Day 30
Title: Screaming
Characters: Jared Phillips (jaggedjared), Elena Munez
Universe(s): A Safe Harbor/Falling Starlight
Timeline: The Solar Flares and Disenchanted Storylines (because they overlap.) Takes place just after Elena's second attempt.
Rating: T
Somewhere inside this closet
Your whole life exists
An evil little secret
That keeps you so nervous
You're boarding up your windows
In fetal on the floor
But what you're keeping out is on the wrong side of the door
~Sick Puppies/Monsters
She hadn't left the apartment.
Eight days in the hospital, including the time it took for her to be stable enough to be moved to Psych.
Twenty two days of ignoring therapist recommendations. Of being dragged against her will to daily sessions. Of sitting in groups, staring at her feet. She didn't have these people's problems. She hadn't been brutally raped by her father or watched her family die. No. She had a disorder and it made her brain tell her she wasn't worth being on the planet and so she didn't think she deserved to be on the planet. She'd watched her dog die but wasn't that just an excuse?
So she stared at her feet and stared at the wall when she was home. Marshall curled up silently behind her and she just wanted him to go away because she wasn't good enough. She wasn't special enough. He deserved better than her and she hated that she wanted him to touch her because she wanted it all to just go away because if he went away she could just disappear. The guys could always find a new bass player.
At least they were leaving her alone now.
She'd finally showered and put on a different shirt. She sat cross-legged on her bed, working the comb through her tangles, staring at the dead hair as it broke with each tug. She was alone. Thankfully. They trusted her enough. Assholes. They trusted her. Now she couldn't fucking do anything. How could she disappear when they'd made her promise they'd talk to her later. Fuckers.
Giving up on the rat's nest of her hair, Elena dropped the comb and pulled Popo into her lap. The well loved sock monkey had been an almost constant companion. She clapped his little nubby hands together and sighed, hating herself even more. How could she disappear when Jared had given her this? How could she keep it?
A knock on the door drew her attention but she ignored it. Anyone who wanted to see her had a key and they'd all left anyway. Tired of her. Sighing, she stretched out on her bed and pulled the covers up. She'd work on her hair later. Maybe she'd just cut it all off. There were razors.
The knocking kept up but she just pulled the pillow over her head and waited for it to go away.
She'd sleep.
Sleep was always good.
Sleep.
"Fucking hell, Elena Grace Maria Munez! If you don't open this door I'm breaking it down!"
The pounding continued and she rose, slowly. Things hurt. But the pounding kept up and she stumbled to the door, tripping on her feet. Finally she pulled the latches open and Jard Phillips stood there, white-faced and panicked.
"Oh god you're okay. Fucking hell you're okay." He grabbed her and pulled her into his arms and she felt her body go limp and she had to wrap her arms around his neck to stay upright. "You weren't answering but the guys said you were home and I thought ... God ... Honey ... I thought ... they left you alone. They fucking left you alone and you ... you don't fucking know what that did to me when you didn't answer the fucking door you fucking moron don't do that to me."
She shivered and he clutched her tighter. But she couldn't talk because she didn't deserve for him to be here but he wouldn't let go either so she just let him direct everything because she didn't have a choice anyway. Finally he kissed her temple and pulled back.
"Your hair is a mess."
"It doesn't matter."
Jared sighed and took her hand. "Come on." He stepped around her and into the apartment and she didn't have a choice but to follow. Never a choice. What about the choice just to go back to bed and never get up again? He sat her down on her bed and retrieved her comb and sat behind her, quietly working out the tangles. She put Popo back into her lap and stared down at him. When her hair was braided, Jared scooted closer and put his chin on her shoulder. "Talk to me, E."
She held Popo up. "You should take him back."
"No, babe."
"He's your safeguard."
"Now he's yours. See," he sighed, "our stupid lives are linked now."
That brought the tears and she shook her head. "No. No. That isn't fair to you, Jared. No. You can't do that to us. Don't do it to me. Don't ..."
"Hey," he started to rock her. "Hey, stop. Stop. Shhhh. Shhhh. Hey, it's okay."
