I'm still alive...
You know how it is - you think about doing something that you can't do until later... but then later never comes and the moment passes. When the opportunity shows itself to do that something, it's never the Right Time... Which is the way my postings here on LJ seem to be going lately. When something relatively good is going on, I can't get online to share it. Then - like now - I'm online, but I'm cross and grumpy and feeling-sorry-for-myself, and what kind of mood is that to post from? Lately it just seems I can't win, and the walls (i.e.: circumstances) feel like they're closing in on me.
March's rent is still not paid, less $400. Son-in-law paid last month's electric bill, so at least we aren't behind in that for now; but he refuses to help us catch up on the rent on the basis that it was OUR decision to move into this expensive apartment, so it's OUR problem. Doesn't matter to him that HIS WIFE spent her half of the rent money, and that HIS KIDS will be out on the street if we get evicted... oh, no, wait - He did say he has a 5-bedroom house, (not true - it's his mom's house) and his kids are always welcome and he would take them if we lost the apartment. He blames me for my daughter being the way she is, and for the spending of the money. He says I should tell her No more often. Yes, I should; but I wonder if saying No will one day find me facing a very out-of-control, freaked-out daughter who will go off on me if I say No once too often.
And then I have to do the soul-searching and ask myself, How much of this really is my fault?
Daughter has made four appointments for the Behavioral Health clinic - all have been canceled for one reason or another: 1) first bad snow of the season; 2) we were stuck in Baltimore with a broken-down car 3) & 4) both canceled by the clinic. Appointment #5 is pending for the 9th of next month; let's see how that pans out. But I heard this past week that the clinic fired one of their therapists. That's scary crap. What kind of facility is it, if they have to fire their therapists? What kind of people are they hiring in the first place, that they need to be fired? Egads. @@
My thoughts are scattered and of course there is not enough room to give every little detail about why the bills are not paid. Some of it is my fault, to some extent, but after daughter spent all of her February money and more on Schtuff, causing an overdraft at the bank which had to be paid back with the March money, I've had to try to keep us together with my parttime paycheck, so that's why I am also behind in paying the bills. Son-in-law supposedly got $8000 in tax returns. So, yeah - I did assume he would not mind helping us catch up so we had some solid ground under us again. That didn't happen - he sent "play money" in amounts of $100, $200, and $300 dollars at a time. I know the baby needs diapers and wipes, and the girls both needed new socks and the older girl needed some new undies - but could we just please pay the bills?????
Ohhhh, I am so in over my head.
We have been thinking about having to do an intervention with daughter - she needs to be on her psych meds, and she needs to be under a psychiatrist's care - but the son-in-law told me in no uncertain terms that all daughter needs is love, and that if we put her in a 3-week program to get her stabilized, he would fight me over it, and he would come get the girls. My current state of mind has been caused by an overwhelming sense that I have lost the battle and that I might as well say I'm going to lose my daughter again. Most certainly, I can't win this by myself, and that's what I feel I'm being asked to do.
I did get the position of Representative Payee through the Social Security office. I control the money, but next payment isn't until the 3rd, which puts us in a whole new month of financial responsibility.
Oh, yeah - I have also applied to the local Community College to try to get some courses under my belt so I can try to land a better position... Non-credit courses can get me certified in 10-12 weeks - but there's no tuition assistance for those. If I go for a degree with credit courses, I can get the usual Pell Grant and Stafford Loan. More debt. *shake head* Can't win.
AND there are three guys Out There who seem to be interested in me, but I'm not interested in Romance. I need a Financial Partner, not a boyfriend. I'm not really interested in using guys to get what I need, so I guess I'll have to turn each one down as he calls so no one gets the wrong idea.
March's rent is still not paid, less $400. Son-in-law paid last month's electric bill, so at least we aren't behind in that for now; but he refuses to help us catch up on the rent on the basis that it was OUR decision to move into this expensive apartment, so it's OUR problem. Doesn't matter to him that HIS WIFE spent her half of the rent money, and that HIS KIDS will be out on the street if we get evicted... oh, no, wait - He did say he has a 5-bedroom house, (not true - it's his mom's house) and his kids are always welcome and he would take them if we lost the apartment. He blames me for my daughter being the way she is, and for the spending of the money. He says I should tell her No more often. Yes, I should; but I wonder if saying No will one day find me facing a very out-of-control, freaked-out daughter who will go off on me if I say No once too often.
And then I have to do the soul-searching and ask myself, How much of this really is my fault?
Daughter has made four appointments for the Behavioral Health clinic - all have been canceled for one reason or another: 1) first bad snow of the season; 2) we were stuck in Baltimore with a broken-down car 3) & 4) both canceled by the clinic. Appointment #5 is pending for the 9th of next month; let's see how that pans out. But I heard this past week that the clinic fired one of their therapists. That's scary crap. What kind of facility is it, if they have to fire their therapists? What kind of people are they hiring in the first place, that they need to be fired? Egads. @@
My thoughts are scattered and of course there is not enough room to give every little detail about why the bills are not paid. Some of it is my fault, to some extent, but after daughter spent all of her February money and more on Schtuff, causing an overdraft at the bank which had to be paid back with the March money, I've had to try to keep us together with my parttime paycheck, so that's why I am also behind in paying the bills. Son-in-law supposedly got $8000 in tax returns. So, yeah - I did assume he would not mind helping us catch up so we had some solid ground under us again. That didn't happen - he sent "play money" in amounts of $100, $200, and $300 dollars at a time. I know the baby needs diapers and wipes, and the girls both needed new socks and the older girl needed some new undies - but could we just please pay the bills?????
Ohhhh, I am so in over my head.
We have been thinking about having to do an intervention with daughter - she needs to be on her psych meds, and she needs to be under a psychiatrist's care - but the son-in-law told me in no uncertain terms that all daughter needs is love, and that if we put her in a 3-week program to get her stabilized, he would fight me over it, and he would come get the girls. My current state of mind has been caused by an overwhelming sense that I have lost the battle and that I might as well say I'm going to lose my daughter again. Most certainly, I can't win this by myself, and that's what I feel I'm being asked to do.
I did get the position of Representative Payee through the Social Security office. I control the money, but next payment isn't until the 3rd, which puts us in a whole new month of financial responsibility.
Oh, yeah - I have also applied to the local Community College to try to get some courses under my belt so I can try to land a better position... Non-credit courses can get me certified in 10-12 weeks - but there's no tuition assistance for those. If I go for a degree with credit courses, I can get the usual Pell Grant and Stafford Loan. More debt. *shake head* Can't win.
AND there are three guys Out There who seem to be interested in me, but I'm not interested in Romance. I need a Financial Partner, not a boyfriend. I'm not really interested in using guys to get what I need, so I guess I'll have to turn each one down as he calls so no one gets the wrong idea.