shit needs to change.
so i know it's been forever since i posted on here but i just felt like using this journal as some kind of diary, just a memory to keep for myself.
i constantly need to be reminded that i am worth it. that i am pretty. that even though i have let myself get into this mess, let myself lose control about pretty much everything, i am worth it.
i have been watching adam lambert videos on youtube and i just have to say that i admire him so much for being himself. for going for what he wants and needs. for standing up for himself even though he gets crap about it. who are those people to judge others by their looks, sexual preference or state of mind? are there people out there who are just better than others? i think not.
yes, i have been severely depressed for several years. i have been on medication for almost a year and a half. it helped me deal with my moods and feelings. it helped me get better but maybe it's time to try this on my own again. i want to be ready to embrace who i truly am. i'm not saying that i am ready just yet. but i want to. i am almost 30. it's about time i stopped existing and started living.
i had my heart badly broken about 7 years ago and i haven't had a real relationship ever since. every time i tried to loosen up and let people in, shit went wrong and i fell deeper and deeper. i let other people get to me. i let them use me. i tried being good enough but to them, i never was. why was i even trying to satisfy them when i knew i couldn't please them anyway? all my life i've been trying to be good enough, forgetting about my own needs and what i really want. i have always looked out for others. up until a little while ago when i started acting a bit more "selfish". i am not selfish. even when someone tried to tell me i was, i never have been. people need to realise that you can't be there for others all the time. you just wear yourself out and what's left then? right. nothing. a shell. a shadow of yourself. and what good are you to others -- or yourself -- when you're barely hanging on?
i may have let other people control my life, pull my strings but i am not a puppet.
i know that it's not gonna be easy. and it scares me. a lot. but i can hardly spend the rest of my life hiding in my mum's guest room. especially because i know what it's like to have a real life. i have lived on my own before and i miss it desperately. i am too told to be told when to clean up or whatever. i'll have to get a job that pays the bills sooner or later. even though i am scared shitless by the mere thought. i can't let my insecurities take over. i cannot lose myself in my own fear. not anymore. i'll be allowed to doubt, to give in just or a little while but i can't let myself give up. i am not my father. i am not a failure. i deserve to be loved and treated with respect. and anyone who's not willing to respect me or my principals has to go.
i'm not sorry. i deserve to be surrounded by tolerant people who i can have fun with. who don't belittle me. because those are the people that are important. people who are not demanding or clingy but who know when to make time for me because i need them. i've got so much to give. but i am not willing to put up with people who take and take without giving anything back. not anymore.
what i'm gonna do for now is this: cut down on my medication. see if i can handle life and myself with smaller doses -- or even better, without the help of drugs. little by little. baby steps back into the wide, scary world. i hope i'll be able to have a normal life very soon. i want it back so badly. i am scared. terrified, even. but what have i got to lose? my sanity maybe. but if i don't try... then i'll never know if i could have made it. i'm sad to admit that i do have a lot of regrets even though i'd love to say "je ne regrette rien". but i do. but are regrets gonna hold me back from trying to break free. hell to the no?!
i sincerely hope so. i just... i just want to be.
i constantly need to be reminded that i am worth it. that i am pretty. that even though i have let myself get into this mess, let myself lose control about pretty much everything, i am worth it.
i have been watching adam lambert videos on youtube and i just have to say that i admire him so much for being himself. for going for what he wants and needs. for standing up for himself even though he gets crap about it. who are those people to judge others by their looks, sexual preference or state of mind? are there people out there who are just better than others? i think not.
yes, i have been severely depressed for several years. i have been on medication for almost a year and a half. it helped me deal with my moods and feelings. it helped me get better but maybe it's time to try this on my own again. i want to be ready to embrace who i truly am. i'm not saying that i am ready just yet. but i want to. i am almost 30. it's about time i stopped existing and started living.
i had my heart badly broken about 7 years ago and i haven't had a real relationship ever since. every time i tried to loosen up and let people in, shit went wrong and i fell deeper and deeper. i let other people get to me. i let them use me. i tried being good enough but to them, i never was. why was i even trying to satisfy them when i knew i couldn't please them anyway? all my life i've been trying to be good enough, forgetting about my own needs and what i really want. i have always looked out for others. up until a little while ago when i started acting a bit more "selfish". i am not selfish. even when someone tried to tell me i was, i never have been. people need to realise that you can't be there for others all the time. you just wear yourself out and what's left then? right. nothing. a shell. a shadow of yourself. and what good are you to others -- or yourself -- when you're barely hanging on?
i may have let other people control my life, pull my strings but i am not a puppet.
i know that it's not gonna be easy. and it scares me. a lot. but i can hardly spend the rest of my life hiding in my mum's guest room. especially because i know what it's like to have a real life. i have lived on my own before and i miss it desperately. i am too told to be told when to clean up or whatever. i'll have to get a job that pays the bills sooner or later. even though i am scared shitless by the mere thought. i can't let my insecurities take over. i cannot lose myself in my own fear. not anymore. i'll be allowed to doubt, to give in just or a little while but i can't let myself give up. i am not my father. i am not a failure. i deserve to be loved and treated with respect. and anyone who's not willing to respect me or my principals has to go.
i'm not sorry. i deserve to be surrounded by tolerant people who i can have fun with. who don't belittle me. because those are the people that are important. people who are not demanding or clingy but who know when to make time for me because i need them. i've got so much to give. but i am not willing to put up with people who take and take without giving anything back. not anymore.
what i'm gonna do for now is this: cut down on my medication. see if i can handle life and myself with smaller doses -- or even better, without the help of drugs. little by little. baby steps back into the wide, scary world. i hope i'll be able to have a normal life very soon. i want it back so badly. i am scared. terrified, even. but what have i got to lose? my sanity maybe. but if i don't try... then i'll never know if i could have made it. i'm sad to admit that i do have a lot of regrets even though i'd love to say "je ne regrette rien". but i do. but are regrets gonna hold me back from trying to break free. hell to the no?!
i sincerely hope so. i just... i just want to be.