"No ..." she sniffed and almost wiped her nose with Popo. "It isn't, Jared. I don't deserve this."
"Deserve what?"
"This. Right here."
"Says who? Who said it cause I'm gonna go kick their butts and you know I will."
"It's just true."
"Nah. See that's the problem with your brain, E. Sometimes it tells you things that are true and sometimes it really fucks shit up. Right now, it's fucking shit up."
"What if it's telling the truth?"
"Nah."
"How do you know?"
"Our brains are joined, remember? And all I get from the Elena side of my brain is that you're gonna be okay."
She sniffed again. "You wanna give that part of my brain back to me then? I kinda need it."
He ruffled her hair. "There. Done." He squeezed her. "When did you last eat?"
"I don't remember."
"Come on. I know there's ramen. You always have ramen." Jared stood up and walked into the kitchen. Elena stared at the doorway for a long time before she got up and trudged past the living room full of recording equipment to the tiny kitchen. She plopped in a chair and hugged PoPo to her chest while Jared filled a bowl with water and the dry noodles and stuck it in the microwave for four minutes. He also pulled a bottle of water out of the fridge, opened it, and put it in front of her. "When did you last take your pills?"
"Whenever Marshall put them in front of me."
"Okay." He sat across from her.
She was silent, listening to the microwave chug. They needed a new one. When it beeped, Jared busied himself with pouring half the mix into the water and then draining most of it and then adding a touch more of the flavor. Just like she liked it. The bowl was put in front of her with a set of chopsticks and she poked at the cheap noodles before taking a bite. The salt hit her system hard and she gulped the water before having another bite.
"Shit."
"Sorry." He snagged a noodle from the bowl and she pushed it between them. "Sometimes the mix isn't right."
"It's okay." She shivered again and realized how cold she was. Getting up, she walked into the living room and retrived her Hathor Rising hoodie. Shrugging into it, she flopped onto the couch and stared at the equipment around her. Jared joined her and handed over the bowl. "Jared ..."
"You're eating. Not another word until you get three bites down."
She glared at him but obeyed and choked down three bites. When they didn't come back up, she put the bowl on the floor and tucked her knees up to her chest.
"I don't know why I did it, Jared," she said quietly. "Everyone keeps wanting a reason and I don't fucking know. I just went to my kit and grabbed a blade and sliced my wrists open."
"You did it because your therapy animal was killed right in front of you." He took her hand and squeezed it. "You did it because your brain tells you that you don't deserve to be here."
"I don't."
"Yeah you do. And you'll get there." He scooted closer and put an arm around her shoulder. "It's okay, E. I promise. I know it's all dark and foggy, but it's okay."
She put her head against his and curled in tighter on herself. "I hate how everyone looks at me now. Marshall's sure I'm going to break. JJ doesn't know what to say. Micah looks like I stabbed him in the back. My parents won't stop looking terrified. Like I'm ..." her shoulders started to shake and a scream let loose from her throat before she started to sob. "I'm sorry!" She cried. "God, I am so sorry that I don't know how to fucking deal with anything! I'm sorry!"
Pulling away from Jared, she put her head on the arm of the couch and screamed into the pillow, all of the emotion just pouring out of her. She felt like she was coming apart at the molecular level and she wanted it to happen. She just wanted to fucking turn back into stardust. Maybe the next supernova would produce something worthy. The sobs ripped from her and she just screamed into the pillows because that was the only safe way to do it. She was supposed to be quiet and good and fixed. She was supposed to be better by now. But she wasn't better and no one trusted her and she couldn't even kill herself right. Two tries and she couldn't even die the right way. Why couldn't she just fucking die?
It wasn't until her tears started to subside that she realized Jared had put his arms around her and pulled her into his lap and she was sobbing into his shoulder and clinging to him so hard that he had nail rings in his arm. But he was holding her and she kept sobbing until she couldn't breathe and even then she tried to keep at it. He just put his arms around her and rocked her until the last scream came from her hoarse throat.
