. Craving food with nutritional value. I want a plate. An actual plate with like. Potatoes. And peas. And gravy. And a bun. And maybe, like. Something with cheese. Like you know when normal people eat a meal and it's like... on a plate with a fork and like... some parts you don't even like, like peas, but you eat them, because they're on the plate and it's Dinner Time and that's what happens. I feel as though I may possibly not be making sense.

I just want to sleep, all the time!

[boho]

Liss, I'm nearly always around (& most of the time I'm on Skype if you ever just want to vent vocally?) if you want. I just wish you could see that you're really not what you think. You're beautiful and you don't need to starve yourself or rip off parts of you. You're great.

Is there no other doctor you could see? Hm. I know you may not have loved the anti-depressants, but you seemed so much happier and more stable on them. Idk.

Try and eat meals then? Plan them rather than eating whenever/snacking. Your sleeping is a sign of your general 'downness'. Speak to someone? ♥

[unspokenwhisper]

I find that praying helps me sort through my thoughts and lets me speak openly without fearing judgement. I also truly believe in God, and I do believe that every word we say during prayer is heard :) I've seen results, dude!

Also make sure to ask if you can book a slightly longer session with your new doctor, so that you can actually talk everything out. If you have a good doc, they'll listen, and that in itself can be therapeutic, as you know =) But don't be discouraged if they don't have a quick and easy solution ... maybe you two can work something out together?

[bathstone]

:( I'm really, really, really worried about you. Feel better, and definitely see a doctor ASAP.