"I can't breathe ..." she whispered. She rolled away and stumbled to the bathroom, where she threw up the little bit of food in her system, blew her nose, and washed her face and brushed her teeth. Leaning against the closed door, she tried to stop shaking but her body had taken control and she just needed to keep screaming but when she opened her mouth, nothing came out except another choking sob.
"E, please let me in."
The door was rattling and she realized she'd locked it. Locked him out. "Go away, Jared. Please."
"I'm not going anywhere, you idiot. Open the fucking door."
She knew where the razor blades were. She knew how to open the locked drawer.
"Elena, please ... open the door."
"It's better if I don't." The tears were coming again and she hit her head on the wood as she sank to the floor and contemplated how long it would take to run the bath.
"Elena, please. Sweetheart, please."
"Go home, Jared."
The water was never warm enough here, but it would be enough. She wouldn't be alive long enough for it to matter anyway.
"E, honey. Please open the door. Please."
"Take PoPo when you go. He's really yours."
Jared was silent and Elena let herself breathe. He'd listened. She could just take her time and then it would be over for everyone. But she couldn't move from the door. As much as she wanted to, she couldn't move from the door. And then there was a scuffle and something moved out of the corner of her eye. Something had slid under the door.
A guitar pick from Falling Starlight's first show. She'd had it put on a chain and wore it almost every day. The plastic was wearing down and the chain was tarnished in places, but it was hers. She picked it up and in the dim light of the bathroom stared at the necklace and knew exactly what Jared was telling her.
She wasn't supposed to open the door for him, for Marshall, for the boys, or even for her because she sure as hell couldn't do that yet. But she had to open the door for the music.
Untold minutes ticked by. Jared didn't say anything and she tried to breathe. Tried to get control of her heart and her hands. Finally she scooted away from the door and pulled herself to her feet. Unlocking it, she stepped out and right into Jared's arms. "I've got you," he whispered. "Come on."
He guided her back to her bedroom and tucked her into bed, PoPo on one side and Rainbow, her purple unicorn, on the other. He left her alone in her room but she could hear him in the kitchen, cleaning up. The tears came again, but quieter, more controlled, and she fell asleep clutching the necklace.
Characters: Jared Phillips (jaggedjared), Elena Munez
Universe(s): A Safe Harbor/Falling Starlight
Timeline: The Solar Flares and Disenchanted Storylines (because they overlap.) Takes place just after Elena's second attempt.
Rating: T
Somewhere inside this closet
Your whole life exists
An evil little secret
That keeps you so nervous
You're boarding up your windows
In fetal on the floor
But what you're keeping out is on the wrong side of the door
~Sick Puppies/Monsters
She hadn't left the apartment.
Eight days in the hospital, including the time it took for her to be stable enough to be moved to Psych.
Twenty two days of ignoring therapist recommendations. Of being dragged against her will to daily sessions. Of sitting in groups, staring at her feet. She didn't have these people's problems. She hadn't been brutally raped by her father or watched her family die. No. She had a disorder and it made her brain tell her she wasn't worth being on the planet and so she didn't think she deserved to be on the planet. She'd watched her dog die but wasn't that just an excuse?
So she stared at her feet and stared at the wall when she was home. Marshall curled up silently behind her and she just wanted him to go away because she wasn't good enough. She wasn't special enough. He deserved better than her and she hated that she wanted him to touch her because she wanted it all to just go away because if he went away she could just disappear. The guys could always find a new bass player.
At least they were leaving her alone now.
She'd finally showered and put on a different shirt. She sat cross-legged on her bed, working the comb through her tangles, staring at the dead hair as it broke with each tug. She was alone. Thankfully. They trusted her enough. Assholes. They trusted her. Now she couldn't fucking do anything. How could she disappear when they'd made her promise they'd talk to her later. Fuckers.
Giving up on the rat's nest of her hair, Elena dropped the comb and pulled Popo into her lap. The well loved sock monkey had been an almost constant companion. She clapped his little nubby hands together and sighed, hating herself even more. How could she disappear when Jared had given her this? How could she keep it?
A knock on the door drew her attention but she ignored it. Anyone who wanted to see her had a key and they'd all left anyway. Tired of her. Sighing, she stretched out on her bed and pulled the covers up. She'd work on her hair later. Maybe she'd just cut it all off. There were razors.
The knocking kept up but she just pulled the pillow over her head and waited for it to go away.
She'd sleep.
Sleep was always good.
Sleep.
"Fucking hell, Elena Grace Maria Munez! If you don't open this door I'm breaking it down!"
The pounding continued and she rose, slowly. Things hurt. But the pounding kept up and she stumbled to the door, tripping on her feet. Finally she pulled the latches open and Jard Phillips stood there, white-faced and panicked.
"Oh god you're okay. Fucking hell you're okay." He grabbed her and pulled her into his arms and she felt her body go limp and she had to wrap her arms around his neck to stay upright. "You weren't answering but the guys said you were home and I thought ... God ... Honey ... I thought ... they left you alone. They fucking left you alone and you ... you don't fucking know what that did to me when you didn't answer the fucking door you fucking moron don't do that to me."
She shivered and he clutched her tighter. But she couldn't talk because she didn't deserve for him to be here but he wouldn't let go either so she just let him direct everything because she didn't have a choice anyway. Finally he kissed her temple and pulled back.
"Your hair is a mess."
"It doesn't matter."
Jared sighed and took her hand. "Come on." He stepped around her and into the apartment and she didn't have a choice but to follow. Never a choice. What about the choice just to go back to bed and never get up again? He sat her down on her bed and retrieved her comb and sat behind her, quietly working out the tangles. She put Popo back into her lap and stared down at him. When her hair was braided, Jared scooted closer and put his chin on her shoulder. "Talk to me, E."
She held Popo up. "You should take him back."
"No, babe."
"He's your safeguard."
"Now he's yours. See," he sighed, "our stupid lives are linked now."
That brought the tears and she shook her head. "No. No. That isn't fair to you, Jared. No. You can't do that to us. Don't do it to me. Don't ..."
"Hey," he started to rock her. "Hey, stop. Stop. Shhhh. Shhhh. Hey, it's okay."
"No ..." she sniffed and almost wiped her nose with Popo. "It isn't, Jared. I don't deserve this."
"Deserve what?"
"This. Right here."
"Says who? Who said it cause I'm gonna go kick their butts and you know I will."
"It's just true."
"Nah. See that's the problem with your brain, E. Sometimes it tells you things that are true and sometimes it really fucks shit up. Right now, it's fucking shit up."
"What if it's telling the truth?"
"Nah."
"How do you know?"
"Our brains are joined, remember? And all I get from the Elena side of my brain is that you're gonna be okay."
She sniffed again. "You wanna give that part of my brain back to me then? I kinda need it."
He ruffled her hair. "There. Done." He squeezed her. "When did you last eat?"
"I don't remember."
"Come on. I know there's ramen. You always have ramen." Jared stood up and walked into the kitchen. Elena stared at the doorway for a long time before she got up and trudged past the living room full of recording equipment to the tiny kitchen. She plopped in a chair and hugged PoPo to her chest while Jared filled a bowl with water and the dry noodles and stuck it in the microwave for four minutes. He also pulled a bottle of water out of the fridge, opened it, and put it in front of her. "When did you last take your pills?"
"Whenever Marshall put them in front of me."
"Okay." He sat across from her.
She was silent, listening to the microwave chug. They needed a new one. When it beeped, Jared busied himself with pouring half the mix into the water and then draining most of it and then adding a touch more of the flavor. Just like she liked it. The bowl was put in front of her with a set of chopsticks and she poked at the cheap noodles before taking a bite. The salt hit her system hard and she gulped the water before having another bite.
"Shit."
"Sorry." He snagged a noodle from the bowl and she pushed it between them. "Sometimes the mix isn't right."
"It's okay." She shivered again and realized how cold she was. Getting up, she walked into the living room and retrived her Hathor Rising hoodie. Shrugging into it, she flopped onto the couch and stared at the equipment around her. Jared joined her and handed over the bowl. "Jared ..."
"You're eating. Not another word until you get three bites down."
She glared at him but obeyed and choked down three bites. When they didn't come back up, she put the bowl on the floor and tucked her knees up to her chest.
"I don't know why I did it, Jared," she said quietly. "Everyone keeps wanting a reason and I don't fucking know. I just went to my kit and grabbed a blade and sliced my wrists open."
"You did it because your therapy animal was killed right in front of you." He took her hand and squeezed it. "You did it because your brain tells you that you don't deserve to be here."
"I don't."
"Yeah you do. And you'll get there." He scooted closer and put an arm around her shoulder. "It's okay, E. I promise. I know it's all dark and foggy, but it's okay."
She put her head against his and curled in tighter on herself. "I hate how everyone looks at me now. Marshall's sure I'm going to break. JJ doesn't know what to say. Micah looks like I stabbed him in the back. My parents won't stop looking terrified. Like I'm ..." her shoulders started to shake and a scream let loose from her throat before she started to sob. "I'm sorry!" She cried. "God, I am so sorry that I don't know how to fucking deal with anything! I'm sorry!"
Pulling away from Jared, she put her head on the arm of the couch and screamed into the pillow, all of the emotion just pouring out of her. She felt like she was coming apart at the molecular level and she wanted it to happen. She just wanted to fucking turn back into stardust. Maybe the next supernova would produce something worthy. The sobs ripped from her and she just screamed into the pillows because that was the only safe way to do it. She was supposed to be quiet and good and fixed. She was supposed to be better by now. But she wasn't better and no one trusted her and she couldn't even kill herself right. Two tries and she couldn't even die the right way. Why couldn't she just fucking die?
It wasn't until her tears started to subside that she realized Jared had put his arms around her and pulled her into his lap and she was sobbing into his shoulder and clinging to him so hard that he had nail rings in his arm. But he was holding her and she kept sobbing until she couldn't breathe and even then she tried to keep at it. He just put his arms around her and rocked her until the last scream came from her hoarse throat.
"I can't breathe ..." she whispered. She rolled away and stumbled to the bathroom, where she threw up the little bit of food in her system, blew her nose, and washed her face and brushed her teeth. Leaning against the closed door, she tried to stop shaking but her body had taken control and she just needed to keep screaming but when she opened her mouth, nothing came out except another choking sob.
"E, please let me in."
The door was rattling and she realized she'd locked it. Locked him out. "Go away, Jared. Please."
"I'm not going anywhere, you idiot. Open the fucking door."
She knew where the razor blades were. She knew how to open the locked drawer.
"Elena, please ... open the door."
"It's better if I don't." The tears were coming again and she hit her head on the wood as she sank to the floor and contemplated how long it would take to run the bath.
"Elena, please. Sweetheart, please."
"Go home, Jared."
The water was never warm enough here, but it would be enough. She wouldn't be alive long enough for it to matter anyway.
"E, honey. Please open the door. Please."
"Take PoPo when you go. He's really yours."
Jared was silent and Elena let herself breathe. He'd listened. She could just take her time and then it would be over for everyone. But she couldn't move from the door. As much as she wanted to, she couldn't move from the door. And then there was a scuffle and something moved out of the corner of her eye. Something had slid under the door.
A guitar pick from Falling Starlight's first show. She'd had it put on a chain and wore it almost every day. The plastic was wearing down and the chain was tarnished in places, but it was hers. She picked it up and in the dim light of the bathroom stared at the necklace and knew exactly what Jared was telling her.
She wasn't supposed to open the door for him, for Marshall, for the boys, or even for her because she sure as hell couldn't do that yet. But she had to open the door for the music.
Untold minutes ticked by. Jared didn't say anything and she tried to breathe. Tried to get control of her heart and her hands. Finally she scooted away from the door and pulled herself to her feet. Unlocking it, she stepped out and right into Jared's arms. "I've got you," he whispered. "Come on."
He guided her back to her bedroom and tucked her into bed, PoPo on one side and Rainbow, her purple unicorn, on the other. He left her alone in her room but she could hear him in the kitchen, cleaning up. The tears came again, but quieter, more controlled, and she fell asleep clutching the necklace.